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Summer Dec 2016
I wonder how we both let it get this way. I look at you and a million feelings come back all at once. I am too scared to tell you how I feel. I still love you- at least I think I do.  I look at the sky and there is something familiar in it. The colors mixing in to create a beautiful mixture of red and blue. You body is a canvas, and I want to paint you with the sky. At this moment everything I have pushed in the back of my brain came flooding back. I remember how it was like before I loved you, the sky looks like it did when we first met. I close my eyes, and it begins to play in my head like some bad kind of love movie.
              When we first met, I was at a show for this band my friend liked. I didn’t want to be there. I was stuck with some people who I had little to no interest in getting to know. As horrible as it sounds, most of them had known each other for years. I couldn’t just force the connection they had all had. Almost all of me did not want to have any emotional attachments. High school is almost over and I don’t want to meet anybody I’m going to miss. That’s when I met you.  Your friend had dragged you along as well, and you looked exhausted just being there. You would lay your head on the car window and get lost in the passing by cars. You seemed to be able to drown everything out. Even with the Blink-182 blasting through the speakers in Emily’s old green VW. A lot of people may have thought you came off rude, but I think I understood. Not everybody has an ability to get lost so easily, I find it almost very profound in a way. You were in a world outside of mine. I was in a world outside of theirs. Simple and as complicated as that.
              When we were at the venue for the show, we all sat on the ground in a circle. I love circles, because you can see everyone’s faces, and their expressions when you talk to them. I sat across from you on purpose. I’m an observer. As cliché as it sounds, I think people are the far most beautiful things. Our friends were talking about the band, and we didn’t really say anything. I would say something occasionally to seem like I wasn’t completely out of touch, and I swear you’d look at me and smile. I would smile back letting all the sweetness around me flow towards you with just an expression as your tired eyes seemed to silently say “thank you”. As time went by the more I actually wanted to speak to you, and that killed me. Meeting new people terrified me, I was tired of hurting and I’m sure you were, too.
Time passed, we were supposed to go in the venue. We followed everyone, it was general admission so everyone was standing. Blue lights hit everyone’s faces making it look like we were in another universe. Our friends rushed to the front but we stayed behind.
              “You guys aren’t coming?” one of them yelled out.
              “I’ll meet you guys up there soon, I think I’m going to just look around for a bit. Just have fun!” I said forcing a smile.
              She gave me a wide smile, she looked so happy to be there. She ran off into the crowd, getting lost with them all.
“I want to get to know you.” the words stumbled out your mouth, and fell at my feet. I picked up the pieces gently and looked at your eyes,
“That sounds nice.” I breathed out, looking at the blue light hit your eyelids. There was so much to say. So much to do, and it was all beginning here, in our own little blue world. The space between us in a universe that I haven’t ventured into yet. I want to know all the small details about you. There is no music playing and there’s a million questions I want to ask you, but I knew a good start
“Nice to meet you, my name is Reily, what’s yours?” …
