When something is lost,
As my keys were,
One searches for it
With varying degrees
Of diligence and desperation,

We trace and retrace our steps,
Looking in the same spaces
For the same thing
With the same result,
But wearier each time

Until at last the item
Is retrieved and found,
In that case by you,
Keys sun-glinting
In your hand

A wonderful shared moment,
Relief and triumph,
A happy weariness
At laying eyes upon the lost
Now found,

Yet how does it work,
This new dynamic?
Because what is lost
Is right here in my heart,
She can be hugged and yet

Be still

Utterly

Lost

So this is what desperately
Sad feels like,
Not a harsh dynamic
Jabbing pain,
No explosions or clashing swords,
Just a semi sleepless night
And a waking
Full of realisation and
An awful cloying
Mass of futility,
A physical pain clamped
About the heart,
Enough to recall
My heart attack,

Well maybe so,
The pain is ramping
So maybe heart broken
Is not just a token phrase
This time

I wake abruptly
In the early hours,
To a lungful of
Icy air,
The curtains flapping idly
In the breeze,

Fear fades as I recognise my
Darkened room,
Well known shapes
Of furniture
And shadows cast by
Newly bulbed street lights

Yet what woke me
Was and indeed remains
A mystery,
But something did,
Something lost or hiding now in
Mists of memory

Through which my minds eye
Cannot pierce,
But vaguely seen are
Edges and corners
Hovering at perceptions edge
As I roll over

And go

Back to sleep

I had a near miss
The other day,
Or at least it certainly
Felt like one

Felt the mortal coil
Slip a bit lower,
Fall a little looser
About my frame,

And although I was
Distraught at not being
Able to see my kids
Nor to set all records straight

At least I'd turned a corner
Into truth and love,
And as I closed my eyes
A final time I knew

I'd told my final Lie,
Knew I'd chosen
Truth and love
Before my final breath

I felt deaths feather
Touch my face the other day
As my racing heart
Was beating from my chest,

The faintest touch as
Azrael swept past
My parked car with
Door ajar

I felt him draw
My soul into his wake
As he passed along the road
And yet he barely paused

And though I would
Have followed him,
And left this mortal coil
Had indeed made truce with God

And implored He grant peace to
Those I wronged and for
My children
To stay safe,

Yet once he'd passed my
Soul was still within
The bounds of my automobile,
And you had brought me water

Peace eludes the twisted heart
Or callous soul,
Even when twists and callousness
Are aimed at avoiding pain,

Peace eludes the heart
Divided against itself
And the mouth with
A forked tongue

Will find no calm,
But truth delivered,
Though full of fear
And creating pain

Now therein lies
The peace of a righteous man,
Even if that truth he speaks
Is painful,

And if that truth is
Given freely
And with good intent
Even after some delay

Then that man
Can also be
Just as good
As that truth he speaks

I fell over the other day,
Silly and embarrassing really,
Also ****** painful and in truth?
Avoidable!

But it got me thinking because
I was pulling on a rope when it happened,
A rope that then gave way,
It doesn't matter how,

And as I fell
I grasped that natural fibre cord
Even harder as if it
Even then would save me

From the painful landing,
No breaking fall,
No twist or roll just falling
Holding a slack hempen line,

But we all do this in life,
We hold our dreams long past
The point where they
Even slightly may come true,

We grasp them ever tighter
Even as they slip through the fingers
Of our hearts
And lonely souls

Until we land as I did
In a heap - covered not in mud
But in the knowledge not sjust
That it is over (whatever "it" may be)

So much as that it never was

Nor in fact would ever be

You can really hurt yourself
If you hold your breath too long,
Headaches and dulled vision,
Part way to passing out with enough
Determination,
Add water and depth and a swift rise,
The bends as bubbles of gas
Form in unhelpful places,
Or swam too deep too far
And barely making the surface
That suddenly seems so far
From my feebly flapping limbs,

I guess we have all held
Our breath across the years,
Waiting on some thing or someone
To finally come good,
Or arrive or even just to be,
Somehow or somewhere or somewhen,
Breath suspended,
Life on hold just waiting with
Inextinguishable hope
Of something good,
And precious,
Worth waiting for,

