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Apr 2019 · 82
Ivy Shower
CataclysticEvent Apr 2019
One of the most blissful parts of my day,
Is  getting in the shower that night.
And it's not for water or the warmth.
It's not for the quiet or the solitude.
It’s the smell.
The smell of you.
The soap you use to clean your body.
And it clings to the walls of the shower
Like ivy.
With the heat and the moisture,
It wraps around my skin,
Soaks beneath my skin.
And it's almost like this intimate moment
For you but without you.
How I’m adoring your scent,
Your existence,
Without your presence.
And I hope it tells you that,
Even when you aren't around.
Your presence is firmly seeded around me.
And I adore the fact that I get to spend,
However long you allow,
With your scent like ivy in the shower.
Apr 2019 · 76
Comfortable
CataclysticEvent Apr 2019
This cat and mouse game
Has gone on to long.
This back and forth between us.
This thin line we walk to far either way
And everything
Will fall apart.
So me and you have to let go of
Eachother
We can't hold each others hands
Holding each other up.
It's time to let go.
We can't play this
Comfort zone for much longer.
Comfort is dangerous
When the depth becomes comfort
Mistakes are made.
And the last mistake I want to make
Is to leave this world to soon
Because I was comfortable with you.
When bleeding becomes the only way
That I can get through a day
I'm to comfortable with you.
So her I am saying
It is time,
It is time i let go
Of me and you
Us.
Because comfort with you
Means i lose everything else.
And i am not ready
To be to comfortable with you.
I'm breaking up with you.
No more,
This will be my last testimony to you.
The last piece of scar art I do.
Me and you,
We are through.
Apr 2019 · 106
Broken is a state of life
CataclysticEvent Apr 2019
The amount of light
That I would need to
To conquer the darkness
That swirls beneath my skin.
Would require more
Light then the human eye can see.

What's it like to be broken?
I can see the question sitting
Upon your tongue,
Relentlessly trying to break free.

What's it like to carve your hurt
Into your skin?
I can see the disgust behind,
Your well placed mask.

What's it like to fail.
So flawlessly.
That not even you notice
That every new scar only adds
To the utter failure you've become.

As a daughter,
Mother,
Friend,
Human,
Lover.

Utter failure.
Devastating defeat.
Broken is a state of life.

In which we often don't know we are in
Until we are
Standing alone in a bathroom
Covered in the evidence of our own self hate.
Wondering
How can Anyone love me?

For surely if his family ever knew
Of the things I put my body through
They would think me a failure too.
And eventually he'd see it too.
Apr 2019 · 128
Died with you
CataclysticEvent Apr 2019
I'm angry that you're gone.
And I'm angry that when
Before
I thought of you
It was happy and exciting.
My best friend,
You always made everything easier.
And I'm angry now
After
The thoughts and memories
I have now only bring sadness
And devastation at my lose.
I'm angry that losing you
Changed my reaction to your memory.
The lose of you
Changed my entire world,
Changed me so drastically,
Who I was before
Well
She died with you.
Apr 2019 · 129
A million times
CataclysticEvent Apr 2019
I've thought about it,
A million times.
If I could trade places with you.
If I could be the one gone,
And you be the one here.
But
Then I remember that would mean
You'd have to suffer with the lose
Of me,
And I'd never do that to you.
Apr 2019 · 77
Friend or Foe
CataclysticEvent Apr 2019
Who am I?
Who am I to you?
When you think of me
When I brush across the fibers
Of your mind and wind between
The endings in your memory.
What am I,
Who am I to you?
When thoughts of me show up
Unannounced
At the forefront of your mind.
Are you happy to see them.
Or like the bad taste in your mouth
From stale sleep do you,
Brush me from your memory.
Did I leave an impact on you
And when that mark I left
Shows up in conversations
Is the mark I left good?
Is it like a warm touch to your shoulder
A smile on your face.
Or is it bad,
Like the after taste blood,
Leaving you feeling defeated,
Wishing you'd never met me?
Who am I to you?
What am I?
Friend or Foe.
Mar 2019 · 226
Ashland
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
Frozen wasteland
Of human remains
Where there once
Were dandelion kisses
And lovers in the grass.
Now there only
Lies ash.

