i let him read my poetry
as he flipped through the pages,
i hoped
he wouldn't recognize
the ones i wrote about him

i don't like myself
at all
i hate my body

i hate the was my stomach sticks out
when i sit
i hate the way my feminine structure looks
while wearing normal ****
i hate the way the skin
on my thighs sag
i hate the way i cover my body
with everything
anything i can find
because i'm not okay
i hate my body

there was a boy
who was nothing but ink
he would speak
and words would

f
            a
l
            l

out from his mouth
words that nobody wanted to hear
because he said too much
people don't want to know him
anymore

i'm breathing fast
i'm seeing the past
things i don't want to remember
hit me like a blast

anxiety rising
breath denying
i'm hearing their words
i feel like i'm dying

their words hit me like a stab
i crunch like a crab
that they stepped on
i feel a jab

words bleed out of my chest
as i remember what i don't want to
i'm not ready
wait... just let me

try
to
forget

i can't believe i trusted you
you were so awful
you treated me like ****
but i cared about you

i didn't want to be friends
i hated you
but at the same time
i wanted to be best friends

i won't let you manipulate me again
i'm not some... some marionette
for you to hold the strings
and control

i can't believe i believed in you
when all you told me were lies
now, honestly you're one of the reasons
i want to die

tubes in my veins
taking my blood
surrounded by doctors
asking me questions

no privacy
every door is open
nothing to support
my addictions

eyes everywhere
watching my every move
telling me
what i can & can't do

being forced to eat
when i can't.
"if you gain any more weight, they will just start bullying you again,",
the voices in my head say.

i want to get out
i'm scratching at the walls
slamming doors
screaming

this isn't helping
it's making me feel worse
i can't ******* eat
why can't they ******* understand?!

i just want to go home
i want to see my friends
i want to be in the school play again
i just want to go home

let me go home
this isn't helping
they make me feel ******* insane
...
what if i am?

hey everyone!! i would like to make it stated that i am not supposed to be writing this, yet here i am. i am currently in residential treatment. i am not going to go into details because there are some things i would rather to keep private. i have my school computer so i am able to write this, but i am technically breaking the rules because they haven't approved this website yet. that is why i havent been posting. i am still writing poetry though, so when i get out (which might be in a month, 2 or 3) i will post them all  :) thank you all for your support so far and i will be back :D

They say
Girls in glass houses
Shouldn't throw stones.
So how about they leave their house
And throw a boulder?
That's what I did

Don't let people mock you through glass...

Okay,
But why do we exist?
What is the purpose of this game?
Are we being controlled
By some invisible being?
Like strings on a marionette?
Or are we all alone in this universe
Words lost in the wind?
What if we aren't even real
And this is all just a dream?
What if this whole life
We all built
Friends,
Family,
Home,
(Poetry accounts),
Is just fake
A little thing
That we made up
And one day,
We will just wake up?
And not know what to do?
We lived the while thing
And now we have to start over?

I stand up.
I was there for a long time
This fake world

What if I was right?

The water warm
The sea creatures choking
On the weight of our mistakes

The air hot and humid
The birds falling,
Unable to go on.

The land littered with plastic
The animals tumbling
On the debri we've left behind

What has earth become?
A place of scars.
Not a place
That hasn't been hurt by us.
What have we done?

My stomach rumbles
Yet I simply can't eat
People stare
Stop watching
Eyes are everywhere
I cut my wrists
I swallow pills
I slice my throat
I wrap rope around my neck
I've escaped death
So many times
But unlike other people
That makes me ashamed
Whenever im on a Rollercoaster
I want to jump off.
Whenever I see a rope
I want to hang off of it
Whenever I take my meds
I want to take them all
But for some ******* reason
It never works
Why am I even here?
I have no reason to live
I have nothing to live for
I am useless
What do I even bring to this world?
I'm sorry to the little people that will miss me.
Even they will probably get over it.
But I survived
I survived
I survived
I'm alive
I'm alive
I'm alive
I don't want to be.

Too much happening
Running out of time
Bad poetry,
But it rhymes

I can’t keep this up
I feel stuck
I’m falling and falling
I hear the birds calling, calling
My horrid name

I sing but nobody hears
I act but nobody sees
I cry but nobody cares
So i continue to weep

I love but nobody cares
My sobs are lost on the air
I just wanted to be normal
Why can’t i just be ******* normal?!

