I am the one with the big eyes
I am the one who's always standing tall
I am the one with scars on her arms
I am the one who bites cheeks when being anxious
I am the one who wiggles her toes when waking up
I am the one who's always trying to help friends
I am the one with freckles
I am the one who drinks an oddly amount of tea
I am the one who tattoos herself with a cheap tattookit from the internet
I am the one who cries when seeing old people
I am the one who can't walk without thinking about every step
I am the one who likes to go to vintage stores to fantasize about the people who used to wear the clothes
I am the one who likes her book the old fashioned way, just paper
I am the one who's always cold
I am the one surrounded with art
I am the one in most things
But am I the one for you?

Hi
I am Anne
I am a girl
I am 18 years old
I am really depressed

But... I also am..

The girl with hair that constantly changes

The girl with scars on her arms and wounds on her heart

The girl with her own will

The girl who never takes a single thing for granted

The girl who used to starve herself

The girl with thoughts darker than the night

The girl with so much love to give

I am a lot

But the only thing that matters

Is what I am to you

And then you told me
What i hoped you wouldn't tell me
I know the exact words weren't a goodbye
But it left a sour aftertaste in my mouth
I see a future with you in it
And you see a future without me
Trust me i know
I've been with enough people to know
I love you so much
I wish i could tell you how much this breaks my heart
I love you
Please stay

I'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burdenI'm a burden I'm a burden

I need to die

I want to breathe in different skin

I've tried to take my life seven times before
And no one ever talked about it after it happened
We all went on without addressing it
I carried the weight of my attempts on my shoulders like it was a backpack filled with stones
It made me feel like no one cared
I will attempt a new one in a matter of time
No one seems to notice how bad I'm actually doing
No one cares enough to talk
I'm so painfully hurt and I'm alone in this fight
I'm done

I think you'll be gone in a matter of time
Not entirely disappearing, part of you will still remain
You'll travel to another country and meet new people
To soon forget about who I am
And I keep telling you 'I love you'
Maybe you can find your destination in my words
I don't think you will
But I keep hoping that one day you'll say 'I love you' before I do
Before I make you to
You are the first male I really trust
The first one I truly love
And my heart will break when you go away
It will shatter and collapse and create a tiny pile of broken pieces
That'll be me for the next few years
I will not tell you this
I refuse to tell you this
Because I, I love you

I fear that you'll soon reveal
That you never loved me at all
That one day your smell isn't on my pillowcase
I fear that you'll leave me
And it haunts me every night
I love you very much
More than I ever dare to tell
But I fear that you'll soon reveal
That you never loved me at all

God she is so thin  
Embraced her darkest sin
She's fading in perfection
And losing her perseption

God she is just skin
Tried to fight the demons from within
But eventually let them win
She's fading into darkness
Can't remember where her heart is

All I want is for what we have to be real

o talkative listener
what do you do
always rephrasing sins on your skin
you are a devil in disguise
and I love you for that
you are ragged edged with a hint of silver
wanting to make gold with stones
you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders
and walk like it's your last time to shine
o talkative listener
what do you do
always marking your words with a metal edge
you are a devil in disguise
and I love you for that

You're the one I want to keep
And hold in my arms
For as long as the clock is ticking
Kissing the soft spot in your neck
Getting your scent all over me
The more I breathe it in, the more I long for you
And I am not one to write love poems
But you made me do it anyways

I like to dance with candles
Stealing their warmth with pleasure and joy

Disgustingly full of selfhatred
I once again push a knife to my skin
Red pearls fall to the ground
They are filled with rage and pain
I can't remember a time before my fall
They cut my wings with silver blades
They teached me how to do it
So now I'm pulling feathers out of my skin
And wish no more

I want to feel the poetry in my blood
I want to feel the words form a structure around my bones
Kindly reminding me of you in a way only words can do
I want to feel the explanation mark in my heart grow bigger as our lips converge
I want the commas to never end, and the periods to never emerge from the depths of my mind
We make poetry babe, you and I will forever remain alive in the words I have written
Because I love you as much as the words in my poems
And I will never let go of that feeling

I will show my teeth in full ornate
Trying to scare you away with this ****** mess of mine
The pile of bones I'm sitting on, my throne, is collapsing
All that's left is water to drown in
I'm not proud of the decision I made to scare you away
But I love you
And you'll break with me if I don't leave you behind
I'll see you in another life
And miss your lips before that time

Anxiety
It's there when I eat
And it's right next to me when I fall asleep
It's there when I'm walking
And it's leaning over my shoulders when I cry
I've learnt to live this way
The crippling fear of being alive has consumed me
It's always there
It graps me, pulls me in, leans over for a kiss, but puts a knife right through my back
I can still taste the fear on my lips as I go down on my knees
I never went this low to the ground
I feel dizzy as I try to pull myself up
But it keeps on pushing me back
I will never get up
Anxiety

The truth is, I hate you
I hate you a lot
Because I love you the most
Every whole feeling is a threat to me
You have power without even knowing
The truth is, mom, that I despise you
I despise you a lot
Because I respect you the most
But every whole feeling is a threat to me
You are the strongest without even knowing, mom.