It coats my throat
And fills my lungs.
A copper taste
Forever in my mouth.
Left questioning exactly
Where in my life
This anxious
Wasteland of recurrent
Depression was decided.
Mar 2019 · 311
Vivid Dream
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
I dreamt of you
The other night
Of the last day
We had.
I remember feeling
Anxious all day.
Feeling as though
My skin was crawling.
My chest so tight
I could not breathe.
Hyperventalating.
Panicked with no cause.
I was utterly
Terrified.
And I chalked it up
To just being me.
But
Later that night
At 0305 they called me
"You may want to come."
I got there at 0325
"I'm so sorry."
"He's gone isn't he?"
That look of sorrow
She gave me,
I knew.
I couldn't feel you.
At 0319 may 27th 2018
You were gone.
And all of the panic
The fear
It made sense
I felt you leaving me.
Mar 2019 · 607
The Act of Grieving
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
The act of grieving.
It’s unlike anything I’ve
Ever had to go through.
Survived through 17 years of
Mental torture at the hands of
A mother who should have loved me;
But alcoholism had her by the throat
          ****.
That never received any justice.
Physical abuse and mental abuse
For years by a man who should have
Cherished me but instead hated me.
12 hours of labor with no medication.
No relief of the spine crushing pain.
And yet the simple act of you dying.
             Of you leaving me behind,
                           In this world without you.
Has crushed and devastated me.
     Leaving me
                          annihilated and listless.
And without

My best friend, my cheerleader, my fan, my sounding board, my dad, my confidant, my partner in crime, my moral backbone, my courage, my strength, my forever compass, my mother figure, my only family.

I don’t know how to exist here.

The act of grieving,
Has left me tired and restless.
And I’m unsure if I’ll finish the act
Or the act will finish me.
   Exit stage…..
                                                        ­        Right.
Mar 2019 · 72
Wait
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
The world waits
For no one.
When you're stuck
In the black wormhole
of your depression.
It will keep moving.
And some days you will
Be left behind,
To fend for yourself.
Those days,
You are your strongest
Warrior.
Fight.
Mar 2019 · 106
Sunsets
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
Don't miss the
Beauty of the sunsets
By trying to
Outrun the dark.
Mar 2019 · 327
Deeply
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
Breathe deeply
Inhale
Exhale
When the world
Starts to tilt
On its axis.

Stand up.
Believe in your
Strength.

For your strength
Has gotten you through
100% of all of
Your very
Worst days.
Mar 2019 · 396
Endings
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
My story is covered in
Tear stained ink marks.
Blood soaked covers
And ripped out pages.
It's not a pretty story
With flowers and happy endings.
There's no shining armor
And forever after kisses.
There's no magic.
The evil villain is me.
My story will most likely
End  in the words,

"She really tried."
Mar 2019 · 600
Quicksand
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
I always thought
As a child that
Quicksand would be
A bigger problem then it seems.

But then I realize
My mind is quicksand.
That slowly drags me in
Suffocating me in depression
Memories,
Losses,
Failures.
And the more I struggle
To free myself
The more lodged inside them
I become.
Dying slowly.

So maybe
Quicksand is a pretty big issue.
You just can't
See it.
Mar 2019 · 537
Acid
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
You've filled yourself
With so much bitterness
I can't
Stomach you.
Like acid on my teeth
You rot all you come
In contact with.
Mar 2019 · 331
Confrontation
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
I have stepped back
So many times from
Confrontation
I have ended up
In the next room.
Backed into a corner
I never meant to put myself in.
So,
I spent a few years
Learning that
I never have to silence
Myself to avoid
The doubt that others
May have in me.
I am capable
And worth
The confrontation.
Mar 2019 · 209
Not meant for you
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
There is no such
Thing as:
Unrequited love.
Only love,
Never meant for you.
Mar 2019 · 274
Even when
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
I promise
I'll love you
Even when
I can not love
Myself.
I'll love you.
Even when
I do not want
To be alive.
I will love you.
That I do know.
I will love you,
Even when
I can not get myself
To bring the words
To my lips
Know
I will love you.
Mar 2019 · 265
Air
CataclysticEvent Mar 2019
Air
Missing you
Is like choking
On air.
It only happens
When I breathe.
Feb 2019 · 216
Artwork
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
An artist can create
A master piece.
And everyone will flock to their work.
Marvaling in the beauty.
And at the same time
They've walked by the
Subject of that artwork
For days, months, years.
Never noticing
Never seeing
The sheer beauty.
Because only in artwork
Everything is beautiful.

Once you become someone's muse
You will forever be
Beautiful and remembered.
Feb 2019 · 276
Hidden Tar
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
I open my mouth
To say the things
I've always meant to say.
But,
They stick to my throat
Like honey.
Congeal in my lungs
Like tar.
And everything I ever
Meant to say
Remains stuck
Forever a secret hidden away.
Feb 2019 · 479
Cyclone 8
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
Forever she'll be
The girl that just
Doesn't fit anywhere.
The broken girl.
Visible flaws
people stare.
And the girl,
She hides
Hoping to disappear.
Feb 2019 · 227
Stave the Darkness
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
I wish I could say
Life is easier with you here.
But,
Depression doesn't work that way.
No amount of love i have,
Will change how I
See and feel the world.
But when the darkness clears,
And I can see and feel the world
With the clarity of normalicy.
You make that,
The most magical time
It could possibly be.
And for me,
That is enough to stave,
The darkness.
To get me through
Right back to you.
Feb 2019 · 613
Victim-y
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
When you call a **** poem victim-y.
Victim-y is the person who makes
Excuses for why they treat people like
An *******.
"I had a hard life, so I'm an ***."
Using excuses for bad behavior.

