I always thought
The tiny little creatures
That we call hamsters
Were adorable
When they run on the tiny wheel

That is
Until I realized that
I'm the hamster
Running, running, running
But going nowhere

My anxiety propels me
To run, run, run
My instinct is to run away
But, just like the small creature
It just loops around me

I push it away
And it gets worse
And it just snowballs
Growing bigger

And bigger

And BIGGER

Then I'm stuck
Spinning so fast
On this hamster wheel
Round and round and round

I'm going faster than the speed of light
And I can't process things
But I brought this upon myself
By thinking, I could run away in the first place

Stupid
Stupid
Stupid
Stupid

I am so stupid
I have a mental illness
And it's not going away
No matter where I run

It's like a small child
Clinging to my leg for dear life
No matter what I do
That **** thing is with me

I can tell
That people are getting sick of me
I feel it
A feeling I'm all too familiar with
This is the feeling
That tells me to prepare for the storm
Because they are getting ready to leave

Just like a hamster
It's cute at first
But the squeaky wheel
Slowly drives one insane
And it's not so cute anymore

At first
People pitied me
As they tried to help me
But I continue
To use my anxiety
As a reason for my dysfunction
And it's driving everyone insane

At this point
I want to shut down
Stick a knife in my temple
And **** my brain
So I can think
But I won't
Because I have WAY too much to live for

So my next best option
Is to shut people out
And get the **** done

Alone

Because that's what I'm best at

It was stupid to ask for help
In a war against myself
That no one else sees
Because that's what pushes people away

They see me
For the monster I actually am
With my constant anxiety
And horrible depression
And they get overwhelmed
And leave

So the best thing I can do
Is lock this up
Put on a happy face
And pretend nothing is wrong
Lik I've done for almost 17 years now

I can't lose more people
I just can't handle the heartbreak
And I'm afraid
That my catastrophic brain
Will slowly destroy
The relationships I've worked so hard to build

So here I go
Just gotta hold my breath
Smile
Hold my head up high
And pretend I'm okay
Because that's the only way
To fight this impossible war

Fake it until you make it

*Right?

Thank you
So much
You *******

Who do you think you are?
How dare you
Remind me of my insanity?

Do you hear the whispers
Of a thousand different demons?
Do you feel the collar choking your neck?
Does your head spin?
Does your body feel weak?

How dare you
Lecture me for my anxiety
When I know
That I need to change

I'm working at my pace
Not yours
Because it's not your problem

Yes
I get your concern
Especially considering I don't leave my room
But who do you think you are?

Reminding me
That I'm ******* insane
That I'm not normal
Just pushes me closer to the edge

I. *******. Know.

I know I need to change
I know I need to get out
I know I need to talk to people

I already know
So lecturing me
Doesn't help anyone

I have built a shell
To protect myself from the world
And yelling at me
To get out of this shell
Just makes me cower further inside

Are you the one
Who had a panic attack
From ordering lunch?
Are you the one
Who is constantly paranoid
That no one loves you?
That you don't matter?
That everything around you is a lie?

I didn't think so

So who are you
To tell me it's all in my head?
To tell me it's my choice?
You might as well tell me to get over it
To **** it up and move on

Would you say that to me
If my leg was broken
And it caused me pain?

No
You would tell me
To sit down and relax
Even if it's just for a few minutes

My mind
Is broken
Into a thousand different pieces
And I'm trying
So. ****. Hard.
To put it back together
But your words
Shatter what little progress I have made

So you, sir
Can **** right off
And leave me alone
Because this is my war
Not yours

You have no right
To say a **** thing
Especially considering
You've never been cursed
With a mental illness

Now don't get me wrong
I'm not looking for pity
I just hate when you push me

But most of all
I hate this
With a passion
I don't want to be insane
But it's the hand I was dealt
And I'm working with what I got

I don't know
Why my anxiety has gotten so bad
It's a mystery to even me
But until you walk a mile
In my shoes
You have no right to say anything

No
*******
Right

These four walls
Are they my safe haven
Or my prison?

My heart keeps me locked in here
As if I was a prisoner

Only a year and a half
Until I have to grow up
And I'm afraid

The decisions I have to make
Seem to tower over me
Like unstable skyscrapers
As if they will collapse on me at any moment
And crush me

How am I supposed to go to college
And get a job
If I can't seem to leave my room

It's hard
To be even around my parents
I can't handle people
I pretend
But as the days pass
I'm ****** deeper and deeper
Into the pit of my thoughts

I can't think
I can't function
So I'm forced into
A child like state of mind

I can't handle my reality
So I distract myself
With YouTube videos
And stories
And music

So you tell me
Is this room
My safe haven
Or my prison?

I can't leave
But I can't stay
So I'm stuck
In a state of motionless motion
Where I'm going, going, going
But not moving at all

I couldn't sleep last night
Because of this realization
That I'm going nowhere
That my time is running out

I have found
That no matter what I do
I feel trapped
With an invisible collar wrapped too tightly around my neck
And multiple chains attached to my body

So here I am
In my bedroom
Afraid of the world
Afraid of the future
Afraid of the past
Afraid of people
Afraid of growing up

I'm afraid of everything

I find it quite pathetic
That my anxiety has gotten this bad
But no matter what people say
No matter what I know logically

It doesn't matter
Because I'm stuck

I'm paralyzed with fear
And I can't pull myself out of it
No matter what I try to do

I tell myself
That I can do it
I can win
I'm strong
I'm a warrior in the battle
That takes place in my head

But they all
Sound like bittersweet lies
Sound like false hope
Even when I hear it from others
It just sounds so......

