I seem to have an overly emotional devotion,
To feel something-anything,
Or absolutely nothing at all...

Is you passing by me one day
and even after I call your name,
you just keep walking away...

Eventually my voice will disappear...
cause....
People only listen to what they want to hear...

Why is it that when I feel too much, I long for it,
But when I am, I don't know what I want anymore,
How can I still feel sore? When I'm numb down to my core...

When life gets to be too much, we set ourselves a new reality...
I just wish it were true and not but just a dream of what I wish real life would be...

I don't know whether I'm numb or accustomed to this feeling,
With time is it steeling?
What I should feel,
But then why shouldn't it steal,
This dreadful feeling,
That takes away from living,
But also takes away what I feel,
Should it continue to take the wheel?
Or ignore this feeling-once and for all,
Even tho I'm still affected by its call,
To ignite a fire in me,
That nobody can see,
Except for in my poetry,
Will I just let this feeling go,
To no longer feel that blow,
That ignites the flame,
And puts me to shame,
That feeling just always comes,
And me it almost always stuns,
Cause how could one get used to,
A feeling you feel abused to,
No matter what I choose-it'll always be present,
It's whether or not I chose to resent it,
And whether or not I feel it,
Is not always up to me,
You see,
It hurts me more than I'd like to admit...
     ....That **** jealousy...

What is anxiety?
Is it but a name of an illness?
Am I it's proprietary?
If so how could anyone miss?;
All that goes on with me?
Can they not see?
My beating heart wanting to escape,
This doomly fate,
That is only but in my head,
As my horrors I have fed:
With my hopes and all my dreams,
It's what it seems.
Why can't others see the breath stuck mid chest,
Do I seriously look like the rest?
Breathing happily,
Carelessly?
Can't you see?;
This thing suffocating me?!
It doesn't even stop there,
As it covers my blank stare,
So nobody notices,
That it's main torture is;
Through using my own mind to drive myself insane.
And from this there is absolutely nothing to gain,
But hurt sadness and pain,
Making my existence nothing more important than a stain.
Why can't you see?
Why can't you help me...?

Her anxiety is stealing her everything,
Everything she wants to do,
Everything she wants to say,
But those everything's are as good as dead...

Because her anxiety is here to stay.

Happy things=happy thoughts.
What does bring, rotten thoughts?
So many things, I better not, but isn't it worth a shot?
What do you say-shall I or shall I not?
Think of horrid rotten thoughts?

As hard as I try,
I can't confide
in myself,
to think of better...
...happier
...less depressing things...
My mind is the opposite of a moth,
it flies away from the light,
...craving darkness, at the bottomless pit of the abyss that is my soul...

I'm a fish,
hooked to a bait,
I can't go else where,
for its too late,
I bit the hook,
and that's all it took,
for me to no longer be able to retake,
all the feelings that the thought of you makes...

I'm sure after this, nothing will remain,
Not you or this, not even a stain,
For when my mind runs, you can't stop it,
No matter how fast you run, it will never quit,
So come to terms, knowing that nothing will remain,
That once it starts, all horrors-it claims,
It loves the dark cruel things,
And all the dark things they bring,
Like the image of you with another, any other,
Than me in your arms, as I'm in a storm,
That will never end, as I have no friends,
All dreams dead in this world, that my mind brings me to,
It leaves me small and curled, as this I didn't even choose,
But it happens anyways, and maybe this time it'll stay,
As nothing will remain, as everything from my life it will drain,
As I wake up with nothing, but a constant sting in my heart and a ring in my ears, as my eyes will have even lost all tears...
Will you still want to be around,
When I will have found; everything in my life-burnt to ash,
There is no catch, but no guarantee...
....that you won't get burnt down with me.

There is no point,
   there is no end,
Once begins,
   continues again,

There is no cure,
   no easy fix,
No easy way,
   to get rid,

Once it starts,
   never ends,
Not just once,
   but never again,

There is no way,
   to run from it,
No way to hide,
   no way to rid,

Nothing to do,
   no way to escape,
Once it comes,
   this doom-your fate.

