we talked and we talked.
my phone laid on my stomach,
waiting for it to buzz,
hoping that it'd be you who lit up my screen.
i felt like it was valentines day in elementary school again.
the butterflies in my stomach fluttered and hit the walls of my stomach every time i thought of you.
you kept calling me cute and i told you that my heart was yours.

you aren't alone in this.
it may seem like you've broken so many mirrors, these bad days will overlap your next life
but that's not the case.
you haven't broken anything,
you are not broken.
give it time.
and i know i always say that to you, "give it time".
you'll be okay one day.
look at everyone you love,
you And them have survived the darkest days
either alone or together.
you got this.
it's okay to fall down sometimes,
it's okay to let yourself lie there too.
but we both know you have the strength to get back up again.
you are loved.
you got this.

i can clearly remember the sound of sneaking out the front door,
how i would close my eyes when i very, very slowly shut it,
making it seem like if i squeezed my eyes tighter, there would be no sound.
the fresh air is like no other.
looking up at the streetlight lit sky,
i started to run.
first, down my street
then, down the park trail in my neighborhood.
i kept running,
with tears in my eyes.
these secret hours felt like i was truly Free.
in these hours,
i could be anyone i wanted to be,
i could make a story in my head as to why i'm out here at three in the morning.
i sat on the neighborhood slide as i watched the sun rise.
eyelids getting heavier, i tried with all my might to watch the sky change.

the shadows grew taller and i watched as the sun slowly yet gracefully fall back into the earth.
before it was completely gone,
i remember seeing its light being cast upon the ocean waves in front of us.
glistening and shining,
something that i don't think i could capture on camera.
we sat there,
not saying a word to each other but we understood everything.
the tips of our shoes became damp from the calm, crashing waves
hugging us.
the tips of our fingers touched and all i could do was close my eyes.
doing this, i relived
Us.

This one is for you,
Quiet girl,
Smart girl,
Shy girl,
You.

Not for the,
Funny girls,
Ignorant girls,
The girl that doesn’t acknowledge,
You.

Because you may be quiet,
But I never had a problem hearing your voice,
And you may be timid,
But when you speak I will always listen.

This one is for you,
For the day I saw you cry and thought that a
Quiet, smart, shy girl,
like you should never cry.
But does.

I know you cry when you are home,
And escape to your room where no one else sees.

You never answered my text,
And I am worried,
You tell me “I don’t have to”
But smart, shy, girl,
you never did realize,
That I always cared about you.

And I listened,
And I worried,
And I hugged,
This ones for you.

i had to keep reminding myself that things would be okay.
that even if things aren't okay now,
they will be,
eventually.
after another long, tiring day,
i pat myself on the back.
i felt my muscles ache from doing so but knowing that you're here for me was enough to make me feel better already

I broke too much
of myself
thinking someone
could fix me.

I should have not
turned myself
to pieces
in the first place.

Because no one
would ever keep
a broken mirror
in their pockets.

i apologize
for all the things i never said anything
for all the times i didn't speak up
for all the times i let you make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin
for all the times i let you make me feel guilty
for all the times i let you get away it
for all the times i let you win
for all the times i let you make me cry at 2am

i apologize for never telling you
that you were ruining everything about me
that you made me hate myself
and that this hate continues to run through my veins
for you
and for me
and everything that slipped through the cracks in between
as you broke me