Fake

I just wish this Hell would end
And I could escape this prison
That I call my safe haven
Because I don't want to be locked up
In this room
For the rest of my life
By the fears of my heart

I honestly wish
I could explain
What you mean to me
And what you do

You are a life saver
A miracle, you could say
You held me at my worst
And wiped away my tears

You listened to me
And did whatever you could
To make me smile

I was on edge
And wanted to jump
But you held my hand
And pulled me back
Then held me against your chest so tight
As if I'd disappear otherwise

You convinced me
To stop the self-harm
Because you knew
My need for other's safety
Was a larger priority to me
Then my health

You told
Whatever I did to myself
You'd do it
To your body
Because you knew
I didn't want that

Whenever I panicked
You held my hands
That way I couldn't fall into old habits
Of tearing my skin apart

You make me smile
And pull me out of my self-hate
And depression
Faster than anyone else

I've never met anyone quite like you
Because even though
You're just as broken as me
You love me anyways
And we are fixing each other
At the same time
Without even trying

You mean more to me
Then I think you realize
Because no matter what I say
It isn't even close to what I actually feel

You smile at me
And I can't stop the smile
That forms on my lips

Whenever you kiss my temple
Or forehead
I get butterflies

Whenever you hug me
Or hold me against your chest
I feel like nothing could hurt me
As if it's the safest place in the world

When you "pick on" me
I can't help but laugh
And smile
And do it back

Whenever I act like a kid
You have this cute little smile
That is reserved for me
Because you think I'm being cute

Even though we aren't together
All the time
You take care of me

You make sure I eat
And take my medicine
You make sure I get sleep
And get my school work done

You're the first thought I have in the morning
And last thought before I go to bed

You're the reason I smile
And the reason I laugh

You help me be
A better person than I was
You don't baby me
Or feel the need to shelter me

You protect me
But see me as an equal

You pulled me out of the dark
And showed me the light
That I have inside
And showed me what everyone else sees
Which is something no one has been able to do before

I believe God gave me you
For a specific reason
And I believe it's because
We build each other up
And make each other better people

And to think
This all happened
Because you needed a friend
While you were hurting
And I reached out
And now here we are

And I'm hopelessly
In love with you
And I'm falling harder every day

And I'm really glad that you're there to catch me

Click
We have a problem, over

Silence

What is it, over

Silence

Click
We're about to hit a Major **** Storm

Silence

I wait for a response
As silence echoes through my head
And all around the room I'm in

Click
Hello? Over

More silence

You're on your own, over.

I drop the radio in shock
Realization hitting me like a ton of bricks
I stare ahead of me
Jaw dropped
Eyes wide

It approaches me with such force
And speed
It almost feels like I'm running at it
Even though I know I'm staying in one place

The dark clouds
Are a dark purplish gray
With sparks of electricity
Weaving through it
And lashing out at nearby things

I can see the metaphorical storm brewing
As if it were dark clouds with thunder and lightning
And I watch in horror

Part of me wishes it was a real storm
Because with real storms
You know what to do

But I have *no idea what to do
**** is about to get real
It's about to get ugly

I'm preparing myself for everything
That will hit me
In the next two hours
But I have a feeling
That no matter what I do
I'm not going to be ready

Why am I so afraid?
Why am I so scared,
Of a metaphorical storm?

I guess because
In a way
The storm is real
People just can't see it like me
Or maybe they can
I'm not sure

I feel like I'm going to *****
Or have an anxiety attack
Or maybe even both

Because my heart is either pounding too fast
Or not at all
And my stomach
Is twisting in so many ways
That I'm not sure was even possible

The countdown to Hell begins
So wish me luck
As I face the **** Storm
That comes at me with such force

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've never met anyone
Quite like you

You warm my heart
When you say my name
Make me smile
As you hold my frame

You're different than the rest
And I'm not sure why
But I love you nonetheless
And that's no lie

My skin sparks with electricity
Every single time you touch me
My stomach dances with butterflies
As you kiss my neck and nibble my ear

I love you immensely
More than you know
I won't let you go
Until you say no

I want you to know
No matter how much I show
I love you so much
And the last thing I want
Is to hurt you

Late night talks
And all day conversations
Nonstop words
About nothing and everything

I wish I could be with you
All the time
But I don't want to smother you

I love the attention
I have gotten from you
I love everything about you
And everything you do

You always make me smile
You always make me laugh
You help me forget about my past
And remind me that's not who I am

I've said it once
And I'll say it again
You're perfect to me
And you always will be

I'm so happy with you
That I smile at any thought of you

Your shaggy brown hair
And bright blue eyes
Your adorable laugh
And beautiful smile

The image of you
Is always in my mind
Making me smile
And have butterflies

I can picture us
Dancing around the house
To the music of our hearts

I can picture early morning breakfast
And quiet night time lullabies
Cuddles in bed
And kisses galore

There's so much I'm missing
That has yet to happen
All because my mind likes to wonder

I love you baby bear
No matter what you do
Because no matter what
I'll be there for you

I can't describe exactly
What you mean to me
Because I don't have the right words

I find it amazing
On where we are today
Because it feels like just yesterday
I was telling you to behave

I tried to push you away
And ignore the feelings I had for you
Just because I was afraid
Of what you would do
If you knew
The real me

But you wrapped me in your arms
And said you don't care
Let me cry on your shoulder
And told me you'd be there

In a way
My love
You saved me from me
Because you know
The route I was on

You have loved me
Even when I hated myself
Because you saw something
That I have yet to entirely see

Whatever it is
I'm glad you've stayed
Because I'm starting to seeing myself
As everyone sees me

And to me it's incredible
Because I had known you
But didn't really know you
Not until I reached out to you

I heard you cry out
As you typed the words on the screen
So I reached out
Because that's just me

So now here we are
Closer than ever
Because I was willing
To be a good friend
When you were in need

And to be completely honest
It was the best thing I've ever done
Because I met you
And finally saw the real you

And I love it
I love your heart
I love your scars
I love every single thing
So basically

*I love you

Congradu-*******-lations
You broke my heart again

I saw you once
My heart skipped twice
And I had to rethink three times

I saw you and smiled
Forgot for a moment
A split second in time
How cruel and unkind you are

Your hair was shaggy
Your shirt was baggy
And I almost looked in your eyes

But then I remembered
How pathetic you are

You're so strong
You're so powerful
But that's physically

Mentally...
Not so much

You're like a small child
Who wines and cries
And throws tantrums every day

I wonder why I stayed with you
For four ******* years
Because lets be real

You didn't deserve me

Not to sound vain
But I've got to make this plain
I gave you my heart
And you broke it apart

I take back what I said earlier though
Because you can't break something
You don't have

And you
My friend
Don't have my heart

I gave it away
And my love is here to stay
So you can't hurt me no more

But I'll admit
I hate what we did
But I'd never take it back

I learned from you
I was taught some very important lessons
Lessons that will stick with me
For the rest of my life

They hurt me
And sometimes feel like they ******* me
But in reality
They built me

I'm a good person
Even when I don't feel like it

I love people
I treat them with respect
I treat them
The way I expect them to treat me

So I made a vow
They day my eyes were open
To never
EVER
Be like you

And though sometimes
My words don't ring true
I am doing so much better
Without you

So because of you
I know what to do
I know how to read the signs

I know how to act
And where to draw the line
I know when to say okay
And when to say no way

So when I saw you today
For a moment
A split second in time
I saw you as the guy
That I use to call mine

But then I blinked
And had to rethink
And remembered the monster you hide

Though I remember
Things I wish I could forget
I know deep inside
That I'll be alright

Because I'm not afraid of monsters anymore
I've grown up
And seen the light in people
That you made me believe wasn't there

I'd think I was okay
Then I'd see you
And my body would just shut down

Now I see you
And a smirk plays on my lips
As it's you who looks to the ground

So I'm all right
You can't burn out my light
Because lets be real

You can't take
And break
My heart anymore
Because you have no control

How did you see me?
     Why did you choose me?
        What made me different than everyone else?

