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129 · Dec 2019
Live & Love
Ayn Dec 2019
Living in desperation, looking for a
Silver sliver of golden hope;
A contradictory existence I shall never find.

I just want to love and love,
Is that too much to ask?
nothing to note.
128 · Oct 2021
Untitled
Ayn Oct 2021
He’s back once more;
The icy presence held at the door.
My heat is drained away
Like a fleeting fall leaf,
And all that’s left is an empty shell;
Something he wouldn’t sell.

Why all the meaningless slander?
I know you love me at heart.
There’s everything left for us;
A world of experience to handle.
Take my hand and I’ll show you,
You’ll see a world better than blue.
Get out of my head. You aren’t welcome.
128 · Mar 2022
I know it’s hard to do
Ayn Mar 2022
Close your eyes
You’ll come here soon.
Run away from this dream,
Fall into our tune.

It’s all a dream to me,
This horrid melody.
I call when you can see;
Setting the lifeline free.
Thanks for all the fish.
127 · Mar 2020
Firebugs
Ayn Mar 2020
Little firebugs
Rise like dandelions,
And float like feathers
Into this nightly silence.
A poem can be short or long. As we learned from Hemingway, stories can even be as short as 6 words. All that matters is that you get your point across.
127 · May 2021
Untitled
Ayn May 2021
You are the bleach searing my eyes,
The blade entering my veins,
The truth behind my silver lies,
And the silent screams of my pains.

Necessary but unwanted…
Or was it wanted but unnecessary?
Now it’s just a still ballroom, long haunted.
Ghosts and specters dominate the ferry.

Once a burning memory
Now a fading sheet of music.
Silence carries no remedy,
Besides the voice of your mimic.

You broke through my inaudible screams,
Now you linger amongst my deepest dreams.
This goes all over the place, doesn’t it? I wrote it last night then passed out while writing the note. For context, the speaker is talking to the writer.
127 · Dec 2019
Robbed blind
Ayn Dec 2019
Robbed of my money,
Robbed of my well being,
Robbed of my hatred towards pain,
Robbed of my sight; my moral compass.

They stole it all,
And left me with nothing.
Nothing but black and blue bruises,
As well as a few red cuts littered over my body.

I wanted it all back,
But how could I ever ask?
They are horrible people all around.
Unreasonable and unpredictable are the defining words.

As I moved on, with time,
I found none of it ever healed,
None of it. The may have cuts gone away...
Yet so does the wind, but we know that the air is still there.

And so are all these ******* memories,
That cloud over my friends like viscous tar.

Why couldn’t they have just left me alone?

I still don’t know,
but since then I have grown.
I am ready for these ***** to come once more.
I hardly remember my best friend from those years because of those people. Also the line sloping for the first 4 paragraph thingies (term I’ve forgotten) was intentional.
127 · Feb 2020
Lingering Draft
Ayn Feb 2020
An arid, cold fog sets in
On the once emanating morning,
And dampens our planet once more.

A wet, ebon oaken wood bench lies
In the place where the usual bench rests.
And the grass glows an affluently ardent amber,
Drowning out the sulfuric gray clouds.

On this day I look and wish
That someone was by my side,
And we could share
This gloomily wet,
Yet so intensely vibrant
Visage of life.
This sight was witnessed last week, but the poem was written Feb.10.2020 (that’s today).
127 · Dec 2019
5. Don’t You See?
Ayn Dec 2019
Don’t you see,
The ruby red blood?
We love the pain, you and me.
Bother sides of me are mud
So we should just let it out dude
I love that we can finally get on the same page
I love the blood, i love the cuts crude
Now that we bleed, we have left that cage
We are truly free, flying above all
Not listening to anyone’s pleas
No matter how much the beckon or call
To us they are nothing more than fleas
You shouldn’t trust them, ever.
Just trust me, I’m your benevolent endeavor.
All these poems were written on the same day. Oh yeah, if any of you are in the least bit confused, don’t hesitate to drop ur confusion in comments or in the spatial void, I may or may not get it either way, but I’ll try fix the confusion.
126 · Jan 2021
Untitled
Ayn Jan 2021
Shrouding every waking breath,
And stifling my sickened cough;
Weakening me.
Forcing broken promises,
And dealing only half-truths,
Making my regret vile.

