I like the idea of Slim Shady
Eminem's alter ego
I like the idea because I can relate
I understand

I believe everyone
Has an alter ego
A worse version of themselves
That tears at them from the inside
Even though some people
Don't acknowledge it

Lately
I've been listening to Eminem quite a bit
My favorite song
Is My Darling
Because half way through the song
Eminem fights with his demon

Granted, I've never been in most of the situations
That he dealt with
I've never had an abusive mother
I've never had a drug problem
I've never had an alcohol problem

But I have dealt with inner demons
I hear a dark and angry voice in my head

Eminem fascinates me
He tells his story
Through his words
He expresses his pain
His anger
His love
His hate

When you really think about it
How is rap much different than poetry?
I think it's similar
Rap tells a story
Rap expresses emotions
Rap speaks the artist's truth
That they couldn't say any other way
Rap is a form of slam poetry
In my opinion
The difference is
Rap has a beat

Maybe that's why
Eminem inspires me so much
Maybe it's because I understand the pain
Of hearing the inner demon
Always screaming in your ear
Telling you these lies
Trying to force you into things
Trying to trick you into your old ways

I'm probably not the only one
But I don't really care
Because it doesn't really matter

I will continue to be inspired
About how brutally honest his words are
About how he's not afraid
To say what he thinks
How he's not afraid to tell his story
No matter how hard it may be

Slim Shady fascinates me
Eminem inspires me
And Marshall Mathers understands me

How do I express my affection,
For the person who loves me most?
Buy a ring?
Or a necklace
And flowers?

But what's the point of that?
Rings get lost
Necklaces forgotten
And flowers die

But what oh what,
Do I do for you?
Choclates?
A cheesy card?

Chocolates don't last
And cards are discarded
So they won't do
For the magnificent you

What do I do,
For someone as great as you?
You're one of my best friends
You care for me when I'm sick
And hold me when I cry

You laugh at my corny jokes
And random thoughts
You smile at my silliness
And sometimes play along

You listen to my stories
The good ones
And not so great ones

You sacrifice so much for me
It really ain't that fair
For me to act like
I don't even care

You've combed my hair
And picked my clothes
Washed my belly
And my toes

You've loved me
Since even before you had me
And worked so hard to care for me

You found a wonderful man
To help raise me
With you
And he's doing a really good job too

You are a wonderful person
And an even better mom
I wouldn't trade you for the world
You really are "da bomb"

You've made your mistakes
And I've made mine
But all through out time
You're my partner in crime

This poem is getting long
And I guess it will have to do
Even if it doesnt describe
The perfectly wonderful you

Happy Mother's Day mom
I hope you know
You really do mean the world to me
And that I really do love you

How do you find
The source of pain?
It's not like
It's screaming my name

So many things
Try to take the fame
For causing me
The most pain

My ex boyfriend
Is a manipulative *****
Who thinks he knows
What's best for me

My mother is sick
But slowly getting better
Even without
A doctor to help her

I am in love
With my best guy friend
But I'm afraid
Because of my ex boyfriend

My real dad
Is an *******
But if you ask him
He'll deny it

I guess somehow,
It's all my fault...

I should have listened about my ex

I should be grateful my mom is getting better

I should know to trust my best friend not to hurt me

I should learn my father won't change

But it's all the same
They still cause me pain
I wish you could see
What it's all doing to me

I always thought
The tiny little creatures
That we call hamsters
Were adorable
When they run on the tiny wheel

That is
Until I realized that
I'm the hamster
Running, running, running
But going nowhere

My anxiety propels me
To run, run, run
My instinct is to run away
But, just like the small creature
It just loops around me

I push it away
And it gets worse
And it just snowballs
Growing bigger

And bigger

And BIGGER

Then I'm stuck
Spinning so fast
On this hamster wheel
Round and round and round

I'm going faster than the speed of light
And I can't process things
But I brought this upon myself
By thinking, I could run away in the first place

Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid

I am so stupid
I have a mental illness
And it's not going away
No matter where I run

It's like a small child
Clinging to my leg for dear life
No matter what I do
That **** thing is with me