I breathe in your oxygen and all that's left is you
You are in my blood
You are all that's left
And it scares me
What if you don't want me anymore
What if, after all this time, you'll get bored of the way I smile, or the way I cry
All those other people did
They beat me until I couldn't get up anymore, treated me like I was nothing
What if I'm nothing to you?
I know that's not the truth
But this fear keeps creeping up on me
I breathe in your oxygen and all that's left is you
What if you take yourself away from me
I'll be left without something to keep me from choking

She is wonderfully fierce
As strong as a storm and as stubborn as the sea
She lives by self destruction
Injecting fire in her veins until there's nothing left to burn
She loves the rage, the anger and the rawness
She lives for pain and rebellion
Everything she touches dissappears
Everyone she loves will leave with a broken soul and more wisdom than before
Just a hand full of people can read the fond of her book
They still don't understand the words, but they manage to flip through the pages
She's entirely made of clouds
Unpredictable and impossible to catch
She's a talkative listener with her heart on her sleeve
She's me

Help, I've done it again
I've been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
Seeing the blood made me feel okay
I've been here many times before
This pitch black hole they call depression
It's a beast feasting on my innards
There's nothing left but pain
I can't breathe. The weight of being alive is pulling me under
I can't function without feeling the wall between me and my emotions
I just want to close my eyes to never wake up again
I'm done giving to a world so ****** up as this one
I'm done living in a society that tells me how to behave
I am so ******* tired
I want to die
No. I need to die
I don't have any purpose
I'm drowning, can't you see?
It's inhumane to keep me here
In a life that isn't made for me

nothing better to do, I'm yelling '*******'
I'm trying to figure it out
ruined my shoes trying to kick the dirt
trying to clean the blood off my shirt
I'm trying to figure it out
Nothing here to see, just a wild kid like me trying to figure it out
nothing better to do, I'm stuck here with you
I'm still here trying to figure it out
Licking lollypops with men watching me walk by
they want a piece of me but I'm all mine
enjoying the sun with glasses bigger than my face
I've learned to love what seems to be the race
dancing with my shoulders out, I planned it out, I don't care I figured it out
walking like the catwalk is my place to go, now let me show you I figured it out
Smoking a cigarette and stay in bed I figured it out
I love the danger, I figured it out
I'm officially off the rails, you should try it

You can't have me
You can't own me
You can watch me burn in the smoke of cigarettes and ****
You can hear me screaming, defending my end
You can see me ruin things, all things at once
You can feel my energy rushing through my bones
It's trapped in a body with a lack of capability
I am a wildchild
I do what i want, when i want
You can't own me
You can't tell me what to do
I'm my own personal hell
I like the destruction in ways I can't describe
Watch me dance like a crazy person when I listen to music
Watch the rain fall on my tongue when i step outside
Watch me chew my cheeks when i think
You will never know what i am thinking about
Maybe that's what interests you in me
You like the way i am uncontrollable
You like the way i refuse to live by standards

oh bitterness where did you come from
with a sip of my wine I can taste you
moving down my throat
leaving red stains on my skin
where did you come from
leaving soggy thoughts in my head
I can taste you when I kiss
I can feel you when I cut
oh bitterness you are the fear in my bones
holding me hostage in my own body
I can feel you lingering around me
I can see you in the corner of my eyes
I can find you where I used too find words, in-between the top of my mouth and my tongue
oh bitterness you are prettier than I remember
you are like a dangerous lover
and I take you like an addict

The big things will be seen as signs of an undeniable strength in the back of my mind
it's unspoken about, but we all know the power is too big
A shiver goes down my spine while I sip on my last bit of wine like I want to press my sanity in-between the top of my mouth and my tongue. I want to take the sour pinch and enjoy the smell of sweet life a little bit longer
I feel lightheaded as it moves down my throat