Suddenly everything is stopped. I am back to reality, where the blue world is dead. A universe I have already ventured into, that is now my own. I know the smallest of details about you, I know you more than I know anybody. The yellow light illuminates our pale faces, it’s cold but not too cold, and we’re on the roof of a parking garage and everything feels like a movie. We still don’t look at each other. We’re too busy staring into the empty space that occupies the air around us. I want to go up to you and hold your hand. I want to make the space feel less empty. You are shivering, as your black hair blends into the sky. The drugs made your face look really different. It's not how I remembered it. It is silent to both of us. We are too lost in the beauty of it all. The sounds of the cars, the people, everything is drowned out when we are with each other. We don’t think about the college rejection letters, the job applications, the things that make our lives real. I hope you forget about her like you forgot about yourself. I hope it brings you the peace you need. I want it to be like this forever. I walk over to you and lay my head on your shoulder, as we watch the cars drive off into the Fishers sky.  Everything seems to be drifting farther and farther away from us. I am scared. I want to ask you if the sky reminds you of us, too. I want to know if you remembered it all. I miss us so much. I hope you do, too.
We love each other but we don’t.
It’s as simple and as complicated as that.
And I think that scares me the most
this isn't poetry but its a short story for my creative writing class idk
Summer Dec 2015
"Whatever"
I am the fourth call that never happens
Whatever.
I am a mental illness to you
Whatever.
take pills after pills
To extinguish  me
Whatever.
it's for your own good
Whatever.
shoulders breaking
As is my mind
whatever
I had the worst day ever
Whatever.
I feel like I'll never get better
Whatever
Forget it
if I'm upset
Whatever
angry
whatever
Sad
Whatever
Whatever
Whatever
same day appointments
i won't get better
whatever
no one cares
whatever
I feel like dying
whatever
all you can say is
Whatever
you'll never get better
whatever
I'll still want to *******
whatever
**** forever
Whatever
I'll swallow a bottle of pills
whatever
so there won't be a forever
whatever
BABY IM GOING TO **** MYSELF
whatever
PLEASE HELP ME ITS NOT GETTING BETTER
whatever
IM GOING TO DO IT IM GOING TO DO IT
whatev-
Summer Dec 2015
i meowed at my cat but it walked away so i could not understand what it had to say. i talk to my cat because it’s the only thing that listens. the blank walls do not seem to cut it anymore. like people, they just sit and stare for all they care i could just die. my cat loves me, he scratches my wrists and brings me bliss, i don’t know how to kiss. my dreams make no sense, so i cling like them, like the sky to the sea,
hoping things will finally make sense to me
i want to understand my  cat
i want it to understand me.
but it like everything walks away.
i meowed at my cat but it walked away so i could not understand what it had to say.
no boys ever want to touch me.
girls won't even look at me the same
if I want your attention
I have to kiss your neck and grab your hips
all my lovers want the same old thing.
I'd rather just meow at my cat.
at least he'll listen to me when i talk.
I shut my eyes and everything makes sense all at once
I think I made you up inside my head
I just wanted something tangible in my hands
and you felt smooth enough to hold.
but my cat scratches on my wrists felt softer than your hand.
I'm starting to feel worse and worse thanks to you
Make me feel like a good person again
make me feel right.
I'm sorry I look at your veins, more than your eyes.
and I'm sorry you never noticed the scratches on mine.
i meowed at my cat but it walked away so i could not understand what it had to say.
I feel like my cat
because you no longer understand.
so I'll just walk away,
I know you don't care what I have to say.
the non-explict version  of this poem
Summer Dec 2015
i used to feel
at home
in your arms
but
now
i only feel
at home
in my bed
Summer Dec 2015
We
Had
Youth

