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Happy mother's day?
My mom taught me what alcohol tolerance was by 9.
That some nights if I didn't make dinner,
I wouldn't eat.
She taught me how to be a light sleeper,
By passing out drunk with lite cigarettes.
My mother taught me,
Boys font like fat girls, and you're def bigger then me.
She taught me how to hate myself,
But still love her.
My mother taught me how to be strong,
By making it the only way to survive her
Never ending drunken rampages.
She taught me early,
Not love,, not her daughter comes before the drink.
She taught me how to take care of her.
Make sure she got home from the bar at 1am,
Unscathed from the journey,
And still be up in time for school.
She taught me how to live off little sleep,
And even less attention.
Early she taught me,
I was no more special than coat hanger on the wall.
She taught me your mother's cigarette smoke,
Will cling to your clothing strongly,
You'd have to fold them with dryer sheets inside.
She taught me,
That I'd stay for her to make sure she was okay,
All the while destroying myself.
She taught me how to love someone,
Even when you don't like them.
She taught me how to be respectful,
Even when those people don't deserve respect.
Recently she taught me something else.
Sometimes those people you love,
Will never love you enough to not destroy you,
As they destroy themselves.
She taught me we all have a breaking point.
A point of no return.
And that sometimes it is better alone,
To be an orphan.
Rather then allow them the satisfaction in your torture.
luckily I had a father who could both an amazing dad, and an amazing mother.
My career is fulfilling.
While most of my life,
My being crumbles around me,
On a daily basis.
My career is my one solid ground.
Where I seem to exceed,
Even my own expectations.
Where even my own cynical eyes can see,
This was the career meant for me.
I thrive in the busy,
The erratic motions of the nurses life,
Blending it to fit my ADD mind.
Most of my being,
Is a mess of rocky foundations,
Anxiety driven let downs.
And the overall sense of worthlessness I have for myself.
My career, becoming a nurse.
All the time, and pain it took me,
To find get here I can clearly see.
This.  Being a nurse was meant for me.
I think of you.
Even when I don't mean to.
I miss you,
Even when I try not to.
But the good moments,
Are clouded by gray.
For all the things you'll miss
While you're away.
Happy moments you won't share in my elation.
And the sad moments you won't be there to comfort my frustration.
The good moments are still good.
And the good memories are still happy from my childhood.
But every good memory is shrouded in fog
Wrapped in sadness like a grim epilogue.
Every memory I have i hold tight to my heart.
For fear without them I'd fall apart.
But each memory gives a thing of pain.
Reminding me I'm alive, I'm still sane.
Reminders of you follow me.
No matter where I go.
Little pieces of you follow.
At work where you were diagnosed.
426 where you passed away.
At home,
What was also your home.
At the zoo where we took you.
To the aquarium.
Walmart, target, Hannaford.
It doesn't matter where I go,
Memories of you always follow.
It's as if all the Syfy shows we watched
Ended as suddenly as you.
Like they came to the near end of their story
Only to stop just before the end arrived.
Cut short
Stopped just before the story closed.
And I'm left with the butter tatse
Of stories cut short before the answers
We're all answered.  
Left with more questions then answers
Waiting for the season finale,
That never happened.
Left,
Simple without the end of the story.
I'm losing the words to say,
To you.
I lose the ability to speak
What goes on inside my head.
To clouded by grief.
To angered by the past.
How to describe what's going on
Inside my head.
Inside my heart,
When all it seems to do
Is tear itself apart.
Some days I'm more,
I'll see you sooner.
Other days I'm more,
It'll be a while.
A constant battle between wanting to die.
But so desperately wanting to live.
The one consistent constant in my life.
After you died, that war pulled so far to the sooner
I had to step back away from the ledge
More times then I'd like to admit.
More times then I'd like to fail? Win?
I'm not sure, maybe both.
Missing you another constant in my life.
Wanting to find you on the other side,
But wanting/needing to be on this one.
For her, for me, but also for you.
Knowing it'd hurt you if I left to soon.
It holds me here, helps hold me here.
With her, for you, and me.
But some days
Om more I'll see you soon.
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