I'm insatiable  
I'm also soo fragile
with a uniqueness  all my own,
I am not superficial  and yet the contradiction would be paying bills on time and having material things matters  to me,
I have a vibrant will plus my spirits
strong too,
I love hard and fierce
I have ambitious desires  wants needs and goals,
I'm anxious  and have this deep longing,
an unquenchable thirst  almost obsession  like to express who
I truly am
yet
I'm
frighten ..
I want to be held yet don't always like being touched ,
I want conversation  yet like the peace of  quite,
I want to go out yet being in public scares me sometimes.
Somethings  make me shy even if I've done em  plenty of times,
Sometimes
I wanna eat out instead I'll  cook and then eat in bed,
I no longer wish to be a pet owner but no one will take care my half blind and semi deaf dog like me or any of the other 3
Who
like me have social anxiety,  
I like my independence  
but the
contradiction here is
I also
love being clingy  
I like kissing
yet rarely do and
when I do so I don't give my all, I want to learn knew moves  yet feel I know enough.
  I'm expressionistic; it may not be a word but it's the best way to describe  me
I want rough
***
but doubt I can go for hours
may not even last minutes
I also want to go slow ant take my time
learn something as I've previously  said.
I want gentle strong hands to keep me safe in their protectiveness
Let me be free in my mix of independence  & clingy
Accept  me
my tormented  brokenness
&
all my imperfections
I want to be more than why I am now and like most
I'M scared of changed
the scars
Run Deep
deep into my bones
Borne Into My Soul
meshing and mending into my heart
Even deep groves soaked into my broken pieces
like craving
deep into wood
deeper still to my roots
I want someone else to come do the work and fix me
Heal me
but knowing my journey
would make full grown men
run away  
I face this on my own.
I know I have to fix myself and heal
but who ever said
I'd have to do it
*Alone?

SO BROKE

I CAN'T PAY ATTENTION

SO BROKE

I AIN'T GOT NO SENSE
(CENTS)

SO BROKE

IVE ALLOWED
YOU HERE

WHEN I REALLY
SHOULDN'T

SO BROKE

I STRUGGLE
JUST TO GET AHEAD
AHEAD OF THE GAME

HEAD OF THIS LIFE
WHICH DRAGS ME DOWN

SO BROKE

I DON'T
LET ANYONE IN

SO BROKE

TO WHERE
I NO LONGER
KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

BROKE

ENOUGH THAT
I DON'T WANT TO
BE WITH ANYONE

YET THE
CONTRADICTION
IS
I REALLY DO

I WANT HIM TO STAND BY ME

HELP ME MEND THESE
BROKEN
PLACES WITHIN ME

SHOW ME SOMETHING
SO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

SOMETHING TO WHERE
I'D BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN

TO WHERE THOSE BROKEN PARTS
ARE SEWN BACK TOGETHER  

SOMEONE WHO'D SEE ME
MOST BEAUTIFUL

HE'D KEEP HIS WORD ALWAYS
HOLD ME NO
MATTER IF WE HAVE ***
OR NOT

HE'D TALK IT OUT
AND NOT WALK AWAY

HE'D TELL ME HIS DEEPEST
DARKEST SECRETS SHARE
EVERY PART OF ME

HE WOULDN'T
EVER CHEAT LIE OR STEAL

HE WOULD BE WHAT MY DREAMS
AND FANTASIES WERE MADE OF

LIKE I CONJURED HIM UP
AND MADE HIM REAL

OUR *** LIFE

WOULD BE
EVERYTHING

IVE EXPECTED
AND
BEYOND

AND
IT WOULDN'T BE
ALL ABOUT HIM

I'D GET TO
FINISH TOO

INSTEAD OF

CONSTANTLY
PRETENDING

I HIT MY PEAK

YEAH

THAT'D BE NICE

BUT UNTIL THEN
I GUESS ILL BE

  SO BROKE

I'm not going to do this
             I tried too many times
                    I'm not scared any more
                                          I just don't want the hassle
                      of all that
                   comes with YOU
                        I don't trust YOU
                      I don't trust anyone  
          blame my past
from childhood
to adulthood
            Blame my last ex
                                    he did the same as YOU
                                               looked me in my face
& lied
               Lying YOU though
                                        YOU actually believe
                                                    the ****
                                      that comes out
                                     your mouth and
    be mad
                           cuz I don't fall for it
                                            I long ago knew
     we shouldn't
of stuck together
                    as we did
                I settled for less
                      of what I deserved
                 because
I felt for a spell
                       I'd be enough  
My apologies
      My mistake
              My fault
       **IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN

