When small
He was cute and  loving
I often longed  to cuddle him
Forgetting the world.

Yet when grown up
His cuteness and  ignorance
Gone from him.
Besides,  he became hard hearted.

I love the days past
When on Sundays and holidays
I rambled out to the countryside
On my bicycle
My wife waiting for me
Having the meal ready.

In the morning I swept
the surrounding
Off the dirt and fallen leaves
with a broom;
She tending the vegetable garden.

How beautiful and serene
Spring was in the long past
When I was a young man .

we humans have such a need to be loved
afraid of being
alone
abandoned
left for granted

and i am no different
i want to feel the rush
butterflies in my stomach
wing against my hair
hands against his heart
heart intertwined with my soul

you may ask why
am i so enamoured with this
idea of love

perhaps it is so i do not feel lonely
for i have been (lonely) for a while now
even when i am surrounded by people
there is no one
not really
not anyone who connects with my soul

or perhaps  i just want to feel more put together
after all
everyone thinks you’re so much happier when you have a significant other

or perhaps i just want someone to hold hands with
someone to kiss
embrace
****

oh
ah
oh
i’m not fooling anyone, am i?
the reason i am so enamoured with the idea of love
is because i am obsessed with the notion that someone else can fix me up
heal the void in my heart
clear the window to my soul

This air runs thin.
Either that or I have just lost the desire to breathe fully,
Or I have lost it completely.
Whether or not the air is still tangible does me no difference,
Because if it's not then I'm right,
And if it is then I actually have to try.
Cleaning furniture often is supposedly good,
Since raw dust could easily be balanced out with fresh air by
opening a window.
But it does not make the room any bigger,
And it certainly does not gain back the space.
There are two possibilities if I look outside today;
One- the smog has subsided and I can finally see, or
Two- the sun is at its lowest point.
Of course, having no windows in the room is an option, too,
Because if you cannot see the outside then you can convince yourself
there isn't one,
Because if there isn't one then you don't have to leave.
Since it has been two weeks of cooler temperature
it is easier to pretend it's normal now,
Just do not give away any spare blankets,
And do not let anyone know you are freezing to death.
Be selfish,
Because that's all this world has ever shown.
Forget preparing for the worst,
Because the worst has already come,
And if there wasn't any time before then there is no time now.
Your feet are blistered from walking on beaten wood floors,
And there is barely any paint left on the bathroom wall.
You could always get new furniture,
But you cannot replace the entire house.
The cobwebs are saying there are always odds,
And the odds are never in your favor,
But if you had a broom you could wipe them away and pretend for the next few days.
Clean corners go a long way,
Especially when that is the first thing you see when you look up,
And staring at the ceiling is routine.
Everything withers,
That is why last year's birthday flowers are gone
And that is why you stopped eating every meal.
If you cried a little more there would at least be a sign of living.
But the odds have webbed together again,
And some have even found ways to the floor.
Maybe outside is different but it wouldn't make up for lost time,
And thinking only wastes more.
The air has become thin and the sun is at its lowest point,
And there are more pieces to clean.

I have a monster that lives under my bed
He whispers ugly stories about being dead
I shiver in my covers; eyes wide
As his claws tickle at my side

I have a beast that lives in my closet
Often I hear her groan and *****
I hide and pretend she's not there
But at night I hear her in my rocking chair

I have creatures that live in my walls
They scratch and whisper down the hall
I squeeze my eyes shut; afraid
While they chatter about making me their slave

We children have devils in our heads
They screamed, our eyes bled
We huddle and hide, wishing and praying
But of course, they claim they are staying

the places we leave,
they whisper old songs when
we fall asleep
and yet we hear them.
now there’s

mayhem in the way the clouds
intertwine with the sunlight

basslines we thought we’d forgotten
play in our heartbeats
remembering our fears,
and yet, we dance.
see, there’s

blank spaces between stars tonight;
there, they leave traces of you

you blew out candles
like it was nothing and you’d never
lost your breath the way
i’d lost my mind,
but there’s

something in the wind that is softer
than the palms of your hands were

and when you love there is
a hurricane inside
of you

it is impossible
for you to love
with your head
above water.
so there’s

saltwater in the places your coy
fish thoughts laugh and i miss that

you can see something on the horizon
it’s a dream you’re chasing after
and i hope you can find him.

I kept chasing
you, as if
you were
a distant dream.
But dreams
are not always
dreams.
Sometimes, we have
nightmares too.

i'm tired of writing
or tired of living

either way
nothing sounds right
fits right
feels right

it's all
choppy sentences
choppy breaths
all not good enough
all just a mess

s.s

him and i
love
like the sun in the sky

one moment we rise up
in colors so stunning
you can’t peel your eyes away

one moment we sink down
below the horizon
creating endless darkness

over and over
we are a cycle
of light
and the lack of it

we will either chase the sun
around the globe
to never see it set
or watch it explode
a dying star
and give in to a dark end

s.s