I can tell
That people are getting sick of me
I feel it
A feeling I'm all too familiar with
This is the feeling
That tells me to prepare for the storm
Because they are getting ready to leave

Just like a hamster
It's cute at first
But the squeaky wheel
Slowly drives one insane
And it's not so cute anymore

At first
People pitied me
As they tried to help me
But I continue
To use my anxiety
As a reason for my dysfunction
And it's driving everyone insane

At this point
I want to shut down
Stick a knife in my temple
And **** my brain
So I can think
But I won't
Because I have WAY too much to live for

So my next best option
Is to shut people out
And get the **** done

Alone

Because that's what I'm best at

It was stupid to ask for help
In a war against myself
That no one else sees
Because that's what pushes people away

They see me
For the monster I actually am
With my constant anxiety
And horrible depression
And they get overwhelmed
And leave

So the best thing I can do
Is lock this up
Put on a happy face
And pretend nothing is wrong
Lik I've done for almost 17 years now

I can't lose more people
I just can't handle the heartbreak
And I'm afraid
That my catastrophic brain
Will slowly destroy
The relationships I've worked so hard to build

So here I go
Just gotta hold my breath
Smile
Hold my head up high
And pretend I'm okay
Because that's the only way
To fight this impossible war

Fake it until you make it

*Right?

What does this mean?
What does it mean to trend?
Do I make an impact?
Do I make a difference?

The empty poems
The ones that mean nothing
Trend

The passionate ones
The ones that mean everything
Trend

Why?
Why do they trend?
What makes them loved?
Do I make a difference?

Why do I inspire you?
Why do I move you?
I don't understand
I really don't understand

What a sick game
A game of chess I can't seem to win
I'm a pawn
Being moved back and forth
But no matter where I go
It's a checkmate

I'm so close to the edge
I'm looking into the pit of depression
I know he's down there
He's always down there
Yet

Here I stand
On the edge
Even with the knowledge of his destruction

What a bittersweet mentality
Things are so sweet and peaceful
Then it suddenly tastes bitter in my mouth

My words turn into cement
Closing my throat
And suffocating me

So close to the edge
I can see over the pit
I can see the other side
But I'm afraid to jump
I'm afraid to go for it
Because of this bittersweet mentality

I'd get there
To the other side
And I'd be happy
But then I'd fall
Fall into the deepest, darkest pits of depression

So I stay on this side
Trying to find away across
Pacing back and forth
Like a pawn on a chess board
Trying to solve an endless puzzle

I feel like I'm about to fall
But I'm fighting
I feel like I'm going to lose
But I know I'm going to win

I won't let this bittersweet mentality
Rule my life anymore
I'll get through this
By myself
Or with the help of those around me

I will get through this

No thanks to my bittersweet mentality

Sad all the time?
Here's a pill

Self contious about your weight?
Take a pill

Over anxious?
Pills all around

Slept too much?
A pill will help

Didn't sleep?
A pill will solve that

When will society
Get it through their thick skull
That pills won't solve everything

Sure they help
I'm not saying they don't
But they can't solve EVERYTHING

I'm severely depressed
I'm extremely anxious
All
The
****
Time

So they give me pills
Little pills
Big pills
Capsels
Tablets
Different shapes
Different colors

I still feel empty
I still feel hollow
No matter how many drugs
These doctors force feed me

I'm so accustomed to it
My body shuts down
If I miss a day's doseage
I'm so accustomed to it

I have to remind myself
Almost everyday
That all these pills
Aren't magic pills
They won't magically cure me
No matter how much I long for it

I started this path
2, almost 3, YEARS ago
Yet I'm still here
At the bottom of the pit
No hope
No faith

So many stupid pills
So much false hope
So much anger
And depression
And anxiety

They may help you
They may help him
And her

But they don't help me
I feel like I'm immune
Like my mental state
Built a wall so thick
That even drugs can't help me

Now when I say pills
And drugs
I don't mean illegal stuff
I don't mess with that
I mean the prescriptions
Doctors write to get paid

I follow the rules
All the directions
Everything
And my heart is still chained

I'm so sick of this
It feels like a game
Like a giant lie
That doctors tell me
So they can make money

"Take this and you'll feel better."

