I want to know why...

all I keep thinking about is how could you love me
so immensely;
so intensely;
so sensual;
so seductively;
so intimately,
and yet all we are is
friends!?

I want to know how can you touch me
to where my bones shake and my flesh craves you, so much so that I'd be happy to take ya last name!?

Why kiss me and put your soul into everything you do to me?

 Your spirits on a  rampage and it ran through my body like a tornado mixed with a rumbling lustful hurricane!!

My eyes watch you and what your administrations , they see every thing and my silly fickled heart lurches forth as you enter in and out of me - pounding rhythmically like African drums as you make me ******;.  


while you're kissing me; ******* me - touching my very essence with your  fingers amongst other things.

 while you're all over me and yet all we are is friends!?


More than friends with benefits and I never offered that - so how'd we end up thusly hmmmm!?

I never offered to be a FWD
Because I know my heart's  toooo precious and my body and souls toooo delicate to attempt it,

I'd be defeated before we ever got this close & this far
yet here we are
Just the two of us - me and you.

You said let's take our time and see where things go, but as it's going -
it's flowing in a different way  that I've not expected- obviously with me as ya sacrificial lamb; spread out on a mouth watering platter .

Funny thing is I'm saying NO as  I allow you to lead me down your rabbit hole;  flipping me upside down in 69 positions  and then some

My tantric- karama sutra king.

You're causing havoc on my heart and my mind
******
you're sexually destroying my inner peace because you've got me  "a'****'ed"
yes there's a compromise to be had cuz my addiction for you differs from being
A'DICKED!!! 

 I'll explain: my body wants you; my heart craves your inner beauty;  my Honeywell desire all that you give, but my mind&soul longs for a commitment!  
Can you understand & see there's a difference?

I'm speaking from my spirit.

You got me caught up, wrapped up in your swirling embrace.
You're suicide
and
heart break  
but
I can't get enough & won't let go.

The weight of your body's pressed against me - down on me as your muscles stand tight and taunt leavinf me breathless
And it feels so right like yo. you're home to me but we're just
friends!?

The ways  you say my name has me delirious  and giddy.
I light up at the sound - everytime you moan it out, shivers go through me.

Ugh see that right there - that smile, don't do it.

I watch  how you touch every part of me, from
licking my toes ,
to kissing my lips,
from ******* on my fingers,
to moving my hips,
from dipping in and out
and out and in.

That's that **** that has me trapped & tripping all over THIS
friendship & myself
and I never want it to end.

Mmman oh man you really don't know, you be making me lose control of my senses& my ******* mind!!!

Tell me how?

Tell me why!?

Why would you do this to me?

Why would you allow yourself to open yourself up as you do and be so vulnerable with me;

beautifully so, I'm sure you know the effects you have on me;
it sends me to my knees .

Babe you're my walking waking dreamlike fantasies!

I'm worried,
scared even to think of all the possibilities!

Yo you quench all my desires and solidified my dreams.
You've made almost everyone of them come true .

My cups spilling  to overflowing with your loving
Sadly not your
love

So
why you holding me so tight
so intimately and we're hugging and held up in ya house
like this!?
it's unrealistic
it'll turn explosive,
my worrying heart
says for me to stop
but
everything you do is effective & messy
yet fun which tells me maybe
I should run and never look back but didn't I tell you I'm addicted ("a'dicked").

Yo ya got that  charismatic persona,

ya shy-boyish smile drive me wild.

You're skillful I'll give you that, but why you play so hard to get when we already have what we have!?


You stroke the core of me to my spirit with your own,

As you lay deep inside me and love me down in every possible way;  you spoiled me and tamed me while letting me spoil you. Yet we're just friends huh.
So much so that ya ravish my body and you let me wreck havoc in your senses and drink in your essence.

You and I play &  tease, tasting one another but you refuse to open up to me.

I **** myself up every time you're near.
Playing this love making game with our wicked deed.  

Tell me why do you explore me like a new  toy with your mischief curiosity concurring me like a new undiscovered land
hmm & we're just friends huh!?

