"fking" poems
I remember
how I begged the friends to come to my party
at the age of 21
how I faked my smile in the pictures,
how I feigned joy
to cover up my deep pain ,
I remember my cold birthday
at the age of six
watching television
without any heat,
as the mice crawled near my feet
I remember the burning
the lonlieness
the longing
of wanting
companionship
some love.
Looking back
I chased all my friends
many of them weren't so enthusiastic at times.
I did this my whole life
I didn't know,
that I didn't need to starve
to be fed.
I am still learning,
the other day someone complimented me,
I was literally shocked,
because it has happened so rarely to me,
that I felt so much joy and love in my heart.
that kind people exist,
and than I cried about that deeply inside ,
about this notion this fact.
At my past birthday
the" friends " that I had there,
kind of ignored me
went off to smoke,
and I had to beg them to take my pictures.
I just feel so much disgust
in my heart and soul.
When I saw her the other day,
all I wanted to do was spit in her face
and yell "FK You Btch ,"
you didn't deserve even
one ounce of my fking presence.
Instead all I did was glare deeply at her
and she the cowardess that she is ,
wouldn't even look at me
or ever apologize.
Now I may be alone
but I am choosing myself!
My people My places
And My life .
I am choosing
I get to have Choice.
Sep 14, 2023
Sep 14, 2023 at 5:58 PM UTC
"Now be witness again,
paint the mightiest armies of earth,
Of those armies so rapid so wondrous
what saw you to tell us?
What stays with you latest and deepest? of curious panics,
Of hard-fought engagements or
sieges tremendous what deepest remains?
W. Whitman
*all you scar freaks,
wound dressers par extraordinaire,
you won you lost
your hard fought
distraught
engagement,
the siege goes on
and on
so does those
curious panics
button down those long sleeves,
doctor's note, no phys ed needed,
the brain workin hard enuf,
fuming fking overtime,
rich parents say
take a vaca, go far away,
poor parents say
grow up, get a job,
wish they read Whitman,
wounded dresser,
come cover up my,
Curious Panics,
my scars reopen on their own,
especially those
deepest remain...
Jan 11, 2015
Jan 11, 2015 at 9:18 AM UTC
well if im going to be a fking flower
**** roses and orckids
let me be an wiled flower
ugly and free
for the porest of lovers
to give to their sweethearts
embed my love into
the soil, i want to bloome
you a new wiled heart
i want you to kno
what love means
like you didnt before
wiled flowers grow
where they want to
they dont even care!!
who cares!! feral flowers
have hearts too
sometimes
Dec 26, 2011
Dec 26, 2011 at 10:55 PM UTC
*I’m always told to just shut up,
Like honestly can't I just stop fking up?
Like honestly fk,
I’m out of my good luck,
I’m though I could thrive,
Live an extraordinary life,
Where I went wrong,
I can see so clearly,
When I got threatened not to say,
And I listened,
I lost my girl,
We lost our love,
Now I’m nothing I fking give up,
I’m out of luck,
My life *****
I need hope,
Getting held at a deep slope,
Drop me please,
End this ****
I’m over it all,
Sometimes I don’t feel so tall.*
Jul 28, 2016
Jul 28, 2016 at 12:24 AM UTC
It first
started
as a whisper in the night
in the dark
maybe just maybe
theres a way out
of this darkness
a light at the end of the tunnel
maybe just maybe
I can actually heal myself?
maybe just maybe
I can create a life
of my desire
and so with time she chose herself
over and over again
through her pain
through her sorrow
through all of the men who left her beaten
and broken off the side of the road
beaten beyond words beyond comprehension
how much the pain caused her
how much the violation the violence
broke her so deep
like shards of glass
tormenting her
insides ,
of how the men hurting her
hurt her soul
broke her soul so deeply
that it felt like her heart would bleed
literal blood all of the time,
Through the sorrow
of other women choosing men over her
and throwing her into the arms of violent men
to be tortured by those men
yes I have lived through all of this and worse
and yet I have learned to choose myself
through it all
to stand tall
to not allow them to see you falter
so next time someone tells you
that you don't have choice
I say I beg to differ
humans always have a fking choice!
I have claimed my rightful place in this land
by the strength of my own two feet
and I choose healing
each day of my life
to heal myself for me
for my ancestors
and for all of those who come after me
although the journey is not done
I choose it for me
and for myself.
