Darkness like a fog.
Swallows me whole.
Like an embrace.
Wholeheartedly understood.
And for moments I think
Let go
Give in
Drowned
And if I relax to long
Sink into the thought
The fight to the surface
Is harder.
And the disappointment and
The sadness that comes with knowing
I have to survive,
I have to live.
Is teriffying.
What kind of person
Is sad to survive.
To be alive?

And I jump off the deep end.
I dive head first into this..
Possibility of future.  
Where before I couldn't
See past the next few
Moments just surviving.
I've jumped.
Hoping at the possibility of
A future where the loss of my past
Can be managed,
With you.
Praying I haven't
Jumped head first into
An empty pool.

My strength is
Never needing anyone.
My weakness is the same
I've spent so long,
Avoiding help
Support
Love.

I don't know
How to let anyone in now.
A steal door welded closed.
And I'm trapped on the inside.
Screaming to get out.

You broke my heart.
You destroyed me.

But our souls,
Connected in a way,
That I know will never happen again.
A matchbox love,
Destined to combust.

Which is both good and bad.

I'll never love anyone else that much,
My heart will
Never burn with that desire.
But I'll never hurt,
To that point ever again either.

My world feels like,
It's always moving at 100 MPH
And I'm always running
To catch up without
Ever reaching a Single destination.

Green eyes
Drowning in human lies.
Swimming in sin,
Dying from within.

A letter to nobody,
I wish that i could explain to you just how much it hurts to grieve a loss as great as this.  but until you know the loss of your father, mother, best friend, confidant, cheerleader, partner in crime you don't know what it feels like to have it all gone.
It's missing every single thing that was.  And missing every single thing that will never be.  It's about missing the things you never wanted.  Like a second child you weren't sure you even wanted, but now all you can feel is that fact that they will never know him.  He will have never meet them, and there will be a world where you child wont know their grandfather.
It's drowning in waves of loss throughout the day while keeping a straight face.  It's continuing the conversation, continuing my work without faltering, but drowning in waves of memories, and losses all at once.  Every day a struggle to try and remember that you have to keep going, you have to keep fighting.
But every day you go to call him, only to remember that never again will you call that number and hear his voice on the other line.  That number isn't the number you can call anymore for the good and the bad, and hear "What now" as an answer on the other line.  That number isn't in my phone anymore.  Adjusting my life to try and figure out if i will ever have a number in my phone that i can call for all of those things.
You don't know a loss that leaves your world destroyed.  When you have to adjust to a life where you feel as though you have to start over.  Start over as a human and learn to live in a world, where the only person who ever made you feel safe, loved, and completely worthwhile is now gone.  
So here i am.  Wondering if i am worthwhile.  If everything he ever said was true, or if they were just the word of a proud father.  At the end of the day i'm still here.  Struggling through a world where you aren't.  A place where you don't exist anymore except in a box in my living room.  And a world where i cry every day, trying to keep my head above water.
So, to whoever i wrote this for. That is what it is like to know grief.  That's part of what it is like to lose your person.  And even still, it doesn't even come close to the black hole it causes, the loss.  I hope you never know what that grief is.

I wonder if  all the things
I left unsaid,
Are the things that hurt
Me the most.

Maybe,
I'm my biggest heart break.

~TMH

As you left me there drowning.
Turned your back as I was,
Gasping for air.

I was learning,
How to breath underwater.
Without you.

My world is often dark.
With blurred lines of acceptable
Behavior.
My skin a frequent
Ever changing map
To my mental anguish.
But
The true secret is,
The map exists solely
So that I don't shut down.
So that i stay here, now.
So that I always have,
A way back home.

I drown in
The weight of
My own longing.

Reaching for,
Grasping at,
The silk teether,
Of my own desire.

She sat upon the world.
Looking down at the souls,
So far from her fingertips.
And she smiles knowing
Each one will one day,
Taste her.
Feel her love.
Death is promised,
To all.

Wonderfully lost.
Blissfully broken,
Because you do not fear,
heartache
When there is no heart
To break.

~TMH

She makes broken
Look beautiful.
    Her scars she wears
     Like grace.
And when she spoke

I swore time stood still
And honey dripped from
     Her center like satin.

                      ~CataclyticEvent

The demons in my head,
Come to the light in segments.
Created by a younger me.
The broken bleeding 11 year old
Who had her virtue,
Her self worth taken.

Created by the mind of a child.
To protect a future her from the same fate.

Astrid the anxious
Demon one.
Questioning ever person.
Their intent,
Their honesty.