I wish I could’ve met you,
I would’ve saved some face.
But your face is mine.
And your mind,
Well it’s on the same line.

There is no solving you.
Believe me,
I’ve tried it too.
Only in avoidance
Will I save myself
From your remnants.
126 · Oct 2021
Glistening Stone Oceans
Ayn Oct 2021
Within a single moment
An overflow of deterioration
Causes time to stop and ponder;
A single instance in time
where all that exists is inverted
and silence finally reigns once more.
"Just listen to the noises / Null and void instead of voices"
from 'Through Glass' by Stone Sour
126 · Feb 2020
Formalities
Ayn Feb 2020
Forming together
As if in a curt whisper,
The gnarled shadows
Poke and ****
At the glimmering snow.

The moonlight
Politely beckoning the wind
To provide these shadows delight.

They giggle in the nip and tickle
Of the seemingly stagnant breeze,
But they bore of its humor
As the wind’s imposing air
Dissipates with growing unconfidence.

The snow’s silky silver sheen
Is shaded by the gnarled green.
The moon’s reflectant piercing light
Prevades this stagnantly silent night.
I wish there was snow on the ground.
125 · Jan 2021
Endurance
Ayn Jan 2021
The purest expiration;
The train has left the station
There’s no need to lie it out
There’s no need to contain it
It’s just a small remainder;
What’s left of our container
But shattered resonation?
A silenced inhibition
Led me to emotion.
There’s no thoughts to control,
This mind just isn’t whole.
Idek
125 · Jan 2021
Untitled
Ayn Jan 2021
As we make this mess whole,
We look into the distance, intoxicated
By the silent, corrupt vessel.
A terror once prominent, now abated.

A sickness soon to grow,
But the infection has long sat, dormant.
Break the dam, beckon in the flow,
And watch as we sing our silent lament.
My parents seem to be under the impression that I’m a closeted transgender. I’m trying to figure out how to tell them that dudes are allowed to like cute stuff too ****.
124 · Jan 2021
Isles
Ayn Jan 2021
As I look beyond the ocean,
The horizon’s phantasmic light
Reflects a midnight’s oasis
Of never ending stars;
A planetary pastel painting
This distantly endless expanse,
Bringing color to my eyes,
And life to the world.

It’s this lightly salted bliss
Which I’ll come to miss.
No matter how much I move forward,
I’ll wish “once more” to see this.
I really do feel this way. I doubt I’ll be on the ocean much when I set off on my own. Even in the far off chance that I become rich (but hopefully not famous), I’ll live in an ok house that’s not on the ocean. I’m not into all this “big house, expensive stuff, nice car” *******. I just need what I can make-do with.
123 · Dec 2021
Welcome Home
Ayn Dec 2021
As the life in your eyes began to fade
I saw you wings decay,
Like a autumn marsh
Turning from amber to beige.

Everything you had was lost,
Yet you fight remains;
An inferno among the flames.

You rose, an empress among the monarchs,
And finished, a champion among winners.

You’re a falcon in the wind,
A ruler of your world.
You never lost home, and now you’re here.

Welcome home.
123 · Nov 2021
Nameless Echoes
Ayn Nov 2021
From the void a voice calls out;
A warm greeting once again.
Inside my body desires to roar,
Let out a vibrant call of vitality.

You walk in like flowers,
Yet leave me pinned with daggers.

You say life won’t get any harder,
Then nail me to my cross,
Making my emotions your martyr.
Sometimes your actions confuse me. Sometimes i wish you’d realize for a second what’s really going on, so i can stop denying myself of this emotion. Everything we do together doesn’t help me fix myself at all… it just makes it all worse.
122 · Apr 2021
Untitled
Ayn Apr 2021
As the clock continues
Its everlasting tick,
The candle begins to sing.
Weaving words of spider silk,
Leaving a trail of scentless smoke
Through the silent night.
122 · Jan 2021
Vicarious
Ayn Jan 2021
Through the open door;
Tapped open by the playful prairie breeze,
Comes a man.
This man has a story, as does everyone else.
However, for this striding figure,
Standing tall and slightly large,
There was neither need nor reason
To share a time long past.

