Halloween of 2016
5th cigarette of the night
vanilla lattes from noble tea
instant film with double exposures
fishnets and all red
I remember you still
and I wish we could be in your house with cluttered feet
Handing out candy to the children dressed up as angels and demons
giving us breaks so you could put your arms around me
and I am not shivering in a cold car without you
this is what I want
from somebody
and I go to the front porch
Cigarette number six is now hanging limp from my mouth
and I pull out a ****** dating app and swipe
my self hatred grows.
I throw my phone across the street.
somehow the screen does not shatter
i try to find something hidden
the children are dressed up as demons
and i ache for more
I see you in them.
I miss the angels

"Whatever"
I am the fourth call that never happens
Whatever.
I am a mental illness to you
Whatever.
take pills after pills
To extinguish  me
Whatever.
it's for your own good
Whatever.
shoulders breaking
As is my mind
whatever
I had the worst day ever
Whatever.
I feel like I'll never get better
Whatever
Forget it
if I'm upset
Whatever
angry
whatever
Sad
Whatever
Whatever
Whatever
same day appointments
i won't get better
whatever
no one cares
whatever
I feel like dying
whatever
all you can say is
Whatever
you'll never get better
whatever
I'll still want to *******
whatever
**** forever
Whatever
I'll swallow a bottle of pills
whatever
so there won't be a forever
whatever
BABY IM GOING TO **** MYSELF
whatever
PLEASE HELP ME ITS NOT GETTING BETTER
whatever
IM GOING TO DO IT IM GOING TO DO IT
whatev-

i meowed at my cat but it walked away so i could not understand what it had to say. i talk to my cat because it’s the only thing that listens. the blank walls do not seem to cut it anymore. like people, they just sit and stare for all they care i could just die. my cat loves me, he scratches my wrists and brings me bliss, i don’t know how to kiss. my dreams make no sense, so i cling like them, like the sky to the sea,
hoping things will finally make sense to me
i want to understand my  cat
i want it to understand me.
but it like everything walks away.
i meowed at my cat but it walked away so i could not understand what it had to say.
no boys ever want to touch me.
girls won't even look at me the same
if I want your attention
I have to kiss your neck and grab your hips
all my lovers want the same old thing.
I'd rather just meow at my cat.
at least he'll listen to me when i talk.
I shut my eyes and everything makes sense all at once
I think I made you up inside my head
I just wanted something tangible in my hands
and you felt smooth enough to hold.
but my cat scratches on my wrists felt softer than your hand.
I'm starting to feel worse and worse thanks to you
Make me feel like a good person again
make me feel right.
I'm sorry I look at your veins, more than your eyes.
and I'm sorry you never noticed the scratches on mine.
i meowed at my cat but it walked away so i could not understand what it had to say.
I feel like my cat
because you no longer understand.
so I'll just walk away,
I know you don't care what I have to say.

i used to feel
at home
in your arms
but
now
i only feel
at home
in my bed

seeing places you’ve been on t.v.
do not hold the same memories
ringing doorbells for people who are not there,
the ones with spiders in their hair.
the strange man’s lips are coming too close
you should have just stayed home.
your lips dissolve into foam
quietly disappearing
until theres nothing left to touch
quiet stillness, darkness not much
left of you or left of me.
your hands are reaching out
but you can’t see
what’s in front of you-
it is not me.
quiet stillness darkness you are not free
he is pushing you against the wall
eyes wide open
dare not to close them at all
baby, that is not how we do it here.
that is not how we do it here.
keep your eyes on me
and you won’t disappear
face lit by a dim light
writing poems to stay alive
or maybe to know a piece of you will stay.
even the nights the demons are away
and you are lying softly
alone
even the universe is still
and absent
rising and falling.
like the heart in your chest,
Do not let the parasites crawl into it
to shrink your heart until it is nothing
but flesh-
Better to keep quiet alone, in stillness and darkness-
it was easier to not move
when his hand rested on your head.
easier to be alone when you imagine yourself dead
there’s voices inside the walls
you’ve heard them all
before smooth and calming
but now they sound
violent and angry
you have had your passions written down and thrown away
thats why now you have no idea what to say
quiet stillness darkness
tranquil serene silence
dead flowers on the side of the road
blood coming out of your nose
death waits for you
like a hand on a clock
the voices are getting louder
can’t you see?
it’s time to cut yourself loose,
after all,
you said you wanted to be
free.

The feeling of emptiness in a neighborhood I used to visit, and seeing your house, where we used to lay, and an empty backyard.
I felt myself fall in and out of love all overagain.
I still feel very small and I meant it when i said the memories meant everything to me.
And I go into the woods and the silence drowns out everything
the tree branches take over the skies creating the negative spaces I wish I could fit into.
the world sits still. But my heart is racing.
everything is dark and the little lights flicker
images projected on the sides of houses
and the memories blend together.
apologizes written on sidewalks and short films on a camcorder.
I want this feeling to be transformed into something
It is a feeling I can't explain
a feeling i almost can't feel
hands tighten on the steering wheel
and I'm suddenly in the city
where everything is fast and I am still.
nothing here belongs to you.
and I don't remember anything
the noise engulfs everything.
shadows of the people, and the streetlights
and their bodies close together.
I feel far from everything,
And I wonder if you meant it when you said
nobody would ever love me.
I wrote our names in a bathroom stall in Portland
so somewhere we could seem permanent
and I tell myself you're just a girl I used to know-
but I don't know if I ever knew you at all.
I look for you in everyone.
I can't find you.
I still feel very small.

i can’t sleep because you told me you hated me in my dream last night.
i don’t want to sleep anymore
if it means a constant reminder
of what i believe to be real
and what you tell me is not.
it felt real
when i was lying there
and the words bounced off your tongue.
“i hate you"

i saw a woman on a willow tree when i was seven yrs old
and she disappeared into the summer air
am i going to be this way forever
am i going to keep believing in ghosts
i saw a woman on that willow tree
claimed she was an angel of god
eyes cut daggers
was she a ghost or was it in my head?
was she a ghost or was it in my head?
bless my holy sins and suffering
and give me something else to believe in
but leave her ghost to sit on top of that beautiful tree
so when i look up i can still see the empty space she occupied once.
i still believe in ghosts
and i can still feel you in the air
forgive me for my lack of reality
I love you