I lived in a prison
my whole life
a prison made of invisible walls
they imprisoned
parts of me
so early that I did not notice it
until I was almost thirty
it is a prison that
has been handed down
generations
it is the prison that
is created when one believes
one must hide everything
because everything is flawed
and thus everything becomes flawed
nothing remains real
you loose yourself
in the process
of gaining recognition
by being whoever
they want you to be
until you can’t deliver
anymore
this is the day you break
and either dissolve
or pick up the pieces
and slowly become
who you were meant
to be

now I know
where I come from
why I am
so different
from you
I take a breath
and hope
you can see
what it means
to be inside
the body
I call
me

I wait
I sit and wait
my whole life
to unfold
nothing happens
I sit and wait
to feel the life
I have been told about
nothing shifts
I listen
I look
only noise
only stuff
my mind is full of it
I try to escape
when I sit and wait


Shaped by my past
my mind gives me orders
so subtle
they seem to be coming from me
so subtle
I believe I am free
it is only when I feel
myself
I know it can not be
as I notice
my frozen me
I move
I tremble
nobody sees
how I shake
nobody sees
how I hesitate
they find no harm in me
thus they welcome
my company

not sure
whether this will
be my life
whether this is
what is
or whether
there will be more
I try to reach
the light
of
now

I only had one friend
who knew
that life was about
connecting
nothing could get in his way
he would greet me like no one else
with a long "hey"
while smiling my way
he had little money
no career
he died in his early thirties
and still
I would trade with him
if I could
as I know my life
will never be
filled with
so much love
as his

I miss being a child
full of laughter and wild
without worries and lies

I look into the sky
smile
and know I am
ready to die

I have seen
the rain
the sun
when everything
had begun
the end
all of it

I know it is ok
if I cry
when I loose
my life

I touch the ground
the dirt
let the tears
drop down my face
who are the only witnesses
of the beauty
I just felt
when
life
touched
my heart

in the middle of the night
I look up into the sky
simply wondering
how
and
why
I am standing here
why it is that I am alive
suddenly
this joy appears
which makes me feel
so alive

You say
please please
see me
see my soul
and see what I
can do
please see
me and say
that I am loveable
I won’t believe a word
but it will comfort me
briefly
I say please please
admire
my doing
even though I know
no matter how much
praise
I will get
it won’t help me
to believe
that any of it is true
I know this
but still
try to ignore it
a life long pattern
a pattern
that has shaped my life
it is difficult to change
it
the need for approval
is so great
it’s power so overwhelming
a force
that can not be stopped
easily
and so I seek false recognition
by the many ways
our culture allows me to
begging
for likes
like a billion
souls out there
trying to fill
a void
that seems
unbearable
having found no cure
I am only left with
posting these
words