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yellah girl Oct 2017
me too.

six or seven years old,
on my Little Mermaid bed,
playing doctor or predator,
with my innocence.

me too.

eight or nine years old,
in children's church groups,
asking me why i didn't shave
or wear a bra.

me too.

eleven years old, it's the
holiday season, you're my
favorite uncle, so why do you
stroke my breast and cradle my

me too.

in high school, everyone's doing
it, it's not a big deal.
you're such a *****, why can't
you just send me a ****?

me too.

in college, you convinced me
i'm mature enough, i'm old enough,
so why did i feel so terrified to say
no? why did i cover my eyes and bite
my tongue?
Vague, but there. It's enough. Over two decades, multiple men, one survivor.
yellah girl Oct 2017
at first, you were two burnished
roses, so pure and bright that i
thought you were made of gold.

you were spiritual parents to me &
taught me right from wrong, and told
me that i wasn't good enough, but that
you were great enough for all of us.

you placed a dunce cap on my head,
but you painted them gold and called them
crowns, and i believed you, you coward.

you kissed my brow, sweetly, softly,
like a vampire caresses his victim's neck,
before he plunges deep & ***** the red
from their veins.

you cradled my throat in your claws
and told me that no one else was
on my level, that no one else
could get this close to you.

i told you i dreamed of becoming a
writer, you told me to burn my journals.
i told you i dreamed of becoming a
painter, you told me to trash my brushes.

i gave you the key to my secret dreams,
to my most vulnerable place, & you
swallowed it whole, like a greedy sparrow.

for 3 years, you dangled my stolen heart
in front of me, & laughed as i chased it like
the hog-tied mule that i had become.

then one day, you got lazy & you slipped
up, you fool, you left the key & my heart
on that pedestal you brazenly sit upon.

i took it back, i swallowed my heart &
unlocked my spirit, free at long last,
and saw that you were the Wizard of Oz,
hiding behind your ratty curtains.

i laughed & i cried, when i realized
what a fool i had been, how childish
i had been, to willingly give you
my life.

you were nothing but stones dipped
in glistening blood, drained from the
blind people you feast upon, you glutton.

you broke my spine & you tried to
**** my spirit, but you didn't know,
I am the Phoenix Rising, &
you will not hold me any longer.
I have been brainwashed for three years and I am finally waking up. Life is beautiful and I am meant to create.
yellah girl Sep 2017
the gray storm pounds on my doorstep
a wizened man bent as a willow
he breathes temptation
but i do not
yellah girl Sep 2017
empty bed;
      empty bowl;
            empty heart.
A tribute to my best friend of nearly 15 years, my shih-tzu, Rex. I had to let go of him in January, and it still breaks my heart.
yellah girl Sep 2017
the circus train comes to town once a year,
carrying Russian ballerinas & corporate America dropouts.
she brings an irresistible bouquet of
caramel apples & greasepaint, of
cotton candy & mechanical smoke.
the circus is a seductive beast, she'll grab your heart
between her teeth & she won't let go, like a
rabid dog.

when the show begins on opening night,
you'll be sure to grab a front row seat, right in the
Grand Stand, among the soccer moms & their sticky-faced toddlers.
you'll feel the childish delight bubble
in your chest when the music swells, when the elephants march
& the clowns tumble out in garish colors.

after the show, you'll stumble to the three rings with the
toddlers & their tired moms, right to the center ring, don't be
shy when the clown dressed in yellow & black,
like a bumblebee, comes towards you, a devilish grin on
his painted coal black lips.
your knees will tremble, you'll turn as red as his big nose, when he pulls your back to his solid chest, & he begins to juggle right in front of you.

"stick around, after closing" he murmurs in your ear, "that's when the real circus begins."

the circus is painted bright, a swirling mass of
red & blue, with sparks of yellow, ribbons of pink.
even when the show is over, the mystery is still
there, the sweet seduction lingers, like an old lover's fingers can trace circles on your skin in the dead of night.

when the bumblebee clown drags you around town that night,
as if he lives there & not you, you'll go along with him,
your heart racing fast, as fast as the girl dressed in
pink spandex flew from the cannon across the circus ceiling,
how could you have forgotten that?

he'll take you to McDonald's, ask you to pay for the meal, he's broke until Thursday at 2. of course. you split a small
fry and a chocolate shake, by then it's midnight,
he performs some simple magic tricks, balancing a
chair on the edge of his chin, snagging a shining quarter
from your brunette curls, watch out, girl, he's reeling you in,
he's as seductive as the circus.