"That didn't work?
     Try this one."

"Lets up the dosage.
    And add this pill."

"Have three more pills
    on top of those two."

"Take all of these pills
     twice a day.
         With food."

"It's very important you take it."

Right
I have to take all your pills
So I can be 'normal'
So I can be happy
And fit into your broken society

It's such a twisted game
A joke so funny
I forgot to ******* laugh

**** your pills
***** your problem solving
You can't fix me
With all the worthless, expensive, pills

It's not a bad day

It's raining outside after a night of loud thunder

It's not a bad day

I woke up in blood

It's not a bad day

I had to wash my sheets and scrub my mattress

It's not a bad day

I couldn't figure out what to wear

It's not a bad day

I couldn't look at my body without disgust

It's not a bad day

I struggled to find an outfit to make it bearable

It's not a bad day

My new thrifted necklace broke in two places

It's not a bad day

My ears started bleeding when I put in earrings

It's not a bad day

I ran out of time to do my chores before I had to leave

It's not a bad day

I have to go to the store after my college classes

It's not a bad day

The 20 dollar manicured nail polish are already chipping after 4 days

It's not a bad day

I promise
It's not a bad day
It can't be a bad day

I don't think you get it
The feeling of true terror

The stomach drop
The sharp knife
Going through your chest
And coming out of your back

True terror
Is something I've never felt before

Not until now

My mind filled with 'What if's'
What if he hurts my babe?
What if he hurts me?
What if he's out for revenge?
What if he tries to go after my friends?

My throat is tight
TRUE terror

What if
What if
What if

Who do I talk to?
Classmates understand
They warned my babe
Told him to watch out
Protect me

But I don't want that
I don't want him to do that
I don't want him to get hurt
Because of me
I could never forgive myself

What about everyone else
My squad
My friends
My family

They could get hurt
Because of me

But maybe he won't do anything
Maybe he won't be a threat
Maybe I'm over dramatic
Maybe I'm over reacting

I know that's what daddy would say
I know that's what mama would say
I know that's what little brother would say

Did I do something to cause this
Was there something I could have done
To prevent any of this
Or am I just being stupid

People say I'm innocent
That it's all on him
But I'm actually terrified
That I caused it to be my fault

It's been almost a ******* year
And a 5 minute video can hurt me
How can this happen

This ******* *****
This stupid 5 minute video
Brought me terror

True terror

I'm sick of being the bad guy
The pain
Destruction
And torture

I'm sick of being the bad guy
In all the roles I play
Life is just a movie
And I'm always to take the blame

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Always at the end of the gun
Words being my enemy

The words are as sharp as knives
Feel like the bite of a bullet

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Who isn't ever good enough

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Feeling pathetic
With every word I say

I'm sick of being the bad guy

I'm sick of being the bad guy

I'm so SICK of being the bad guy

Is it time to change roles yet
When can I save someone
Instead of destroy them

I want to bring hope
Not despair

People say
I'm not the bad guy
But the mirror says otherwise

I see every fault
Which pulls out the demons
The monsters

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Always being the one to **** up!
Always being the mistake
Always being the bad guy

I'm sick of it!
I can't take it!
I want to be the good guy!

If I'm the bad guy any longer
I might just crack
Cave under pressure

When will I be good enough
Strong enough
Powerful enough
To be the good guy

**BECAUSE I'M SICK OF BEING THE BAD GUY!!

Everyone has pain
Troubles they hide
Things they deny

That girl
Who is hardly 16
Has a baby on the way
And hears every hateful thing you say

A boy of 17
Being pushed from his home
For reasons unknown

The girl you call emo
Has a mental disorder
And feels nothing but hate

The skinny girl
With scars on her arms
She feels all alone
In her broken home

So many problems
Everyone has something
They wish would dissapear

One thing that needs to be clear
Is we ALL have problems
We all shed tears
We all laugh
We all scream
We all whisper
We all have something in common

It's called being HUMAN
Something inevitable
So we all have problems
But we've all got loved ones
People who really care

