4 and a half years later,

I still find traces of you

On my body
In my mind

And not in the good way

The way

I flinch from raised hands
Tight grips
Or sharp words

The way

I question my self worth

The way

I don’t say stop when it’s not
okay
Or stay
Still for too long

The way

So here’s to hoping they’re almost
gone

As I’ve been unwinding these patterns for 4 and a half **** years

Surely,

The time it took to learn them
is proportional to how long it will take to rid them from my brain

Surely,

-wishful thinking

You used to mean
E v e r y t h i n g
To me

Now you’re just lilac petals
Crushed under my
Heel

-over you

I’m so tired

it’s as if I am digging
my own grave

into the ever growing bags

under my eyes

-depression

Because trauma
pretends to leave,

just to slip back under your door

-I thought I was fixed

Cut me with the petals of your favourite flower
Let your fingers
Carve my name into your skin

Forget me not (because I tried to forget you)

Your breath

On my cheek

Is so very sweet

Like nectar to a bee,

I can’t help but drink you in

-I’m in love with you

You change moods like the tides

And I am tethered to an eroding *****

Easily pulled by your waves,

you affect me, darling