What I perceive may not exist,
but none the less
that perception does...

As grim as it may not seem,
Can't you see,
That I'm happy as can be,
Smiling through my teeth...

Don't I look happy,
Going through the day,
Reading books that are sappy,
With a smile that always stays...

Can't you see; the strain,
My gritting teeth,
How my smile stays the same,
And how I stare at my feet...

I may seem as happy as can be,
And you may be fooled,
I guess the real me you don't really see,
If you only see my hiding tool...

To keep the questions away,
And the curious eyes off me,
To keep these suspicions at bay,
So they never truly see...

*...my broken mind that is lonely...

The water rises,
as my nose dives in,
into this fear that's growing,
but yet not showing.
I soon will be drowning,
not coughing on water-
but yet choke on fear-
as I've awoke the fight or flight within-
that feels like the punishment of all my sins,
it seems to last forever,
wish upon this to another-
I would never,
for it is torture,
I know nothing more sure-
than how horrible it is to be stuck within yourself
in the midst of its own war,
I feel the end coming deep in my core.

And I-
will be the only casualty.

Hands shaking, chest tightening, stomach turning...
Eyes burning, tears flowing, heart stinging...
Lungs collapsing, nose leaking, core burning...
Purpose fading, body numbing, losing feeling...

Mind buzzing, hair pulling, world darkening...
E**ars ringing, silence keeping, slowly dying...

I see the future that I want,
I feel the desperation of mine,
I taste the bitterness of disappointment,
I smell my failure to come,
Last but not least, I hear myself being rejected...

No one truly understands,
My demons commands,
That quiets my voice,
And gives me no choice,
That ruins the present,
With resentment,
That makes me sad,
And oh so mad,
Over reasons I do not know,
Because he doesn’t even show,
All he does is but control,
He plays each and every role,
Of that I hate myself for,
Straight down to my core,
When will I understand,
Where it is he stands,
Is he in my heart-my soul,
Will he turn it to coal,
Or is he in my brain-my mind,
Will I ever be able to find,
Where he is truly hidden,
So I can get rid of him.

You keep me steady-but are you ready? To know to what extent I'm messed up, that makes me think of all this stuff? I don't think you're ready cause you don't really know, my deep dark scary foe... my demons deep within, way deeper than the skin. Will you meet them willingly? and keep me steady? Or will you put on a play, and say that I'm still okay. Or possibly say that I'm not crazy and you see nothing wrong with me, that there aren't deep dark things within, but just because them you cannot see, doesn't meant they are not there, me they still do scare, since now it's at you they now continue to stare.

I can't control my brain,
it goes to extremes,
there is no controlling it,
idk if I was born with it broken
or if it just broke within the years,
all I know is;
that it'll never be able to get fixed,
there is nothing you could buy,
nothing you could say,
nothing you could possibly do,
you'll just have to endure it like me, or
I guess just decide to leave, but ultimately, the choice is up to you, just cause I've got to live with it,
doesn't mean you've got to...

In the night-I want to whisper,
All the things-I meant to say,
Through out the day-and my lifetime,
Do you want to hear-what I wanted to say?

That no that dress doesn't suit you,
No I am not okay,
Why don't you let me choose?
There's so much that I didn't say.

One last goodbye to my pepere,
No-wait I had that chair,
Do you really care?
No-that doesn't sound fair,
Does anybody truly care?

I swallow these words,
They go far down,
Never to return,
Until this night,

When these words unspoken,
Come back up,
They've awoken,
Every single thought that's been caught,

Stuck in my head,
Or at the tip of my tongue,
They flat line-are dead,
Before anyone could see wrong,

That I bite my tongue,
For too many times,
Nobody had heard my truths,
Except for with these rhymes,

It is easier to write-then to speak,
I know speaking is pretty easy,
But my voice is far to weak,
And my thoughts far to messy,

For anybody to truly want to hear,
All that I fear,
All that has been untold,
Of why I sometimes I feel cold,

Theres no reason for others to hear my voice,
So holding my words back aren't really a choice,
For even if they are spoken,
Nobody will actually listen,

Sure-some of my words have no real meaning,
But they speak volumes of what I'm feeling,
Or of what's going on in my head,
But most of those words come out dead;

Born to nothing but air,
No vocal cords vibrated,
My heart thinks it's unfair,
My mind is still not sated,
I guess it might never be,

If I keep bitting my tongue-so much it bleeds,
I will no longer have a tongue to speak,
I'll try to speak the words I find needs,
For even if its not only my voice that's weak.