I'm screaming
Screaming
Screaming
Screaming

No one hears me
Hears the echos
Sounds that bounce through my hollow core

The emptiness
Suffocating
Overwhelming
Exhausting

Can't breath
Can't think

Don't want to live
Don't want to die

To exist
To not exist

To be
To not be

Screaming
Yelling
Crying
Begging

Mercy
Mercy
Mercy

Have mercy on me

Hear me
Help me
Free me

Hey
Hey you
Ya you
You with the pills

What are you doing?
Do you know what you're about to do?
You're about to end your life!
That doesn't just affect you
It affects everyone around you

It will make your mom cry
It will make your dad weak in the knees
It will make your brother question everything
It will make your sister afraid
Your best friend will cry
Over your loss

So please
For me
A random poet
Who has been there

Put down the pills
Put away the gun
Put down the knife
Put back the alcohol

Ya it ***** now
I'm not going to tell you it doesn't
But this is one small bump
In your entire life!

You've got so much ahead of you
I promise
It will get better
In some shape or form

I don't know
What pain your going through
But I do know suicide tonight
Isn't the solution for tomorrow

Because tomorrow might be
The best day of your life
But you'll never know
If you don't wait
And find out

Why is my heart tight
From a 7 letter word

A 7 letter word
From 2 years ago

My stomach is twisting
My head is spinning
I feel the self hate

Pathetic little girl
Letting the pain come back
A 7 letter word
Is all it took

So pathetic
To let it bring the hurt back

You're supposed to be better
To put it in a grave
And let it die instead of you

But here I am
Sharp pains of guilt
And shame

My body feels weak
Heavy like lead
From a simple 7 letter word

I can feel the numb return
I can feel the pain again

A trigger

A stupid 7 letter word
Is a trigger for me

It awakens the beast
And it reminds me
How close I always am
To falling back into the grips
Of the monster inside

No matter how drugged I am
With antidepressants
And mood stabilizers
That 7 letter word
Brings back the pain
The numb
The memories of 2 years ago

Memories of Roger's Memorial
Of the fear
Of the hate

They come rushing back
Because of a 7 letter word
That has affected so many

A 7 letter word
That once had no meaning to me
But now terrifies me

A 7 letter word
A simple 7 letter word

*Suicide

It’s been a month
A month of silence
A month of numb
A month of nothing

I’m  b   r    e     a      k      i       n       g

I’m breaking
And it doesn’t matter
Because no one sees

I want to scream
I want to lash out
But I can’t
And I won’t

I’m so NUMB
I feel so ALONE

It’s been a month
Since I last saw you

It’s been two months
Since I’ve been locked away
Locked away
Where I’m alone
Cut off from the real world

It feels like I’m suffocating
Drowning in air
Drowning in thoughts

I’d known this was to come
I’d known all along
I’d known
Because all good things
Come to an end

Good things
Happy things
Joyful things
They don’t last
Not for people
Like me

People like me
Who ***** up
People like me
Who are stuck
People like me
Who are hopeless

I guess it’s normal
Normal to be depressed
Normal to be numb
Normal to be drowning

Because I’m always depressed
I’m always numb
I’m always drowning

I just pretend I’m okay
I just smile until you think I’m fine

I just **pretend

I never thought I'd be
Unstable

I never thought
I'd want to die

I never thought
The thought of cutting myself
Would be so appealing

How am I so
unstable?

I take all of these
pills
Just like I'm told

I talk to a counselor
But I still feel unwhole

It seems as if no matter what I do
I'm still unstable

My mind is in constant
panic

Thousands and thousands
Of whispers
Rush through my head

Everything up there
Has been painted black

So now I can't see
I can't hear
I can't do anything

Because I'm so
Unstable

My body moves
My body breaths
My heart pumps
My skin bleeds

But I'm....

I'm gone.....

I've disappeared

Never to be seen again

Because my mind...

