I was sixteen when the machines came.
The letters “C-A-T” screamed at me from across the street
As the harsh yellow tore at the roots of the
Cherry trees across the street.
Of course the orchard had never been mine,
I had not planted the seeds and curated the
Beautiful blooms through their short lives,
Picked the cherries off the trees myself.
But what about all the photoshoots I’d done
Among the gorgeous white blooms,
All the times my friend had walked through
The rows of trees to get to my house and
Left paint splatters of cherries across the kitchen floor,
All the sunsets I’d seen through the leaves
That made me nostalgic for things
I had never experienced?
What if I’m growing up and moving out
And can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that
These plants that have smiled at me from my
Window for over a decade have returned
To the Earth?
What if these days the
Weeks are crying when they should be glowing and
The absence of trees is simply the target of
One of those odd tricks that sorrow shoots out of the mind
That remind me that change is the only thing that’s
Permanent?
I wish that the emptiness of the field could be replaced by
Happy little white blooms
But instead the CAT machines screech and moan
And all I can feel is
The ache of old nostalgia and the
Peculiar nostalgia of the unknown.

She was taught from a young age that beauty was having pale skin and a bright smile,
But she wasn’t trained to see that beauty itself was somewhere in the writings of a fragile, broken heart.
She was raised in a society where thin bodies were attractive and big bodies were a disgrace
As if it was worse than the crime against  Jews, homosexuals, and the colors of race combined.
Belief that beauty was only found in painted faces with blinding teeth was planted in her brain at such a young age that she forgot how she looked in the mirror because she was too afraid to see her own smile.
She forgot to brush her teeth in the mornings because she was too afraid to ask her mommy, “Mommy, am I as pretty as the ******* the magazine?”
She’s too afraid to hear her mother’s reaction, or her siblings’ reaction, hell, even her father’s reaction.
“No, you’re not as pretty as her,”
That’s what they would say,
But she left before they could finish their sentence:
“No, you’re not as pretty as her. Pretty is an understatement. You’re pretty **** amazing, pretty **** talented, and pretty **** gorgeous, but you sure as hell ain’t just pretty. You’re not beautiful like the distorted girls in television screens, and you’re not beautiful like the chicks on those photoshopped magazines. No, you’re beautiful because you don’t ever see it. You’re beautiful because you hide in the flaws we all grew up in. You’re beautiful because you write your heart out on paper, and you’re beautiful because you give a little piece of your heart out to every person you see. No, you’re not as pretty as those prostitutes like to think they are. No, you’re pretty because you have good judgment and know when to give your heart out to strangers. You’re beautiful because you leave an impact in everyone’s lives, whether it’s good or not, intentional or not. You’re beautiful because you say you aren’t and you believe you aren’t, but you’re pretty **** beautiful for telling everyone that they are instead of saving some of the compliments for yourself. So, no, you will never be as pretty as they are because that’s what they will only stay as - pretty.”
Pretty in photoshoots and pretty in covers,
But they will never ever be as pretty as the girl with the heart too big for its confinements,
Heart too tiny for the world to see.
No, the world will never ever be as pretty as her,
But someday the clouds will drift away,
And the rays of sunshine will come out,
And it will shine on her,
And it will show her that beauty and pretty aren’t just the superficial things she was taught from day one.
Beauty is someone who will leave a mark on this soil,
And she will never look back to see it.
Beauty is someone afraid to believe in everything her parents told her to stay away from.
She doesn’t believe in love because love is too powerful,
And love is too kind, and love is beautiful,
But beauty is something her parents told her not to believe in either,
Because beauty’s an illusion and no one sees the obvious even if it’s right in front of them -
It will be blurred by smoke and ***** and the images that come from drugs.
She was taught to hide beauty or it will hurt you because society doesn’t know how to appreciate it.
They don’t know how to love and find beauty in everything around them,
They all just ignore the girl with the tear tracks on her cheeks and a broken smile and a note on her back that says,
“Beautiful”

I remember photoshoots in my room making my parents take our pictures. I remember late nights conversations about cute boys & stupid friends. I remember passing notes & walking through the halls of high school.
See I remember you before you were on these anti anxiety depression medication. Before you decided you needed them to get by in life and I told you I. Understood. I said I still had your back no matter what.
Now you're a different person.
Now you lie about being so in love and so happy.
I try and tell you to get off those pills but you won't listen.
And so I ask... What happened to my best friend?
What happened to the carefree girl who went on adventures?
And I ask... If you're so happy why are you still taking those pills crying at night?
I miss my best friend.