Well I know I have,
And I know I have been the one,
The thing and or the circumstance
That has caused breath to be held,
And to my shame not always
Was I worth it,
But now - actually it is me with bursting lungs,
And the pain is near unbearable,
Perhaps time to let out that air with
A loud and pain filled gush,
To turn and start the swim
To shore

Some dreams are never meant

To be

A race horse lives,
Indeed is bred and cherished,
To run and to gallop and to lead the field,
To leap improbable heights
And depths,
And above all this to win,

Not to fall at the first,
Or the second,
Or the third fourth and fifth,
They are creatures of
Air and thunder,
Of flying hooves and sods of earth,

Sometimes indeed they fall,
Then rise riderless
And confused,
Unsure where to go or
Indeed how fast
Or even indeed why?

But these are gathered
Gently from the field,
And returned via expensive
Wagons to the stable,
Where lads and girls and vets
Are waiting to get them right,

A veritabe deluge of love
And care and expertise
Awaits these amazing equine
Flights of fancy,
Whatever their mistakes,
Whoever they threw from the saddle,

That partnership between
Jockey and horse breeds
Love and forgiveness
No matter the error,
No matter the pain of heart
Or soul,

But what of the horse
That breaks a leg,
That does not rise
But screams too long,
Too loud?
Alas that horse however fine,

That horse is always shot,

I fell over at the weekend,
Fell clenching a rope
That was no longer there to support
And so it didn't,
And James hit the deck with a thud,

And it hurt if I'm honest,
Knocked the wind right from me
And sent shock waves
Through every *****
Every sinew vein and muscle,

As I lay there with a
Worrying spikey pain,
I wondered whether I was damaged
Or just jarred,
Okay or out of the game,

But then the cameras came out
And so did pride
And pragmatism,
And a rapid standing up
Because - well - you know....

This is not the first time I have fallen
And probably wont be the last,
Because **** happens like that
in life and just the same in love,

Because stuff,
And people,
Will always
Let you
Down

My horse was showing so much promise,
Fit and healthy,
Much loved and admired
Fresh fed and groomed to a shine,

But a shiny coat and tack doesn't matter much,
What goes on the track counts more,
Amidst the thundering hooves
The sweat and flying turf

It's the placing at the line
That counts,
And my horse?
She fell

At the first.

Girls and ladies dream
Of and desire
A knight in shining armour,
Gallantry and bravery to
Sweep them from their feet
To a happily ever after,

But take it from
One who knows,
No knight that ever fought
For his lady
Had her back,
Has armour shining pure,

It takes sacrifice and
Mental melee - sometimes brutal
To maintain love in this desperate
War called life,
And no man did a hard day's work
Nor fought in war and

Came away unscathed and undirtied,
A true knight's armour,
Though burnished as best may be
And glittering in the sun
Has dents and gouges absent
In a woman's dreams,

Every mistake every failure
Shows in his history and
Cannot be polished out
But that he polishes what remains
Is testament to a true heart,
And a man worth keeping

I dont want to have to rescue you,
Although I always will,
If you call me for aid,

I do not wish to follow you
Over the side into
Waters deep and cold,

Although I always will,
If you call me for aid,

Dont want to save you
From self drowning,
While you fight with me,

Although I always will,
If you call me for aid,

I do want us to swim,
In waters calm and warm,
Together

I always will,
If you call me,

I have always had your back,
And if allowed
I always will,

But I'd love it most
My love,
If you were by my side.

I lost an eight year old,
I don't know where
He is but I'm pretty
Sure he's gone
For good,

Thank God for that small mercy!
He drove me mad
Controlling my ****** life,
Rude and selfish little ****,
Unbearable little ****,

I still have a hurting
Babe in arms though,
Weeping in his pain,
But he is healing fast
As I hold him to my heart

And tell him from
My adult self
That it's okay now,
He is much loved,
And all will indeed

Be well.

