I love you,
Truly I do.

You don't see this,
How could you not?
I wear this ring , I provide ,I support.
I do more than I should,
Just so you are protected and provided for .
Just so you are safe.

Yet,
All this while , you don't see it.
I provide almost everything,
I'm in debt and you know it.

You borrowed so much money from me ,
Never gave back.
That should have been my **** clue.

Here I am ,
Providing the best meals,
The best holidays ,
A comfortable home.

Here you are,
The little you earn,
You think of everyone else first.
Like you don't owe me so much already.

You give gifts ,
To people who don't need nor expect it.

You don't even see this.
It's partly my fault.
I provided everything.
To my own detriment.

I did it all for you.

You don't see it.
I don't know how to make you see it.
I just don't know .

I love you with all my heart.
I still, just don't know .

All I know is,
I can't ,I won't keep being this.
I can't be your back bone.
When you ain't mine.

I'm soon to turn 30,
Yet one thing still easily slips my fingers,
I've read so many books,
I've watched so many tutorials,
I've blamed myself,
I've blamed others,
I've given up .

Then I get pull right back in.
The hope of fulfillment of a promise,
Achieving the desires in of my heart,
The longing I've buried so long,
The need that won't be ignored.

I get pulled right back in,
With a soul that seems mature,
A person that is loving, caring enough
To have me dreaming,
To have me hoping,
To revive my longing,
From the deep depths,
of my caged up heart.

The cycle then repeats,
Everything starts to fade,
My heart shrieks in pain,
I decide never again.
I give up on the dream.
I bury it all away,
Never to ache again ,
From a Love that I once thought would last.

In the meantime,
I need a drink.
Make it a red wine,
Something good for the heart finally.

How come ,
All I want is you .

How come ,
You don't need me the same way.

With you,
my heart is full of joy,
All I want is for you ,
to feel the same joy.

Yet ,
you don't see me that way.
As much as I know it's not my fault,
I can't help but wonder why?

Ain't I strong enough,
Smart enough,
Pretty enough,
Young enough,
Funny Enough.

Was it that I did too much
or too little.

Was it that I was independent ,
and it was ******* your ego.

Didn't I put you first,
Didn't I try enough.

I know I can't blame myself,
but
how come,
how come,
You never loved me back?

They say ,
When you stop wanting something,
"You receive it".

How funny and contradictory,
I gave up ,got fed up with heartache,
Made peace with being alone,
No Cinderella story for me .
I was happy for those who found it
I'd rejoice with them
Not even feel envious.
I was okay.

Then out of the blue,
With so much intrigue and complexity,
He showed up ,
Being perfect, treating me right.
Saying the right things,
Igniting passions inside me, I had long killed.

I Pushed him away,
Till I couldn't anymore
And I opened up ,
Knowing all the risks.
I let him in.
Didn't feel like much then.

I thought ,
It wouldn't last ,
Told myself not to like him.
******* me.
Cupid must be laughing
Because now I see all the signs,
Signs I've been so familiar with.

Beginning of the end,
I feel the crush in my heart,
The pain that can't just be erased.
The reality of why I had given up.
The reason to give up again.

I can be happy alone,
Doesn't mean I'm lonely.
Some things just aren't meant for me.
You've had your fun cupid.
Now let me go please.
Let me go heal.

Isn't it?
The Unpredictability of life,
The spontaneous nature of people,
The will to do more,
So much to be grateful for.
So much to look forward to.
So much to love.

Every now and then,
I get a bit emotional,
I feel the lost touch ,
To a reality I wanted to live.
A family I wanted to have,
A life to share with my love,
The joys of growing old together.

I lost touch ,
With my plans,
My future ,
My list of unrealized dreams,
The illusion of young age.

Every now and then ,
It hits me ,
Hits me real hard,
It's just me.

I'm hang over you,
A little more time,
I'd have been head over heels,
I don't regret it,
But I'm at the hardest part,
Highest of the peaks,
My heart fills with joy and pain,
I’ve tried so hard,
Not to hate you,
Because hate fuels a reason,
To let go.
But I don't,
Fond memories haunt me,
And I love every bit of them,
The simple smile that creeps in,
When something or someone,
Reminds me of you.

