--Hand serenity manually entered
The automatic response system
Alerts red light blind blinking
Her excited isotopes fly, entropy askew
The 'A' stands for ready, willing and Able-bodied
Feather boa leather boy and scarlet adultery
Tucked neatly in the back of her dresser
Under bloomers and pictures of young baby boomers
--A civil masterpiece--
"I would love to," she says with a careless car crash
And a shaking ****** serial slave smile
Blowtorch full of propane and limp-action lidocaine
She cuts chronic through a slice of Hollywood layer cake
--Serves it skintight

Line by line, recite my pain
Neither me, you or the world to blame
Remembering how weak I was
Forgetting how strong I am
Surrender, my talent
Giving up, never my plan

I don't want to be just another man
I want to be special and unique
Different yet the same and admirable
I want success, I want to be humble
The universe doesn't care
Nothing is planned
Since fate doesn't exist

Every day is different
Every day is the same
I make no difference to this world
I'll never make a change
If I'm honest
I myself never really liked change
Hell, I never really even liked myself

A jealous individual is me
A sad one too
"Woe is me" cliché yet true
I wake up every day and cry inside
"What am I going to do?"
Every poem I wrote sounds the same
"Oh sadness, Oh love, Oh money,
Oh baby, Oh please, Oh why"

I'm suffocated by anger
Egged on by pain
An old soul with a young face
A young man with no place
Very few friends since eighteen
All I am is a sob story
An easy to get on with drama queen

the distance between us felt further the moment i was in your arms. your words were as empty as the wine bottles on your mantle, your kisses were needles filled with lidocaine.
laying in your bed felt like laying in a coffin. i wasn't really there. you weren't really there, either. the streetlights illuminated these lies we told ourselves in a soft, yellow wash.
i remembered as your breathing slowed that you didn't know my last name. the exposed brick walls taunted me with the whispers of pasts until dawn. the sun rose patiently. you didn't say a word when you walked me to the door.
i've realized love does not exist within the confines of your bedroom. it might not even exist within the confines of your heart.
you told me you were afraid you could never love anyone again. i took that as a challenge like a bird to a glass door. smash, blood, regret.

Lidocaine
I lied again
not novocaine
but caning it
a bit.

Rolling up a dollar bill
to get my fill
of instant thrill.

The flash back drill
the door caves out
the cops come in
watching with a stupid grin.

In the 'nick' again
******* you
lido,novo, pro no caine.

I think I've cried for as long as I can,
my ducts have run dry.
The lidocaine replaced the blood in my veins and I've never felt more alive.

Numbness has become my life's sanctuary.

Never thought it would be the answer,
and maybe it's the alcohol,
but I'd rather be an alcoholic than be invaded by a cancer.

I do not wish to be dead
But I feel as though there's nothing left
You slipped through my fingers like water
And splashed to the ground like the blood of a lamb at the slaughter
I begged you please to stay here
But you decided to let go at almost our third year
I cried to you and was vulnerable
You sat there dry eyed, comfortable
What more can I say except I miss you
I hold on to your shirt and beg to kiss you
But with no success again I digress
A friend of mine called me today
Crying about her boy and I told her what to say
I stayed composed and showed no sorrow
I was at her side so she could live through till tomorrow
But what a hypocrite I must be
I stare at the metal against my pale skin in envy
I told her to hold her heart on her own
I insisted that no matter what she's never alone
I hung up 12 minutes later and burst into tears
I wish I could take away her pain and all of her fears
But could anyone say the same for my troubled soul?
Today is the day I broke and am no longer whole
I am trying to search for my broken pieces
Like the Shikon Jewel they're scattered and the distance increases
You are free from your obligations to me or my world
I'll lay in my bed hungry, tearful, and curled
No motivation I wake up just to sleep
My emotions are thick and their rivers run deep
You course through my veins like a potent pain killer
Or maybe like lidocaine acting just as a filler
The pain is still there but I can't feel it now
My body is numb and all feeling is gone, how?
I could get used to the feeling of emptiness
I could learn to like my hollowed out chest
Some are designed to be left all alone
People like me, these creatures of stone
I'd do it all again if you gave me the chance
I'd put my shattered heart back in your hands

Xenophilias most beautiful attributes, where countries become as one, wunderkinds where thunder shines, vivid heroes of hot day's sun!
Will-call merchandise traded for disregard, where tags are hung on branches, as newly weds drive old cars! Licensures practice giveaways freely. Are we suckered into believing old wives tales? Lidocaine pick up lines to be accustomed to man to Man life tables!
Lieutenancies so vacantly are closed to high file cases, where concentrated faces smile!!! Young daughters are made for ruin while the cruel oil stays piled!!!
Maturate littlest of seeds, where gokers cook to perfections... Prospire of direction where the arrows pointing down.
Mazarine eyes, a chancer of fairest lies, I miss the caressing of the small talk you lay on me lover!!!!sister,sister are you of your own brother?

Broke my hand cycling. I fled, away
from something; chasing my psyche.
Felt nothing. Earth-grazer.
Rush of adrenaline. I fall, anger
turned inward does harm unto me;
I see myself spiraling.

They gave me a pair of local anesthetics
for the surgery, not psychoactive (although
the level of physical detachment was curious).
The nerve-block employed lidocaine, bupivacaine,
And the latter was mixed with epinephrine
to increase its duration of action:
This resulted in shivering and anxiety.

Flâneurs abound
The tragedy
of low expectations
Was described
To me
As the most uptight surfer
you ever met
Greeting me
like age hurdles
She was a black hole
of logic
and responsibility
My life
with no mirrors...
Exes
had limited vision
Too stubborn
and prideful
to admit
their freefalls
of poor judgement
My freefall
*** sum me da
Heretics
and Town Cryers
in the market square
Mephisto's embrace
of Lidocaine and Cortisone
I can no longer
skydance to impress
A scoundrel, my ***** culprit
remains reality-resistant
Like *****
on the Polar Bear rug
Incoherent verses of
"Dog and Cat
God and Oil
Signet and Spice
Partners and Paramours"
The incidental joy of life
Randomly convenient distance
from our Sun
Burning her kelvin heat
to charm our World
Venerated
Dreaming in fireworks
I write her in great detail,
She answers me
with tempered dictation…
Sun distance Earth
Enough
to burst
with anemones
as blue as Barbercide
This distance
Struggling
like a butterfly
in a rainstorm

February 1, 2022

the only real life we have is the one we live day to day, not the imagining in our minds, or the years ahead. and still, knowing this, we swallow daydreams as thick as viscous lidocaine, numbing our very essence, and dreaming of someday.