   Did you think I was some kind of *****?
     Some type of ****, who would play your games?
        Or did you find it fun to rip away my innocence?

   I remember some of the things you said
     I remember them word for word
       And I can't seem to forget them

   We had a fight that lasted an hour
      Because I wouldn't have *** with you
        You told me you deserved it
           You told me to be a lesbian if I didn't want to further the relationship

    I told you no about something
      And then you wouldn't even touch me
        Because I didn't give you what you wanted
          You told me that you wanted a girlfriend who did what you wanted when you wanted
            And you were ****** because I didn't want to

   You used me
     You abused me
        You manipulated me
           And twisted my faith to fit your wants

    How do you see me now?
       Do you see a scared little girl?
          Who panics at the sight of you?
             Or do you see me as a strong woman?
                Who has the strength to fight?

   Did you ever really care for me?
     Or did you just care for what I'd do?

   Do you care about me now?
     Watching me grow and bloom without you?
        Do I cross your mind?
          Do you regret using me?
            Or would you do it again if you had the chance?

   Did you cry when I left you?
     Did you feel remorse for pushing me?
       Did you know that I wanted to **** myself over the pressure from you?
         Did you know I was afraid of you?
            Did you know I hated myself if I said no?
               Did you know I would've followed you anywhere because I was blinded from the attention you gave me?

   Did it ever occur to you that I was a human with emotions?
     Did you know you would damage me permanently?
       Did you know you would cause so many flashbacks that I would have trouble focusing?
         Did you know I would cry whenever I thought about you and everything you made me do?

   Do you know about these things that happen to me?
     Do you feel bad?
       Do you feel remorse?
         Do you hate yourself or are you proud?
           Do you look back at us and smile or cry?

   I hate you
    You took everything from me
       You took my innocence and purity
         You took my confidence and self-worth
            And the worst part of it all

    This happened over two years ago
      Two. ****. Years.
        But here I am
          Still hurt
            Still questioning you
              Still crying over the Hell you put me through and how blind I was

   I don't say this often
     But I hope you go to Hell
       Where you will burn for eternity

   I hope you die alone
     And no woman ever falls for your charm

    I want these things for you
      Because I hate you
        I hate you with a passion

   It's ironic really
     Especially considering I promised to marry you
       And run away to New York as soon as we turned 18
          And now I hate you
            And wish I had never met you

Sincerely,
  Your once nieve ex,
     Monica

What a sick game
A game of chess I can't seem to win
I'm a pawn
Being moved back and forth
But no matter where I go
It's a checkmate

I'm so close to the edge
I'm looking into the pit of depression
I know he's down there
He's always down there
Yet

Here I stand
On the edge
Even with the knowledge of his destruction

What a bittersweet mentality
Things are so sweet and peaceful
Then it suddenly tastes bitter in my mouth

My words turn into cement
Closing my throat
And suffocating me

So close to the edge
I can see over the pit
I can see the other side
But I'm afraid to jump
I'm afraid to go for it
Because of this bittersweet mentality

I'd get there
To the other side
And I'd be happy
But then I'd fall
Fall into the deepest, darkest pits of depression

So I stay on this side
Trying to find away across
Pacing back and forth
Like a pawn on a chess board
Trying to solve an endless puzzle

I feel like I'm about to fall
But I'm fighting
I feel like I'm going to lose
But I know I'm going to win

I won't let this bittersweet mentality
Rule my life anymore
I'll get through this
By myself
Or with the help of those around me

I will get through this

No thanks to my bittersweet mentality

I scratch and claw at my skin
Trying to tear away the thin material
That hides my muscles, bones, and sins

I hold my throat
Hoping for the possibility to crush it
Hoping to stop the air flow

I cover my ears
Trying to muffle the echoing whispers
That cloud my brain

I sit alone in my room
Unworthy to be with people
But also dangerous to myself

I don't eat much
Because my body tries to reject it
Even though it needs it

I want to sleep
All day and all night
For days, months, years at a time
Just to keep the monsters in

Self-degrading myself
With so much power and force
That it seems impossible to be a lie

I don't deserve what I have
I don't deserve to be happy
I don't deserve any of it

But I have it
It's within my grasp
But it feels like a lie
As if it's sand that will slip through my fingers
The moment I have a hold of it

So I wait
I sit in this position
In which I am in pain
Because I don't know anything else

I long to shatter every mirror
I long to tear up my skin
I long to crush my vocal cords and stop the air flow
I long to be recognized as the monster I am
And be rejected by those close to me
So I can't ever hurt them again

But in reality
That won't happen
I won't break every mirror
I won't damage my skin
I won't destroy my airways
I won't be told I'm a monster
And no one will reject me

Because they can't see me
Through my eyes
They can't hear my thoughts
Or see the things behind my eyelids
So they don't know the truth of me

So I have to take it into my own hands
And continue to self-degrade myself
Since no one else will
Because they don't see me
Like I see me

I hate what I see
And disagree with what they say
Because they don't know
What lies just underneath
The thin fabric you call skin
They don't know about my alter ego

My **monster

I never thought I'd be
Unstable

I never thought
I'd want to die

I never thought
The thought of cutting myself
Would be so appealing

How am I so
unstable?

I take all of these
pills
Just like I'm told

I talk to a counselor
But I still feel unwhole

It seems as if no matter what I do
I'm still unstable

My mind is in constant
panic

Thousands and thousands
Of whispers
Rush through my head

Everything up there
Has been painted black

So now I can't see
I can't hear
I can't do anything

Because I'm so
Unstable

My body moves
My body breaths
My heart pumps
My skin bleeds

But I'm....