My heart is beating fast
This breath will be my last
I can’t do this anymore
Blood drips to the floor.

I survived.

I can’t breathe
You aren’t there
But your words
still cover my mouth
And I wonder
Will you ever let go?

Memories
Are a hard thing to explain
So here is my attempt.
Imagine a desert.
Every person in the world has at least some memories.
Each memory is represented
By a grain of sand.
To some people, all they see is a little tiny grain
But to the owner
It might be a boulder
Or even a mountain
That they can’t get out of their sight.
No matter how hard they try
They can’t forget.
Stop telling people
To stop making mountains out of molehills
Because you would be traumatized too
If that same thing happened to you.
So friends,
That’s trauma.

I’m not fragile
I’ve just been broken
So many times before
That the glue is unable to hold.
I’m not fragile, am i?

I think I’m going crazy
The voices in my head are getting louder
Unable to think thoughts
Other than what will happen if i eat food
Because somewhere in my brain
Something is telling me
if you gain weight, you will just get bullied again.
You don’t want to go through that again, right?
Nothing but thoughts about food
Cutting
And pills.
To be frank,
The voices need to shut the **** up.

wake up
dread life
get out of bed
dread life
try to (and fail to) eat breakfast
dread life
go to school
dread life
try to eat lunch (and fail, obviously)
dread life
school play rehearsals
dread life
dance and sing on the sides
dread life
enjoy your unimportant role
dread life
mess up your lines
dread life
go home
dread life
argue with parents
dread life
tell them i don't want to go to a hospital
dread life
go cry
dread life
do homework
dread life
eat a couple bites of dinner
dread life
and go to bed
dread life
and repeat it all over again
the very next day.

i have to be smaller
i am too big
these people
their words keep repeating in my head
hahaha, she's so light!
ugh, why are you eating so much?
do you know how lucky you are to be light?
i
have
to
be
smaller

you said you would be there for me...
                                         but you never were
you said you would be my best friend forever...
                                         but you never were
you said you trusted me...
                                         but you never did
you said you would love me forever...
                                         but you never did
you said you would never hurt me
                                         but you did
you said you would never insult me
                                         but you did
and trust me
i would know
because the words you used
keep repeating in me head.

i miss you
but i hate you.
come on, i never said that.
but you did.
r_tard...
you arent one to be talking.
useless piece of sh-t
oh...
just shut up, nobody likes you.
...
i know.
i'll leave now.

"sei molto strano."
beh, grazie
Lo prendo come un complimento
io sono strano.

english:

"you are very strange."
well, thank you.
i take that as a compliment.
i am strange.

i don't understand
i just don't understand
why every single time
i cover it with a sleeve or cargo pants
and tell myself
"that was the last time, i'm going to stop doing this."
but its happened so many times
i know it's a lie

the cold air bites my cheeks and ears
                              but it's summer
the snow is freezing to my skin
                              but it's summer
i slip on the ice
                              but it's summer
the sun is nowhere to be seen
                              but it's summer
nobody is outside
                              but it's summer
i'm so cold
                              but it's summer
you left me to freeze in the snow
                              but it's summer
but...
it's summer

i hold my skin down
and scrape deep
i muffle my screams
into the pillow on which i sleep

the blood beads up
in an orderly line
then starts to drip
this will be the last time...

if you spend too much time inside your head
you will never get
to experience
the beauty of this world.
this world is right here
may as well use it

i think i look at you too often
not because you are pretty
(well, you are but that's besides the point)
but because i keep wondering
if you are even real
or just something
my brain made up
as a last hope
either way is okay
i love you anyways

midnight again,
i can't seem to sleep
the voices are getting louder
i am cutting more deep

i lay down
while the voices tell me to die
i'm so ******* useless
all i can do is cry

"why would you eat that?
the bullies will just come back again.
you ate one meal throughout the whole day
and now this is the world's end.".

i just want to be normal

i would take my own life
if i even had one

you left me.
                 but i loved you
i thought we would be friends forever.
                 but i loved you
you treated me like ****
                 but i loved you
i wanted to be your friend
                 but i loved you
i guess it was just pretend
                 but i loved you
but i love you
and even though you are awful
i can't seem to let go

it keeps happening
i have no idea why
i look up at the clock
time is ticking by

i have been clean for 23 seconds.
****
that's... that's not a lot.
that's like a whole *** body slam.