I took them like tic tacs

I had a therapist tell me once how ironic it was how much love I gave out
because I didn't give much to myself
she laughed, like self love was a sick joke
I chuckled and cried at home
I had somebody tell me that I could not love somebody else unless I loved myself
this time I got to laugh
this time the sick joke was mine
it was me
might as well wait forever
I remember hating myself at the age of seven
diaries filled to the brim with criticism
I had enough pages to stitch them into wings
and fly close enough to the sun to see my tears turn to steam
felt the wax burn on my shoulders
and mold into thick skin
I was nine when I wanted to die
thirteen when I found a solution
figured if I could cut my legs enough
gravity would let me go
when it didn't I tied a rope around my neck and twisted it until I couldn't breathe
stars filled my eyes and I was almost gone that day
I almost convinced myself I'd done it
when I started writing
I smeared my blood on every page
to remind myself that everything beautiful has a consequence
I have died so many times
so when I told you loving you made life almost worth it I wasn't joking
If someone can love a dying thing this way
and give thanks to the way my body hold back
if someone can kiss the scars
Administer the pills
absorb the bad days
and wake up smiling next to me
then I can try to breathe again
because self love does not always comes first
or second
or even ever
I will always be a woman of wounds
a broken neck and melted skin
love will not heal me
but it will hold my hand if I ever heal myself
and it'll maybe teach me a joke that I can stay alive long enough for to laugh at

no one understands that I have nothing to gain
no one understands how it feels to slowly go insane
to have panic attacks so bad that I can't breathe
no one understands the pain I feel in my chest
Like I'm infested with a disease
diseases ****
No one understands the tears that fall down to the floor
until I can't cry anymore
My eyes are drained just like my soul
my soul is a hole, a pitch black hole in the universe that can't be filled with love
its too scared of love, I'm too scared of love
I find myself on the ground with a bottle of pills in my hand
Pills that I took like tic tacs
now the clock tic tacking away until the day..is gone
They will scream and they'll ask me why I did it
and I will smile like I have fishhooks in the corners of my mouth
i will tell them it's okay to fly into the sky with fearless wings
the scars on my arms will tell the story they are so curious about
my scars will tell them how my life is like a personal hell
I never got to choose to either live or die
I never got that choice
I'm in so much pain
18 years worth of pain is unbearable and yet here I am
I am a burden to the people around me
I want it to be over

I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm not sure
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm done
I'm in pain
I'm done.

I don't know if I'll breathe tomorrow

The lights went off again
The room is completely dark now
I know the furniture is there, but I can't see it
What I do see is a flickering light, a settle reflection of a mirror
I can't see myself
Who even am I?
The lights turned off
The room is filled with black
I can see the shape of a doorknob
Gloomy light touches the surface and there goes my hand
The door is shut
No movement allowed
It was worth a try
I'll wait in the dark
Scratch the door untill my fingers bleed
I'll not rest until I get into the light
Or heaven I suppose

Depression is always gonna be there
Its always gonna be in my head
I can take pills for that, but it’s always gonna be there
Thats why I hate it so much
It’s so ******* unpredictable
Like I can be completely fine now
And wake up the next day
Or something will trigger me in the next seconds
And I will completely freak out
I will lie in my bed and cry
Depression is what it looks like in the movies
at-least for me
It’s closed curtains, being in bed all day
Not wanting to go out
It’s just so frustrating
When you can’t give a **** about yourself anymore
Nothing ******* matters anymore
And it just *****
Because you do care about things, you want to care about things
But you’re just stuck in between caring and being too tired to give a ****
I ******* hate depression
I would **** it if it was a person
Why is it even here?
It’s just horrible
It’s always gonna be here and it’s never gonna go away
Things are just ****
I have had to cancel a lot of things because I was too depressed to go out
You just don’t want to see yourself living another day
When my depression is really bad, like now, I can’t see myself living next month
I can’t see myself in a weeks time
I can’t even see myself tomorrow morning
That’s when my suicidal plans and thoughts kick in
Because I can’t freaking see myself living for another second
If I don’t love myself then nobody will
And that’s the sad truth about it

I'm scared that I'll **** up
I'm scared that people won't accept the real me, the person with scars and a history full of pain and abuse
I'm scared that I'll throw my life away by dreaming too much
And I'm scared that I'll not dream enough
I'm scared that i will forever be scared
Trapped in my anxiety and shame
I'm scared that I won't be enough
I'm scared to lose my family and friends
I'm scared to lose my mind
I'm so close to losing my mind
I'm scared that I'll cut too deep
And I'm scared that I'll never cut deep enough
I'm scared of living
I'm scared of myself
I'm scared