windows up
walls down
in the backseat of her toyota
staring at the green fluorescent car clock
9:37
he looks over his shoulder in the passenger seat,
the boy who could breathe without inhaling
a mere party trick.
i had always wondered what it felt like to be a teen
stupid as is seems
i was sheltered once,
hidden from night rides
obscured from midnight hikes
asleep instead of the early morning mcdonald trips
my friends were more persistent on making me to eat with them
than making me exhale dancing fumes with them.
i only know the double chin grins on our snapchat stories
the rude jokes, the black ripped jeans, and snapbacks
the lime green socks that matched the stair railings
and pink sliders never looked better.
the “6:30” movies (5:30, shhh, my mom can’t know)
and the crinkling of empty water bottles in the backseat
i felt alive tonight,
even through the tough,
sushi stores and reclining movie theaters never felt more like home.
and boba stores that stay open late with neon open signs
welcome us
9:37
the “oH mY gOsH iTs a DoG” screams
the photoshoots with random men wearing fake Coach hats
the posing by wooden desks
the lights that lounge effortlessly above
encaptures our spirits and brighten them
i don’t drink, but they smoke
but tonight, beer can’t buzz us more than boba
and childish giggles escape from my wide smile.
so this is what the lullabies were about
this is what katy perry sang about
this is what i had been waiting for
to experience moments of pure awe and affection for those around me
to see them smile in slow motion when they understand a joke
or react to something
our collective experiences are understood
no words need to be ushered to empathize
as we dress like the night,
we transform into it
the stars flicker for us
the moon gives us her blessing
and the sleeping sun gives us our space
9:37
was meant for us
the clock stops
and time stretches its arms to infinity and beyond
i could live in the frozen frame of this evening
bomber jackets, jean jackets, and tattooed planets
the inside jokes, the enjoyed hoax, our future hopes
they live inside the car clock that reads, in green, 9:37

I could tell you what is on my mind
That I'm worried and scared and anxious
That i really wish i was alone right now
But then I'd be naked.

I could tell you all my strengths and weaknesses
I could tell you that I'm afraid of the dark when i sleep so i turn on the lights
But i could tell you that I'm also afraid of the shadows and what lurks behind the curtains.
But that would make me naked.

I could tell you that i hate photographs
and photoshoots.
And that it hurts to pose.
For a picture
To be analysed by a glass lens
Only to have the best parts of my life
erased by an editing app
Because nobody wants to see scars on Instagram
I could tell you that it makes me sick
And that i wish people loved the real thing
But then I'd be naked

I could tell you that I'm living my dream at the expense of my mother's love
Her smile has become an eclipse
Rare and blinding.
Not mine to see, anymore
I miss her though she misses me too i know but I chose the devil in my head
But that would make me naked

You could tell me about that time last year
You couldn't get out of bed
When you wouldn't get out of bed
Because your heart felt like lead
When only your bed could hold you back
And your sheets could hug you better
And I'd understand because I've been there before
Because then you'd be naked

Without the clothes and baggage
That shame us into silence
The shoes of depression
that lead us into violence
suicidal thoughts just cause
We can't be honest
And don't have the courage to simply be naked.

Prefer the flimsy armor
Of "how are you's" and "i am fines"
Fearing to expose what lies under these
Clothes
Genuine interactions and intimate confessions

I am tired ...i am tired
Of these clothes
I want to be naked
Not behind closed doors
But right here
So should i start removing