Like the moon I have
A dark side,
Just as everybody does,
Even the most amazing
Alabaster lady,

But the most important
Aspect of the moon's
Dark side is not
The darkness but
The mystery,

The unknown unseen
Parts of us,
However my dark has been,
Remains indeed,
Illuminated by

Self knowledge,
A new found self respect,
Self awareness,
Aware of my great worth,
And the value that I bring,

And I finally love who I am,

Now to find the one
Who will admit
They love me too,
Entirely, wholly,
Truly

From the perspective
Of improvement I can see
That there was a lot of
Darkness in me
Or mayhap more an absence
Of light,

I am not  
Nor ever have been
A bad man,
But like many "not bad men"
I have done bad things
To people that I love,

And that does not
Sit easy with me,
But looking deep inside
I can see not so much
That I have changed
As regained my true self,

It is as if that bright pure
Core in me became,
Like the hull of a vessel
At sea
Encrusted with ****
And barnacles,

A lack of awareness of
Other's needs or hurts,
A selfishness and unworthiness
Of action and attitude,
Even towards my kin
And she that I adore,

These things encrusted
My good heart,
My core,
With unworthiness
That dimmed the light
That burns within me,

I am like a sailing ship,
Emptied of loose gear and
Run up on a beach,
Masts hauled down and hull
Heeled hard over,
To expose encrusted planks

To daylight,
Then the indignity
Of scŕaping awày that ****
And in front of one I love
To boot,
But I got my brightness back

And now, like
That sailing ship,
I am newly refloated,
Reprovisioned,
In all respects ready
For sea,

And I wait for
A destination,
And - God willing - a fellow
Vessel to sail with,
Preferably in close company,
Or otherwise

Alone

I wrote that my
Eight year old
Is no longer screaming,
That a loving hand
Watered the budded rose
Deep within him
And therefore me,
And thereby changed
EVERYTHING,

Now life is like walking
Across an ancient battlefield,
I know for sure
That armed struggle
And violence took place
Right where I walk,
But now the breeze
Carries only the sound
Of bird's songs

My feet swish through
Meadow grass,
No longer mud
From Flanders fields,
I like,
No in fact I love
Walking here now,
Will you perhaps
Come walk here too?

It seems I have been fighting
One way or another
My entire life,
For justice,
Recognition,
For a chance,
Success,
To right a wrong,
To be heard,
Sometimes I have simply
Been an agent of chaos,
At war with myself or
Maybe just from habit?
I really do not know,
But this thing I do now know,

I am done with fighting,
Done with begging
And proving and supplication,
Done with over egging
The situation,
Done with self recrimination
And recrimination of other people,
Done with fighting,
Done with guilt,
Finished with manoeuvring
And tactics and strategy,
Or whatever that label is,
Ÿou either love me
Or you don't,
You will want me,
Or you wont,

I no longer need to win,
I no longer need be right,
Heck I can cope
With being wrong -
Who knew?
I just need to know,
And from that moment onward,
In very truth from this one,
One way or another
You and I
Will have peace,
Because
The wars,
Are OVER,
We have reached
Our armistice

It's  quiet here now,
The house is at peace,
Doors locked and mostly
The occupants are sleeping,

I am sitting alone on the sofa
Listening as my son
Adjusts upon his airbed
A few feet away,

This may well be
The last time I am here
With both my children,
And that saddens me,

I have a mad mother
A dysfunctional dad,
(At least they are alive)
Yet it seems a lonely life
Is just around the corner,

Not it seems worth the love of
A good woman,
Except that's not true I AM,
Its just you struggle to see

That you do

In  fact

Love

Me

Freddy Mercury sang that
These are the days of our lives,
And that legend had it oh so right!
Every day commences with
A brand new dawn, and we have seen about a thousand since we met.
I hope that we will see at least
Ten thousand more
Leading days of joy
Before I die,
Laid to rest by a lady
Who loves me

...have appeared that
I thought it was all about me,
But it truly never was,
It has always only been,
Ever about just you,

I did let my pain
Obscure my focus for
Just a little while,
But even in the midst
My intent was all on you,

Or maybe not because
You alone are merely amazing,
Loving gracious and kind,
What's got my wholehearted attention
Is actually US,

Without me or you
There is no us
For either of us to focus on
Or worry over,
Just you and I apart,

And whilst I would not
See that come to pass,
The choice my side was made
Long ago,
The choicè and the knowing

Are yours to find,
But know this lady,
We have already been
So very much for one another,
For my part the best moments in my life

For you too the best of times
As well as the worst,
But the question I would know?
How much more might we yet become?