I'm at the peak of letting go.
I think I'm stuck here.
I don't know how to go down.
Don’t know how to move on.

We need to talk Cupid,
Have a heartfelt one on one .

I wanna be grateful,
The Love I’ve ever had,
The Love I’ve ever Known and  shared,
Oh how I’ve loved,
I go all in ,
I fall quick and get over it slow.

Cupid,
I'm grateful
But it's enough don't you think?
The patches and cracks on my heart are enough,
The pain I’ve felt oh so many times,
Don't you think?

The cycle of joy, passion, hope,
Then self-doubt from rejection
That I never saw coming,
Ending with rebuilt self-esteem.

How many times Cupid,
Has that happened?
Maybe 30, maybe more?
It's enough don’t you think?

I can't be the in-between person anymore,
While they end up leaving me ,
To go find the right one,
I can't keep at that love cycle,
Tell me what you want from me ?
Tell me why?

I'd hate to think,
You enjoy me being broken down,
I'd hate to think ,
You find pleasure in my pain,
Even if you do.
It's enough Cupid,
Don't you think?

I gave it my all you know.
I realize now
Good Memories
Can haunt you just as bad
As the bad ones

I remember the good
It feels like I’m falling in love with you
All over again

Yet I know
I won't see you again.
My heart still keeps waiting for you
A message or a call
Maybe you'll just show up at my door

I still choose the good memories
I'd much rather be in love with the ghost of you
Than not at all.

My reaction,
Has always been bitterness,
Anger and frustration
From the feeling of being neglected,
Resented and rejected.

It's tiresome though
Turns me in to insecure, bitter person
Today I choose a different reaction
I choose to keep love,
To be grateful for love
For the precious moments we shared
The care and love we had
Even though brief.

I choose to remember
How you looked at me,
Called me beautiful,
Showed me off,
Held my hand,
Kissed me, tirelessly,
Hungrily.

I choice to remember
The touch of your hand,
The feel of your skin against mine,
The smile,
The company,
The intelligent conversations.

I choose to remember
Your kind charming self,
The joy I’d feel,
Every time I was with you.
This time,
I choose to love.
I choose the good memories.

Good Memories,
Some are fluke incidences.
Best of moments
Shared between two souls
Never meant to be repeated,
Overwritten nor forgotten.

Memories meant to last,
Reminding us
Life is better when shared,
When loved back or cared for
Even if,
It's just for a moment

Hang on to the memories
Let go of all the rest.

Cupid never wants me to lose sight of love
Every time I almost give up
He brings me right up
Someone I didn't even notice
Nor pay much attention to.

Someone as sweet as can be
Wants to know me
Looks at me with such adoration
Calls me Beautiful in the Morning
With my messy hair,
And running makeup.

Someone so easy to be with
So conveniently easy
Simple, realistic,
Maybe a little surreal.

I may not have a future with him
But at the moment
I'm so glad I met him
With his adorable, tall self,
Pure confidence and agility
Yet so passionate and warm

Where have you been?
All this time,
I've been torturing myself
For people who'd care less.
Where have you been?
All this time.

I fall in love
WIth the idea of Love
I know I do
coz with every end
I wonder what I ever saw
Why I wanted him so much
How I got so blind

It was just but
The thought of love
of being inlove
of finding love
I want it so bad
My heart goes  blind.

For one awkward moment,
I stared into those eyes
Looking for a glimpse,
A spark, a light,
A hope.

I stared into those eyes
With longing and passion
With patience and keen

I searched deep within
For a sense of belonging
For a graze of adore
For a sparkle of love
For anything

All I saw was nothing
As I looked away
Feeling the crush in my heart
"You let it happen again", I told myself
You fell for someone
Who doesn't feel the same way.

"You did it again,
You *******",
I told myself.
Masking the pain, the sound of my shattered heart,
The length of my hope and the future of us.
Watching it all tumble down.

"You *******".

I know .. I know
There is a right time for everything
But I have this insane urge
so strong I can't think straight

I wanna come to you
Tell you you mean the world to me
Ask you to hold me in your arms
Never let me go

I have an urge that shakes me
like an exposed leaf on a windy day
I wanna tell you
How you make me happy
You are all i've been waiting for
I wanna share my life with you

I have an urge
To ask if you feel the same way
If you want this too
But thats all it is
An Urge ,Discomfort in my heart.