Remember that day so long ago when a simple question turned into the rest of our lives. When for the first time ever the public bus was a good thing. Where we sat and talked for 2 hours about  lives we had basically made up to feel good about the people we were ashamed we had turned out to be. Where my love for aviators started. My passion for you became evident. Remember all those times you would run around the block with me before school or sit with me on the side walk as we watched cody and ashley loss there selfs I'm a cloud of smoke we knew we were to good for. Remember how mad you got and beat the crap out of clayton. That day I officially excepted that i found you attractive. Or the day I wrote all over you! That day I asked you to write me a note for my memory book just to see if you might have some interest! How mad i would get at cody and call you instead. How calming your presents was to me.
Remember that day when you became a part of my family. You came to my lame 15th birthday party even though you had ran a 5k that morning and would have much rather be sleeping. Or the cake I smashed in to your face ever party! Remember those nights by the fire or freshman year trying to sink our schedules to bump into each other in the hall way.
Remember the day i was crying the first day you ran to make sure i was okay. The first day my mom was just okay with you always popping in whenever and that day we went to the car show. That way your hand and mind met for the first time in the most masterpiece way. The first time u kissed me in the back of sals truck and all the jokes sal and ethan had about it. When I used to get rides from sal or ethan or dad just to get over to your house or when your mom or dad had to pick us up! Or preparing for a 45 minute walk home. Because we were young and had a curfew. Do u remember rolling around in that field and finding our bench all our inside jokes and small meaningless walks all our cuddles and kisses. I never thought they would mean so much to us. Remember that day i felt at home in your house and in your arms. I stood behind a wall and you told your parents you had finally brought your girlfriend home and all they could say was "ITS ABOUT TIME!" And "FINALLY" we forget from time to time how much we have how much we have built and how many people truly hope we work. Remember that first November when we used to cuddle on opposite ends of the couch! We found out just how much we trusted each other then we re-roofed my house! The first time you left for Drew's for a weekend and i spent the night at ur house! Remember sitting 10 hours at a speech tournament for me. And bringing me coffee! Remember All our pooptart and shared juice box's In the morning. All our "7:30 matt get up, where are you, get to school!" Mornings all our defeats and homework help! All your XC runs and the first home track meet. The alton track meet first time I really meet your dad. We got lost and went to the wrong school! All those times I just chill with your mom! All those random photoshoots! All those nights helping me with speeches or calling because i had something to read to you! Remember our first christmas.. That is a good one or the 100 Skype calls!
Backset photos and mall trips or scrabble games at midnight ... cheap cereal dates or all those times u bought me food at 1/2 past hella late! The time you called me in need of help or the times i call u in worried tears!  Remember that time that bee stung ur lip .. Im sorry for laughing but it was funny and all those times i beat u in wrestling ... Im still sorry about that smack or the multiple i have given you at this point... And all those times things got to much and i would just go home. Do u remember going bowling and how competitive you are but i swear you go easy on me or the way that whole first summer we swore we were going to go to the batting cages! All the " i hate you" stuff because we didn't know how great an I love you felt! Remember that time you almost killed me for dyeing my hair red! all those times we just cuddled in peace! Remember those trophies, metals  and ribbons that you hate but I'd hang up for you anyways. Im so proud of you for accomplishing such hard goals! This one is for the first time going to the Muny. Do u remember what we saw? Dodododo (clap clap) dodododo(clap clap) that was one of the best night. what a good way to spend our 9 month anniversary! Remember all those "i have the hoody" or the " no thats my shirt or no that my jacket" notes in our locker or that week we tried sharing a locker. That didnt work at all! Remember all those spontaneous $5 or less dates! Those are really nice thats what I missed the most this summer. Remember how horrible Suessical was but that lady was hilarious and Bunny and Paul talked about her with such class when they said "well bless her heart shes loving doing her thing!" Sophomore year was so crazy with all the camping and the fighting and what not! With all the random notes in my bed room in various places or selfie fall photos that surprisingly turned out amazing! That hippy day that was so existing but more happy about how great we looked for superhero day! And how everyone commented because you know sometimes showing off our relationship is cute (saids the 100 selfies on insta of us!) remember the stress of one year photos we really should have more chill. that was one crazy night! Talking about crazy nights don't think i forgot about Saturday in fact i was listening to a Tim MaGraw song and it totally made me cry just thinking about Saturday !   #TypicalGirlyCrap!  Or all those hammock or fire date nights!!!  Do u remember Halloween and all the walking we did to get back to your house !!! Holy crap we walked a good 5 miles! Or all those nights we left party's early and crashed on papas floor! Did you know they frown upon that a lot! REMEMBER CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR WHEN I TOTALLY DOMINATED AT AIR HOCKY! Not going to lie thinking back to sophomore year i don't wish it didn't happen but it wasn't a good year and I'm very glad that it is passed us to be honest! Remember valentines day and all the really sick crap that followed i really hope that **** doesn't happen again this year.  Because i may loss my **** if i have  to hold your hand and watch you get an I.V. 1 more time! Well we are 1 year and 9 days more then the 9 months when I started writing this and its crazy all the things i had to leave out that we have also fought through but when 'insert who ever wrote this quotes name' said " you shouldn't be worried when you are fighting be worried when you stop because then you have nothing more to fight for!" That is 100% correct! And i love you more then you will ever know Mattie Kline above all remember that!  

Btw the surgery you helping with  recovery ..  yah u the real mvp lol

love is carrot launching off the third floor balcony
replacing underwear with oranges
sitting in a circle ten wide playing Mafia
dancing to Steely Dan in the kitchen
pool rafts and cousins and DCOMs
father’s day watching golf on TV with oldies music dance parties
everything but the kitchen sink trail mixes
popsicle parties and two different colors of eye shadow
photoshoots with best friends and “Elephant” on vinyl
secret sharing with sisters on bunk beds
your best friend writing you a poem called “Sail On Silver Girl”
dancing to “Round Here” in the living room when dad came home
matching t shirts and coming home
barefoot drinking black coffee with the windows open
October air and the smell of apples with a hint of cinnamon
singing “rivers and roads” by the fire on the beach with the fireworks
your dad’s friends handing you beers because their own daughters wont drink them
holding hands with somebody you’ve never met before at church
tri-state Netflix movie nights
your grandpa noticing that your eye makeup is different
hearing “poor man’s son” live and acapella
the movie Fired Up and how it never gets old
love is the sound of laughter and never saying uncle .

Perhaps my new productivity method
Should be to have an urgently pressing
Other thing needing to be done

Academic paper deadline?
****!
Seven poems
Two photoshoots
One singing practice
And a gourmet dinner

Among the trees, in forests deep,
Photographer and muse do creep.
Through dappled light and whispering leaves,
A world of magic the lens retrieves.

In nature's embrace, we find our peace,
As time and space seem to cease.
Each photo a poem, each pose a rhyme,
Captured in moments, frozen in time.

With every click, a story unfolds,
Of love and laughter, secrets untold.
In photoshoots, we find our truth,
In the wilderness of eternal youth.
WILLIAMSJI MAVELI