His clothes were out of season,
And poorly fitting for the time of day.
A collared purple shirt,
Decorated with tropical floral
Wore him like a flirt.
Velvet pants, shimmering with each step,
Electrified his egotistical stride.
With wrinkles like a rocky outcrop,
And colors most abhorrent today,
The sluggish outfit was complete.

Jaunting up the the well-loved counter—
Tended to by well-hated men—
And slowing by a slight amount
For those unlucky enough to cross his path,
He rested an older, pudgy hand
On the exposed splinter board.
All it took was a small glance
From this month’s wretched clerk
To set this man in motion;
“A pack o’ Marlboros and a coke...
Make sure it’s cold.”

An inaudible sigh—
I doubt anyone else heard the forsaken utterance—
echoed silently from the clerk’s unmoving lips.
Full of despair, this uniformed creature stepped back,
Turning his mind towards the cigarettes,
One of the many things he longed
But could never have.

Opening the case, and picking a carton,
He placed the weathered box upon the stressed counter.
The worst of the bunch... that’s why this one is hated.
After a couple of seconds,
The world, as if once trapped in stasis,
Was shattered back into movement.

The offending hand, wrinkled and haired,
Belonged to the confident customer.
“And the coke?”
He questioned, the corrosion leaking from his words.
“Oh... sure.”
The clerk mumbled in reluctant submission.
The cowardly one dropped to a kneel,
Pulling the coke out of an old icebox—
It was probably his—
And placed it lightly on the counter,
Not daring to shake the time bomb.
After the amount was rung through,
And a grimy $6.76 was paid in full,
Two hands—well known by now—
Seized the chemicals like it was his right...
And it was, because he bought that death.

Strutting out of the store,
his slimy hands slipped into his packet,
Drawing out his heroic match,
Like Excalibur from the stone.
A simple strike along the rusted doorframe,
And a smoldering cigarette later,
We gazed as a lit match was thrown back;
It’s fall like a clock of death,
Slowly ticking towards the man,
Bearing down beyond the corners
Of those sharp yet simple eyes.
I watched this kind of scene unfold as I wrote it. It was fun to write. It sure as hell took a bit. And there are no edits, like usual. I wrote what I wanted, so yeah.
120 · Dec 2019
Festive Feelings
Ayn Dec 2019
Christmas time is right around the bend,
Just next week, I can no longer pretend.
My wallet is stretched thin, I’ve got none to lend.
And the stress builds up as I lose another friend.

The anxiety builds up,
block on top of shadowy block,
The tower’s ominous loom increases
As the season steadily progresses.

Oh, I remember the Christmases
So so many years ago.
When I wanted a white Christmas,
But I never got to have
A powdery blanked covering
My especially festive day.

Now I yearn.
I yearn for not the white Christmas;
The one I cared about then.
I yearn for a delightfully red Christmas.
The one that gives my arm quite the treat.
I yearn to see liquid rubies atop my wrists,
And feel the flame festively flicking my toes.

Christmas is a day of giving,
Therefore I shall give and receive,
Be the bringer of my own serenity,
And feel the flame once more.

Am I just pain’s *****?
Started writing about Christmas, zoned out somewhat, finished the poem, looked back and asked myself how I ****** up a cheery Christmas poem so much. Also, sorry if the term in the last line offends anyone.
120 · Feb 2020
Bound
Ayn Feb 2020
Strung together
Like a patchwork quilt,
Bound by a thin thread.
On top of this, a world was built.
But the thread, hued blood red
Was not strong enough
To survive the scissors
In which this girl
Had brought to my world.
The heart can be gold
But gold is a heavy metal,
Or so I’m told.
119 · Dec 2019
4. You’re F**king Insane
Ayn Dec 2019
You’ve gone insane, I’ve gone insane
We are two in one so we both are as such
Listen to yourself, you cannot live without the pain
I don’t get why you love the bliss so much
I know it feels so great
I know it’s extremely addicting
But it also carries a lot of emotional weight.
we’ve stopped feeling the pain we are inflicting
Is that a problem? We could find another spot
Stop. Get out of my head
You are a ****, you mentally weigh me down a lot
I just need to forget, to lie in bed
You make me fight this endless strife
Just shut up, all I want anymore is my knife
If you’ve gotten this far and haven’t decided that I’m mental, good job bc I promise I’m not. Anyways, these are close to internal arguments that I’ve had in my head during this time.
119 · Dec 2019
8. Conclusion
Ayn Dec 2019
I know this didn’t happen, but it is how I am currently, i think.