You may not know you love me,
You may not value that love you know I bear,
You may not see the service
That I provide,
Nor desire the years of love
And dedication that I
Offered from figurative
And indeed a literal knee,

But I know you do love me,
Just hoped you'd show it more,
Although in fact you do show it when
The chips are down,
I DO value my love,
A truer and rarer thing
You will not find,

The service?

Meh! I love you
So it just came but
It made a difference to your life,
The years that I have offered Appear to count for nowt,
But they are what remains
Of me,
Offered in humility

And love,
To me these things were
And are
Important,
Not so readily cast aside,
Yet it seems you may not
Find an answering flame inside,
And even that maybe concept Really really hurts,

I am that prince
With a razor sword who
Ventured into that twisted
Thorny forest which
None thus far survived,

I am that knight
In armour bright who
Refused to fear the vines
And spines
And bubbling vitriol,

I  am the man
Clothed now in rags,
Torn flesh and bleeding
Heart labouring for
Lack of air and

Hurting for the lack of love
In the little ways,
The ways that count,
The ways that nourish
A relationship

And make sacrifice
Not just worthwhile
But a joyous act
Of service to one
I love,

Dragging myself  
Upon all emaciated fours
Through fresh thrown
Mud and hard edged
Indifference,

I am a pile of bones  
Bleached by the sun,
Gnawed upon by wolves,
Bereft of flesh yet
Bearing even now

A kiss to wake

My sleeping

Beauty

My nan died in 2005
And I inherited a money plant,
The last living possession
That she had,
And I have treasured it,

Yet despite my care
It was burned by the sun
And almost died,
Reduced from ten inches
Of shiny green health
To a stub from which
The last two leaves dropped,

Dead

But I changed the soil
And replanted those leaves,
Pressing them into the
Moist fresh dark compost,

And slowly,
Banned from interference
By those who revile me,
Those precious leaves
Have rooted,

They stand now upon a tiny stem,
Lifting themselves off the dirt
A shiny new leaf forming,
Determined to stretch skyward

And so with us.
We may be tired and weary,
Fed up with the war,
The rows,

But we have in fact
Changed OUR soil,
This compost is nutritious,
Supportive and healthy,

We can grow in this,
Love is enough because
It has all the good it needs,
The bad has been cut away

I get that your fingers
Are not green,
I feel your weariness,
So lean on me while

I continue weeding,
And soon and very soon,
We will reap a bumper crop
Of all we each deserve

True love,
Love - period,
Can conquer all things,
It is an inexhaustible source
Of glorious beautiful energy,
The thing that binds us,
One to another
Or one to team
To nation or to God,

If you do not love me,
Will I still love you?
Will I have your back?
Will I still desire to be
Of service to you?
Share your table?
Share your home?
Share your body
And your bed?

Yes and yes and yes again,
And yet if you
Truly honestly do not
Love me,
Or rather since I see most clearly
That you do,
If you refuse to see or let
Your body mind and heart
Perceive that love,
Then what's the ****** point?

Have been harmed by me
And indeed have harmed,
You illumine my life
And my heart
And have brought me
Face to face with
Harsh reality of love,

You showed me rage
And anger and desire
To hurt and revenge,
To disregard apology
And humility and change
In order to stab again
And this I did deserve,

However change has
Happened as admitted
By you in my embrace,
The storms of rage
Are abating and the dawn
Rises clear and gentle
With softness care and grace,

Yet now even as we reap
The dividend of peace
And I am filling that treasured
Role of partner husband
And other (albeit imperfect) half,
You turn after a queue of jobs
To say you are not sure you love me,

The cruellest blow of all

Having caused much pain
And upset to one I love
I looked long and hard
At me to find the root
Of my failing,