Deep down
I'm too scared for the answer
For rejection
Because I'm thinking
If you had the same urges
You'd have said something.
Yes, You would have
So I bottle it all down
Hope it all goes away
So i can see you
Purely as a friend
Just like you see me.

For the actions taken
For the love given
The conversations
The joyful moments
The quiet ones
The funny and ridiculous

For the hope of love again
For the Scars of previous loves
For the scared and timid me
The vulnerability I swore
Not to expose again

For a chance
To share my life
To be needed and loved
To care and hold

I gave to you
I gave it all
Even with the splendid risks
Unbelievable pains of Previous loves
That I still feel

I gave it my all
Nothing else to do
Now may the chips fall
I do pray , I don't go through heartache again
Please don't make me
I've barely healed

It's rejuvenating,
Challenging,
Exciting,
Real and oh, so effortless.

Talking to you,
Entices my mind,
Fills my heart,
Awaken urges I didn’t know existed.

I look like a fool,
Can't keep still,
Can't stop smiling,
Eyes twinkling with excitement,
The best part of my day,

You bring laughter to my life,
Affection and Joy,
Talking to you,
Is enough for me,
Till the day I see you again
And Volcanoes of passion Erupt
Then our words,
Wouldn’t be the only thing connecting us.

I put a strong front,
I know I do.
Trust me.
I'm scared.
That with the distance
You have pulled back.
Attempting to break
the bond we have.

I'm Scared,
You got scared too soon
Gave up too easily
When it got hard

I'm scared,
thet when I get to see you
you'll be distant
I'll have to pretend
with my Strong face
Pretend,
That you wouldn't
Have  just killed me.
Tore my heart to pieces,
Crushed my dreams,
Crushed my hopes ,
Ruined a future,
I was hoping to have,
With you.

Because, To me
It's always been you ,
All this time,
All this distance between us,
It's always ,Just been you.

I'm scared
I'm Frightened to the fibre of my bones,
Of seeing you again.
I promise you,
I might not have the strength
to put on my strong face.
I'm scared ,
Everyone will see  me,
Breakdown, Completely Crushed.

Keep you with me ,
My heart can't bare the thought
Of you not in my life
My mind can't sustain the thought of it.

You have a way
To make me laugh
when I least expect to.

If it were upto me
I wouldnt be this far away
from you
I'd build us,
Build this raw beautiful thing
we found between us.

I can't bare it ,
Loosing us.
I won't bare it.
I just can't
Loose you.

You were the fire,
I longed for,
I needed ,
All along,
To burn me up,
Fill me up ,
Revive me,
Awake me ,
From the Illusion
of made up Peace.

I feel it
So slow and steady
As it creeps in.
Enforcing its will on me
slow is steady it says
as it breaks me down

Slow is steady
as I feel every minor change
Every Fibre touched

As I feel
Walls break down
Teary eyes,aches
Weeary, unsettled
Harder to breath
I'm drowning .

Save me
Please.

How do I put this?
I know left,
I know right.
I don't know the in between.

I can do black or white ,
I don't know what to do with grey.
Just as easily as I write this,
So it's true in my life.

We in the grey area right now,
I wish we weren't,
I can barely be in control,
I never know what to do,
What to say, or
How to flourish
or even turn it around.

I don't know,
How to make it work
In the grey area.
I don't have the skills,
To make you choose left or right.
How do I make you see,
Let you choose,
Decide ,
Pick Us.
Pick a side.
Pick anything,
I just don't know what to do with grey.

I am trying to let things off my chest
It's about time i realize
not all of us are mean't for true love and all that.
I read somewhere "
we define love
by what we experience."

It's safe to say,
What has been so clear so far
is that passionate love
That i used to dream off
Doesn't apply to me.

Nor the kind of soft love
that can exist between two people
who want to share their lives.
I don't have that either

What i do have
Is a list of rejections.
All this time ,I've been blaming myself
Thinking I am the problem
But not anymore
I am a totally awesome person.

I just wasn't meant to share that
Romantic passion with anyone.
I am making peace with that.
I really am.