he will walk you back to your college dorm &
he's sure to mention how it's been years since he has
been inside a dormitory, since clown college, yes it's real.
your roommate is gone & you're not ready to say goodbye
just yet, so you'll sign him in & guide him to your third floor

he marvels at your textbooks & cuddles your teddy bear
brought from home, while you drink him in, solid, squat,
a true Texican, his skin is brown as caramel, & you wander
if he will taste just as sweet. he'll notice your blush, & pull
you close, pinch your hips, nuzzle your neck & kiss you hard,
maybe a bit too hard.

he lays you on your back, & you're naked, you're scared,
vulnerable, you watch him dip his head & kiss you, nibble you in that sweet, sweet forbidden spot. there's a black coal
in your chest, in the pit of your stomach, you're disgusted,
you're curious, you taste the circus firsthand, gagging.

the circus will remain in town for
an entire week, & for an entire week you have a
circus clown as a boyfriend.
you take him on adventures around your college campus,
to your favorite burger spot, to the big water balloon fight
& he'll show you the circus world, you'll hug
an elephant, you'll drink your first beer in Clown Alley,
& you'll watch the show a dozen times.

he'll write you a love letter on your skin, caramel drips on
China porcelain, he'll leave bruises in the shapes of hearts,
& you'll cry when he leaves, it's only been a week, but
it's been a lifetime. he'll hold you tight, too tight, and he'll whisper,

"it's only a year, i'll see you in a year."

when the circus train leaves, the asphalt lot will be
conspicuously empty, except for a trampled clown nose,
much like your aching heart. you'll feel numb & blue,
you'll cling to your phone, the clown promised you
he would call.
you fall asleep cradling your phone to your chest, startle awake when he finally calls you, it's 4 in the morning, you have an early class, but that can wait, his voice is on the other line.

you'll lose a lot more than sleep when you fall in love
with a circus clown, you have to conform to his schedule,
you see, he is the one calling the shots, not you, not we.
you'll start to slip up in your classes, all you do is stare at your phone screen, who cares about supply vs. demand, anyway?

you hitch a ride to see the clown half a year later, you could
hardly stand him being an hour away, & you'll fly into his arms
like a trapeze artist, after the show, he'll carry you like a bride
to his coffin
bed & you're naked again, scared, vulnerable, he's all the way
he's grunting and sweating, and you're cowering, numb.

you leave 15 minutes later, with shaky thighs, you're slightly
nauseated, you try to kiss him goodbye, but he pushes you away,
he's got eyes on the concession stand girl, the one with
raven black hair and a Marilyn Monroe piercing. your heart drops as you get into the car, your friend begs you to talk, but you can't,
you're confused, you're scared, you won't see the clown
for some time to come.

you try to focus on your schoolwork, but your As slip to Ds, you
try to go out with your friends, but they want to talk about
the cute guy in psychology, not about a circus clown miles away.
you forgot to do laundry, all you do is lay in bed, your dorm is
smelling moldy, your roommate starts to stay away. you're
falling, sinking into a blue sea, deep, dark, endless.

when you fall in love with a circus clown, you must know
you're just another Rube from another city, nothing special,
you see, he's got girlfriends in Florida and Las Vegas, that
concession stand girl, too, you're nothing special, girl,
not even close. you gave it all up, your love & your
bleeding heart, to a circus clown, you foolish girl, don't
you know, he'll just play you as hard as he plays in the
circus ring?
A fictitious retelling of the very non-fictitious years I spent in love with a real-life circus clown. It's been three years since my heart was broken, and I finally feel like I can tell my tale.
yellah girl Sep 2017
we counted the lady bugs
& sang to the trees
i love you, you love me
the night was ours
& we held the stars
in our palms
the clovers stained
our hands green.

the beat to our dance
thrived in our feet
spring was the harmony
melody in buttercups
round & round, song
in our lungs.

a dose of summer
reddened our skin,
quickened the pulse
night of lady bugs
faint memory
in blackened mind.
yellah girl Sep 2017
you would bury me alive
& throw away the key,
and if anyone asked if you
knew where i had gone,
you would pretend you never
even knew me.

you would rip my hair from
my scalp, until i bled red
and the earth turned scarlet,
yet you would light up your
cigarette and throw the ashes
on top of me.

you would tie cement to my
ankles, and drop deep in the
sea, and as i sink, you would
plaster a blank face on and
walk to the promised land.
anger misunderstood unsure vanish
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