Sometimes I wish I was a ****
I wish every touch was the same to me,
That there was no difference between the person extending it for me
That your hand on my back felt the same as any other person's hand on my back
That your smile meant the same as any other person's smile to my heart

Sometimes I wish that you meant nothing to me.
That your shoulder bumping ino mine was like any other tactile stimuli
That it didn't make me feel giddy and special

That it didn't set my heart on fire

That it didn't make me like you more

That it's nothing

That You're nothing

The light goes through you
No longer a reflection of your beauty
No longer an oasis for my erratic pulse
A thorn to the eye and a boiling knife to the chest
Not blinded, just vexed
Not shining but dulled
Your fire just a flicker of what it once was
The flame you lit in me now void of warmth.
The impact you had on my heart
Now nothing more than a bruise

The universe talks to me.
And right now it's saying you're no good for me
Everywhere I turn, I see how we would not work
We're too similar
We don't add to each other's character
We don't grow together - we grow alongside each other
We believe the same things - but when we don't, we can't hear the other out.
I don't want to listen.

We drown in each other's eyes but claw up each others minds
Planting traces of explosives that time will force together
Into a whole, ready to shatter
And take with it our sanity,
Our mutual care
Our love

You're no good for me, the universe tells me
It gives me many alternatives,
Throws people in my path
Brings back old friends, previous acquaintances, long-forgotten memories
I'm not listening yet.

The universe tries to talk to me
I don't want to listen
I want to drown in your eyes like you drown in my voice

The universe tries to talk to me.
I don't want to listen.

But you don't talk to me anymore.
Should I start listening?

i don't talk about you anymore

i often wonder whether they can tell
that i'm telling but not all
that i'm hiding behind my smiles and time tables
and that you're still on my mind

am i a fool?
am i kidding myself enough for the both of us?
did you not have to do anything in the end
because i lied to myself enough
did i do your work for you?

it doesn't hurt me anymore, you know
I lie
but seeing your face so distorted makes my hands shake
and hearing your voice, destroyed, beaten
makes my heart ache
and feeling my blood run faster makes me angry
and in general something in me feels like it'll break

you can't make me run like this anymore
you can't continue making me feel this way anymore
i'm hurting and i'm yearning, but worst of all
I'm hoping
for you to turn around, for you to clear the fog, for you to finally respond
for you. to come back the way you left

abruptly. unexpectedly. quietly. quickly.

You praised my heart and helping hand
And for the longest time I could not understand
How any of that could make me special
Until you used those words to describe her
And how perfect she is.

And that is the paragraph on how you broke my heart for the first time ever.

But even in my darkest hour, my darkest day
Your doings could not take my humor away.
I am more than what you did to me,
I am more than what you made me feel.

Even when you broke my heart
I could not be mean enough to try and tear you apart.
I cried so many tears,
But for the next few years
I wished you only the best.

Even after you left that gaping hole
Right there in the very centre of my soul,
I could not hate you, never hate you
Because I loved you, always loved you
Beyond your kind heart and helping hands
Your everlasting patience and my high demands
You understood me like no one else had ever done
You listened to me when I was undone
You cared for me when I broke down
And then you took my heart, my very crown.

You broke my heart, my spirit, my pride
But the one thing you could never take from me is my reflex to fight
I'll fight your impact, your demeanour, what you made me feel
I'll reclaim what you took me from me and reveal
Once and for all what I know to be my greatest strength
My love for myself. And that can really
For real
Unlike you
And what I once allowed myself to feel for you
Last the entire length.

A word that has many different meanings

'I don't think you're doing as well as you could'
it's a sign of trust, of faith, of thinking you're able to do better, to be better, to achieve more.

'I don't think this is what you deserve'
Seeing someone else's potential, seeing they're not reaching it, seeing they are not getting what they should be getting.

'Your achievements don't measure up to what society expects of you'
Improve, do your best, try to fit in. You might be different but it's not the worst, you can do better.

'At this point in time, it's just out of pity'
There's something wrong with you, and you don't get it. You're not deserving, but you don't get it yet. This is a favour, but have you earned it?

This is my heart breaking, but have you earned the right to do so?
Do you deserve that power?
Do you deserve me?

I never needed pity.
I just needed your friendship.

I'm not competing with you any longer.

I can't keep up with your tricks;
you lost my love like you lose your temper
Hardly at first, then rapid like wildfire.

The wild fire that I was once compared to
it now runs through your every action with them
And burns our bond to the ground, little by little.

I'm not competing with you any longer.

I can't support your insecurities any more
than you can pretend not to see mine.
My heart breaks, but you all step on the pieces.

I'm not competing with you any longer.

Stay if you want. Leave if you don't.
I won't care any more.
I've cut my heart out for you and burned it
In the fire you once compared me to
The passion that once burned in me
I'll rekindle it for someone else.

I'm done competing with you.