Aug 18, 2023
Aug 18, 2023 at 2:33 PM UTC
spend less time giving a **** thn a lame horse with jellied teeth
got the whole town crawling up out the ground
dead/in\living night time
and its right here
right ******* now
resting fair shovelhands
on ***** fking mounds
cuz heavens screaming lonely + dead horse come clean
its real blood in headlights and they best ******* believe in me
because they come here to breathe
to stop and to watch me (without feeling)
+ i strangle wormclouds
out of every ******* mouth thas speaking
believe in me
watching here and learning from safety
where i hate real alive and loveless existing
skinlight like wandering
burn all your plastic things
because hell is coming harder
and we are never leaving
Jul 22, 2015
Jul 22, 2015 at 3:20 PM UTC
I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which leaves me speechless sometimes,
Considering, it's you, who is my mother
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your support
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your love
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was for you to care
You're not the best influence for me,
and that's why I have to go as soon as I can
I have to go, far far far far far far away from you
There's just no getting through to you
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean,
You choose to be addicted, and be forever mean
We are not one in the same, even if we share DNA
We are not one in the same, even if we have the same blood
I've tried throughout many years to get through to you
There's just no point, there's no use,
it's like talking to a **** wall
You're baggage is becoming too heavy,
and so now I'm choosing to let you fall
Because you are someone I can no longer be around
Every day you're trying to be an enabler
Every day you're trying to become a supplier
Every day you're trying your hardest to put me in the ground
And every day, I become more anticipated to break free
To break free from your voice, your sight, your touch, ugh,
Just to break free from you all around
This time, I'm not looking back, I can't fall back
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean
I chose to do whatever it takes for me to be me
And to not be you, I don't want to feel numb anymore
I want to feel alive again, I want to be reborn
I want to feel the sun on my skin
I want to feel the wind beneath my wings
I want to do the things that I can't do when I'm around you
And it's because you make me feel, isolated, invisible,
That's what you have become to continuously do
I've told you multiple times I don't want to be popping pills
So stop fking asking me because I see red and the suddenly;
I get the urge to either hurt you, myself,
Or I get the urge to find something to ****
I escape this reality through my words,
so that I don't end up on the next 48
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is spiteful
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is broken beyond repair
I've tried too many times, I've wasted too many words
I've lost count of how many breaths I've taken
And now, I'm honestly to the point now, that I no longer care
You'll never know any of this, or how I truly feel
Because I can't be bothered enough to tell you to your face
I just know I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be sober,
And I just know that I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be clean
While you're already dying, because you're addicted and so mean
So what's it going to take? Isn't it already too late?
you'll soon find your resting place
You'll find it sooner rather than later;
because of the path you've chosen
The path that causes so much pain,
The path that causes so much hatred
The path that causes so much disgust and disgrace
I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which sometimes leaves me speechless,
Because it's you, who is my mother.
Which really makes me wonder sometimes..
Am I… even really yours?
Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025
Apr 18, 2025
Apr 18, 2025 at 8:26 PM UTC
piling
up and up and up
on top of her
each one larger than the next
problems on top of problems
expectations
the cherry on top
piled on her will to live
that weakens
with every passing day
slowly fading away
just like she is
losing track of herself
slowly cracking, breaking
and when it ends
what will she be
will she even be her?
or just a shell
of who she used to be
bits and pieces of what survived
fragments from her collapse
her joy is felt, but temporary
her sadness lives on, continues
it never really ends
and it all starts now
everyone
everything
expects her to be good
do well
be perfect
oh honey
she's nowhere near fking perfect
Oct 18, 2017
Oct 18, 2017 at 3:16 AM UTC
Yo, you fu*kin with the baddest,
no i ain't the other kid
claimin hype, im gettin right and Ni*gas hate the status.
I think its cause, they just dont know,
how long i've been at this
i've never ever heard a beat I can't Randy Savage.
the way you lookin at me, lookin like I'm just average,
baby im just tryna make you see through..: Glasses
I hate when you're passive, the tension gets so massive
started from the basement... So why we in the attic?
maybe we some addicts, your love's asthmatic..
I love it when you in the bed, working that maGIC!
I know we got problems, so lets move past it..
no turn around.. back it up.. like that *ss did!
You know I'm just playin, you already know these actions..
type of moves, keeps the mood.. total satisfaction
Baby aint no laxin.. specially when I'm rappin
Sh*t, I spit real, so much, they need Captions
Ain't nothing in this world, through the sadness.. the ashes
so baby can we live it up, until we in our caskets?
Don't go and be phony, like the ones who be actin..
look in each other's eyes... tell me, can you feel the passion??
I used to try to sneak these looks.. starin at her as* and..
she caught me lookin once, she tried to make it so dramatic
Baby, you a dime.. tryna find the way AT IT..
put you in my wallet, ya you can live lavish,
If I-ever-sign (*Iverson). they might think it was the PRACTICE..
but baby its you.. its true.. how low that *ss gets.
you liein with a bull (*Liabilities).. who be likin all your assets..
Equity to get with me. Aint even seen the half yet.
And I aint even done.. I aint even at the half yet..
I'm just here to merc.errrr. bustin up your bracket
I'm in outer space. ya my mind reach the vastest..
choppin up your crew.. mutinies up at Krastor's!
I'm freeing all your chains so that you can **** the masters!
don't let them seize your fate.. you just gotta be faster!
Don't let them bring you down, ya they nothing but some bastar*s
tryna hold you back.. while you tryna move past them..
Dont let it bust your head.. life is what you can imagine,
Don't need a fking genie, to be the next Aladdin!
No need to show your pain.. don't just sit in bed saddened..
Find what you love.. WORK! then laugh at them...
Mar 15, 2019
Mar 15, 2019 at 1:17 PM UTC