You have this ability to see right through me to see to the heart of me
the parts I hide and ya say I'm reserved meant only for a specific person must be you huh.

And yet you hold yourself aloft, ya hold yourself off; you keep yourself at a distant where I find myself trying to reel you in; ya not giving too much and I wonder why is that!?

How can I get around that wall,
how can I climb that fence,
how can I penetrate that space-  a place where few others have been!?

I find it funny- sadistically so, yet  I find it downright obnoxious and wicked- that you do this to me and I have no one else to blame but myself because I can say no at any time and yet when you look at me with those beautiful hazel eyes I get weak;

I melt for you & melt into You!

I fall for you and I stumble-somehow you always catch me!

ahhhhhh

All I can do is ask you why?

Why do you
do this to me!?

I'm trying so hard not to put my feelings into it; but every touch;  
every stroke;
every kiss;
every hug;
every bite and evey delicious pounding  
spins me right round back to you.

Ya massive member fills me up and I take it all even when I believe I cannot.

Look
look how good we fit
look how we mesh soul & flesh...

I can't help it- this friendship is more than I've expected.

It seems you got me- naw I got me loosing control.

*** I don't know what to think or how to feel.

**** I'm loosing it,
I'm totally confused- is this Love or is this lust!?

All I need to know is Why.

*Why me?

He promised*  to take me away to a place - where he could  *love me.

*Each time he touched me I believed in his words; in his world I felt safe

I was held in place with a promise ; with his touch.

His eyes witnessed the most vulnerable parts of me;
the me I hide from the world.

Why?

Why didn't he stop himself; why did he say the most ****** up **** to make me weak;

what's wrong with all this ;  what's wrong with me???

He doesn't forsake me.

Least not  in the middle of the night in those sweet moments.
He's stolen my mind;

it's filled with thoughts of him & images of us; us in the chair; us on the counter;

us up against the wall;

I'm delirious, my minds failing me just as my body betrayed me.

*With images of him - lifting me up; all the way up, my ; legs wrapped around his neck;

he stand there holding me as if I weight nothing - as he drinks his fill of my essence.

I moaned ;  he whisperers he loves me ,  he loves my body;  he tells me I'm  beautiful.

Why?

Why did he make this ugly...

His laugh resonates in my heart ; I hear it all the time ; he's not here though.

I don't know what to tell myself
and I know
now
*He was never here.

It's all just an illusion.

Because;

He promised*  
to take me away to a place- where he could
  love me.
( But I'm still here & he's not)

I smell him in my hair ;  
his scent
lingers on my skin ;  
on my sheets too.

The thought of us ;
our bodies

merged into one.

Reminiscing
leaves a
pleasing
ache
within me;
causing my body to crave
him all over again.

His scent

is everywhere in this room.

  Conjuring
images of our
love play.

My soul
needs him
here.

Even if it's
temporary;

I want to
and
need to
have more than just

his

scent!

You still come to me in my dreams ; Untitled ...

there's no name;  there isn't a face that I can grasp on...

you have these light colored eyes;
dark brown -blonde hair;  

Untitled...

I'm entitled to think of all the happy memories; to cherish every moment.
Why don't you have a name;
you don't have a face;

you're a multitude of different shades in these dreams ;  
having the one thing that stands out- is what you were to me;  a vague memory;  a soft kiss on my forehead;
a soft-touch caressing my back.

My secret - my dream come true;
I have no regrets!

I never even met you.
I'll dream again.

I do think of you foundly ;
A famous poet once said
"what's in a name"
I don't know;
so you'll continue to be
Untitled.

