It was everything this girl ever wanted but nothing what I needed

I always was something that nobody could have, a mistery
my smile was like the summer and my hart was the winter
and there were only a few people that could read my dark eyes

she never became one of those humans, she didn't understand
the way I didn't cry when I was sad or the way I did when I was happy

I was different from the other people not only because of my beauty
I seemed honest, I told everyone I was honest, nobody saw me lying
it were the little things in life that made me special, everything special

nobody could ever have me and that's what made them want me
and maybe it was selfish to think this way and maybe I am, selfish
the beauty of life, the adventures everything was calling my name

the way he looked at me that night and the way I smiled back at him
the full moon was shining bright with all the pretty stars next to her
it was the perfect night to make love, the alcohol, craving for each other

that moment you should have known that it was so so wrong
but you never blamed yourself because you are young and free
promises never meant a thing for you and maybe they never will
people let each other down all the time and true love doesn't excist

we are broken boys and girls looking for other broken boys and girls
life never was fair to us, our parents never were fair to us, nobody was

and maybe I should feel sorry for being the way I am today

maybe you defined love as a thing no one could have but you

everyday I felt a little bit more trapped and I longed for my freedom
last week I met a man he gave me back everything I was missing
the air was so thick when I was around you, I needed to breath, the air

she wrote poems about you the way I used to do, poems about love
she saw everything in you as beauty there was a time I saw it too
the way you made me laugh and cry, I wanted nothing but her

and maybe deep in my heart I knew it was wrong, it was all wrong
I was like this girl from the movies , a paper girl in a paper town
getting away from everything I started here was my only option

so maybe this is a goodbye to everyone or maybe a hello

the thing is maybe life hasn't a meaning and it's not all about being
being beautiful, being smart, being different, it's not about all of that

things have meanings but meanings dont always have things.

there once was a girl who was scary and sweet
her name was Mathilda, she was the voice in my head

she told me stories about demons and the dark
things that I needed to do before she would leave me alone

cut a little deeper, no one will care about your wounds
eat a little less, no one will notice when you lose some more weight
speak a little softer, no one wants to hear your voice cracking the air

her name was Mathilda and I used to be afraid of her
she would force the broken kids to commit suicide, death
but I know Mathilda was just lonely and needed a friend, like me

trapped by demons like the little girl in me, afraid and dying
angels sang me to sleep every night and I prayed they would save you
it was my dream that you would be free and we could be sisters, family

there always was this part of me that missed you when you were gone
I know you killed yourself years ago, that you were just like me
but darling everytime you visit me in the summer, the lovely days
I just can't handle seeing you go again, die like you did that winter

the pictures of you hanging with a rope on your neck, the blood
you always counted the scares on your wrist, they were ugly you said
I always thought they were beautiful, just like the way you smiled

you always were so so wonderful with your broken blue eyes

Dear Mathilda, my darling, I love you.

maybe she was cursed to live like this

feeling all alone and left out in a world filled with love and happiness
the angels won't hear you crying when you are locked up in the hell
they aren't there to save you once again because you ****** up again
or maybe this was all her own little stupid fault, her mistake, blame me

nights like this I shouldn't be drinking, not even one glass
it makes me think things I dont wanna think, do thing I dont wanna do
I shouldn't have taken this so far and maybe you were right in the end
doing the things I did never made my life any better it made it worse

she always thought wolves were the most beautiful creatures
they would cry there whole life for something they could never touch
the wolves always reminded her of when she was just a little girl
she always cried for attention, from anyone but she could never touch

and now 6 years later she is sitting on the ground thinking about
who she was back than and how far she have come
that she could live a beautiful life with this never ending curse
that she needed to accept that the sadness will always haunt her.

the demons made her strong and dark
but now its time to follow the river of light.

last night it was exactly a year ago it happend
there were sad words leaving my pencil, I wrote a letter
a letter to say goodbye to everyone who once loved me or didn't

I was dancing with the demons in my mind, it was good
I was singing songs with my shadows, songs with the broken ones
and the devil was watching me from a close distance

my socks were ***** and the ***** bottles were empty
I don't even remember what happend to me that night

all I wanted was to create art when I woke up that morning
drowing in pain and tears, I wanted to make a painting
a painting with sad colors, like grey and black and navy blue
a masterpiece filled with my blood, my pain, my empty emotions

it were the pills I swallowed that night to keep me from falling appart
it were the blades rushing over my veins that made me feel alive
all these lose things, all these things, the visions of monsters, the pain
all the tears I cried that night, the alcohol I drank to keep me calm

but still it was your beautiful smile that haunted me, killed me
your pretty eyes and wonderful angel face that made me wanna live
you were all I could think of from the moment we first met, forever

it was you and only you.

they say that time heals wounds
but I found out creating my own wounds
heal alot more than time could ever do

that morning there was blood on my sheets
that night I cried a thousand tears on my pillow

sad kids walking the streets these days
their arm filled with beautiful scars

and for the first time I found comfort in having my demons near me
I found a little bit of my home back in this darkness, this is a part of me

birds they are flying, the sun is shining
everything around me is slowly dying

the party was getting started and all I wanted was to get away
I wanted to run away from all these dancing, drunken youngsters
I remember this night so clearly, the music was so so loud

oh pretty darling here we are again
lying on the floor with demons whispering things
telling you stories about blood and death, terrible things

they will say that all of this is your own fault
so please don't tell a single soul about what you did last night

I made a mess again,
please help me to clean it up this time.

it is 4:30 in the morning and I should be sleeping
the thought of you keeps me awake, I dont know what to do
the words you spoke to me are repeating themselves in my mind
and Im here laying on my bed thinking, how can this be real life

did he meant what he said this time, was everything he once told me true
or was all of this just a lie and he is just trying to play with me

the only thing I know right now is the fact that I cant sleep
because everytime I think of him it makes me wanna die
my stomach hurts and I want to rip my heart out, break every bone

and he knows he can do these things to me, making me feel this way
and I know I can make him feel the same way, just by looking at him

I dont even remember why I fell in love with him in the first place
maybe it were his eyes, oh yes it were his eyes, his brown reddish eyes
or maybe it was his attidude or his smile, his humor or his short temper

now its 4:42 in the morning and I wonder do I want this
do I want to wake up to him every morning laying next to him
do I have the patience to deal with his anger and the way he behaves

he is everything I wanted but nothing what I needed, nothing

I think Im just afraid to close this chapter of my crazy life
I like him being around to watch over and make sure I do the right thing
it always felt safe having him, asking me those uncomfortable questions
he always made me realise what I was doing and how I was feeling

this boy was my first love or maybe he still is a little

and it wouldn't be fair to play this game with me because he knows
I am the one who is going to lose