A woman writing about
How she felt about her body
After she is ***** is not
Victim-y.
It is fact.
Not a woman alive who's been *****
Will ever say she's not affected.
That she hasn't gone home
After.
Looked in the mirror
At the body she's had her whole life.
And felt utter shame
Less than who she was before.
Like the good pieces of her
Were ripped away with his touch.
Victim-y is excuse.
Talking about your loss,
As a women.
That is utter strength,
And those who can't see that.
Maybe you're the one playing
Victim.
Someone called a **** poem victim-y.  Telling her to get over it and stop writing about it.
Feb 2019 · 247
Decay
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
The more time you spend with grief.
The more at home you become
Within the folds of its
Despair.

The more comfort you take
From the sudden on slaughter
Of memories and tears.

The more you are able
To recover the facade
Of being perfectly okay
In a world that now only
Feels like it's decayed and dying.
Feb 2019 · 407
Light keeper
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
And when my darkness
Takes over a little more
Of the space then it usually does.
And the days become hard
To even get up and out of bed.
You light the way to the exit.
So that when I am ready
And able,
I can find my way back home,
Back to you.
The light keeper,
Of my storms.
Feb 2019 · 57
Light keeper
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
You’re my light
When my world is black and white.
And I struggle to keep
The darkest parts of myself
At bay below the surface of my
Bubble like concious that seems
To Bob up and down like a pogo stick.
Constantly, consistently trying to
Escape the confines of the corner I’ve
Tucked it into.
You are my light.
When I become darkness.
Swallowed whole from the insides of my own mind.
You bring me back,
Without thought or effort
You bring me back.
And that deep darkness that slithered it’s way
From confines of my conscious
Slips back beneath the surface.
Scared away by the light.
The light stays a pale blue hue that
Glows in my chest keeping all the darkest
Of my darkness no where near my heart.
You remind me,
That this world isn't always darkness.
And even when I am darkness
And I a struggling just to survive,
There is always light.
My light keeper,
There with every storm.
To light the way for me,
Out of the darkness.
Out from within myself.
A little stronger then the time before.
Feb 2019 · 77
Stop
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
Living with depression and anxiety
Is like being sad and tired.
Its wanting to curl up in a ball
And sleep the day away.
But to anxious to do so
Because there is so much
That needs to be done.
Its crying in the bathroom,
And walking out with
Your head high and a
Smile that lights the room.

It's exhaustion.
Utter despair hidden behind
School projects and
Mega phone laughter.

It's being utterly alone,
Surrounded by loved ones.
Feeling completely invisible.
But unwilling to ask to be seen.
It is drowning in a room full of people,
With a smile on your face,
And no one notices when you stop
Breathing.
Feb 2019 · 416
Protect you
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
The heart whispers
"You could have told me
The truth.
I still would have loved you."
The brain replies:
"I know, that's the problem.
You shouldn't if you knew.
Someone needs to protect you."
Feb 2019 · 80
Never
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
We passed each other tonight
Along the back road in town
Heading in opposite directions
Unaware
Of our proximity

And that's how it'll be now.
Forever coming within breaths
Of one another.
But never reaching out again.
Never even wanting to.
Feb 2019 · 335
Self Destruct
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
Random scribblings of
Off label thoughts.
Black label
The ones meant to
Tear people apart.
I hope
You read the warning label.
Surgeon General's
She will Self destruct.
Feb 2019 · 103
Compete
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
We compete
So often with a world
We have never
Been in competition
With.
Feb 2019 · 151
Never knew
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
Like everything
I never knew
I don't know
Who I am
Without you.

~TMH
And like everything
I thought I knew
Who I was
I won't ever be
Without you
Feb 2019 · 164
Sky light
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
The sky has always been
A place of solace for me.
A comforting place
A warm embrace.

From my bedroom floor
As a teenager
Broken and bleeding
Watching the stars and the moon
Praying for no more.

My bedroom window
As a new mother
Just begging her daughter
To go to sleep
Swinging back and forth
In the moonlit glow that fell upon my floor.

And here I stand now
On my porch steps
Looking up at a sunset
So vibrant and warm
In my heart
I know it's you
You're watching somehow.