Who am I?
I am me,
I am not to die
I am free.
I have not bled
I have cried
I have fled
I have lied
I killed myself
I killed that half
I killed it for good health
I killed it so i never have to experience it’s wrath.
I experienced the pain of life’s cruel counterpart
I experienced it all without dying
I experienced the pain of never losing heart
I experienced it all and I’m still standing
The top bit was in italics, but that doesn’t carry over well. I kept it there for the irony because 2 months later I tried to **** myself one last time before I came clean out of it. (this was written jun 9 2019)
119 · Dec 2019
Time Bomb
Ayn Dec 2019
Everyone is a ticking time bomb.

Tick tick tick

Each word I make another mistake

Tick tick tick

I feel like I am about to break

Tick tick tick

My well being is in their control...

Tick tick

The day is almost over

Tick tick

I’ve angered them once again

Tick tick

I don’t know what I did

Tick tick

But today,
I’m going up in flame,
Like every day before,
Can’t they just let me go?

TICK

The bell marks the end of another day,

BOOM

Once again
I lie in my blood,
Propped against a cold brick wall,
Wondering what I have done
To deserve all of this pain.
Everyone still is a time bomb in my head. If I do something wrong, they’ll blow. I dedicate this to all the ******* ******* who made me this way.
118 · Oct 2021
Crawl
Ayn Oct 2021
Stand up or crawl.
Seething pervasive emotion
Burning like an open wound.
Sores and pains erupt throughout
But life’s tenacity carries you forth.
Your mind is blazingly empty;
Save one thought: the end goal.
The pain threatens to corrupt you more,
But your burning strive fends off its toll.

There’s nothing left but the finale;
A desire so strong, nothing else remains.
A scream of intense vitality;
Silencing the waves; soothing the pains.
117 · Jan 2020
Abstraction
Ayn Jan 2020
Sifting through the simmering desert of time,
The golden sand reflects the open sun,
Making this a bright, golden hellscape.
The sun scalds my damp body,
Donating my pale skin a rosy sheen.
I don’t know where I’ve come from, or where I’ve been,
But I know that all I can do is sift further,
And grimace with each step on the scalding sand,
Hoping to leave this golden hell,
And traverse to a green heaven.
A green heaven would be a forest in this case. This is a bit ironic because in the older puritanical belief, the forest was the home of the devil.
117 · Dec 2019
6. I’m Stopping
Ayn Dec 2019
You need to leave now
I’m not doing this anymore
I don’t feel the urge. I don’t know how.
I’m not submitting to that pain, I’m not it’s *****
If i end this, so do you.
Or even better, just leave.
It will be better for the both of us if you do.
I know you want my pain every time I breathe
It’s hard to stop, i know we both love it
The reassurance of the cold knife and hot pain
It’s quite a nice thing to do before a potential fit.
There is just too much that i can gain
I don’t wanna stop but i know I should
I don’t need any help though, it’s all good.
If you’re reading these out of order, find the collection on my profile and read them in order, they’re all there.
117 · Jan 2021
Untitled
Ayn Jan 2021
Arriving with an air
Of delicate stillness,
The cold slips between our fingers,
Much like the marsh mud I threw
As a young child,
Or as the years of my life
That disappeared before me.
Yeah idk where I was going with this it’s 10 degrees outside rn (yes, degrees F, it’s below zero in Celsius)
117 · Dec 2021
Untitled
Ayn Dec 2021
How many small lies
Have I imprinted
How many are left?
116 · Feb 2020
Connections
Ayn Feb 2020
A house is a home,
But only if one makes it so.
In a home,
You can drip emotion,
Free of care or conservation.
In a house
There’s no lack of protection,
But the loneliness becomes an infection.