Hello poetry,
Hello home,
Hello everyone under this dome,

We are different, but,
We are united, for
We all love poetry,

You may feel alone, but
You are not, since
You are with all of us,

Hello you,
You are not alone, for
We are all here for you...

One can not find-a way to be stable-there's no between: feeling everything or absolutely nothing at all... Without my anchor I risk either crashing to shore and never again meet calm open water... Or drift far enough away from everything and everyone that I might as well have drowned...

I've lost my mind
but no one will know,
cause I've got a mask
that let's nothing true show...

You-my prince,
I-your princess,
My anxiety-the dragon.
Can love truly concur all?

I'm in a void,
Just floating in space,
No feeling,
No weight;
Nothing negative,
But also,
Nothing positive,
No frown,
On my face,
But also,
No smile,
No incident happening,
But also,
No fun having,
Just.
Nothingness...
Even though,
The world around me,
Continues on,
Without me,
Barely noticing,
Or caring at all;
I feel
Like I must,
Shout out,
For anyone
To hear
My scream,
But it's muffled by
My own self,
Suffocating me,
From the inside out,
No longer being able to breath,
I scream,
But nobody hears,
Cause it's only in my head,
How could that be,
To me it's so easily,
Heard.
To me,
I am drowning within myself,
In my sorrow,
That came from nowhere,
Existing from seemingly nothing,
The air quickly became water,
Here I am drowning,
And yet,
I'm still expected to breath,
So here I am,
Breathing,
Still.
Somehow.

I don't know what to think,
what to do or how to feel...
How do you think?
What do you do?
How do you feel?
Maybe I could do the same, since I already rely too much on you...

I feel the warmth of the sun and the smell of the breeze. I feel the cold water at my feet. I sense a stare from across the room and realize that nothings there. I smell the faint hint of his cologne during my intake of breath. I feel the warmth of his body laying snugly next to mine. I feel his breath on my skin as I keep count of his heartbeat, feeling utter bliss and love. I smell... I hear... I sense... I see... I feel... nothing-----the constant reassuring presence is no longer felt, the heat gone same as my true sight. I seemingly can no longer open my eyes to make sure my love is truly still there. I hear no breathing, no voice and no heartbeat. I no longer feel heat, just a chill radiating form my core. I try to wrap myself in my arms, but that and every other movement just makes me feel sore. I try to find my way back to the way it was before-but how could I when my senses are against me? I can no longer feel the presence of anyone-I must be alone. I guess I should stay laying here, cause that's what you're suppose to do when you're lost-right? So that people can track back to you. But what happens if I lost track of whenever it was that I lost myself? Is there any hope of on coming help? Will you be able to find me and bring me back to my old self....?

Do you understand what I write?
Or is it all for nothing.
Is it worth trying to fight,
To know that I feel something...?

The angels are calling me,
they're calling my name,
wanting to hear me sing,
instead of scream,
wanting me to fly,
instead of drown,
they're calling to me,
but the voices in my head are louder,
telling me that I can't,
telling me that I'll never be good enough,
that that image I have in my head isn't me,
and that it could NEVER be!
The voice in my head is screaming out to be heard,
but does nothing,
but deafen ME!
cause no one else can hear,
or can there be?

The angels are always there,
watching over ever so patiently,
for the day that may never come,
that I'll do right by them,
that I'll muffle out that loud mouthed voice that's always inside of me,
but sadly I'll never be free,
cause that voice IS ME.

When will I realize that the angels believe in me,
especially when I don't believe in myself,
they're always there watching, praying and looking out for me,
even if I don't always acknowledge it...

So thank you,
from both of me.

-me & myself

Smile today, even though we don't know, what tomorrow will bring.