I'm gone.....

I've disappeared

Never to be seen again

Because my mind...

*Is UNSTABLE

You sick *******
I can't believe I actually started to believe you
You played me like a fiddle
And made me the fool



I trusted you
I loved you
I thought we had you back
I thought you actually gave a ****

BUT I GUESS NOT

They gave you an inch
And you took a mile
Because you don't care
You don't care about me
You don't care about them

You just flat out DON'T CARE

I share everything with you
I tell you things
That I don't even tell my best friend

But you don't tell me anything
It's like I don't even know you
I don't think I ever did
I don't know what the truth is about you anymore

I can't believe I TRUSTED YOU

We live in under the same roof
But you aren't a part of this family
You pushed us away
Especially when we tried to help you
You don't love us anymore
Honestly, I don't think you ever did

What is the truth LITTLE BROTHER?

I wish I could hate you
I wish I could tell you to burn in Hell
I wish I could forget about you
I wish I could pretend you didn't exist
I wish I could act as if it doesn't hurt
I wish I could ignore you

But I CAN'T

Just because you don't care for me
Doesn't mean I don't care for you
No matter what you do to me, little brother
I will still love you
Even with a bruised and broken heart
That is all your fault

Envy

Lust

Anger

Greed

Joy

Hope

Sadness

Anxious

Happy

Emo­tions
What is the point of emotions?
Get attached
Get hurt
Be alone
Get hurt

Emotions are a poison
And a cure
All at the same time

You can't live with them
But you can't survive without them

My jealousy
My anxiety
My depression
My envy
My lust

They destroy me
They widdle away at me
Making me feel like a monster
Making me feel pathetic

My joy
My hope
My faith
My trust

They shine a light
In my darkness
But they only last for a fleeting moment
Before they begin
Their destruction

All of these emotions
Spin in my head
And my heart
Constantly
24/7
And I can't shut them out
I can't shut them up

They are voices in my head
That battle to be in the spotlight

They make me weak
They make me strong
They tear me down
They build me up

What's the point of emotions?
When they seem like bad luck

It feels like a cruel joke
As they spin
And spin
And spin
In my head

The worst of them all though
Isn't one I have said
For the worst of them all

Is *love

I'm a monster
   You're a saver

I'm ugly
   You're beautiful

I'm worthless
   You have a purpose

I'm broken
   You are loved

I'm unhelpable
   You're saved

I'm unloved
   Family and friends surround you

I'd be better off dead
    There is a grand plan for you

I have a plan for you, love
A grand scheme
That only I can see

I know you feel helpless
I know it seems like an unwinable war
But I died for you
I payed for you passage into a better place

Your world is broken
Destroyed
But I shed my blood
So my Father in Heaven
Can work through you
And save your broken world

You feel like your sinking
You feel alone
You feel unloved
And forsaken

But I am here

I am with you

I love you

I'm walking along beside you
Even if it doesn't feel like it
I feel your pain
I feel your suffering
I feel everything in you

I see what you face
Inside and out
The depression
The anxiety
I see and feel it all

I understand

My death on the cross
Terrified me
I begged for another way
Even though I knew
It was the will of my Father in Heaven

I will fight with you
I will fight for you
I will protect you
I will love you
And I have saved you
From the fires of Hell

I faced them
The scorching heat
Of the external flames
So you, my beloved, don't have to

Speak to me, child
Open up
Let me in
And I will love you

I will fill you with a peace
That you've never known
I will quench your thirst
With the living water

I am the Alpha and Omega
I am the Begining and the End
I have created the world
And everything in and on it

I know you don't feel it
But you have a purpose
There's a reason you're here

The enemy is strong
But I am stronger
You've read Revelations
And you know the outcome
Of the final war

There will be a New Jerusalem
Instead of a broken world
You have been saved
Washed in the blood of the lamb

You will not be thrown
Into the pits of Hell
You will not burn
And smell sulfur
And burning skin
For all of eternity

You will be saved from judgment
For you have the stamp of God
On your forehead
And you are untouchable

You are saved from the tribulation
And have been loved
And saved

I promised to be there
Through out the walk of life
I never promised it would be easy
Because Satan is the prince of the Earth
But I am the king of the universe

The devil will attack you
And as a disciple of mine
You have a target on your back
For he wants to shut you up
And for you to shut me out

But have faith
For I am here
And though he is strong
I am stronger

So give your pain
Give me your struggles
And through me
Washed in the blood of the lamb
You are saved from the Devil

Though he sounds true
Though he twists words
And tells lie after lie
Listen for my voice
In all of the chaos
For I am there

I have
I am
And I will always be with you

Sad all the time?
Here's a pill

Self contious about your weight?
Take a pill

Over anxious?
Pills all around

Slept too much?
A pill will help

Didn't sleep?
A pill will solve that

When will society
Get it through their thick skull
That pills won't solve everything

Sure they help
I'm not saying they don't
But they can't solve EVERYTHING

I'm severely depressed
I'm extremely anxious
All
The
****
Time

So they give me pills
Little pills
Big pills
Capsels
Tablets
Different shapes
Different colors

I still feel empty
I still feel hollow
No matter how many drugs
These doctors force feed me

I'm so accustomed to it
My body shuts down
If I miss a day's doseage
I'm so accustomed to it

I have to remind myself
Almost everyday
That all these pills
Aren't magic pills
They won't magically cure me
No matter how much I long for it

I started this path
2, almost 3, YEARS ago
Yet I'm still here
At the bottom of the pit
No hope
No faith

So many stupid pills
So much false hope
So much anger
And depression
And anxiety

They may help you
They may help him
And her

But they don't help me
I feel like I'm immune
Like my mental state
Built a wall so thick
That even drugs can't help me

Now when I say pills
And drugs
I don't mean illegal stuff
I don't mess with that
I mean the prescriptions
Doctors write to get paid

I follow the rules
All the directions
Everything
And my heart is still chained

I'm so sick of this
It feels like a game
Like a giant lie
That doctors tell me
So they can make money

"Take this and you'll feel better."

"That didn't work?
     Try this one."

"Lets up the dosage.
    And add this pill."

"Have three more pills
    on top of those two."

"Take all of these pills
     twice a day.
         With food."

"It's very important you take it."

