How is it that everyday I find myself falling in love with you all over again
Like a sprinkle that turns to a pour you completely engulf me
And the tingles run up and down my arms and my chest touches the ceiling
I’m madly and completely in love with you like it’s the first time I realized it all over again and I swoon

The lights were utterly blinding,
as the shock of the recent events began to sink in,
It all comes back to me like I'm right there on the bathroom floor again,
NO
I muttered at least a dozen times
But would you have stopped had I spit out the word one more time?
You stole something from me that night,
a piece I have tried anything for to get back,
But when you were taking it from me the dimly lit bathroom went black,
I can still see the face your friend there at the time made,
I can see his peaking head staring, burning me with his eyes,
I have NEVER felt so *****, disgusting, and unclean
And it haunts me every night on the way to my dreams
God those blinding lights in my eyes about to spill,
My feet hitting the ground ware almost a thump in the distance at best,
My lungs burned, and I felt as if they were incapable of taking in air
When I made it to the place I was staying for the night
I remember sitting there staring for most of the night, knowing I had to burn those god blessed underwear because what you did left more than a stain
And I constantly battle with myself back and fourth in my head,
but I have to understand,
It was NOT my fault
and you are just a terrible terrible man.

I have met bad men
Who have been good
For only me
And that is where it
All falls into humanity
The villain in your story
May be the hero in mine

The Thursday before your passing you crossed my mind
I planned on sending a package with a letter inside
Maybe some writings I thought you’d like
But it was foolish of me to assume I had more time
It just takes a minute to remember every memory
All the unspoken words
All the times shared laughing
It is more painful now than I imagined it would be
These words I never spoke will forever be stuck with me
But that’s the thing about time
It’s unforgiving

As the months grow farther from the times You couldn’t stand alone and would shake at the knees
You begin to forget what life was life before you caught the “skinny disease”
That overwhelming need to restrict what you eat, limit the water to reduce bloating
Your daily dance with the scale
The portions that seem to grow smaller and smaller
Until you eventually get to a level point
Where you feel “okay” and you stay on routine
That routine is engraved in your brain
It is ALL you know
Wake up, step on the scale, shower, drink one glass of water, pass the time doing small things or laying in bed to conserve your already minimal energy
and after months of slowly growing into yourself again it hits you
The portion sizes that never got bigger, the now weekly trips to the scale as if that’s any better
The consistent twirling in the mirror to check every angle every potion a person could possibly see you in determining am I still thin?
And you realize you didn’t get past this at all, you let it grow into who you are, and that’s why no one knows
After so long the things you needed to hide came out and no one noticed, they congratulated you, asked for dieting tips, and as you lied through your teeth you were disgusted at the shell you’ve become
And at that point is when you can
Finally move on.

I think I started needing
Control when I started
To lack it from others
When my father stopped keeping me on such a tight leash
And my mother finally set me free
I don’t think I knew what to do
So I would cling onto people
And control their every move
Because I didn’t know that was
What you were not supposed to do
Until I ruined everything I had with you

I am drained
Sluggish
Unmotivated
Tired
I try waking up earlier,
I try giving myself an extra 30 minuets for sleep
Nothing helps
I sit and stare
Like a brain dead zombie
I don’t know what to say
I know I could do better
I could make myself work
I could push forward and hope to gain the motivation and strength to continue
But even the little things that used to be so simple I could do them in my sleep seem monumental to me now
I don’t know if my problems got bigger
Or I got smaller
But they’re definitely not being dealt with today

I thought healing was easy,
Growing and improving,
I didn’t know it was uncontrollably sobbing when I read my poems to people and binging on junk food,
But like I love to say “you must feel it to get over it” but
Who ever likes to really take their own advice?
I know it must rain for the flowers to bloom but I’m tired of being a bud

There’s no death in these
Forests deep in your eyes
Only love

To look back on past loves
And know the intensity you felt
Like being stuck in a furnace
And feeling your organs melt
That blistering heat the love you felt
But time cools all coal
And we’re just ashes now

I like it rough
SO when you leave
I have something to
Say I felt

thick blankets
And no clothes
Your hair spread across my chest
Skin soft as velvet
Warm as a hot spring
And I am lucky enough
To have found this ruby

You had the sharpest dagger for a tongue
I almost didn’t feel it go in
Until you started twisting your blades
And that was when I knew
I wouldn’t make it out of this
Dance with the devil