Its feels as though I am constantly being shut down.
The worst part is that I don't think they realize they are doing it,
And even worse than that?
It come's from someone who doesn't mean to,
Family.
And you wonder why I am holed up in my room all day?
It's not because I'm lazy or antisocial.
It's because I don't have the energy to put up with their scrutiny.

Sad days are the worst
You have no reason to feel
You go through the day wondering if you're real

You just feel tired and empty
A robot without a purpose

So you listen to the sad songs
Because all you want to do is cry

And the only way to get there
is to inflict the emotions on yourself
You want to feel the pain

You grab a guitar start strumming away
thinking of the most bleak situations

Creating lyrics that match the feeling
Even if they go with a fictional scenario

Sometimes I wish I didn't have such an active imagination
Because things that aren't real can become as real as memory

You keep it slow and melancholy
Pouring out sorrowful words

I guess it is true what they say
Broken girls sing broken songs

I have to stay away from things that drive me mad,
Things that bring back thoughts that I stored away.

I remind myself of this as I see the signs,
I thought I was over this, I have been happy,

And yet here I am once again
crying over the me that could've been.

I am sick of crying, of feeling this way
I'm sick of comparing myself to other people
I am sick of the insecurities that wait around the corner,
Latching on later like leaches.
"Shut up!" I scream at myself.
"what is my problem?"
Even I can't answer that one.

Last night was the worst as I started to assign thoughts to everyone
My head hasn't been this loud in a while.
"They are laughing at you."
"They are annoyed and blame you."
Do others find me annoying?
Cause I do.
"You're pathetic"
"you cant do anything right"
"Its YOUR fault."
Spiraling and spiraling


I find myself apologizing for things I have no control over
"Why do I keep apologizing? I have no need to"
I wish I could stop and stand up for myself for once

I love it when angry fire fuels me
Cause it is during those moments that I don't care
"I don't care what you think"
"I don't care of your opinions"
"Shut up and stop telling me what to do!"
I mutter these words under my breath as I bite my tongue.
Because there is no point in starting a fight I may or may not win

So I go home and cry it out,
But I don't even have the energy you need to release the excess
This will only make sense to some as I have a very topsy-turvy brain.
Everything feels upside down.
I have taken a trip to wonderland where everyone is mad and very little makes sense.
Where is my mad hatter? They make me feel sane.
I need them in the air so I can feel the ground.

Her soothing words and our long talks bring me back up
I wouldn't have made it out without her guidance.
My mind is quiet once again
Thanks mom.

I think I think too much
Thoughts are ricocheting in my brain.
Never stopping
One thought starts a domino line
I dangerously follow the rabbit trails

I think I talk to much
I think faster than I can speak
Then later I regret it
Thinking maybe your annoyed with me

Wish I could turn it all off
Im sick of hearing myself
Always overthinking as my brain keeps going and going
Always over-talking I ramble and ramble.
I Yearn for the peace and quietness

I blast the music to turn off my thoughts
Disrupt the chain, break the link.
Even as I sleep descriptive dreams envelop me
I'm looking for the off switch
For temporary release.

smoking
she said
isn't good for your health

but I am not
listening to the words
she said

putting the cigarette
back into my mouth

crying
she said
isn't good for your eyes

but I am not
listening to the words
she said

starting to cry again
over the boy who left me

loving
she said
isn't good for your heart

but I am not
listening to the words
she said

I am still loving
but not the boy who left me

I am loving her
the woman who carried me 9 months
inside her

Dear momma,
worrying about me
I am saying
isn't your purpose in life

but she didn't
listen to the words
I said

so she still worries about me

You held my hands in your own
You looked down and saw the scars on my palms
And then looked me in the eyes and asked, "who hurt you?"
I quietly replied, "everyone who said they wouldn't."