i look in the mirror
and try to find a way to hide
the scars and fresh cuts
to keep them out of sight

i don't want them to see
i know they'll just judge me
just like everyone else
leave me alone, please

i don't want to be like this anymore

sure,
but why did you care about me?
no one ever did before.
is this what it feels like
to feel okay?
because i don't recognize this feeling.
not at all.

well
i've been trying to be a good kid all my life
and believe me
it brought me no good
so mark my words.
nobody gives a crap.
do whatever you want
because there is so much more
than just good or bad

we are all wearing black
this is the day before i die
hold in your tears now,
please don't cry

i ask for one last dance
and you say 'yes'
so we hold hands and twirl around,
you look so pretty in your black dress

we dance for hours
until i run out of time
when i fall to the floor
look up, the stars are out; after all, it is nighttime

the stars mean nothing
when you aren't here.

don't cry
when i die.
crying over me
is just as useful
as crying over spilled milk.

if i was icarus
and the wax on my wings melted
i would have apologized to you
for splashing the ocean water on you

if you stabbed me
and i was dying
i would have apologized to you
for getting blood on your shirt

if we fought
and didn't make up
i would have apologized to you
for saying sorry

well,
i'm sorry.
sorry.

i still remember
             our playground
where we played together, at
              our playground
the place we loved,
               our playground
where we could be friends,
                our playground
without anybody watching,
                our playground
man... i sure do miss
               our playground
being friends

why do i keep looking for love
in places with none at all

sometimes,
late at night,
memories drizzle from our eyes
and roll down our cheeks.
unable to forget
no matter how much it hurts

Forget
Olvidar
Oublier
Vergessen
Dimenticare
Vergeten
Esquecer
Un­utmak
Zapomnieć
Glömma
Unohtaa
Glemme
Lupa
Pozabiti
Zaboraviti
El­felejteni
Uita
Pamiršti
Aizmirst
Glemme
Forglemme
Kuliwa
many languages later
And I still can’t forget

you remind me of so many things
fresh rain on gravel
flowers in the summer and spring
the stars at dawn
happiness
joy
love
because
they were all
gone too soon.
i miss you
i miss you so much

giving up on this life, eating less food i'm going on strike. i hold the knife, i want to take my life. the cuts on my wrists don't hurt no more, but they start to when my mom opens the door. i **** in my stomach so that nobody sees, leave me alone, please. my heart has stopped pumping, stopped thumping, blood is clumping and i can't do this anymore. losing hope, i don't want to cope, wash my mouth with soap because i told you way too much. my teeth are rotting, my vision is spotting, no bunny is hopping and the world just isn't the same anymore. i don't trust you after you pushed me to the floor. but every single time, i come begging, begging for more, knocking on your door, asking your mom if you can play. i'm no longer welcome with my friends, i can't seem to follow the trends. i'm giving up, tbh.

i want to forget
the awful things that you did
but they keep repeating
repeating
repeating
in my head
so every night
i lay awake
letting your words repeat
repeat
repeat
in my head
forever
until the day i die

haha
i really hope that's gonna come soon

now
i have to remember you
for longer
than i even knew you.
but i know you will forget me
just like everyone else did.

i just want things to go back to normal

the best i can do is try
the time is ticking by
i'm trying not to cry
this is making me want to die
i say i'm fine but i know it's a lie
i hold back a sigh
"i'm just trying to help"
"you're not an ally",
i reply
i don't sit so people don't see my thighs
i try to keep my mouth shut, but open you pry
we are low on supply
so i guess i better retry
more knots i will tie
alcohol, i apply
to my cuts, while tears fall from my eyes
you aren't someone who which i can rely;
please, don't ruin my disguise

i'm a mess
i'm heartless
i'm a mess
i'm useless
i'm a mess
i am done with everyone
i'm a mess
y'all don't have to clean me up,
i promise
i'll be fine
i always am
haha
i'm a mess

i can't pick up the pieces
every time you break
i have my own
to retrieve from the floor

You don’t know what it's like
To try
And try
And try
With no results

You don’t know what it's like
To cry
And cry
And cry
Tears full of salt

You don’t know what it's like
To die
And die
And die
Every second you're alive

You don’t know what it's like
To lie
And lie
And lie
But nothing
Will ever
Ever
Ever
Get better.