Most people would say I'm better
I was so sad and so angry at first
So now, i must be better
I'm always smiling
I don't hide my scars anymore, I must be so proud of my recovery
But this is so far from the truth
If anything I feel worse
I just hide it now
Even from myself
I ignore it
And distract myself
But it always comes back
You can't run away from these things cause they are a part of you
I dont want to burden anyone
I dont want to go back to another hospital
Seriously, I don't give a **** if you're throwing me back in a mental institution
I care that I won't be able to see my mom
She needs me
So I smile
I act like I'm better
I lie
I keep the tears in and pray to whoever is up there that they buy it and let me go
And they do
It became so ridiculously easy to pretend
Then there's therapy
I care about other people too much
I care about how everyone around me is feeling
The first weeks of therapy are okay
I'm honest, as honest as i can be
But then we start to bond
I start to care about their feelings
And all of a sudden my life's perfect again
They fixed me, right?
No, but i act like I'm okay to make them feel better
Of course on the inside nothing has changed
It's only gotten worse
At night i can feel it pestering inside me and i wanna cry , i just want to cry so bad
But i have no more tears
I'm numb
So i use my imagination
I think of places far away
Places where I'm happy
I know she'll notice all of this eventually
My mom
She'll notice and i will keep quiet
I don't want to hurt her feelings
My feelings? My feelings would hurt her
So i hide them
And i don't get better
You know, the sick thing is, I don't even think i want to get better
Because I'm scared of that too
This is all I've ever known
I don't remember being happy
I don't remember peace with myself
It's lonely
It's so ******* lonely
Because everyone else knows this completely different person
They don't even know me
I don't know how to deal with this anymore
I just want it to stop
I care about people so much, I dont want to hurt them, but when they meet the real me they will get hurt
I'm done.

And baby she's so tired
So tired of holding the corners of her mouth
She's so tired of faking a smile
And baby she's so scared
So scared of all the people
Telling her she can't
And baby she's so angry
So angry at herself
The cuts never went deep enough
And baby she's so done
So done with life
It never was good to her

I need something
To **** me
I am tired
Of taking
My own life
I need something
To heal me
I am tired
Of helping
My own mind
I need someone
To take my hand
And tell me it's okay
To close my eyes for a bit
I need someone
To **** me
I am tired
Of taking
My
Own
Life

eating is torture
eating is a total nightmare
I’m torn between needing the food because I’m starving and being horrified of the food coming inside of my body and making me feel full
The feeling of the food inside of my stomach is absolutely terrifying
I’m the puppet of my anorexia
I’m terrified of getting away with not eating, but there’s a bigger part that praises me when I get away with not eating
I’m never gonna make it easy for them, because of the terror
Eating makes me so ******* scared
I don’t want to gain weight, I’m already fat
The people around me are lying, telling me I am too skinny
Or is it my head that’s lying to me?
Why do I see a fat person in the mirror when I look at myself
I eat less than a 100 calories each day
I need a minimum of 2000
How is it that I’m still so fat?
Eating is horrifying to me
My parents think I do it to control them, but that’s such a lie
I do it because I’m genuinely scared to eat
I fear eating and I fear food
I fear getting my stomach full and I fear getting fat
I don’t know how to overcome this fear
I’m working so hard and no one sees it

I'm fat, I'm ugly and I ruin things
my battle with anorexia and boulimia is taking over my life again
and I'm so tired
Im so scared of eating and I don't even have a reason why it is that way
it just is
I don't even have the energy to get up anymore.
I have to get up
I saw a butterfly after my therapy session today and it made me smile
I like the little things like that
it's the little things that count in a day full off fights and battles
I purged again today
I panicked so badly and I was so tired
I ****** it up big time
I'm letting everyone down
I make people hate me and I feel so ******* isolated
and all of this because I'm too scared to eat
I'm ****** up
I need to get rid of myself before I ruin somebody else's life

I haven't eaten in three days
I feel lightheaded but good
It's a type of high I can't explain
It makes me feel in control
But if I keep doing this they'll have to forcefeed me
They'll put a tube in my nose and feed me like I'm ill
But I'm not, I don't have a disease
I'm no patient, I'm Anne
I'm me.
I like going on walks, enjoy the sun and cloudy days. I love the smell of rain and the sound of thunder and I like being rebellious. Love poetry and books. I am Anne, not a patient.
But I haven't eaten for a while
And I start to feel less like myself