Right
I have to take all your pills
So I can be 'normal'
So I can be happy
And fit into your broken society

It's such a twisted game
A joke so funny
I forgot to ******* laugh

**** your pills
***** your problem solving
You can't fix me
With all the worthless, expensive, pills

3 happy pills a day
Keeps the doctors all paid

Tears
So many painful tears
Tears shed late at night
When no one can see them

Quiet sobs
Echo into the black
Almost silent
To not wake the family
They cannot see my pain

My soul is empty
Evacuating my body with each exhale
As if there is no room
With the demons
That enter with each inhale

I force a smile
An empty and pretend smile
With broken laughter
And pretend light in my eyes

16 years of practice
I've gotten good at pretending
Outsiders never notice
The lifelessness in my eyes
Or the emptiness in my smile

I'm even starting to fool
The ones closest to me
The people who see me
Nearly every day

I could probably fool myself
Into thinking I was okay
If it wasn't for my heavy, broken heart
If it wasn't for my lifeless soul
And clouded mind
I could probably fool myself

How do people live like this?
I wouldn't really even call this living
It's going through the motions
Faking it until you make it

When will I find rest?
When does it get easy?
Because I'm questioning my strength
The strength everyone says I have
Even though
They can't feel my burdens
And my pain

Even connected with God
I feel all alone
In the war in my head
It seems unwinable
Impossible

I want to end it
The pain
The tears
The suffering

I pray to God
Almost every night
To just **** me
Let me die in my sleep
So I can escape the world
And finally be at peace

But I wake up
Every morning
Just as empty as the day before

Suicide isn't an option
Even though it is so tempting
So so tempting
But if God won't **** me
There must be a reason

But I don't see one
I'm a monster
I'm destruction
I'm chaos

I love my family
So I fight for them
Even if I feel abandoned
And rejected
And alone
Because when I love
I love with my everything
And I almost never stop

So I cry myself to sleep
As an attempt to ease the pain
I quietly sob into my pillow
Praying for an escape
That I know won't come

Don't mourn for me
My body may be empty
But my soul is free

Free from pain
And struggle

Free from rejection
And abandonment

Free from the weight of the world
And high expectations

I'm soaring with the eagles
And swimming with the whales

I'm finally happy
And at peace

Something I've longed for my entier life
But never found

I wasn't as strong
As you say I was
Because there I lay
Cold and lifeless

Do you believe me now?
I was on a fishing line
Hanging on by a thread
On the edge

I told you
So many times
And I know you heard me
But there was nothing to do
But sit and wait

Well, I was sick of waiting
And playing games
Sick of medications
That gave me false hope

I couldn't do it
My emotional state
Died a long time ago
And my physical state
Was that of a machine
Going through the motions

I couldn't love
Or help
Or forgive

I couldn't feel

So please don't mourn for me
My body may be empty
But my soul is free

Normality
Sanity
Hopeful
And comfortable

Things I've searched for
My entire life
Things I cannot seem to find

I've moved
Been abused
Been bullied
Been neglected
Been heartbroken
Been forgotten
Been rejected

There is no normality in my life
No steadiness
No plan

I've been hospitalized
Take medications
Been suicidal
Almost self harmed
Been so anxious, I get sick
Been so depressed I can't move

I have no sanity
Never really have
I've longed for it
Just so I could fit in

I've been crushed
Been promised something but never received it
Been lied to
Been left out
Been alone

I've lost hope
In the people around me
Lost trust
And faith

I've been depressed
Been alone
Been rejected
Been abused
Been forced to do things

I've never been comfortable
I always get curveballs
It seems nothing goes right
Ever

Normality
Sanity
Hopeful
And comfortable

Things I've searched for
My entire life
Things I cannot seem to find

I'm happy today
I'm excited
I'm antsy
I'm looking forward to the future

But I'm also afraid
Nervous
Cautious

But my fears are hidden
You can't see them
Because I have a front
So indestructible
That sometimes
I even believe it

Today is filled
With false security
Because one word
Movement
Action
Could tear me apart

But I feel happy
I feel good

Is it a lie?
Am I really okay today?
Or is it a convincing front
that even I believe?

Is this false security?
I feel pretty today
When every other day I know I'm not
I feel like dancing today
When every other day I can't move
I feel like screaming out of joy
When every other day I can hardly speak

Is this real?
Or false security?
Why am I so afraid....

To be happy?

If I look pretty
They won't see the demons I hide

If I smile
They won't see the death in my eyes

If I laugh
They won't hear me cry out

If I act this way
They won't know I died last summer

I'll look alive
But in reality
I'm a walking, talking, corpse

I'm rotting from the inside
Im truly dying
I'm done fighting

I'm good at pretending
Pretending I'm strong
Pretending I'm happy
Pretending I'm fine
Pretending I matter

But in reality
None of its true
Because I died last summer
When my demons took over

So now I'm a corpse
Among the living
A zombie
A machine
Just going through the motions

The lights seem extra bright
Just like a spot light
As I stand alone
In the room

There are three of me
In one place
Moving in sync

But there is a forth presence
His hands trace up and down my arms
Sending chills down my spine

I turn to face him
But no one is there
Because I'm alone
Physically

He plays games in my mind
He's so real
I can feel him
Hear him
Almost see him

I stand alone
Completely exposed after trying a dress
The mirrors reflect me
Show me everything

His hands run over my body
Amplifying every flaw I have
Exposing my weaknesses

He destroys me
Tears me down
And leaves me for dead

I hold my breath
And bite my lip
To stop it from quivering
The tears can't come
Too many questions follow

Quickly I dress
But he still moves around me
In and out of my thoughts

He crushes the pillars of my mind
Slowly
Inflicting pain everywhere

He moves from me
To my boyfriend
Tearing at me

Telling me he doesn't love me
I'm too ugly
I'm fat
I'm pathetic

I can't block him out
Block out his sound
His voice
His words

They sound so real
So true
Sometimes I can't help but believe them

From the first kiss
And awkward embrace
To the last meaningful goodbye

You've stayed by my side
And loved me throughout
Even when I put you through Hell

I've pushed you away
And pulled you too close

I've been jealous
And angry
Bitter
And selfish

Yet you love me
Yet you care for me
You listen
And comfort me

You're my rock
You're my shelter
You're the breath in my lungs

You make me a better person
And a better Christian

You help me be sane
And see through the self hate
You love me
When I can't love myself

