Why do you push people away?

"I want them to be happy."

They’ll check your wrists,
But not your thighs,
They’ll check your smile,
But not your eyes
They’ll avoid the truth,
Believe the lies,
Nothing to sooth,
No reason to cry,
Our smiles are bright,
Eyes are a bit dull,
Wrists are clean despite,
The blade with an emotional pull,
And we’re emotionally unstable,
But they say that’s okay,
We are all a bit of a riddle,
But that’s the only thing we can convey,
And the world will open to swallow us up,
But that’s okay, at least our habits remain,
And when their arms finally open up,
We will show them the reflection they taught us to shame,
So we paint a smile with the color of red,
From the thighs they didn’t check,
And from our eyes we bled.
And they'll only understand,
When the noose hold us by our necks,
And if they had thought twice,

Maybe our eyes they would have checked.

dear [...],

sigh

"i'm sorry that i wasn't enough

to be there for you."

but i'm scared

don't act like you care

when you don't 

i'm scarred

but those are just anecdotes

burned onto my skin

people think that there's an antidote

they tell me to stay;

wanna leave, but i don't 

it's not just another season

i just keep my mouth shut

there are too many reasons

for so long, i've been suicidal

all this weight stacked in a pile

i just hesitate when it comes to dial

it feels like i'm on trial 
i'm a burden 

everything's hurting

that ledge on the bridge, i'll revisit

i see no point to life 

i've already past my limit 

these thoughts on rewind

over and over and over again 

going over the edge

it's not a matter of if, but when 

can't deal with this pain 

only way with a gun to my head

two bullets to my brain

shooting blanks

be grateful they say, give thanks

putting time into loyalty

not enough buoyancy

i'm sinking
mind's overthinking 

sleep shrinking

time's ticking

words kicking

thoughts are sickening

lights flickering

on and off, on and off switch 

stuck in this matrix

this twisted glitch 

i ain't static

not trying to be dramatic

i was a troubled kid, always problematic

back story, a bit traumatic

always an odd one, an erratic

with the cool kids, i never fit 

the parties, they weren't "lit" 

this hub ain't a house, and 

this house don't feel like home 

walls fall apart like styrofoam 

ain't as well known as the colosseum in Rome 

who knew that 

old friends would become my new demons

and old demons would become my new friends 

stuck in these habits 

these flaws are my bad bits

those anxiety attacks are my sad fits 

they say that they'll be there

but when you need them most 

but why do i feel like 

i'm a ghost

xo-rd

I ran away today; and so I failed.
I couldn’t face my biggest fear; instead I bailed.
Suffocated from the inside out,
I was trapped and full of doubt.
Screaming on the inside, quiet on the outside;
within fear and anxiety is where I reside.