*Is UNSTABLE

I have a closet
In the back of my mind

It is where I chose to hide
All the things I want to deny

The problems
The hurt
All have a place
In my mind

The closet

Sometimes it doesn't close
Because of an overflow
But I chose to ignore it

When I'm depressed
The demons break free
And they control me

The closet door is broken
And my self control is lost

The hurt
The pain
The loss
The problems

My demons

They strangle me
They tear at my heart
They tear at my soul

All because my closet door
Is broken
Shattered

Hope seems lost

But I work
And so does my construction crew
To fix my closet door
To contain my demons

To give me hope once more

So innocent
So small
So beautiful

Sweet child
So pure
So bright

Be careful
Sweet baby
The world is cruel
Your light shines bright
Just like a jewel

They will try to crush you
Crush your soul
Break your light

So be careful
Be bright
But protect your light

I love you sweet baby
My love is with you
Show your love
**CHANGE THE WORLD

Too many words
Thoughts
Ideas
Pictures

Clogged pores
Gears
Mind
Lungs

Drown myself in media
Muffle the sound
Muzzle my mind

Going to implode
Explode
Both

Trapped in a cage
Walls shrinking in
Too much against my skin

Electricity in my veins
Bees in my mind
Nothing behind my eyes

Must get out
Must escape
Must smile
Must behave

If I look pretty
They won't see the demons I hide

If I smile
They won't see the death in my eyes

If I laugh
They won't hear me cry out

If I act this way
They won't know I died last summer

I'll look alive
But in reality
I'm a walking, talking, corpse

I'm rotting from the inside
Im truly dying
I'm done fighting

I'm good at pretending
Pretending I'm strong
Pretending I'm happy
Pretending I'm fine
Pretending I matter

But in reality
None of its true
Because I died last summer
When my demons took over

So now I'm a corpse
Among the living
A zombie
A machine
Just going through the motions

I'm stressed out
I'm tired
Physically
And emotionally

My body can't handle
The hell my mind produces
As it is weaker

Have you ever felt
Like you're so tired
That you could sleep for days,
Maybe even weeks,
And still, be exhausted?

My body is that
Of a young adult
But my mental state is that
Of a five-year-old

I can act like an adult
But it makes me
So, so tired

It takes up all of my energy
To act as an adult
For an hour
I don't understand

I feel like
I haven't ever slept
In my entire life
As my eyelids grow heavier and heavier

I could sleep standing
As my energy disappears
In front of my eyes

I need a Monster
Or coffee
Or both
Just to make it through the day
But it's so so bad for you
To run on caffeine

I just want to quit
Because my anxiety
Takes up to much energy
I want to be better
And not get so tired
Every time I try to function
At the age I am

I'm just so...

tired

I don't understand
And I feel like
I'm all...

alone

As I'm pulled under
Into a dream like sleep
Where I close my eyes
And pictures instantly play
Behind my eyelids

I can't control it
I'm trying
But I don't know

I'm just so tired
Physically
And emotionally
And I don't know
How to handle it

Don't mourn for me
My body may be empty
But my soul is free

Free from pain
And struggle

Free from rejection
And abandonment

Free from the weight of the world
And high expectations

I'm soaring with the eagles
And swimming with the whales

I'm finally happy
And at peace

Something I've longed for my entier life
But never found

I wasn't as strong
As you say I was
Because there I lay
Cold and lifeless

Do you believe me now?
I was on a fishing line
Hanging on by a thread
On the edge

I told you
So many times
And I know you heard me
But there was nothing to do
But sit and wait

Well, I was sick of waiting
And playing games
Sick of medications
That gave me false hope

I couldn't do it
My emotional state
Died a long time ago
And my physical state
Was that of a machine
Going through the motions

I couldn't love
Or help
Or forgive

I couldn't feel

So please don't mourn for me
My body may be empty
But my soul is free

What do you see
When you see me

Do you see a beautiful young lady
Oozing potential

Bright grey eyes
And a big smile

Tall posture
Showing confidence

An outgoing girl
Ready to take on the world

When I look in the mirror
I see me

But who am I
Cliche really
The simple three worded question

I see a girl
With troubles in her eyes
And a smile full of lies

Being outgoing
Is my defence
Go all out
Let no one in

Tall posture
Is the result of a saying
"If you can't blow them away with your brilliance, baffle them with your *******."