You accept me for me
All my hurt
And scars
And broken tendencies

You call me beautiful
Gorgeous
And ****

You build me up
When I tear myself down
You tell me you love me
When I'm nearly gone

What I'm trying to say is
You're my whole world
My love
My life

I love you baby
And I can't say it enough
Happy Anniversary

Time is the enemy
It's going to fast
The minutes rush past
And slip through my fingers

There is a suffocating silence
That surrounds us
We all know what's happening
But no one wants to say it
Because then it's true

I can't breath
I can't think
Tear after tear fall
I'm surprised I haven't run out

My heart is broken
And I can't fix it
Because she has half of it

Why did this happen
Why
Why
Why

So many questions
Not enough answers

Mama isn't going to make it
She's fought so hard
But she just couldn't win

I love you mama
Please don't go
Please stay here
With me

I took you for granted
All the moments I could have hugged you
Or kissed you
Or said I love you

I wish I could change it
I wish i could save you
I feel so helpless
So powerless
So...

Defeated

It wont be the same
Without you by my side
It won't be the same
With you holding half my heart

It's not fair
With the brain cancer
And kemo
How much you fought
It's not fair
That you still lost

I love you mama
I always will
You will forever hold
A place in my heart

Hope
What does that word even mean?
How am I supposed to have hope
In a world so broken
A world so
Hopeless

Pain
A word all too familiar
A word that is a part of me

Pain and hope
Cannot live side by side
They can not live together
In the same body

No matter how much I want to
Hope doesn't seem possible
Especially after being depressed
For almost two years straight

Maybe I am a hopeless case
Where pain always exists
And light is only a dream

Because this world is suffocating
With the standards
And sexualities
And expectations

I want to quit
I want to give up
I want to fall into nothingness

I don't want to live
I don't want to be in constant pain
I don't want to hardly breath

I don't know what to do
Because I hate this in between state
That I call life

I don't want to live
But I don't want to die
So where am I
What do you call this

How do I fix it
No amount of drugs seem to help
And I can't think straight
With these violent mood swings

I can't keep living like this
I can't keep fighting like this
It's exhausting
It's impossible

I'm lost
I'm broken
I'm hurting
I'm hopless
I'm pained

So what does hope mean?
How do I get it?
Does it even exist for me?
Does it exist at all.....?

You don't need a knife
Or a bat
Or a gun
To crush my heart

Your wicked smile
And maniacal laugh
Are enough to ******* me

How do you live
You heartless monster

You have a soul
Made of the coldest ice
There is nothing warm
About you Sir
It has all been frozen

You're like the Grinch
Rotten to the core
Except it's not just Christmas
It seems like everyday is a chore

You may be going down
All the way to Hell
But I'm not going down with you
Because I'm actually doing well

Happy
Sad
Manic
Depressed
Extatic
Suffocated

I'm on a thin line
Between it all
Walking on a fishing line
100 miles long

Some days it's easy
And I walk in a straight line
Other days I'm hanging by a finger
My feet and hands hurt
As it continually digs into my skin

I want to let go
I want to forget the pain
And fall into nothingness

But that's suicide

I've got people who love me
Screaming my name
With their arms wide open
On the other side of the line
They feel so close
Yet they are so far

Every time I get close
The line seems to grow
And almost every day
A new knot is in the line

It digs into my bare skin
Forcing me to cry out
But no one hears me
They're screaming too loud

I bleed and cry
But it's all in vain
Because I have to keep walking
On the thin, almost invisible, line

Every day is a battle
Every day I fight a war
Against myself
Against the world
Against the Devil
Against a lot of things

All while I walk on a fishing line

PTSD couldn't happen to me
It wasn't tramatic
You're being dramatic!

Flashbacks my ***
They're just haunting memories
That dance through my head
From time to time

Nightmares as clear as day
Please
I'm sure you're in dismay
But it's just a fiction
In my head

Aching heart
That's normal
A part of my life

Nauseas feeling
I must not have eaten enough with my medication

There he is
In a sea of noisy people
My heart is pounding
My palms are sweating
And my stomach is turned in knots

Shut up
You don't know what you're saying
Of course I'm not scared
I have nothing to be scared of

Why are my palms sweaty?
There are too many people
Why do I feel sick?
I'm really hungry

There is no possible way
I have what you say
For it wasn't tramatic
You just like to be dramatic

Your love
Is incomprehensible
Your sacrifice
Is massive
Especially
For a broken soul
Like mine

There you hung
In unimaginable pain
With spikes through your hands
And feet

Gravity pulled at you
Begging you to fall
Wanting you to collapse on the ground
But there you staid
With the muscles in your hands tearing
The bones grinding and crunching

You felt alone
As you hung there
With the bashing words
They spat at you

You could have come down
From the ******, hard cross
You didn't have to suffer
With blood in your eyes
And dried blood lacing your feet and hands

I imagine the wood was rough
Stabing you in the back and arms and legs
How did you do it

Only once did you cry out
Calling to your Father
Begging for our forgiveness

How could you do that
How did you not feel hate
Resentment
Anger
Towards the beings you were trying to save

What were you thinking
Did you feel all the sin
Of the imperfect human race
Of past, present, and future

Did you feel depression
Anger
Lust
Terror
Did the entire spectrum of human emotion run across your mind

Did you think of your mother
Or your father
Maybe you brothers and sisters
As you hung on the dried out tree

Did you think of the disciples
Of the one who sold you out
The one who disowned you
Did you feel anger towards them
Or pity

Did you want to scream out
Did you want to cry
Did the air in your lungs
Become forced
As your life slowed to a stop

When you died
Where did you go
Did you fall to Hell
To the hungry, firery flames

Did you continue to suffer
For me
For us
For the whole of humanity

What happened after death
When you were in the grips of Satan
Did he torture you
For three days

Where you finally relieved
When you rose from the dead
Or did you find annoyance instead
At the disbelief
Of mere humans

Did you lose your patience
Trying to help us
Understand your immaculate power

Were you upset
When you left the world
Especially knowing
How broken it is

Was it difficult to leave
When they all begged you to stay
When you knew of their pain
Of the trouble that lied ahead

It's uncomprehendable
To know what it was like
To understand why
You'd want to save humanity

