You are in my morning coffee
My happy thoughts
The old memories that swirl in my brain, always swirl back to you
I think of you when I put on makeup
When I get dressed
When I hold all the parts of me,
You loved like no one else
When I say I hate commitment
When I’m singing and dancing
Or crying and shaking
I think of you
My late night drinks
And cigarettes
taste like your lips
I think of you
Do you think of me too?

My smiles are stitched in place
my words are a script
my laughs are rehearsed
I fold the anger under my skin
swallow the pain down
tuck the shame behind my hair
every heartbreak deep down inside my chest
I have mastered the art
of disguising my demons
but when you look at me
I am transparent
every story floods from my skin
bursting to be told
begging to be discovered
when you hold me
you hold every awful memory
and when you kiss me
oh god when you kiss me
it all fades away
and I am free

I don't love you
I don't love your flaws
I hate them
you tore me to pieces
I hate so many things about you
you are like nicotine
worse than the hits I take
I crave so many pieces of you
but only pieces
I can never love you fully
as a whole
I love the sections of you I handpicked
and re arranged
into who I want
I don't love you anymore
I love feeling loved.

I don't love you
I don't love your flaws
I hate them
you tore me to pieces
I hate so many things about you
you are like nicotine
worse than the hits I take
I crave so many pieces of you
but only pieces
I can never love you fully
as a whole
I love the sections of you I handpicked
and re arranged
into who I want
I don't love you anymore
I love feeling loved.

Everything is falling apart
I can feel the grief in the air
each breath i take is like a rock in my throat
the truth is no one knows what to do
we are all wandering blindly into the woods
stumbling, tripping, trying to find an answer
a conclusion
but doubt is endless
my body is so tired
its skin so scarred
her eyes are dark
and his voice is low
father and my mother sleep in separate rooms
my sister sleeps in our living room
her husband across town
my brothers ring is no longer on his hand
their puzzle pieces fill my arms
to many to carry
to many arguments
the spaces between them are flooded with fear
i am drowning

No longer memories,
just empty scenes in my mind
endlessly replaying
im ready to move on
these fragments of broken glass keep cutting me so deep,
rupturing my veins and spilling out my bones,
just let me go and let me be
i wanna get out
i wanna be free
its like a record player
stuck on repeat
im running in place
im running alone
I see new scars
on top of scars,
on top of scars
each time i look they multiply
each time i look i wanna tear my skin
piece by piece
take it away
because the more i learn to love myself
the more it hurts to see.

Take me apart piece by piece
strip search me
you will only find bruises and broken bones
from all those who've come before you
discarding my clothes like unwanted distractions
i gave up long before you
on trying to fight back
slowly convinced my bodies not mine to fight for
this skin isn't mine to hide
your hands on my hipbones
tongue in mine
kissing away every "no" I whisper
thrusting,
moaning,
but don't you  know
you're ******* a corpse

Everything around me is crumbling
the solidarity i once felt as a child,
has long since faded
surrounded by loved ones
yet i have never felt more alone
the things i once thought would never change
are vanishing
where did happiness go?
did i ever really feel it?
or was it all a lie
were trapped in repetition
to cloud our desperation
is there any hope for love?
because everyone is drifting apart
im left here with all these broken pieces
I cant sleep and i dont think you understand,
these wrists have no room left for scars
no blood left to bleed,
my heart has no strength left to grieve,
it only gets worse from here.

My body begs me for sleep
Its been days,
maybe weeks
I dont remember
I'm always shaking,
but I can't cry
cigarettes dont taste like smoke anymore, just ash
I just keep bleeding
I can't feel anything anymore
all I can do is bleed
It stopped hurting so long ago
picking my insides apart,
tearing up my veins
I keep reaching
searching for something,
or maybe someone
I keep falling,
tripping in the past,
where did you go?
I'm all alone
my arms just keep bleeding.

Im high as a kite
lost in all these stars
everything floating and drifting
my fingers covered in smoke
rolling off my tongue
swirling in my lungs
im so far from reality
yet,
the want for you
to be here
holding me
floods my skin.

Thoughts of you wander through  my head
more frequently then i would like to admit
the way your eyes caught mine
your voice, god that voice
it was like home
you are gone
gone from me forever
my heart wants you back
but my brain knows
oh it knows how you tore every piece of me apart
there are so many things i never learned
so many things you never said
i was constantly waiting to understand everything about you
do i even cross your mind?
because you have ruined mine.

It ruptures your soul
spills out your insides,
it leaves your skin thirsting for more
you can see the stars a little brighter through the tears,
and you swear, you can feel the world in your throat with each exhale
but my god, what is life without it.

The spaces between us are filled by smoke
and pools of blood
you inhale poison
while I bleed out my exhales
our broken pieces,
fitting together like shards of glass
tragic back stories,
nights spent on the phone
you say you love me
but i know the lighters come first
I tell you we are perfect together
but my razors kiss my skin
instead of your lips
I know you love her
even though she sees the bottom of the pipe
while I see your eyes
baby you are better then the tar at the end of a blunt
**** it,
if it takes a gallon of superglue,
and a million packs of cigarettes
I swear to you, we will be okay.

I sit here bleeding,
letting every broken promise,
flow from my wrists
my body is empty
you took what you wanted
releasing your ecstasy
inducing my misery
your fingers touch every inch of my skin
invading my soul
I pull my hair
peeling my skin
destroying every part of who i am
because
maybe if i **** myself
you will die too

Your kisses were poisonous
your hands felt like knives
taking what you want
opening me up, revealing everything
without even asking me
dissecting me
violating every inch of my body
you looked at me with your eyes but the rest of you devoured me
distracting me with your sweet words
I never stopped you
I didn't know my own body was worth fighting for.

my skin
is to tired,
to bleed
my heart
is to broken,
to feel.

Maybe if I bleed enough the taste of you will disappear,
maybe, if I hurt enough i will forget the way you smelt
the taste of your lips,
all the times you said " I love you"
all the times you didn't mean it
im left here, picking up the pieces, of the heart that beat for you
im alone here, hearing nothing but your voice
feeling nothing,
but the absence of you
and the sting of my wrists.