I feel broken today. I feels as though everyone who looked at me saw how torn I was.  As if they were counting how many pieces of him were stuck in my skin like broken glass. Little bits and pieces stuck everywhere he touched me. How can everyone count them all the loose pieces...the deep ones. I have lost count. Though he may not be near me, that doesn't mean he doesn't have power over my everyday life. It's unfair that other little girls got to be princesses and pirates. When all I did was sleep off the bruises and ignore the yelling. But. It's my hand of cards that I was delt, and I'm going to try to do the best I can at winning this game because it's my game to win; not his and I'm ready to stand up and defeat him.

Today I stopped trying to be 'someone' for somebody who never thought of me as anyone appreciated and important to them.

Inside I know the space I had for them is now crushed and broken..

Let the facts be out in the open and the truth be spoken...

In time it will be for the best...although I feel an emptiness...knowing what I considered worthwhile..proved shallow and unreal.

I've learned sometimes emotions seem clearer than perception..and eventually can lead to a heartbreaking revelation that someone cherished proves that their friendship was in fact deception.

I cry tears of realization that once again I believed the lies that were in disguise and covered up...

Honesty was masked with coy flattery. Why was I so **** naive?

I can and will move on...but I won't forget I was forgotten and actually believed a lie. Not a lie out of the mouth...but of the heart.

That piece of friendship is now torn apart....

I mustn't be sorry for the encouragement and love I shared...because I know what I offered was itself a dare. A dare to let someone be a part of me...who didn't find a reason to care.

Moments like these are rare... moments that I feel what I felt to be 'nothing' now and bare.

Thanks for the lesson learned.
I will always remeber.
I never forget.

I don't have the heart to leave you.
So.
I'm going to make you hate me.
You say you love me with all your heart
Now.
You will forever hate me.
I know I am so very selfish.
But I'm doing this for me and you.
I have to be alone.
There is no other way.

Sometimes I ask myself why. Why am I here when all I want to do is slice my ******* wrists open and watch the blood poor out. I want to show the people who hurt me how much they did. But. I simply can't. I cant bring myself to hurt them as they have hurt me. I can't slice my wrist. No matter how much I want to. I feel so guilty. I want to but I can't. It's an endless cycle and their is nothing I can do about it.

I start this off without any words
But they will come
This is a blessing and a curse
These words and memories I wish to forget are my salvation and damnation all in one
Inside I am screaming
No one knows
No one cares
What can I do ?
Nothing
I'm tired of being mad
I'm tired of being sad
All I want to do is to say what's on my mind
I just want to scream i'm afraid if I start I will never stop
Maybe that's not a bad thing
I'm trying to explain
It really hurts my brain
Who will care? I am afraid, I am so frightened of who I am I can't speak
I am usurped by panic at the thought of another day on this drudgery that is my own existence
There are no other options …
I am described as a disaster
Because my heart has been fixed with plaster
I may not have forgiven myself for the shame
But I can't wallow in my sorrow
Because I have to make something of tomorrow
Repedily  I  regurgitate the same old sentiment of positivity and hopeless hopefulness
That I have grown so accustomed to.
“ Tomorrow is a new and better day”
“ It has to stop raining sometime”  ~ Has anyone heard “ Our thoughts determine our reality”?
So if tomorrow is another day how should I face it should it become another today ?
So why do I continue to say these things ?
For the benefits of myself ?  
Or for those who are listening.



Written by:
Amanda O’Brien