And when I'm old and grey
And my eye sight is gone
My hearing lost
The memories of every single
Night sky
Sunset and sunrise
Will  keep my solace
Until I leave this place.
Feb 2019 · 107
Stars
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
Outside
At 3 am
The stars twinkle
And I catch myself
Wondering
Which one is you.
Feb 2019 · 321
Forever Artwork
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
I write about you.
I talk about you.

Forever keeping
Your memory alive.

Deep in my heart.
Where darkness swirls.
I'll keep you safe
From that part of me.

I'll never let your memory
Get swallowed in that part.
So I'll keep talking about you
Forever in my art.
Feb 2019 · 130
Be there too
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
In the loss
In the grief.
Among the rubble.
Where I weep.

Tortured heart
Bleeding wounds.
Losing you,
Tore me apart.

I look for you,
In every corner of a room.
Hoping that maybe,
You'll be here too.

In my heart,
I know you're gone.
I write about you.
Alive forever in my art.
Feb 2019 · 81
Here
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
Every happy moment
is always washed away
With the heart wrenching truth that
.....you aren't here,
you should be here.  

The devastating
Earth destroying
Drowning in sand
Realization that,
You'll never be here again.
Feb 2019 · 385
Breathe me
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
I couldn't breathe.
Like the walls
Were closing in around me.
The air thick with panic.

Then I looked up
And you were there.
I could feel your presence
Wrap around me like a blanket.

And the walls stopped moving.
And the air wasn't so thick.
For the first time
In months
I could finally breathe.
Feb 2019 · 90
I am still
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
The pieces of me,
That were scattered among
The different tragedies
Of my life.

Have been glued together
With determination,
Tears and law defying persistence.

To create the patchwork
Beauty that I have become.
And every scar.
Every glued edge
I am proud to say
I survived that.

I am still here.
I am still fighting.
I am still...
Me.
Feb 2019 · 144
To rot
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
The worst part about
Fighting a war on the inside.
There is no place to throw
The carnage when it's over.
It just sits on the inside,
To rot.
Feb 2019 · 105
North
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
I used to wait for the day
When I would be someone's world.
Their whole life
Orbiting around me.

Then I wanted to be the center
Of someone world.
Not the whole thing but the most
Important.
The most vital.

But then one day
I woke up to a life.
Where neither one gave me
What I thought it would.
Instead of happy and loving.
It was controlling and degrading.

So today
I want a world where I am
The center of my own.
Where I revolve around my own
Axis,
Being my own whole world.
And that is where
I finally found my
True love.
My true north.
Feb 2019 · 298
The Shattering
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
The shattering.
It's that moment
That one moment
in life where everything
Good
Bad
Devastating
Amazing
That ever happened
Shatters
And what's left behind is dust.
A land void of anything
Where you must rebuild or fade away.
The shattering
It's where you decide
You decide to keep fighting
To keep moving forward
Or to let go
To give up
To fade.
The shattering
Is where you decide.

So decide.
Feb 2019 · 363
One day
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
I get up
Every morning to fight
The same demons I fought
The day before.
Knowing it'll probably end the same
Tear stained pillows
And razor blade art.
But I get up
Hoping today is the day
The switch is flipped
And the demons aren't quite
As strong as the day before.
Until one day
The demons maybe
For the most part are gone.
Feb 2019 · 128
Saltwater
CataclysticEvent Feb 2019
The problem with depression
Is how it lets you go
Just long enough to feel safe.

Only to come back so quickly.
With such force
You are reeling from the impact,
Slipping under the waves.

Gasping for air,
Not even sure if you want to breath.
Drowning in saltwater tears.
Jan 2019 · 112
Our Fire
CataclysticEvent Jan 2019
In the calm
That you resound in me.
From the vibrations of your touch.
Your love.
I look up at you.
And a fire
Ignites in my soul.
Raging from within,
And I'm on fire.
We're on fire.
And I hope we
Never burn out.
Jan 2019 · 82
I'm drowning
CataclysticEvent Jan 2019
I can't breath.
My lungs are on fire.

Does it ever get any easier.
Reliving this loss
Or
Will I
Never function at normal again.
I relive your death.
Never getting past the desolation of loss.
God, how dare you.

Why him?
I know you could have taken others.
Tearing at my skin.
Hoping to find at least solid ground.
Other then the emptiness
Useless tears
Tearing at my skin brings at least air.

You leaving is my biggest loss.
Out of everything I'll ever lose.
Unfortunately I lost you first, miss you most.
Jan 2019 · 94
Rising
CataclysticEvent Jan 2019
And she stepped back.
Turned her face to the sky.
Her lips turned upward.
Bursting into flames.
She wasn't dying
She was rising from the ashes of her past.
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