The day I found out about you I was terrified. How was I exposed to be a mom?
The day I saw your heart beat I was terrified. How could something so small change your whole life?
The day I felt you move inside me I was terrified. How can one little flutter of movement make me doubt everything I’ve ever known?
But those fears ment nothing compared to the day I felt the pain.
23weeks 4 days
That’s how long I thought I felt fear.
The day you came into the world was the day I felt real fear.
How can the pain I felt mean absolutely nothing as long as you took your first breath?
How is it I couldn’t keep you inside me where you belonged a little while longer?
How come I never got to hear the voice of the one person who changed my whole world?
How is it fair that I watched you die when I would have given my soul to make you live?
How do I go on without you in my life?
How do I breath without you when you can’t take a breath again?
How do I live now when I feel nothing because you were my everything?
You taught me what true terror feels like.
HOW DO I LIVE NOW?!?

The dark an twisted thoughts that fill my head
Are not ones that I would share with others
The blood
The gore
The massicisam
The pain I wish on others
You would not think I’d have these thoughts if you looked at me.
With my cheery smile and sweet hazel eyes
My soft voice that others love to hear
But that’s just the mask I put in place
It’s so perfect that others don’t even know it’s a mask at all
But if you peel away the skin you will see the rotting flesh underneath
The one of decay an death
Of hurt an suffering
You will see the darkness of my soul
And I relish it
So don’t get to close
Because I have secrets that only I bare

The burn
The burn of the cigarette on my skin
The embers that alight the flesh as it’s being put out
Pain, the pain barely registers
I smell the smoke , the chalky smell mixed with chemicals and burnt flesh
My skin is burning
Redding and blistering but still the pain is dormant
Why can’t I feel the pain of this burn
Why won’t it let me feel what I need
I just want to feel

Ribbons of red stream down my arm
Wanting to wash away what I feel
But I hold it tight
Knowing that if I let it go a flood will rise
A flood so dark an deep that non shall see the bright red of the blood that washes across the skin it cresses
The wound will always gape and stay
Slightly flowing
Leaking out the love that should be inside me
But that blood seeks a different outlet
Something that will let it bleed
Something that will let it feel
Something that will it stay

The monsters that have no faces only names
The claws of guilt
The teeth of pain
The fists of agony
The kicks of sadness
These are some of the monsters that surround me everyday thrashing and tearing at my soul
The names are many
I can never truly get away
I flee into the darkness of my mind
Searching for the one monster that can keep the others at bay
He may be the worst of them all but if I find him I know the others will retreat at least for a little while
His name is Nothing as he wraps me in his arms
Suffocating me in his cold embrace
The darkness surrounds me as everything fades away
No light can touch him
He is my numb , my empty, my life
He is my monster the one keeps the other monsters at bay
So far now in the darkness of my mind the others will linger but will not get to close
Because he is with me
And that is enough