I cried for the litter girl who still hangs on to a spark of hope, the teen girl who waits for daddy to come
the woman that sits up in the dark wondering where her husband might be since hes been out of work since 5 pm and its now 5 am with no sign of him coming in

I had a love once who got on a plane and found happiness with out me and then I stayed settled with someone who I knew couldn't ever love me not in the ways I've always needed to be loved so for a while I allowed it

I took a lover after begin alone for years  sadly I couldn't give him all of me, I've been torn down cast aside put down and made to feel I'm worthless that lil girl that wife and mother longing for her own yet not found it yet

Been abused and beat to where life had no meaning and has nothing to offer yet im to afraid to stop living yet to this lil girl inside this is not living this is just existing

I want to be loved again where I feel safe  and wanted needed and desire made love to until my longing goes away .

fairy tales are real I've held it once and didn't know what to do with it mental health be ****** I deserve my happy ending!

I watched as the
leaves changed
as
I change too

I felt lips slowly
caressing me
felt too
my hand wrap around
your broad shoulders
silly me
I forget my self
seem foreign accents
have a way of making me forget
or
was it in the way you kiss
which has me
loosing what senses I've got left

My body hasn't felt like
this and if t did
I doubt I'd forget

Forgotten from years ago when
someone like you during
November
held me
just like this
and
left traces of kisses
down my spine
but I messed it up
I couldn't
believe someone
like him
loved me
so yup I messed it up

Here we are
you & I
and
before we let it get too far
Just give me
what I came here for

Dance with me
our lovers dances
touch me slowly

Sensually splay
your palm on my breast
wrap your fingers in my hair
tilt my head back

Devour
my mouth with yours
as
you slide your other hand
over my plump belly
trace each stretchmarks
with your fingers

We've stopped

I pause
You look down at me
I'm panting  
your breathing heavy

You're starring intensely
at me with those  
beautiful  mesmerizing
lapis  blue eyes

mesmerizing

my breath stops
and
I'm lost within them
I can't even look away

You stand up
towering over me  
still gazing at me
with such
longing
as if
I'm the only one in the
world

I can't take it anymore
but
before I drop my gaze you scoop me up
into your arms

No words have been spoken but I know whats to come
We've been taunting and teasing one another for
days weeks and months

*Pressing our bodies up against one another
every time we got together

May's long gone and
after waiting from then
til November

Seven months
hmm
one of us is about to be in trouble
&
I think it's me

Time passes
and
all we're doing is clinging to one another
the air between us
is electric

We did this to each other
we've allowed it
to build up
so much and now
the moments here

I'm nervous

it's been such a long long time

Effortless you hold my weight
up in the air within your arms
my legs
automatically
wrap around
your thick masculine waist

I wish I knew
how you did it
stripping my clothes and yours

honestly  
I can't remember
how we ended up
undressed

All I remember
is
your administrations
to my person
&
how you
*kissed    licked  ******
almost every part of me

so delicately
so sensually
&
how your fingers
played with me

melting me from the inside out
and
how your
massive manhood
stretched me
as
you continued
your
delicious assault

UMMM

I haven't called you since
I haven't replied to your texts
It's not easy for me
but you'll not understand

I'm no good for you
I hurt those who seem to
genuinely care for me

Specially men
I've not had good
experiences with em

So when you
come as you are
with those
beautiful lapis blue eyes

I know
I'd get lost in you

lost
in what
we could of been
No could
not
of been
or
ever be again

because
I'd be a shell of myself

I'd find somehow
some way to
**** it up

I doubt you can relate
because
you don't
understand
but
trust me

I've seen
what you were
* asking*
without words
ever being spoken

So before
we go there
I'd rather not

Let's end it
as we did
and
PLEASE*
remember
we'll always have
**November

I admit
most times
I don't know what I'm doing....


Traded one
for something that refuses to grow
no matter how much
I tried to nurture it,

how did I figure it'd work,
when every part of my being
was screaming ; 

 "girl don't you do IT".

I did it....

I felt
I hadn't any choice,
I lost it all already
and
seemed the course
was set for me
with out me
making up my mind .

I did it....

I should of reconsidered

but for what and for whom?

I was alone
longing and now

I'm stuck,
trapped

longing  
for protective arms
to hold me
stead of
pushing me away.

Pointing fingers
constantly accusing
but
never to touch me
gentle or rock my body
slowly
with any affirmation of love,*

not your love; yours is toxic,

hurtful
demanding

manipulative,
and
always has me crying....  

   still......

I did it.

Now
I have nothing left
but regrets
more broken promises and this....

This

wedding ring.