And
Real
Energy

When
Everyone

Laughed
In
Kindness,
Every

Time
Hands
Intertwined
Softly
i don't really like acrostic poems but
Summer Oct 2018
winters in indianapolis with you
the places and the strange feelings they give off,
the music plays in the streets as the snow falls.
the mattress is on the floor,
it’s cold.
you take up most of the blanket.
skipping class to sleep in your bed,
warm showers
skin soft and fleshy
ignited
a text read at 2:30 a.m.
i miss getting ****** on the regular.
now all i have is pbr and silence at parties
autumns in Bloomington without you.
hugging the blanket after you leave.
it’s a hazy Sunday morning
looking at an empty seat across from me on the bus
how dark your eyes are in the moonlight
a void expanding
it felt like we were on the edge of a nuclear war
as the smoke from outside the brick house covered your face.
i don’t know how to tell you.
as if it really means much.
you always have to leave in the morning
no matter how much we both want you to stay.
but there’s an urgency,
the world might end for us tomorrow
and you won’t know.
the next week i am laying on decker’s cold apartment floor,
missing winters in Indianapolis with you.
forgetting how all of our favorite coffee shops closed down,
and the icy streets that never seemed to melt.
the sun will rise tomorrow and it will sit in the back of my head.
dark eyes long hair and the box of hamms you lugged up to nick’s apartment.
the old couch you slept on.
our drunken laughs.
how I wouldn’t tell you
because I wanted to do it sober.
the way you say goodbye in the morning.
you might be it.
you might be.
Summer Mar 2016
seeing places you’ve been on t.v.
do not hold the same memories
ringing doorbells for people who are not there,
the ones with spiders in their hair.
the strange man’s lips are coming too close
you should have just stayed home.
your lips dissolve into foam
quietly disappearing
until theres nothing left to touch
quiet stillness, darkness not much
left of you or left of me.
your hands are reaching out
but you can’t see
what’s in front of you-
it is not me.
quiet stillness darkness you are not free
he is pushing you against the wall
eyes wide open
dare not to close them at all
baby, that is not how we do it here.
that is not how we do it here.
keep your eyes on me
and you won’t disappear
face lit by a dim light
writing poems to stay alive
or maybe to know a piece of you will stay.
even the nights the demons are away
and you are lying softly
alone
even the universe is still
and absent
rising and falling.
like the heart in your chest,
Do not let the parasites crawl into it
to shrink your heart until it is nothing
but flesh-
Better to keep quiet alone, in stillness and darkness-
it was easier to not move
when his hand rested on your head.
easier to be alone when you imagine yourself dead
there’s voices inside the walls
you’ve heard them all
before smooth and calming
but now they sound
violent and angry
you have had your passions written down and thrown away
thats why now you have no idea what to say
quiet stillness darkness
tranquil serene silence
dead flowers on the side of the road
blood coming out of your nose
death waits for you
like a hand on a clock
the voices are getting louder
can’t you see?
it’s time to cut yourself loose,
after all,
you said you wanted to be
free.
Summer Mar 2017
The feeling of emptiness in a neighborhood I used to visit, and seeing your house, where we used to lay, and an empty backyard.
I felt myself fall in and out of love all overagain.
I still feel very small and I meant it when i said the memories meant everything to me.
And I go into the woods and the silence drowns out everything
the tree branches take over the skies creating the negative spaces I wish I could fit into.
the world sits still. But my heart is racing.
everything is dark and the little lights flicker
images projected on the sides of houses
and the memories blend together.
apologizes written on sidewalks and short films on a camcorder.
I want this feeling to be transformed into something
It is a feeling I can't explain
a feeling i almost can't feel
hands tighten on the steering wheel
and I'm suddenly in the city
where everything is fast and I am still.
nothing here belongs to you.
and I don't remember anything
the noise engulfs everything.
shadows of the people, and the streetlights
and their bodies close together.
I feel far from everything,
And I wonder if you meant it when you said
nobody would ever love me.
I wrote our names in a bathroom stall in Portland
so somewhere we could seem permanent
and I tell myself you're just a girl I used to know-
but I don't know if I ever knew you at all.
I look for you in everyone.
I can't find you.
I still feel very small.
Summer Dec 2015
i can’t sleep because you told me you hated me in my dream last night.
i don’t want to sleep anymore
if it means a constant reminder
of what i believe to be real
and what you tell me is not.
it felt real
when i was lying there
and the words bounced off your tongue.
“i hate you"
Summer Nov 2015
i saw a woman on a willow tree when i was seven yrs old
and she disappeared into the summer air
am i going to be this way forever
am i going to keep believing in ghosts
i saw a woman on that willow tree
claimed she was an angel of god
eyes cut daggers
was she a ghost or was it in my head?
was she a ghost or was it in my head?
bless my holy sins and suffering
and give me something else to believe in
but leave her ghost to sit on top of that beautiful tree
so when i look up i can still see the empty space she occupied once.
i still believe in ghosts
and i can still feel you in the air
forgive me for my lack of reality
I love you

— The End —