I'll divert all that energy
That was seeking and looking around
for "Real Love",
To things that will build me up
or help me achieve my dreams
Be a blessing to other people.

Not all of us
Are destined for romance
Not all of us have that One person
We are waiting to find.

I just wanna live my life happy
Doing all the things that are necessary
Having an impact with the world.
I'll share that passion.
That,I know I can do.

It's weird
How comfortable i am with you
Maybe it's coz you are honest

I didn't realise
Just how much i liked you
Till the reality
Of never seeing you again hit me

The pain that stung my heart.
The tears I tried to fight
The memories i tried to hide

Just everything about you
Reminded me
What i'd like
Who i'd like to be with.

You were sent to me
To show me whats real
What's an obsession
How I appreciate it
I was loosing myself
In the obsession

Not anymore though

What I want?
Someone who gets me
Knows my personality
Shares my future
Sees my bright side
Accepts my wild side
Understands everyone has a dark side

Someone to share my life
Grow old with
Motivate and encourage each other
Admire the different skills within us
Aspire for the greatness of each other
Being each others rocks,
During downfalls
Enjoy the journey of life together

His cute face , adorable smile
Most masculine scent ever
with which so little effort rises waves of passions in me
And
My smile , cute body
Adorable *** and piercing eyes
Are just added advantages
To the bond we already have
Not the main attraction.

That's what I want ,
That's what I've always wanted.
When the word Love ,
Actually makes sense.

Such a mess am I
I find myself in a hole
I dig deeper
and deeper

Instead of finding my way out
I bury myself deeper
And deeper

Till my hands get sore
My pride is overpowered
By my depression
Then I look for help
To find a way out
Of my own misery.

Till then
I keep burying myself.
Deeper and deeper
In the abyss of nothingness.

So much has happened
In such a short time
I couldn't tell you
What I am feeling right now.

There are so many things
I have to deal with
But I can't face it all at once
I'd go nuts .

For now
I rest in a suspended state
Trying to feel nothing
Trying to think nothing
Trying to keep moving

If I stop
Face it all
I'm afraid
I'll break
Wouldn't know
How to piece myself
Back together.

That intense link
With emotions
Guilt, Regret
With every decision
Just isn't there anymore
I don't feel it

This is scary
Interesting at the same time

I seem to handle rejection
way better
I seem to have
almost  a carefree attitude
To things
That would have left me in tears
Should I be worried?

I don't think so
I'll savor this
Milk it down as long as it lasts
Things seem simpler
Less Emotional burden
I feel different
I love this.

It easy at times
To bottle down
Those feelings

Comes a time
When someone opens you up
Every single pain
That you had held back
Comes out
Tearing your heart apart.

When every single thought
Of those memories
Engulfs your heart
You feel your body tremble
You throat dries up
Your eyes weeping
Invincible tears
Only seen
By the heart.

I may look calm,smile
Inside
I am shattered to pieces.

I ruin things
Say words
That can't be taken back

I **** the spark
As soon as it lights up

I ruin connections
Intentionally
I see the end
Before it Begins

I know I can't handle it
When the End
Actually comes.
With every beautiful beginning
Comes a sad ending.

I need help.

When you lack words
To express
The turmoil of emotions
Going on inside you.

When you feel sad
Lonely
And can't explain why

Just coil up in bed
Hide in a corner
You wanna cry
Can't find the tears

Nothing you do
Seems to cheer you up
I hate such days
It's like I am mourning
Something I don't know

The loss of something
I never had

I pray,
I don't get to see you
It's almost impossible
To get over you
When  I have to see your
Lovely Face,
Piercing eyes
Smile that melts my heart.
Every Workday.

My brave face.
Over time
Is the best disguise
To the Pieces Inside
That  make
Who I really am.

I am
Who I have to be
To the world
To my friends

Hiding
My brokenness
Is my daily chore
I can't trust anyone
With my pieces.

It's them
Who left me broken
In the first place.

Don't watch those
Romantic movies
That kind of  love
Doesn't exist.

Don't go around
Looking for that love
You will never find it
It doesn't exist.

When you meet that someone
Who understands you
Sticks by you
Puts you first
Hang on to him
It's the closest to real love
As you will ever get .

