Paris: Poems

Paris Apr 2018

Cold
Not warm
not hot
not room temperature
but cold
My favorite feeling is the feeling of cold
the frostbite I get on my fingertips
and the icy touch from the frigid weather
Or just feeling your hand on my skin giving me goosebumps

Cold
Maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by it
Makes me fond of cold
Just the word alone fills me with sense of relaxation
Thinking about the bitter cold from biting into a popsicle
Or the thin lining of ice on top of ice cream
Maybe the lonely feeling I got when you up and left me

Cold
White clouds in a sea that rains down hail and icicles
Dried tears that are still felt across flaming hot cheeks
Or freezing fear and relief I got knowing I’ll never see you again
For you’ve cause pain in my life

Cold
I was comforted by it
I was hurt
Confused and scared
And now nothing

Cold
It’s just a word that describes a feeling
I’ve been cold many times
Love, anger, disappointment, disgust
Coldness was there
And still is till this day
For I cannot wash away coldness
As it was buried deep within me
Since the first life changing memory was made

every cold is for a different part in my life

#thoughts #nighttime #cold #feelings #memories

Beauty In A Controller

Paris Apr 2018

Beauty In A Controller

Silky hair even when not washed

Beautiful round eyes that shimmer at the site of something it loves

A beating heart that matches mine in sync

Icy cold fingers that latch around mine in a blink

Bash the buttons as you play with my hair

And hold me tightly to make me aware

**** the mutant creatures as you kiss me ever so lovingly

Feel my blood pumping as you rip my heart out ever so slowly

Beauty in a controller
because that’s all you play
my heart and the joystick
it’s all yours
it’s your game

#love #him #boyfriend #poem #ily

Don't say goodnight

Paris Jan 2018

Don't say goodnight

~I love you goodnight~

The last sweet sound I hear before the all so familiar signal you hung up
Why would you leave me, knowing I don't want to be alone?
Knowing the thoughts that run through my mind?
Knowing the tears that will soon surface?
Knowing......the darkness consumes me?

~I'll see you tomorrow, baby~

But, for me, what if there is no tomorrow?
What if I hide myself away from the world?
What if my blanket suffocates me in my dreams?
What if my demons get me?

~I'm sorry I can't think of anything to talk about~

I don't care, knowing you're there gives me light.
Knowing your taking your time to deal with me makes me happy.
Knowing your still here....makes me want to keep moving forward.

~I love you, goodnight~

Oh how those text make me sick.
I don't want sleep, I want you.
I don't want to go under the covers to try and hide from the dark.
I don't want to curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep.
I want you.....every second.....to take away my night pains.
To make them all go away.
To make me feel safe.
Yet, I don't want to be selfish,
You have things to do.....and I can't hold you back from it.
So for another night, I'll tough it up and try to fight against their scratching and biting, their screaming and pulling, the cursing and abuse......
I'll try to save my self from myself....once again
For another, dark, long, and sinister night.

#dont #say #goodnight #midnight #thoughts

Freedom

Paris Aug 2018

Freedom

The pain from your hold on me is gone
The lies and broken promises have disappeared
Your puzzle piece in my heart has been removed, soon to be taken by another
A year of untruthful words, acts, and love
My eyes are dry for once, I feel free
My breathing is back to normal
No more anxiety surrounding my thoughts of the movements you’ve took
No more sick feelings as your chain suffocate me
I’ve broken free, I’m not a prisoner in your wicked game called love anymore
You shall not sit on your thrown built by lies, for I have knocked it down
You’ll never play me again even if you beg and plead
You’ve lost something unique, a treasure
You’ve mistreated a queen and you’ll get your punishment sooner or later

#heartbreak #singleagain #hurt #vilerelationships #lies

Look At Me

Paris Apr 2018

Look At Me

I’ve never seen you look at me
with the loving look that you
should give your daughter

I’m always in the back
never to be seen
to be heard
never to be thought of

With headphones in my ears
I push out the sound of your voice
I drain out the sarcasm and hurt
With the beat of music

Never was a genuine smile from you
No words of encouragement
No heartfelt “I love you”
Never even a decent conversation

Couldn’t pay for small things
that I wanted
never even thought
about my birthdays
or holidays with me

In a Dark spot I wait to see you
Yet you’re never there at the end
Always Mom
grandma
sister
Never is you, Dad

You’ve never done anything
for me that was heartfelt
never tried to strike up a
conversation with me
never even tried to genuinely
spend time with me

My feelings for you always be love
but is slowly being
consumed by emptiness

The man shaped hole in my heart
will never be repaired because
you’ll never make an effort
to stitch it back up

would you at least try
to make an effort
all I’m asking
What I really want
is for you to just
look at me

#abandonment #father #dad #half #custody #empty

Nighttime Fiascos

Paris Apr 2018

Nighttime Fiascos

I’ve never truly been diagnosed
But I have some troubles
Some ability to scare the living **** out of myself with my mind every single night

Can never fully sleep without something happening
Shall it be scratching, moaning, pounding on the walls
Shadows, demons, or just my own self getting me
Maybe voices or images, the thought of disasters
A nightmare, body pains, or just my own mind not wanting me to sleep

Pains in my chest that hurt worse with every beat
Or maybe the sense of a presence looking over me
I haven’t got a clue for the cause of these nighttime fiascos
but it’s something every night
The only source of release is when I turn on my phone to see a text from the person I love
And even so, though it feels like a boundaries around me, I know something is out there waiting for me to turn off the lit screen and be face to face with the terrors that keep me awake at night

#nighttime #night #terrors #insomnia #demons #monsters

Thoughts At Night

Paris Nov 2017

Thoughts At Night

I...I want to sleep yet thoughts run through my brain...
I can't...
They prohibit me from gaining rest..
Loosing those I care about
The hatred of myself
The hatred of this miserable life
Thoughts of just emptiness
Thoughts of fear
Thoughts of anxiety
Thoughts of wanting to run
Wanting to just scream and cry until my vocal cords are shredded and torn and worn
Wanting to just lock myself in my room and never come out
The urge to just shut everyone and everything out and just wallow in my sadness and despair
I can't do half the **** I do normally right
Not even ******* walking
I can't speak right
I can't act right
I can't ******* write right
I can't walk right
I can't do a lot of things
I'm to much of a wuss to get anything done
I can't do a ******* thing to save my life
Vivid mental images from suicidal fantasies roam my mind
its all coming back to me
Even with those who bring me joy and happiness it never lasts
nothing ever will
I understand this and I have for a long time
Bottled up emotions and thoughts have been ready to burst for years
Leaking out only to be filled and shut back in by my fear of collapsing and breaking
i can't do what I want to anymore
i am forced to put up this happy facade and I'm sick of it
Yet I must
I have someone who cares about me and that I know won't try to hurt me
I have some who have tried to take their own life that I almost can't live without
I have to keep my fantasies in my mind and never enact them
I must keep to myself
Keeping the bottle sealed until it shatters under its self brought stress and fear
that fear
that stress
that anxiety
all of it
keeps me from sleep

My boyfriend wrote this when I was forcing him to try and write poetry

#fears #at #midnight #anxiety #depression #love #hate #suicidal #thoughts #pain

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