To any who'd reads,sees,watch,listen&run tell THIS: I'M at A Place IN MY LIFE WHERE I AIN'T CHANGING FOR U & NO one else. Ppl You don't change for anybody else and if you can't or WONT rock with how I am then don't ******* rock with me for anything else! Deal with me how I am not for what you "think& thought" you could change me into. I got kids grown *** and not so grown *** kids and grandkids babies, I got bills u don't pay & don't care nothing about.I got mental issues on top of some other ******* issues and some more ****; SO IF MY *** TRYING TO SHOW U IM A GO AND GROW WITH U & FIGHTING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU & I'M IN THE TRENCHES WITH YOU, WHILE HELPING yo *** CULTIVATE THIS ****- WE CALL FRIENDSHIP ROMANTIC OR PLATONIC ETC- then yo *** better not ever a day in yo life use me or try to run game on me! I'm going to love you regardless if YOURE RIGHT OR WRONG. IM A TELL U WHEN YA WRONG & yo u better tell me { NOT IN PUBLIC} EVEN THEN I GOT U BOO, BUT IF U KEEP UP THAT ******* AND IT AFFECTS ME OR MY KIDS AND all of OUR WAY OF LIVING OR hinders me from"MAKING A LIVING"; I will definitely DISASSOCIATE MYSELF FROM YO LIFE 100 %. EVERYONE knows me knows; I DON'T DO DRUGS & don't go round no one WHO does, not judging & I don't think I'm better THAN anyone too flawed to even ever compete... MY ONLY SO CALLED HABIT IS CIGARETTES, OF WHICH I GOT THE PATCHES FOR & SOMETIMES I LIKE TO DRINK MY WINE & WATCH NETFLIX- CHILL WITH whomever, BUT MAINLY BY MY GOT **** SELF. WHICH TOO, MOST KNOW I DON'T EVER REALLY MIND BEING OR DOING STUFF ON MY OWN! SOME PPL AIN'T GOT TO HAVE ME CUZ IM GONNA ALWAYS HAVE ME MYSELF AND I! I WAS BORN ALONE, IM GOING TO DIE ALONE &IT MIGHT BE NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE HOLD MY HAND AS I GO WHEN I GO. BUT BABY if you think or thought  I'd change for you this is your ******* wake up call! Listen; I've been in and out of foster care& group homes and in them; I was SEVERELY ABUSED, put down assulted and defamed etc. This ain't no sob story; been married a whole heep of times and went through similar **** like foster care etc with them so called men & was talked about like a dog & sometimes worse from so called family wether foster or blood etc. Ppl turned on me ,  believed lies & gave up our long standing FRIENDSHIP. I have been homeless and well off ; never rich{money wise} and have known struggles. I am sure many have similar stories; but this here is mines, I've danced on a pole and I'm not ashamed, I've worked in what I considered so called "Cooperate American", nursing& legal FIELD'S too
(white collard,blue,pink throw ups & more) lol and been to college many times. Im told by a a few psychiatrist that I'm a borderline genius but even Einstein couldn't tie his shoe without help! I have PTSD plus much more.SEEN DEATH &LOOKED IT RIGHT IN ITS FACE . WATCHED THOSE I LOVE&LOVED GO HOME TO GLORY - SOME OF EM WERE FROM MY WOMB.BEEN jumped stabbed shot at etc; I don't ******* scare easy baby and yo race don't mean **** to me unless it's you of whatever race color & Creed that's trying to do an injustice towards ME!So take me as I am or ******* delete me block me and or cut me off & outta yo life;CUZ I AINT CHANGING FOR YOU & NO one else!

My skins burns
where your hand scorched me with
* your touch
the weight of it lingers there
as if
your finger tips etched itself inside my
*DNA

The smell of you suffocates
me
that intoxicating scent
like an ever present shadow where
you
used to be

Walking down
these halls in this now quite
home *
wishing they'd talk but like  you their
silent*
dwelling
here empty in what used be us

The foundations cracked  
the paints chipping away
like faded memories of 
our first kiss

the cupboards doors need some work too  

I can't get the faucet to stop
leaking like my tears they fall overflowing
& I can't fix none of this

How do I mend
everything that's wrong &broken

Pictures hanging
crooked like the back patio steps

I almost fell
almost fell so hard
with no one to catch me  you
should of
tried
to catch me so many times

Because
I'd of broke my neck
like you've broken my heart

The foundations
cracked
the paints
chipped
chipping away

Even though
this house is falling apart
I'll find a way to fix it....

Maybe
then this house
will once more be
**HOME