I have a house,
But I want to make it home.
116 · Nov 2019
Words Make Wings. [pt. 2]
Ayn Nov 2019
I once thought I was flying,
through the delightful air
soaring with freedom.

In all truth...
it was a lie.

From who I was back then,
I for sure,
was flying in a world of bliss.
A stone cold sky,
burning indefinitely all the while,
the sky was red and black,
my body was crumbling
into the charred ashes
that I considered my worth.

I flew under the world,
riding on flaming blue pain.
My lead wings were a burden,
dragging me below the earth,
giving me a comfortable hellscape,
The only place I called home.

The blue flame of pain had engulfed me,
and the lead wings of my blade dug deeper.

To shed them was to carve out a part of me.
This connects to part 1, as well as Blissfully Blue.
116 · Jan 2020
Shining West
Ayn Jan 2020
Stepping out
Of the shadowed veil,
And Pulling off
The masquerade mask,
The sun beckons dawn forth.
Thought of while washing my hands. Odd time to think of poetry. Jan.10.2020
115 · Feb 2021
Untitled
Ayn Feb 2021
Your silent hypocrisy;
A now faded memory.

Wishing for well
With directions to hell,
Purifying me
With oil and flame.

We weren’t meant to be,
Yet you still reside, now tame.

It’s only a matter of time
Before you rise from the grime.
The more I become less myself, the more it splits away from me, and teaches me all of the wrong ways to cope, under a ruse of helping me. It is too unlike me to be inside of me, yet it is there.
115 · Jan 2020
Unfiltered Sun
Ayn Jan 2020
A dulling gold plain
split into many pieces
by the high tide water.
The water flows steadily,
a rather small motion
that breaks the illusion
of stagnant salty ice.

the concrete bridge
stands like a gravestone;
marking the time of old,
and barely intact
to see the present hour.

The unfiltered sun
shines ever so brightly,
as if a golden amber blanket
is lain caringly upon
this dead winter marsh,

giving it light,
giving it life.
that bridge is kinda old... I honestly hope it doesn't collapse soon I think it says 1919 on it. I never noticed how beautiful this marsh was until today.
114 · Jan 2022
forgiveness
Ayn Jan 2022
An unseen gesture,
It’s meaning left to speculation.
Our silent words drop like sunshine
Onto an amber autumn field,
Treating our long-forgotten wounds.
Treat others the way you would like to be treated. I have long ago forgiven you, but I won’t forget you. You have not forgiven, and you will not forget. What more do I have to do to set things right?
114 · Jan 2022
Untitled
Ayn Jan 2022
Echoes permeate the muffled air,
Bringing the song of life
To this old barren landscape.

Ripples in the water
Beckoning the snowfall,
Like the call of death
To an unsuspecting passerby.
114 · Jan 2021
Untitled
Ayn Jan 2021
Streaks of rose-gold radiance
Elevate the scarlet plateau.
Through watching skies,
And ethereal cries,
The peak of the world draws near.

When all’s said for all to hear,
A hidden motive is made clear.
There’s no reigning power
As pervading as our fear.
114 · Feb 2021
Untitled
Ayn Feb 2021
Dancing to the music
Which has long ended,
Static replaces
The now distorted confusion
Leaving a shimmering illusion.

Forgetfulness is an imperfect crime,
And so I truly am
Everywhere at the end of time.
“Everywhere at the End of Time” - The Caretaker
113 · Jan 2020
Rebel's Words
Ayn Jan 2020
Little lamb, little lamb.
Run along little lamb.
Just try to remember that
life is a ******* sham.
It honestly is quite a shame,
how you continue to persist
and take part in their game.

