Was it worth it?
Does it even matter now that it’s done?

That time of struggle seems so far away,
That chance to be forgiven,
Taken away.

My hands clenched in prayer,
Mangled by gravity,

Laying now,
50 feet either side of me.

Wishing someone would’ve noticed,
Before I threw myself off,

Labeled it psychosis,
And moved on.

Now even here,
No one notices,
Stuck with all the others,
Lost without focus’.

Just like a flea I’ve been taught not to jump higher then the limit that was set for me,
That to live is to be realistic,
So as I get closer older,
I discard those dreams,
Allowing them to slip uselessly through my fingers.
And when I have kids,
The cycle will continue,
I will teach them how to live,
So that their heads won’t hit the top of the lid.

I love the deep hatred of a character,
The want to ****,
But the seeking of restraint,
I love their murderous gaze,
Their intent full of disgrace.
I hate the knowledge that it will most likely change,
That they will grow,
Learn to love,
To reciprocate,
And not to throttle their wrong doer by their necklace.
Their hate is perfect,
Like an art of perception,
Because only true love comes from the hate of deception.

I know how I want to say it,
On a walk in our spot at the park,
On that slab of inflatable concrete,
I want to ask you if this is a mistake,
That if what I’m about to say is gonna mess everything up.
I hope you’ll know what I’m talking about,
You probably won’t though,
That’s if I even get that far in the first place.

I wish I had the courage to say something to you,
I just don’t want to **** everything up.
Sometimes I wonder if its better just to live in uncertainty,
Than to say something that would cause change.
I want to know how you would react,
If you would try to let me down slow,
If you would fear that I would get upset.
The more I think about it,
The more I think that there’s no way you could love me,
And as much as I tell others that I could get over it,
I don’t think I can.

I believe that it will be impossible to stop loving you,
You will always take up such a large portion of my heart,
You changed me so much,
Taught me lessons,
Patience and who I was,
So I will probably love you forever,
And even if you don’t feel the same,
I really don’t think it will ever change.

I thought when you said you didn’t feel the same,
I would have to let go of you,
Never love you again,
Then when I couldn’t do that,
I thought I might wait,
Bide my time,
Wait and take,
And when I couldn’t do that I realised that I could still love you,
Just in a different way,
Understand your complexities and acknowledge you lovingly,
Being your friend will never be enough,
But it is for you,
You’ll always have my heart,
And I’ll always be here to support you.

I was almost there,
Yet you broke my resolve again,
Teasing me with conversation,
And then silence on your end.
I’m scared you’ll leave,
Because I know you can do better,
Thinking thoughts of you in someone else’s sweater.
I know you don’t feel the same,
But you said you could?
And at the risk of being misunderstood,
I can’t be angry,
But yet I am,
I feel pain at everything I can,
Yet can’t do around you,
Scared you’ll think I’m overbearing,
And yet you still act fine,
Does it not affect you?
Because I want to know if you ever loved me like I love you.

I feel exposed,
A bear without its coat,
I feel vulnerable,
A cactus without its spikes,
I feel scared,
A mouse running from the cat.
How much more of my life will be stolen?
How much more do they need to know?

My lover has the hand of an artist,
The heart of a poet,
The brain of a genius,
And the ear of a musician,
The most rare mix of beauty and tragedy.

I force myself under the water,
Feeling the cold invade my mind,
My skin tightening against the attack,
Shuddering,
But yet,
When I come out the other side,
I feel the hot sun on my skin,
Making all that cold suddenly feel worth it.

The taste of your lips lingers,
Mixing with the liquor,
Misguided decisions,
Hidden moments,
Hang in the air between us,
I lie down next to you,
Wanting to kiss you,
But finding myself too scared to make another move.

I etch my sorrows in broken bottles,
Remembering the name of every glass,
So that when I return here,
I know which one will get me drunkest fast.

With drops of liquor left of my tongue,
I realise how stupid I’ve become.

If queer was a joke,
You’d be the first to laugh,
If queer was a guide,
You’d be the first one to be lead,
If queer was a song,
You’d be the first one to sing,
But when queer means queer,
You can’t accept it.

This morning when we talked,
I looked into your eyes,
Tracing your face in my mind,
You’re so beautiful,
I could listen to you speak for days.
I wish all you would do is talk,
I love looking at how your mouth widens when you smile,
I hate it when you turn away,
Even when it’s only brief,
It makes me want to scream in pain.
And I know you would try to shrug it off,
That you wouldn’t care,
That’s why I’m saying it here,
Because I’m scared.

My life was empty before you,
And without you I realise,
I built myself,
On loving you.

Sitting down at the river,
I’m alone,
You’re not there.
You never felt the same,
It’s ok,
I’m not mad,
I’m just happy that I can finally move on.
I’m sitting down at the river,
Smiling into the sunset,
Because it made me think of you.

The prospect of love haunts me,
I love so much,
So many,
Yet if feels wrong,
To love another this fast.
Would I be wrong if I said yes?
If I said that we could try?
I’ve heard love blossoms in the ruins of hate,
But that might just be me,
Would I be wrong for being happy?
Would this finally make me happy?

Your love was empty,
The morning sky before sunrise,
Full of promises and waiting.

I put my heart into loving you,
Not realising,
That I was losing everything,
While you lost nothing.