All the rest
Are lustful  passions
Which burn out
As fast as they came
Leaving behind
The worst of heartaches.

Dear Younger me
Be wiser
Guide your heart
Don't let it be as broken
With so much despair
With very little,
To hold on to.

Seems so easy,
For you,
To forget me .

I'd have loved,
To be the person ,
You love.

Funny how ,
These exact words,
Someone else ,
Said them to me.

Make it love ,
The right people.

Make it forget,
Previous hurts

Can't it just be content,
Without longing for more,
For what it can't have,
For true love.

Let it be happy,
For everyone else,
Let it be happy
With what I have.
Heal my heart.

Why can't love
Be simple.

Why do I have the need
To be so close
To someone.

How do I ****
That need?

It'll save me from
So much tears.

I know
We don't have such a strong connection
I know that
You don't think of me
The way I do.

My heart
Fell in love with you
With no real reason
Not right ones anyway.

I know
I don't mean as much to you.
Sometimes I wonder
Do you ever
Think of me.
Would you ever
Against all odds
Feel the same way.
Would you?

I have been closed up too long ,
I feel so lonely sometimes,
when I eventually convince myself,
To open up to someone,
They break me down again.

I thought,
The problem was me,
I still think ,the problem is me.

Everyone who I fall in love with
Leaves me.
I am so tired ,
Of trying to find out
What's wrong with me.
I give up.
I don't wanna fix me anymore.

About time I realize,
Love was not meant,
For me.

Fantacies vs Reality
Reality ***** at times
I'd rather deal
with the truth
Than live
In a fantasy world.

If there was a way
To make my fantasies real
I'd have found it
By now.

I decide
To live
In my reality
Make it the best ever
That it can make someone
Believe
In making their fantacy
A reality

I took today off
from the worlds expectations of me.
Today I was just me
Living the moment
Entertaining myself
Being me
In the most natural state.

I realized something
I had missed me.

Every now and then
I forget ,
There is only so much
In my control.

I compare myself
To every other person
Doubt my capabilities
Build my insecurities

Every now and then
I loose confidence
In myself
I forget
How far I have come.

Every now and then
I forget
To be me.

I have a longing
To find a place
where I can just be.
where I can find peace.

Just be in silence
listen to myself
enjoy being me
rest for my soul
Escape from the madness
Of this world.

I don't know
How others do it
Take in disappointments
over and over and over again
And still choose
To love again.

I prefer
My Coffee
Very Reliable.

Incredible,
How I met you
A chat here, a chat there
You were perfect
You knew what to say
Loved me in my simplest form
I could care less about makeup
You made me feel beautiful
Just the way I was.
I loved every bit of it
Listening to your heart
Lying on your chest

No one held me
As tight as you did
Nor ignited the flames in me
As well as you did
Nor made me feel
Cared for, Special.

You reminded me
Of all I tried so had
To believe doesn't  exist
I hate you for it
For I know
You will never be mine.

Does it show
You are in my dreams
More than I care to admit
To myself.

Does it show,
I long for your touch,
You to say words,
I wanna hear so badly

Does is show
How hard ,
I am trying
To ignore my heart,
Overpowered by you.

Senseless and Confused,
Constricted and  Divided,
My heart or  My mind.

Does it show,
How willing
My heart is to love you.
How hard ,
My Mind is fighting against it.

I wonder,
Does it show.

I saw you
Staring at me.

I saw you,
Watching me.
Thought you'd make a move,
You never came to me .

I should ,
Have said Hi,
Maybe your Number too

Coz Now,
I can't forget your eyes
Yet
I have no way
Of reaching you.

At the least ,
Let you know
I like your eyes.

They say
Forget the past
How can you?
When you stare at it everyday.
When you bump into the past
Every weekday,
Every Morning,
Everyday.

Well,
This is depressing.

Hurts ,
Trying so hard
Not to think of you.

Hurts,
To ignore you
To keep my distance.

Hurts,
To see you so close
Yet not touch you.

It's the only way
I know
To get over you.

I wish I knew
What you are thinking,
Maybe then
I'd be free enough
To open my heart
Full of words for you.

Till then,
If ever,
I'll keep them to myself.