i’m tired of not loving you.
i’m tired of the dry
fluorescent lights
illuminating not everything
but almost everything
just enough to make me think
i see it all.
i’m tired of waiting
for the stones i sent skipping
across the water
to come back
i’m tired of sinking with them.
i’m tired of noticing
that snow during spring
is warmer than i am
i’m tired of complaining
and then being scared of
what you think
of my complaining.
i’m tired of stitching puzzle pieces
into patterns that don’t make sense
just so i can ask you about them
i’m tired of trying to hang paintings
on bare white walls and thinking
i’m the problem
when it doesn’t stick.
i’m tired of being overestimated
even when i know
what i’m doing
i’m tired of falling in love
just because you’re kind to me
i’m tired of not loving you
but i’m tired of not loving me more.

Confidence is key
In oh so many ways
Much more than with
The things you do.

Walk tall, stand still,
Be open and direct.
Show them all
That you are completely
Unafraid.

Don’t fidget, look around or gabble on.
Don’t show your anxious self.
Speak slowly, with pause
And show you are assured and calm.

For confidence is like a virus,
Spreading out throughout the room,
Infecting all
With that assertion
That You
Are Number One.

If only I myself was brought up this way,
Who knows what I’d have done?
But better late than never,
As they say.
Let’s start,
By being tall,
And cutting out
That slouch.

But remember,
Never compare:
Treat everyone as equal,
Never be arrogant:
Be gently assertive.

Paul Butters

© PB 9\3\2018.

You once said I was loud so I became quiet
You once said I was selfish so I started to care more for others than myself
You once said I was illiterate so I flooded my brain with books and inarticulate words
You once said I was ugly so I put on so much makeup I was borderline unrecognizable

Loud
Selfish
Illiterate
Ugly

But then it’s too quiet
Then it’s self neglectant
Then it’s nerd
Then it’s fake

I couldn’t do anything right

You once said I was ***** so I wore short skirts and crop tops just like the rest of them
You once said I was different so I fit as much of myself that I could into a perfect little mold
You once said I was husky so I stopped eating lunch
You once said I was lonely so I started befriending more guys than I could count

*****
Different
Husky
Lonely

But then it’s ******
Then it’s wanna be
Then it’s anorexic
Then it’s *****

Trying got me nowhere and i’ll never be like everyone else
But wait.
Why would I want to be?
Since when I did I care about all that?
I was not loud I am just expressive
I was not selfish I’m just not open
I was not illiterate I’m just still learning
I was not ugly I just have flaws

Why did I believe you in the first place?

I was not ***** I just rock a turtleneck
I was not different we are all unique
I was not husky I just had thighs for days
I was not lonely…am not lonely.

So why would I change myself for the likes of you?

We only realized we were holding hands when it was time to let go
She released my hand from her grasp and walked away.
The way her feet danced across the beach each step leaving an indent in the sand, the water washing it away moments later.
We drifted further as the water tore her from me
She returned to the sea where she belonged.
As she walked into the water I noticed she had scales
Blue scales where her legs once were
This is why she needed to go
Returning to her home
Into the sea
We only realized we were holding hands when it was time to let go
I go to the beach, the same one
Every day
Hoping
That one day,
She will return
I loved her
Wishing that I could follow her there
Deep into the sea
To see her once more is my dream
We only realized we were holding hands when it was time to let go…..

If I could turn back time
I would hit Backspace all day,
Id put on Caps Lock
and SHOUT what I say.

I'd use the whole Alphabet
To tell you hello,
Press seven Numbers
Til you picked up the phone.

I'd Tab through the comments
I didn't want to hear,
And use the Arrow Keys
To drag your body near.

I would Delete the harsh words
I didn't mean to speak,
And Insert the "I love yous"
I before couldn't leak.

I would use Ctrl to
Keep reigns over my heart,
And I would Escape lies
That tore us apart.

I'd Print out your photo
And kiss it goodnight,
Use the Calculator
To check that we were right.

I'd Paint you a picture
of us, you and me,
Then I'd hit Enter
Just so you would see.

Those are the things
I would do in my strife,
If only Backspace
worked in real life.

it’s a good idea to take a moment each day
to remind yourself where you stand
and who you could have been
had you been standing
somewhere else.

i don’t want you
the real you or who you are with me
not like that
not in the way that i’ve been thinking about recently
i think my brain is a little disconnected
from reality or from rational thought
because i’ve never wanted you like that
except for maybe that one time
that i thought i was in love with you
but that was a fluke
anyway the point still stands
i don’t want you
the real you or who you are with me
and i think maybe they’re the same
which is kind of what makes me think
maybe i do.