I’m not trying to ruin all
Your(our) pretty lies
But I do not think I can go down
This Road that we’ve built  for our future
I know when the sun melts into the trees
I'll be standing on this cliffs edge with nothing but regret
If I stay here playing house with you
The love lost between us has jagged edges
And I do not want our children caught on them
The tension laid taunt and suffocating between us
has encased us so wholly that I must break it first before we suffocate
moving swiftly
I climb off this precipice we’ve run ourselves onto
Listen darling
I’ve reached through time and if I leave now
I'll see you aged older with a fond kindness instead of bitter hate
Lets us mature into the people who put down guilt and anger
In the name of what this love has gifted us instead

-I gave you a younger version of my heart thank you for doing good by it
-it's time to go

I have my life lined up on the inside of a shelf
at the 7-11 in the grey part of town
I left it there hoping one day
A small someone that's pretending to be complacent
Can come and pick it up
try it on to see how it fits
I leave it behind
Chancing that it will fit them better than it ever did me


- I leave in lessons on folding yourself into a five point pin
And never letting anyone in

You're wild like a dream
Half part fantasy & half part real life
Most days
you aren’t sure which one you like better
The girl you want to be or the one you are


- Tell me, which one am I supposed to forgive myself for?

My mother always told me,
"A good lie is the best kind of truth that you could ever have.”
And I never understood-
Until I told myself
You were coming back to me.


- I do not think this is how she meant the lesson to be learned

I am sitting in the waiting room
underwear off
On a chair that hasn’t been clean since it was installed
Goosebumps trail down my exposed back
The ties of my blue hospital dressing gown
the only barrier between me
and a room of fully clothed strangers  

I am sitting in a waiting room
my eyes are burning
and I wish for nothing more
then to have some type of dignity left
But I put it in the white pillow case they give
after telling you to strip yourself of everything you are
It sits between my legs  
And just like that I am a blank slate
(Nothing more and a little less than what they need me to be)

I am sitting in a waiting room
And I am the smallest person in every room I walk into
These ones always make me feel smaller

I have dirt between my teeth
Between my bed sheets
It falls out of my hair every time I move
It’s beneath my fingernails
no amount of scrubbing will make them clean
& I’m always knee deep
in the graves of all the people I have loved
I keep digging them up
Every time I fall asleep
since I’m sure I've made a mistake
Only to bury them a little deeper
When I don’t like what they have to say

On nights that bleed their way into early mornings-
I’m long past giving my nightmares space to dream
Anger has given away to panic
as my fingers weathered and creaked
try to trade in the tidal of emotions for the memory it belongs too
yet I can never calm down enough
to reach what’s waiting on the other side for me
Standing before dawn
all of the remembered mantra's
I’ve spent weeks collecting
slip right through my hands taking everything with them


- The white out of everything else