Things have changed
Instead of going to bed early
So that Santa will bring me presents
I'm up all night
Dwelling on the reasons why
If he was real
I would wake to find coal in my stocking
Seasons greetings I say
To my regrets of the past year
As they sit wrapped in pretty ribbons
Waiting to be put under the tree

People like me
We don't want pretty pictures
We crave the darkest parts of you
The lies you tell
The secrets you keep
All of the sinister thoughts in your head
Your personal form of self destruction is captivating to us
The way the light fades from your eyes
It's enticing

People like me
We won't hesitate to find your flaws
We'll point them out to you
And tell you that they don't matter
The thing you hate the most about yourself
It fascinate us
We'll seek it out and make it a part of us
Rejoice in it
Then make your hatred for it dissipate

People like me
We see beauty in everything
We'll find a rose in a field of ashes
Then pick it just to steal its essence from the world
We'll search for the most sacred elements  of who you are
Then we'll keep them for ourselves
Because deep down we are selfish
We don't want to share you
We want everyone to know that you are ours

People like me
We'll love you
So much so that it surrounds you
Encases you like a prison
But you won't want to escape
We'll love you in a way that feels like a gift
Something to cherish and show to the world
You'll be caught up in it
And you won't notice when it begins to fade

People like me
We're the reason for songs about lost love
Many a night has been spent
Drinking away our memory - or trying to
We are the one who got away
The best thing that ever happened you
The person you can't live without
Our memory will taste sweet
But eventually you'll reject the flavor

People like me
We'll leave you behind a veil of promises-
Promises that we just can't keep
We say that we will love you forever
Then we do it - from a place miles away in the middle of the night
We say that we will never leave you
Then we don't- for the feeling of us never fades
We say that we'll give you our hearts
Then we hand them to you- but they'll crumble to dust in your grasp

People like me
We are lonely
Every second of our lives is spent searching
Or waiting for the right time to leave
When that time has come
We smile and swear that it is for the best
Then cry tears that are dry before we walk away
We sweep up the pieces of ourselves that we gave to you
Then try to put them back together without the ones we missed

People like me
We will ruin you
Everything we do is so fresh- so innocent
We find joy in places where there is only sorrow
Worse yet we bring order to all of your chaos
We make the stars shine brighter for you
Then we steal ourselves back
Hide ourselves away in someone else and all of their messes
Till you can't love again because we were the first and no one compares

People like me
We destroy people like you
And we're so, so sorry

Externally we're a fortress
Built on a mountain conceived of pride
Fearlessly we shine when hit by the sun's ray
But our foundation is made of porcelain
Our walls of glass
We are breakable, dangerously so
Everyday we crumble a bit more
Under the weight of ourselves
The very matter we're made of
Slipping further from the mountaintop
Yet you would never know from the way we look at a distance
Stunning and unobtainable
It's only when you come closer
When you bother to step inside our walls
And hear to the crunch of your footsteps
In our darkest places where all you can do is listen
Can you begin to grasp just how fragile we really are
So do not let us deceive you into thinking you aren't allowed inside
For every fortress was created so that it's beauty could be admired
Inside and out

My heart has never
Been broken by a lover
Never have I been
Left wanting by someone
Who knew my absolute
Darkest or most intimate
Flaws
Moans
Secrets
Edges
I have never tasted
The bitter rejection or
Mind numbing heart
Break that seems
To be the focus of
Many a poem that
Was written during
A fit of
Loneliness in the dead
Of a long, long night
My heart breaks in
The most selfish of
Ways for those who
Have left me when
I begged them
Desperately to
Stay not for one more
Night of reckless
Love-making but
To live out the
Rest of the life that
They were offered but refused
So passionately
To take

Everything that I loved once has died
The people, the pets, the respect in other's eyes
Everything that I have created since will soon be gone
The people and the places will both have moved on
I am tired of rebuilding and sick with hopeless longing
I will have nothing if I am left only with my belongings
What will it look like when I have to start anew
Will I find the person who knows what I've been through
I fear he will slip through my fingers and fade like the rest
Of everything I have suffered that would be the greatest test
The only reason I am alive is love and the feeling of being needed
However life wants to take both of those and thus-far it has succeeded
Please hope for me

You're gone and I'm sick with it
Treacherously wounded
My hair is tied in a knot
My stomach is empty
My eyes are dry
But my cheeks are wet
I'm shaking
A cigarettes between my lips
Forehead against the steering wheel
I didn't deserve this
I never did anything to deserve this

*The Suicide Diaries