I cut deep and discarded
My ego my pride
And a host of other bad
Habits that accrued
Across the years,

And deep within me
I found an eight year old
Little boy with arms
About his knees,
Head down,

His tear streaked face
Framing a mouth that
Screamed silently in pain,
Heartbreak and
Loneliness,

So I looked within
That visceral version of me,
Cutting deeper than before,
And right at his heart
I found a budded rose,

At first glance
It was perfect,
But closer view showed
Dessication discolour
And paper thin petals,

But even as I watched
Your hand appeared,
Caressed the child
Then watered his
Withered heart,

And in an instant that bud Regained its lustre
And its carmine hue,
The petals spread to glorious flower,
The silent screaming paused

In wonder then delight,
I realise now there
Was no fault in me nor
My heart or view
I just needed watering

With love

From you

Love is not the thing
Of films or fantasy,
Because love is between people,
And people are ****** hard,
Especially thee,
But so much more so me,

Love is what we find and found
In the roughest of times,
When argument ceased in favour
Of helping and caring,
In reaching out to the one
In who's hands resides your heart,

And heart is where love is,
Heart not head nor gut,
Not head nor sexuality,
But heart with all its
Irrationality and passion,
Because heart,

And love,

Mean everything

I have always been a warrior,
Full of the energy
That gets **** done,
A powerful man,
A tank,
Going where and with and doing
Whatever the heck
I want,

But, like a tank,
Impervious to the hurts
Of others
The pain and damage caused
To roads and hearts,
A tracked and nacissistic
Behemoth of - as now I see -
Blind unthinking chaos,

Well no more of that ****,
With all that I am done,
For I have found the joyous freedom
To be gained by removing my helm,
Opening the turret,
To see and admit
My mistakes
And drive with consideration,

I cannot mend the roads
Nor undo all the harm Ive wrought,
But I can be transparent now,
Humble and chastened too,
Rediscover that better me,
The one worth loving,
That authentic James
And I can make a gift of him,

Of me

To you

Is something I can teach,
At sea or on land,
Use of a compass
And a parallel rule,
Dividers and a plotter,
All to find out where I am
Where I wish to be
And what course to steer,

In matters of the heart,
Also - as do we all -
I do my best to plot
A course to best effect,
But lately I have been
All at sea in darkness,
Steering by dead reckoning,
And raw blind hope,

A nerve racking
Time sailing blind,
Unaware how sands may shift,
How deep the seas or shallow,
How far away the land,
Until now at last the sun has risen,
The darkest hour has passed,
And you my darling destination
Are right across my bow

I have stood my watch
On a warships bridge,
Steered a yacht under sail
Beneath a star studded sky,
Stood to an hour before sunrise
In military training,
So I have seen the dark,

In love too I have
Been a source of shadow
And been shaded on,
Sailed close to the wind
And indeed capsized,
Been cold and lonely in
A darkness greater than any
Night time,

But every dark yields
Before the dawn
Of a brand new day,
Every night founders
As the sun rises
To banish the lightless,
And this heart's darkness too has passed,
But this dawn is the brightest

And the best

I

Ever

Knew

You have no idea the irk
Created by those terms,
The judgement inherent in
Laying out my perceived weakness
Is offensive,
All the more when weakness
Neither becomes me nor is
Found within me

It makes the obvious response
Rise to my lips,
To cease to reach out
In love or in help,
To prove to you my worth by
Withdrawing the very demonstration
That led to the accusation at hand

But with withdrawal of
Reaching out comes
Withdrawal of part of me,
Part of my expressed love,
And therein lies the rub,
For if I share not how I feel or that
Sharing is unaccepted,
Then where is the actual point?


Of us?