Lilith the angry.
Demon two.
The fire that burns inside
With ever unjust,
That can't be changed.

Alloster the protector.
Demon three.
The biggest.
Holding a wall so high around me.
Not even those I  love can't get in.
To protect me,
He's isolated me.
Lonely

Grief.
Demon four.
Drowning me in waves.
To only let me breath a moment
Gasping for air.
Before plunging me back,
Deep into her grasp.

My soul is a mixture of dark and light.
Intertwined like silk ribbon.
My mind a chamber
Of deep thoughts,
And random ramblings.
Our heart,
Both love and hate reside.
Never able to distinguish,
The very difference of the two.

Who am i?
But a constant work in progress.
Covered in white out and scratch marks.
Trying to survive a world,
Where I am both
Dark and light.
Love and hate.
An intricate web of unknown
Intentions.

What have I done?
I remember the first time.
The first time i used pain,
To hey through the day.

What have i done?
11 years
Of ****** stains on the insides,
Of every pair of pants.

7 years without it.
Managing my life without pain.
And in one moment
In one decision.

I'm back where I started
Leaning on my pain
Thriving in my pain.
Cleaning blood stains out of pants.
And sheets.

Building upon my already
Abundant scars
Adding to the layers
Of broken
Adding to my broken

And I can feel my control slip.
And I remember why it was so hard to quit.
The first time.
Because this,
This is my addiction.
A persistent punishment
That I hate,,
And love all within moments of each other.

What have I done?

Oh how I wish I could go back.
I wish that I could tell you,
It's going to be okay.

Every struggle you're in.
Every harmful thing,
Done to you.
It won't control you forever.

Oh my younger self.
I wish I could show you,
The future you will have.
The beautiful daughter you brought,
Into this world.

I can't tell you.
So present me stay present.
Don't faulter.
Do not back down.
Because despite the fact that you think,
You are never strong enough.
You,
You are stronger then you will ever truly
Know it need.

Stay prsesent, present self.
Do not look behind you.
Do not look to far forward.
Stay prsesent.
Your life us just beginning.

Sometimes,
The right person
Will come at the wrong time.
And sometimes you're only given,
That one chance.
So if that was our one shot,
I'll never regret taking it.

I'll search for you again,
In the next life.

We drown in the waves,
Of our despair.
A constant pull,
Into the darkness.

A constant fight,
To stay out of the dark undertown.
To keep my head above water.
Some days the pull is,
So strong I almost drown.
Other days,
I can float upon the surface of the waves.

But always my thoughts
Drift to you.
Always,
Only a word away from tears.
And my tears add,
To the bottomless ocean of grief,
Threatening to drown me.

I've run out of things
To say, to write.
I spend days thinking all day.
Never able to put them down on paper.
Conversations in my head.
This I should have said.

Of a life that's so broken .
That I don't want to,
Can't get out of bed.
Hitting snooze,
Until I'm already late.

But I can't seem to find the words.
To put on paper.
Of all the things I'd wish I'd done.
All the things I should have said.
Times I should have walked away,
And stayed away.

So I sit in my silence.
I sit in my revery.
And I will myself to find the words.
To explain to you,
How very much I wish I could hate you.

Dear heart,
I ask again.
Tell me why of every human.
You chose to love the one,
Who could not love you back.

Tell me again,
Of all the hearts you could have loved.
You chose the one that simply,
Was out of reach.

Dear heart,
Of all the souls in this whole world.
How is it you connect with the only one,
Refusing to connect back.

In this world with,
Billions of people to love.
And my dear heart,
Simply chooses to love you.

I pride myself on my strength.
My ability to always get up.
To walk away when I'm not appreciated.
I don't cry.
It takes more then mean words,
To hurt my feelings.

And yet.
When it comes to you.
The only person ever know to hurt me.
I can't just walk away.
I can't just get up.
I stand there, waiting.

Behind a door you only open,
When you need me.
Otherwise it's slammed shut.
Locked tight.
No matter how much I need you.
But I still stand there.
Waiting for the hour or two,
You'll give me once a month.

I pride myself on my resilience.
What the hell is it about you!
That I can't just stand up
Walk away.
And close the door on you?!

From the ashes,
Of my life.
I rise,
I crawl, I fight.

My fingers ****** and raw.
Here I stand,
In the glory of my flaw.

I rise.
Always I will rise!

In the deepest parts of my mind.
Where the waters,
Ripple in the rip tide.

I've traveled to far in,
In the darkness
Swallowed from within.