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I'm haunted by these demons within.
Unable to let light in.
I'm desperate for an end to this pain.
As I hit rock bottom once again.

I am searching for a sign.
Something to tell me I will be fine.
I need a distraction or a way to cope.
Before I give up all hope.

So I surrender.
I'm giving up.
I need a little help
To pick myself back up.
I cant do this alone,
Please let light be shown.
I surrender...

I've done things I'm not proud of.
And I just can't seem to rise above.
I turned away from truth.
I realized I'm not bulletproof.

Scars remind me of mistakes made.
Lonely nights drawing with a blade.
Things people said that cut deep.
Stressful nights without sleep.

So I surrender.
I'm giving up.
I need a little help
To pick myself back up.
I cant do this alone,
Please let light be shown.
I surrender...
It's been over a year
Since you broke me to the core.
Took away my innocence
Because you wanted more.

Hoped I'd never see you
Or look into your eyes.
The eyes of a sadistic monster
That tore me down with lies.

Thought I'd never see those hands.
Hands that made me feel unclean.
Made me feel guilty for your sins.
The worst I've ever seen.

The memories don't go away.
Or the feel of your cold hand.
They keep me up awake at night.
A touch as rough as sand.
So, wow, okay. Um. ****/****** assault ****. Trust me, I know. It's been about a year since I was ***** by a guy I was with at the time. I made the mistake of not telling anyone for almost 6 months. But when someone has that much control over you, you feel like there is nothing you can do anyways.
Two words
Hitting you like a train.
It takes a second to sink in.
The reality of it all.

No. Not possible.
He is so young.
The doctor said he was fine.
This cannot be happening...

Screaming at the heavens.
Why me?
I thought my God cared.
So then why is he doing this?

What will happen to our family?
Is he going to die?
Will he ever walk me down the isle?
What if...?

The tests, doctors, meetings.
They all blend together.
I can't separate one from another.
Because they all say the same things.

The Unknown.
They say chemo will make him weak.
He may not be able to do basic things.
And the same question still haunts me:
Will he make it?
Recently my father, my hero, was diagnosed with cancer. These thoughts ran and still run through my head everyday.
Missing the feel
Of a blade on my wrist.
Missing the sting
Of where the metal has kissed.

But I'm over six months clean
And my friends are finally proud.
I guess I'll push this down some more
To keep these voices from getting loud.
What gives a father
The idea
That he has the right
To abide his son?
Hit him?
Hurt him?
Bully him?

Why does he think
That just 'cause he's bigger,
He can tear him down?
Break him?
Beat him?

How is he okay
With taunting his own child?
Criticizing him.
Telling him
He'll never be good enough.
A disappointment.
A failure.
Once again, I am terrified of how I feel.
These thoughts are foreign to me.
My whole life, I was told it was wrong.
So then why is it in my mind?

I never understood how this worked...
But now I do.
It's just like how it is for everyone else,
Except a little bit switched.

I know I'm not all the way there,
I doubt I ever will be.
I don't know...

I mean...
My best friend,
But is that all that's there?
Or more on my part?

I don't know what's going on.
I'm confused and scared,
Of my family... My church...

But none of it compares to the fear,
That if it gets out,
She won't understand. Or worse...
That she will feel the same...
Yet another angsty poem. This time, about my struggles involving my sexuality and attraction to my best friend (whoop).
Take my hand, darling.
Hold me close.
Not another cut.
Not another dose.

Be my escape,
And I'll be your drug.
The feeling of a high,
Replaced with a hug.

Stay with me,
And promise this:
Every scar
Will be met with a kiss.

Love me tender,
Love me sweet.
And these addictions
We both shall beat.

Loving you,
Loving me.
Day by day,
For once, truly happy.
A poem that I wrote for that boy named Chase...
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