For me love is an absolute thing
That far surpasses Corinthian definition,
It is a joyful passion,
And those afflicted delight in every slightest
Touch or word or contact,
And cannot wait for the next opportunity
To share by call or message or text or touch
That love which whirls and spins ones heart about
In a wonderful dance of committed care
And passion,
Both carnal and divine,

But alas it seems in your view
These things I neither did nor do in fact
Share with thee,
But rather - in your view but not in mine -
To my sadness and my shame,
Did rather inflict them on thee
From insecurity,
Without so much as a by your leave,
The worst of many misunderstandings
And one which would make a lesser man weep,

However love remains inviolate
If the heart that beats it remains fast and true,
As mine does,
True to that which has been professed,
True to the woman to which it is trothed,
True to that love which is unrelenting,
And how you feel about my motives does not change a thing
Bar one for,
In my world if thy lover is not secure in any respect
Then you ****** well make them so

I know my worth,
I have stood in the way
Of vitriol and shame,
Shrugged away pride
And ego and burned off
So many imperfections
To leave a man still flawed
But peaceful and true,
A man who loves and seeks
That selfsame love in return,
A man who will die he hopes
Of old age in the arms of his woman
After a life of love and joy,
But
If she does not see his love for what it is,
If she sees need as neediness,
Then death still will find me,
Still see my value and my worth,
But find me waiting nonetheless

Alone

I love you,
As such I desire you
In every respect,
Wish to be included in your life
Include you indeed in mine,
Honour you and make a life of us,
Do not mistake
True honest love and desire
For neediness,
Nor weakness or even lack
Of self esteem,
These may be in the lexicon
Of others in your past
But if that be your true
Perception of me then you stand
To lose both your perceived
View and also alas
The truth.

You have a life of oppression and suppression,
Of no appreciation,
Self-worth strangled at birth,
And now that suppressed rage
And sobbing frustration has
Been released by my stupidity,
To snap and snarl and attempt
To rip out the throat of someone,
Anyone,
Me,

In truth I deserved to die,
But I am still alive
And still loving you,
I still have your back and
All the vitriol and spite I accept
And dispose of safely,
And now finally you are weary
Of the fight, (me too)
And I am still here in love,
Still holding you,

God willing I always will

Come sail with me as we did before
Our rage and my stupidity
Got in the way
Of love,

Come step into the boat with me,
You remember it,
White and blue
And full of love,

Come grasp the tiller,
Haul in the sheet,
Take us in hand and sail
With me to common purpose,

There is no space for
Anything but peace while sailing,
No space for owt but love
Between us,

And love and happiness with you are

Enough for me

I have sailed many miles
In a dinghy and in yachts,
I have experinced storms and calms and most things in between,
Too much heat
And too much cold,
Feared for my life and basked in joy,

No two trips the same even though the route
May be identical,
That is the magic of sailing,
Of boats of any type,
The variety and the
Never ending learning,

Though every day is still a school day
I am a pretty good ******,
Good enough to teach others
How to sail and to
Love the water,
Salt or fresh,

Not quite so good with life
Or love though,
In these I end in irons or adrift
Or just plain capsized,
But every day is a school day
In life just as at sea,

And I have learned that
I need not always correct
Or defend myself,
Rather I can let go my ego,
Let the love flow gently,
It is not nor ever was about me,
Or you,

It was and is and ever will be,

Always entirely US

I have been at sea in a hurricane,
A tempest if you will,
Unimaginable force piling salt water
Into huge forms that surge and crash,
Collapse and reform,
A never ending assault,

At sea the serried ranks
Of mountainous water
Come in succession,
Over and over and over,
Crashing and crushing
With seeming unending maelevolance,

But every storm gives way to calm
And every sea will settle,
And that is where I am right now,
Rocked by still lumpy post-storm waves,
And I will no more challenge the sea's power,
But respect it and indeed

You

I have medals for ballroom
And Latin,
And Rock and Roll,
Gold no less suggesting a degree of competence,

Dancing is joyous and exhausting,
It needs commitment and teamwork
And tension in the arms
And closeness in the bodies of those involved,

It is not easy to find one
With that tension and strength
Of core to truly dance well,
And those who do are popular,

So a partner once found is
To be treasured and respected,
There is no room for discord for
The dance wont work that way,

I know all that and
I have found my dancer,
And I will hold her close
And forever  be a frame to her moves

Because I do not wish to dance alone

Nor with any other

Ever.