In reality though
It's all self hate
Thoughts of

'You're not good enough'
'You're unforgivable'
'Nothing you do will ever be enough'

In reality
I am what you see
And what you see is me

And what you read here
Is another part of me
That I don't let people see

Is this what you see
When you meet me

Do you remember the jeep
Going for rides
With the top down
And music blarring

I sang at the top of my lungs
My hair blowing everywhere
Dancing in my seat
To Bonjovi
And Guns and Roses

We took the back roads
Absorbing the sunlight
I loved those moments
Bonding over music
That only you and I shared

Forgetting the rest of the world
Just you and me
No girlfriends
Or school
Or drama

Do you remember the White Sox game
My first baseball game
I don't remember who they played
Or who won

It was Rich and Felicia
You and me
I begged you for a hat
To remember the day

I still have it
It's hanging in my closet
By the clasps in back

It's getting old
And *****
I don't let people touch it
Not very often at least

It's an awesome memory
And people don't unserstand
What the hat means to me

Do you remember Six Flags
It was you and I
Rich and Felicia

I remember the long lines
And constant jokes
I remember waiting for superman
Nearly dying of laughter
From your stupid jokes

I was afraid
Afraid of its height
But I got on
With the three of you

It was a lot of fun
Even though I kept my eyes closed
The rush of the wind in my hair
My voice was hoarse
After screaming most of the time

I remember getting squid hats
Making funny faces for the camera
I remember getting to the front of that line

The raging bull
A large roller coaster
That I lost my nerve on
I felt bad because you wouldn't ride without me
But my fear overruled

Do you remember the sushi bar
Where I had sushi for the first time
It was an old place
And an odd experience
But one I don't regret

It felt strange
On my tounge and throat
But I enjoyed it

Learning about a different culture
From you
Something that stays between us
Something no one else can intrude on

So many memories I have
Of you and I
We don't talk much
Since I'm always busy

Sorry I'm not around much
Even though I'd like to be
Sometimes I feel out of place

But you still include me
With the family
In your life
Letting me know
That I'm welcome at any point

I love you dad
Even if I don't say it
You're stuck with me
Forever and eternity
Good memories are always there
With just you and me
Stuff I wont forget
Stuff I'll remember until I die

So here's a few
Of the things
That comes to mind
When I think of you

Happy Father's Day dad
I love you

I'm told I need to forgive you
For everything

For all the things done
For all the things said
For all the things you became
For all the things we became

I'm told I need to forgive you
For the monster you were
For the control you forced

I'm told I need to forgive you
Because it's only going to **** me

The anger
The hurt

I get it
I really do
But I don't know
How forgiving you
Will fix that

But then again
I know they are right
I know that
If I forgive you
It will stop killing me

I was told that
Holding this grudge
Is like drinking poison
Hoping it will **** you

And I know
Inside
It's true

Killing myself
No matter how slowly
Isn't going to hurt you

It just gives you more control
It just brings me more pain

I was told I need to forgive you
In order to move on

And I know its true
For both me and you
But

It's hard to forgive you
And it's impossible to undo
What was done by you

But I'm trying
Trying to forgive you
Forgive your monster
And forget your name

Forget your name
That brings back all the pain
That brings the self hate

But that's why I've got to forgive you right?
So maybe
One day
It won't hurt
When I hear your name

I was told I need to forgive you
For the monster you became
For all the pain

I was told I need to forgive you
Before I can forgive *me

I blame you
Even though you're not here

I can't think
Or focus
Or anything

And I blame you

I'm not mad
Just slightly inconvenienced
Because I'm trying to do my work
But you're invading my mind

I want to cuddle
And kiss you
And hug you
And tell you 'I love you'

But I can't

Because you're not here

Quite frankly
I don't understand
How you're such a distraction
When you're not even around

You're a simple distraction
That drives me insane
Bit by bit

I'm sitting here
Trying to do school work
Even though my tummy
Is dancing with a million butterflies
And my train of thought has derailed

I never thought this would happen
Not again
But there you are
And here I am
Completely intertwined

You have such an effect on me
And I don't think you even understand
How much of a distraction you really are

I wonder
Am I a simple distraction
To you?