Because humanity is destructive
Humanity is broken
Humanity is almost lost

Yet you choose to die for us
To save us
To protect us from the fires of Hell

I don't understand
Your desire to save us
To love us
To protect us

But thank you
Thank you for everything
Even if it doesn't make sense
And we don't deserve it
Thank you

Do you remember the jeep
Going for rides
With the top down
And music blarring

I sang at the top of my lungs
My hair blowing everywhere
Dancing in my seat
To Bonjovi
And Guns and Roses

We took the back roads
Absorbing the sunlight
I loved those moments
Bonding over music
That only you and I shared

Forgetting the rest of the world
Just you and me
No girlfriends
Or school
Or drama

Do you remember the White Sox game
My first baseball game
I don't remember who they played
Or who won

It was Rich and Felicia
You and me
I begged you for a hat
To remember the day

I still have it
It's hanging in my closet
By the clasps in back

It's getting old
And *****
I don't let people touch it
Not very often at least

It's an awesome memory
And people don't unserstand
What the hat means to me

Do you remember Six Flags
It was you and I
Rich and Felicia

I remember the long lines
And constant jokes
I remember waiting for superman
Nearly dying of laughter
From your stupid jokes

I was afraid
Afraid of its height
But I got on
With the three of you

It was a lot of fun
Even though I kept my eyes closed
The rush of the wind in my hair
My voice was hoarse
After screaming most of the time

I remember getting squid hats
Making funny faces for the camera
I remember getting to the front of that line

The raging bull
A large roller coaster
That I lost my nerve on
I felt bad because you wouldn't ride without me
But my fear overruled

Do you remember the sushi bar
Where I had sushi for the first time
It was an old place
And an odd experience
But one I don't regret

It felt strange
On my tounge and throat
But I enjoyed it

Learning about a different culture
From you
Something that stays between us
Something no one else can intrude on

So many memories I have
Of you and I
We don't talk much
Since I'm always busy

Sorry I'm not around much
Even though I'd like to be
Sometimes I feel out of place

But you still include me
With the family
In your life
Letting me know
That I'm welcome at any point

I love you dad
Even if I don't say it
You're stuck with me
Forever and eternity
Good memories are always there
With just you and me
Stuff I wont forget
Stuff I'll remember until I die

So here's a few
Of the things
That comes to mind
When I think of you

Happy Father's Day dad
I love you

You are my hero
My inspiration
My rock

Thirteen years ago
You took me in
As the daughter
You thought you'd never have

You are a gift from God
You stepped up
And filled in
When no one asked you to

You treat my mom
With the respect
And love
She deserves

Through the bumps
Brusises
Bleeding knees
And cut up elbows
You were the one I went to

You "played" Dr. Dad
And taught me to **** it up
And not panic
At a little blood

Through my mistakes
Tiny little ones
And life altering ones
You've been there for me
Holding me up
Even when I was wrong
You've loved me unconditionally

When I got hit
With depression
And bipolar
You kept me in line
Motivating me to push through
For you
For mom
And for Colin too

Even now, when my anxiety is too high
You hold me when I cry
And text me in the morning
Saying it will be alright
Everything will be fine

I may not always believe it
Or even want to accept it
Because let's face it
Sometimes we fight
And I don't like you
But I'll always love you

You are a dad to me
Even when you didn't have to be
You could have said no
And walked away
But I'm glad you didn't

Even Elliot's family
Is thankful for you
And the wonderful job you do
In raising me
And loving me
Showing me right from wrong
And being a perfectly imperfect dad

I love you daddy
Even though I don't say it often enough
I don't know where I'd be
Without a dad
As wonderful as you

Happy Father's Day

How do I express my affection,
For the person who loves me most?
Buy a ring?
Or a necklace
And flowers?

But what's the point of that?
Rings get lost
Necklaces forgotten
And flowers die

But what oh what,
Do I do for you?
Choclates?
A cheesy card?

Chocolates don't last
And cards are discarded
So they won't do
For the magnificent you

What do I do,
For someone as great as you?
You're one of my best friends
You care for me when I'm sick
And hold me when I cry

You laugh at my corny jokes
And random thoughts
You smile at my silliness
And sometimes play along

You listen to my stories
The good ones
And not so great ones

You sacrifice so much for me
It really ain't that fair
For me to act like
I don't even care

You've combed my hair
And picked my clothes
Washed my belly
And my toes

You've loved me
Since even before you had me
And worked so hard to care for me

You found a wonderful man
To help raise me
With you
And he's doing a really good job too

You are a wonderful person
And an even better mom
I wouldn't trade you for the world
You really are "da bomb"

You've made your mistakes
And I've made mine
But all through out time
You're my partner in crime

This poem is getting long
And I guess it will have to do
Even if it doesnt describe
The perfectly wonderful you

Happy Mother's Day mom
I hope you know
You really do mean the world to me
And that I really do love you

I woke up this morning
With a tightness in my heart
And a numbness in my soul

I can't think today
I can't feel today
I can't function today

I don't understand why
Why can't I think?
Why can't I function?
Why is today so bad?

This is the worst it's been
In a long time

I just want to sleep
Sleep until the pain passes
Sleep until the moon collapses
And the sun explodes

I want to cry
Cry enough to make a new ocean
Or flood the already existing ones

I don't want to talk today
I have nothing really to say
No hellos
No good-byes
Nothing

Mom said it scared her a little
Dad said everyone has bad days
But I don't know
If this is considered a bad day

I'm not cranky
I'm not angry
I'm not happy
Or sad

I'm just....

I guess you could say I'm just *numb

Snap out of it
You're fine
You have medication
Did you forget to take it?

What's wrong?
Why are you so sad?
What do you mean you don't know?

I have medicine
But that doesn't cure me
It's not a magic pill

Well you must not be trying hard enough
You must not want to get better*

What do you mean I don't want to get better?
You don't think I'm trying?
Do you think I enjoy living in my own personal Hell?

Do you understand,
What it's like to have depression?
Do you understand,
What it's like to be angry all the time,
For absolute no reason?

