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 Apr 2018 Julia Mae
alex
i've written and posted
seventy three poems
on this website for the sake of you
and for the sake of my own safe keeping.
this makes seventy four.
seventy four poems that i've written
and still i don't think
i ever really
said
anything at all.
i struggle to find meaning in mostly everything.
 Nov 2017 Julia Mae
alex
and if you’re fond of
floating in the limbo
between handshake
and hug
then i suppose
i better make myself
at home.
k. whatever you want.
 Nov 2017 Julia Mae
alex
do i love you?
oh, i’m not sure
please don’t ask
anymore.
my heart is weary
and my body needs to
rest.
gently now
take my hand
and hold me close.
do i love you?
oh, i’m not sure
but please stop asking
before i tell you
the truth
(oh, absolutely my dear.
absolutely)
 Nov 2017 Julia Mae
alex
i imagine her
beautiful and weary
damaged in the ways
that allow her
to sink down into my soft places
and fill the puzzle-piece gap
someone else left her with.
i imagine her
lovely and flawed
striking a match in my chest
and starting a flame in my belly
a forest fire of disaster
and absolute perfection.
i imagine her
soft and destructive
disassembling me at her worst
caressing me at her best
i imagine her
lonely and strong
a being built from
i-don’t-give-a-damns
and let-me-help-yous
i imagine her
there
quiet and beaming
imagining what i might be like.
i imagine her
thinking i’m the beautiful mess
that i think her to be
i imagine us both being wrong.
i imagine that
being the best part
about it.
i remember all the times
i made you say goodbye
to me a little longer
just in case i never
got to say goodbye again.
i didn't know the last time
we said goodbye,
was going to be the last
time i would ever see you.
i didn't know this until you
ended our relationship
over the phone the next day.
i've just about come to terms
with it all now that it's
been months.
but i still wonder if all the
extra minutes i made you
stay and hold me
until you left
accounted for the time
i never actually got to
say goodbye to you.
 Nov 2017 Julia Mae
alex
i’m typing this
as i’m waiting for you to get back
from the bathroom.
in the starbucks
cozy acoustic music is playing
and your mocha frappucino
half empty
is on the table in front of me.
your lips have touched the lid
and i don’t want to be
that person
but i wonder.
i wonder how it feels
does it know that it’s lucky.
can it tell me its secrets
how does it do that?
get you to open up
and let inside the warmth?
i’m not jealous.
just curious.

you should be back any second now.
you might walk out
back to our cliche little table
and ask me
what i’m doing
what i’m typing so furiously
what i’m so passionate about.
i will want to say you.
i love you
right here right now right time right place
i won’t though

maybe i’ll say
“i forgot to finish this paper
that’s due at 11:59 tonight”
or maybe i’ll say
“i just got an urgent email
about my political science class tomorrow”
or maybe i’ll say
“an old elementary school friend
just sent me a Facebook message
and i need to reply”

or.
or maybe i’ll say
“nothing.
nothing more important than our coffee.”
maybe i’ll just close my laptop
mid-sentence
because it’s true.

nothing is more importa
k
The hardest goodbyes are looking into your eyes
and telling you that I have to go

When I'm this far away its so hard to say
what I truly need you to know

I love you so much and it hurts me to leave
because I'm the happiest when I am with you

But because I'm so far, on my heart, there's a scar
That was caused from abandoning you

This isn't farewell but If you can't tell
It hurts me to leave you alone

When I'm lost and away and I want you to stay
I can only reach you by phone

I hate to see you suffer, I hate to see you sad
I want you to feel everything but bad

I am your love, and I swear you are mine
So lets try to take it one step at a time.

I know that this hurts. every week, every day
But with feelings strong like ours, we will find our way

You've helped me find things, new passions, new love
and have lifted me closer, to the stars up above

So when you feel weak, or feel you can't fight
Please go outside and look up in the night

At the stars in which you've brought me closer to
Because I will be also looking at them with you.
<3
 Oct 2017 Julia Mae
Tyrus
2AM
 Oct 2017 Julia Mae
Tyrus
2AM
Because its 2am
                                
                                                and im sitting in my bedroom alone

    thinking of ways to **** myself
                  thinking of reasons to hate myself  

                                                                  while you're sleeping



because I told you I was fine.
Thoughts- Which is better? To get help for your thoughts for the worry of another? Or let them think you're fine and let them sleep peacefully for once?
 Aug 2017 Julia Mae
Louise
You're my favorite person.

Several months ago we used to talk how miserable my life is under the moonlight of a park. You used to tell me words of wisdom and lending your ears made you admirable.

Several months ago you used to notice the color of my eyes, the smile between my little dimples, my small hand and my pinky toes. You used to notice little details about me and my heart was filled with appreciation.

Several months ago we used to share thoughts of our future and of our past beneath the million stars with a mucho bottle of beer. You used to tell me how you feel and so do I.

You're still my favorite person.

My life's still miserable at times but we're too busy growing up. I miss your words of wisdom and you listening to my dilemmas and fears.

I still look the same. The color of my eyes, the dimples and my smile, the small hand and my pinky toes. They need you. They need to be noticed again. They feel the need to be relevant. To you.

I have more thoughts of my future now and I'm counting the days go by. I have so many words to tell you. I have so many feelings towards life to share with you. But I cannot even drink a bottle of beer. I cannot even share a good moment with you.

Do you miss me?
 May 2017 Julia Mae
chasing rain
you tended to parasites,
thinking they were blossoms.

you expected them
to grow around
and into
the person
i used to be.

you expected something beautiful.

but now,
vines are constricting me,
growing around me,
curling inside me.

insects are scuttling on me,
through me,
they are a part of me.

i am made up
of parasites,
of weeds,
and wilted flowers.

everything good in me
has been devoured by
everything bad you've cultivated.  

(i reach out to you,
hoping you will feed me
with praises,
with smiles,
with gentle intentions.)

but you water me
with hurtful words,
disappointed gazes,
and angry actions.

you expect
a paradise
in me,

and you are disappointed
when you see a barren wasteland
in the person
i was supposed to be.

and i am disappointed
because i cannot grow
the way you want me to
with the way
you nurture me.
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