The cards were marked from the start,
yet you still innocently play along,
getting ****** over by men with no heart.
In this story, You're the main part!
so go **** the men with souls of stone,
hone your weapon, make it your own,
and tear them apart, skin from bone.
found it in my math book. I wrote it mid December I think. very angry
113 · Dec 2019
Apparently...
Ayn Dec 2019
Lets say the case that
"you are what you eat" is true...
I'm a cannibal.
No, I am not a cannibal.
Note to self: clean laptop screen at some point... ugh its gross.
113 · Feb 2021
Untitled
Ayn Feb 2021
Hold the rain;
Follow the fall,
Catch it before the splash.

Little umbrellas
Are all I have
Lay upon the grass
And feel the silencing grasp.

Live vicariously
Through my rain;
Through my pain.
111 · Jan 2020
Cowardice
Ayn Jan 2020
I’m such a coward
I run and hide from opportunity.
My regrettable cowardice
runs through my blood fluidly,
Causing my own grief.

Maybe if I was brave,
Life would’ve been better.
But I am a coward,
And I could never be proud
Of where it put me now.
Ugh. I’m a ******* coward. I hate how it just builds on my social anxiety and introversion, making everything social for me much harder.
111 · Jan 2020
Nighttime view
Ayn Jan 2020
Moonlight drizzles upon my lawn,
Tinting the grass with its
quicksilver luminescence.

The scattered clouds,
Drifting rapidly overhead in the
Almost nonexistent wind
Beckon in a tempest,
Shearing away the calm tension
That once roamed my yard.
Looking at the sky and yard from my deck looked pretty cool.
111 · Mar 2021
Untitled
Ayn Mar 2021
The darkness brings comfort
With a touch of suffocation.
All’s not unwell, though,
For he exists too
Within this space made for two.
Silently peering,
Deathly fearful of rest
Or of a loss of control.

Both of us are but mere parts
To a far greater whole.
Is it really better? Can I state thar with confidence? No, and no.
111 · Jan 2020
reflections
Ayn Jan 2020
The moon reflects
the sun's simmering shine
onto our planet's nightly shade,
just as the sun
reflects her circulating radiance
onto my darkening world.
Written in math class again. It's been a wild week for me with workload so that's why I haven't been posting as much. I haven't had time to do what I love, which *****, but school is important.
111 · Feb 2020
Apologies
Ayn Feb 2020
It's a game
where all the players
try to be the most sorry,
making them victim
of their guilt
3
5
7
5
3
like a haiku, but not. I'm very prone to saying sorry a lot, sometimes I don't mean it, I just react out of fear.
110 · Dec 2020
Untitled
Ayn Dec 2020
In soft light,
Veiled by the air itself
Sits turquoise waters,
Emitting an aged gray
Towards distant eyes.

A soundless world,
Save the bubbles of noise
Which harbor life as we know ir.

The water’s gentle gale
Pushing lopsided blades
Towards a clashing sea;
Tossing them around the current.
110 · Dec 2021
Untitled
Ayn Dec 2021
You tease and toss me,
Beckon destruction and strife.
You apologize for nothings,
And terrorize my way or life.

Your motives are unclear,
The emotion you hold is invisible;
Silent poetry which I can’t hear.
But why do you belong here?
Why do I allow you to stay when all you do is harm. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t even know what you think. I’ve never been less confident in knowing how someone feels than when I’m around you. I’m afraid of what you’ll do to me. I’m afraid of what I’ll do to you. If you’re anything like what I think, I’m just going to hurt you in the end. I’m sorry.
109 · Feb 2022
Untitled
Ayn Feb 2022
As we fade beyond the horizon,
I sleepily sink into your eyes.
When the golden stars scar the skyline,
I’ll become one of your silent lies.
109 · Feb 2022
Untitled
Ayn Feb 2022
Like a flicker of wind,
Sparking against my skin;
The moonlight fades
And she is gone once again.
109 · Jan 2021
Untitled
Ayn Jan 2021
Youthful spring,
Slowly drawing itself towards winter.
We wish it would stay forever,
But time grows old,
As all things do,
And barren days
Arrive in a haze.

All seems lost and lifeless,
But hope is not yet futile,
Because spring lies beyond
The approaching horizon.
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