Billions of people
Billions of problems

But it only takes one
One smile
One laugh
One "hello"
One "it's going to be okay"

It takes one person
One life
To affect thousands

It takes you

You have the power
To save a life
Or take a life

Your words
Your actions
Might mean nothing to you
But they could mean the world
To somebody else

Use your 'power'
To those in need
Show the love you have

Be a rebel
In our society
Reaching out in kindness
Is rare

So be a rebel
Be kind
And remember
You have the power
To save lives
The question is:

*WILL YOU TAKE IT?

A light after dark
Smiles all around
Music pulsing through speakers
Into my veins
A new hat sitting on my head
A souvenir
A marker in time
The snake wrapped itself in my arms
Whispering sweet nothings into my ear
I laughed and scrunched my nose
Click
Moment captured
Forever remembered in time
Good times
Good music
A family reunited
A light after dark

I scratch and claw at my skin
Trying to tear away the thin material
That hides my muscles, bones, and sins

I hold my throat
Hoping for the possibility to crush it
Hoping to stop the air flow

I cover my ears
Trying to muffle the echoing whispers
That cloud my brain

I sit alone in my room
Unworthy to be with people
But also dangerous to myself

I don't eat much
Because my body tries to reject it
Even though it needs it

I want to sleep
All day and all night
For days, months, years at a time
Just to keep the monsters in

Self-degrading myself
With so much power and force
That it seems impossible to be a lie

I don't deserve what I have
I don't deserve to be happy
I don't deserve any of it

But I have it
It's within my grasp
But it feels like a lie
As if it's sand that will slip through my fingers
The moment I have a hold of it

So I wait
I sit in this position
In which I am in pain
Because I don't know anything else

I long to shatter every mirror
I long to tear up my skin
I long to crush my vocal cords and stop the air flow
I long to be recognized as the monster I am
And be rejected by those close to me
So I can't ever hurt them again

But in reality
That won't happen
I won't break every mirror
I won't damage my skin
I won't destroy my airways
I won't be told I'm a monster
And no one will reject me

Because they can't see me
Through my eyes
They can't hear my thoughts
Or see the things behind my eyelids
So they don't know the truth of me

So I have to take it into my own hands
And continue to self-degrade myself
Since no one else will
Because they don't see me
Like I see me

I hate what I see
And disagree with what they say
Because they don't know
What lies just underneath
The thin fabric you call skin
They don't know about my alter ego

My **monster

We're all corrupt inside
No matter how much we try to deny
What if you and I
Had monsters to hide?
Secrets to keep
And people to please
Just keep in mind
We're all corrupt inside
We all have something to hide

I'm not afraid
Of you

I'm not afraid
To be me

I'm not afraid
To tell you the truth

I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid

.....

I'm terrified
Of you

I'm terrified
To be me

I'm terrified
To tell you the truth

I'm not afraid
I'm terrified

**OF YOU

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've never met anyone
Quite like you

You warm my heart
When you say my name
Make me smile
As you hold my frame

You're different than the rest
And I'm not sure why
But I love you nonetheless
And that's no lie

My skin sparks with electricity
Every single time you touch me
My stomach dances with butterflies
As you kiss my neck and nibble my ear

I love you immensely
More than you know
I won't let you go
Until you say no

I want you to know
No matter how much I show
I love you so much
And the last thing I want
Is to hurt you

Late night talks
And all day conversations
Nonstop words
About nothing and everything

I wish I could be with you
All the time
But I don't want to smother you

I love the attention
I have gotten from you
I love everything about you
And everything you do

You always make me smile
You always make me laugh
You help me forget about my past
And remind me that's not who I am

I've said it once
And I'll say it again
You're perfect to me
And you always will be

I'm so happy with you
That I smile at any thought of you

Your shaggy brown hair
And bright blue eyes
Your adorable laugh
And beautiful smile

The image of you
Is always in my mind
Making me smile
And have butterflies

I can picture us
Dancing around the house
To the music of our hearts

I can picture early morning breakfast
And quiet night time lullabies
Cuddles in bed
And kisses galore

There's so much I'm missing
That has yet to happen
All because my mind likes to wonder

I love you baby bear
No matter what you do
Because no matter what
I'll be there for you

I can't describe exactly
What you mean to me
Because I don't have the right words

I find it amazing
On where we are today
Because it feels like just yesterday
I was telling you to behave