Picture this
You can't move
Your bones are made of lead

You want to shred you skin
Like paper in a paper shreder
Because you hate your apearence
Your skin crawls looking down at yourself
Or in the mirror

You want to rip out your vocal cords
Just to feel the pain
Just so you feel SOMETHING

You want to scream
And lash out
Throw chairs
Flip tables

You don't want to exist
But you don't want to die
So you're stuck in this in between space
Forever

So if you think
For even a second
That I enjoy this
You are sadly mistaken

I may be on medication
And it was a little over two years ago
that this all started
But everyday is an uphill battle

And little do you know
I fight it ALONE
I don't ask for your help
I don't ask for your pity
I don't ask for anything

Because I know what you're going to say

So I guess it doesn't matter anway

Sounds are so LOUD
Lights are so BRIGHT

All because of you
You've scared me
Beyond belief

I'm so stressed out
I can't seem to think straight
I have a headache now
Because of you

Do you know how miserable
Stress headaches are
They hurt the base of your skull
And a little of your neck

You don't like to move
Nor do you like to think
But sometimes life
Calls for you to do it anyways

I have assignments
And commitments
Things that matter to me
But you wouldn't know that
Because you never loved me

All I was
Was a toy to use
For whatever you choose
But now you see
Now that I'm free
I have people who actually care for me

So all you've done
In the 4 years I've known you
Is caused me pain
In so many ways

You say you didn't mean it
And I said I didn't care
But in reality
We ended up both being liars

I really did care
That you used me everyday
You really did mean it
You meant every hurtful thing you said

I try to remember
A good memory of us
So I don't forever see you as a monster

But in actuality
The true reality
Is that we never had a good memory

It's all tainted
In one way or another

The thought of you now
And the thought of us then
Make me want to hurl

I said you meant the world to me
That I'd go to the moon and back
And for the longest time
I meant it
And I thought you felt the same

But I guess not

Because here I am
Afraid of you
With my eyes opened wide
To see the true monster you hide

I saw that video
You posted for the world
And anyone who saw
You and me
Would see the stab
You made at me

It wasn't hateful
Just painful to see
That you think
I gave you the best memories

At first it was true
For me as well
But I can't say that now

It's hard to see
What you did to me
And see myself
As human

My skin crawls
Because of you
And all the things
You made me do

All my friends know
The sick, sick games
They say it wasn't me
But it was you

Instinct tells me
Own up to your mistake
So I always remind them
I had that choice to make

Sometimes I wish
I could escape this Hell
For you have set a trap
And ensnared me

My heart has barbed wire
Wrapped around and around
Everything having to do with you
Makes it tighter and tighter

Was this your desire
To bring me pain
To bring me sorrow

Was this your plan
To make me like you
A wolf in sheep's clothing
A monster in disguise

Because I don't want to be like you
I don't want this done
To anyone

So you may hurt me
Every day until I die
But you can't hurt my friends
My family
My love

I don't think you get it
The feeling of true terror

The stomach drop
The sharp knife
Going through your chest
And coming out of your back

True terror
Is something I've never felt before

Not until now

My mind filled with 'What if's'
What if he hurts my babe?
What if he hurts me?
What if he's out for revenge?
What if he tries to go after my friends?

My throat is tight
TRUE terror

What if
What if
What if

Who do I talk to?
Classmates understand
They warned my babe
Told him to watch out
Protect me

But I don't want that
I don't want him to do that
I don't want him to get hurt
Because of me
I could never forgive myself

What about everyone else
My squad
My friends
My family

They could get hurt
Because of me

But maybe he won't do anything
Maybe he won't be a threat
Maybe I'm over dramatic
Maybe I'm over reacting

I know that's what daddy would say
I know that's what mama would say
I know that's what little brother would say

Did I do something to cause this
Was there something I could have done
To prevent any of this
Or am I just being stupid

People say I'm innocent
That it's all on him
But I'm actually terrified
That I caused it to be my fault

It's been almost a ******* year
And a 5 minute video can hurt me
How can this happen

This ******* *****
This stupid 5 minute video
Brought me terror

True terror

Why is my heart tight
From a 7 letter word

A 7 letter word
From 2 years ago

My stomach is twisting
My head is spinning
I feel the self hate

Pathetic little girl
Letting the pain come back
A 7 letter word
Is all it took

So pathetic
To let it bring the hurt back

You're supposed to be better
To put it in a grave
And let it die instead of you

But here I am
Sharp pains of guilt
And shame

My body feels weak
Heavy like lead
From a simple 7 letter word

I can feel the numb return
I can feel the pain again

A trigger

A stupid 7 letter word
Is a trigger for me

It awakens the beast
And it reminds me
How close I always am
To falling back into the grips
Of the monster inside

No matter how drugged I am
With antidepressants
And mood stabilizers
That 7 letter word
Brings back the pain
The numb
The memories of 2 years ago

Memories of Roger's Memorial
Of the fear
Of the hate

They come rushing back
Because of a 7 letter word
That has affected so many

A 7 letter word
That once had no meaning to me
But now terrifies me

A 7 letter word
A simple 7 letter word

*Suicide

Hey
Hey you
Ya you
You with the pills

What are you doing?
Do you know what you're about to do?
You're about to end your life!
That doesn't just affect you
It affects everyone around you

It will make your mom cry
It will make your dad weak in the knees
It will make your brother question everything
It will make your sister afraid
Your best friend will cry
Over your loss

So please
For me
A random poet
Who has been there

Put down the pills
Put away the gun
Put down the knife
Put back the alcohol

Ya it ***** now
I'm not going to tell you it doesn't
But this is one small bump
In your entire life!

You've got so much ahead of you
I promise
It will get better
In some shape or form

I don't know
What pain your going through
But I do know suicide tonight
Isn't the solution for tomorrow

Because tomorrow might be
The best day of your life
But you'll never know
If you don't wait
And find out

Today I was in church
And we talked about suffering
The pain we all have
No one is exempt

Pastor had said
God sends us grace
Through people
And prayer
And trust
The Holy Spirit
And the bible

Accept the grace
You're not the same
You're better

Ignore the grace
You're not the same
You're bitter

Pastor told us to share our story
To share our suffering
So here I am
Broken and afraid
And here it is

My first boyfriend
Was mean
Verbally abusive
And extremely controlling

I lost my friends
And almost my family

I shut down slowly
Depression taking hold of me

With him
I dug a grave
With him
I wasn't me
But I let the relationship be

Daddy stepped in
And set me free
Of the poison
He used to control me

I finally saw him
For who he really was

I was angry at first
That God sent him to me
I was angry at first
That God didn't help me

But now I see
Why it was meant for me
I feel the pain
Of another's tough break up
I have a compassion
Different then before

So I give thanks to my God
Even if it ******
Because now I see
How it was meant for me