This morning
I cried.

I wish I could
tell you
why.

I wish I could
tell you
why
the girl
crying on my
phone screen
stabbed my heart
so violently
so blindly.

I cried.

Whether I cried
because
I believed her
her pleas
that the world
is beautiful
that
life
will always
always
be worth
it.

Whether I cried
because
I envied her
her faith
that the beauty
of the universe
makes this
*******
worth it.

Whether I cried
because
her tearful voice
reminded me
so much
of my own
that I couldn't stop
the doubt
that I've so long
hidden.

Whether I cried
because
I
wish
I could hold onto
those moments
of
faith.

I cried
because her words
her assurances
of
those sunsets
those smiles
those hazy moments
were something
that
I
wish
I could
   touch.

I cried
because
none of that
has
ever

  felt worth it.

I'm trying to learn that it's alright for people to find me
strange.

So often I am met with remarks of:

"I wish I could be as confident as you."
"I can't believe you're not scared to wear that."
"You didn't really say that to him...right?"

I don't feel confident.
I am scared.
I did say it.

I've regretted it since.

Oddities are a novelty until they surpass an acceptable monthly quota.

However,

I've found that habitual marijuana usage and
pretty white lines
can be a valid excuse for
strange behavior.

Each joint shared
Each liquor bottle opened
Increases the monthly quota by one.

You're allowed to be:

"Off."
"Eccentric."
"Weird."

If you're a substance abuser.

It's actually
expected
at times.

If I act too normal, I'll get
comments,
such as:

"Wow, I forgot you do drugs."
"Do you not need your meds anymore?"
"Have you thought your mania is just from all the ***?"

I didn't forget.
I do need them. I often don't take them.
And, sometimes.

But then I'll soberly proclaim to be the next Van Gogh and that my **** are nicer than
Mia Khalifa's.

(They're not.)

Regardless,
you can write off absurd behavior
if it occurs while
intoxicated.

I learned that younger
than I
should've.

It's harder to refute the confused glances
whispered jokes
when your head is
clear
but your
heart
is foggy.

"Let us know if [  ] scares you in the group chat;
you'll get used to her eventually."

"I hope we don't have to have this conversation again."

"She's hot, but she's kind of
crazy."

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.