I tried to push you away
And ignore the feelings I had for you
Just because I was afraid
Of what you would do
If you knew
The real me

But you wrapped me in your arms
And said you don't care
Let me cry on your shoulder
And told me you'd be there

In a way
My love
You saved me from me
Because you know
The route I was on

You have loved me
Even when I hated myself
Because you saw something
That I have yet to entirely see

Whatever it is
I'm glad you've stayed
Because I'm starting to seeing myself
As everyone sees me

And to me it's incredible
Because I had known you
But didn't really know you
Not until I reached out to you

I heard you cry out
As you typed the words on the screen
So I reached out
Because that's just me

So now here we are
Closer than ever
Because I was willing
To be a good friend
When you were in need

And to be completely honest
It was the best thing I've ever done
Because I met you
And finally saw the real you

And I love it
I love your heart
I love your scars
I love every single thing
So basically

*I love you

I saw you cry yesterday
You sat on the floor
With your head down low
Your eyes grew glossy
And I didn't know
What to do

I whispered your name
And held your cheek
I kissed your lips
And said I love you

And you cried
First one tear fell
Then a second
Then a third
And my heart sank
With every drop of water

I held your face in my hands
And sat with you
And told you I loved you
And kissed your cheeks and lips

You told me nothing was wrong
As you stared at the ground
And rubbed your tired eyes

I was afraid
I was afraid it was then end
I was afraid I'd done something
I was afraid

My heart hurt
Because you wouldn't talk to me
You wouldn't tell me what was wrong
You just sat there
Staring at your hands
Or the ground
Or the table
Repeating the same lie I've told you a million times

"I'm fine."

So I sat there
With tears in my eyes
And a shaky breath in my lungs
Standing strong for you
Because you've done it for me

Then, you told me
You told me why you were so hurt
What caused your tears
And what caused your fears

You told me you were afraid
You told me you felt like
You couldn't do anything to help me
Most of the time
And I just stared at you
And I couldn't stop my jaw from dropping

I've told you once
And I'll tell you a billion times

You are my safe space
You are my happy place
You are home

When I'm numb
You make my heart beat

When I cry
You hold me close

When I'm anxious
You talk me through it

You're my rock
My shelter
My best friend
My love

You mean everything to me
Everything

Please don't doubt me when I say
That you're my safe space
That you're my safe haven

I love you
So so much

When we danced together
It was just the two of us
There was no one else

I sang to you
Every single word
With everything in my heart
Coming out into words

I mean everything
Every single I love you
Every single kiss
Every tight embrace

When I look into your eyes
I can't even explain what I feel
What I think

I can only tell you what I know

I know that I love you
That you give me butterflies
That my heart stops
And speeds up all at the same time

Don't doubt it
Don't ever ever doubt it

Don't doubt me

Trust me
Because I love you

Who knew
That we'd be this close
I never intended it to be like this

After the last one
I promised to never date
Until after school
But then you came along

We had been friends
Because you needed someone
To lean on
In your darkest hour
So there I was

Now here we are

It's almost been three months
Since we started dating
Wow
Seems so much longer

You asked me out
And I panicked at first
So I backed away
And broke your heart

But then
I saw you laugh
And joke

Then you shut down
Shut off your emotions
And I don't know what happened to me

I panicked
And chased after you
As you walked out of the classroom

I called your name
Right before I crashed my lips
Into yours

You froze for a moment
Unsure what I was doing
To be honest
I didn't know what I was doing either
I just let my emotions take over
And it was one of the best decisions
I'd ever done

Now here we are

And I'm trying so hard
To figure out what's so different
About you
Compared to them

I want to shout it to the world
And tell everyone
That you're mine

I want you to meet my family
I want you to meet the people I'm closest with

I feel like we
You and I
Are going to last a while

I feel like
There is an actual possibility
Of us moving in together
Not just a dream

Which is so different
Compared to the last few
I wanted to hide them
I didn't want my family to meet them
I didn't want any of that

But then there is you

What makes you so different?

I guess it doesn't matter
Because either way
I love you
And I hope one day
You can meet my family
And that you stick around
For at least a little while longer