Head feeling crushed
Frustration is an acquaintance
The questions seem to accumulate
Like roaches living under debri
You'll never get rid of their presence
You'll also never have that epiphany
To be blunt I don't think he likes me
Stuck in the middle section
Smashed into my seat
There really is no relief, just stupidity
My breath is panicking
Someone please track down my sanity


I'm in need

Its like I sit and watch the world go by cruisng to oldies,
feeling new inside, but outside is a face of a man who will attack if you dont know me.
gut instinct is below me homie, piece of mind,
dont change your words if you cant cash the truth but besides that...
See im not perfect I lost ties and made knots that made me fall from my own tension with no intentions to stand even if I can, I cant, im grounded by my mistakes that relvolve around me, reminding me what I did made me what I am.
AS I stay subsiding in a position thats clearily hiding,
binding my chest compressed against my last breath , to save what little life I have left in a world where title nor status mean nothing when your an ******* to those you called your best interest I do confess im that lowlife as i cruise still music speak to my esscense releiving me for those seconds im just a person again but after that im back at it again

..I dont write for pitty so let that be known, im just here to vent this steam that once stood ablazed passion for a love that is now a shack of memories in my head of your smile and gestures a feeling I onced called home now ruins from what i ruined, foolish I am.
Clueless more than anything to let many so many slip away im the worst fisherman of love.
because I use my soul as bait, and little by little i let the big ones escape an take chunks of me away to a place I can never retrieve it, so believe it im that space
im that vessle ive became the shell of a hermit , hollow and skirmish.
Tarnished, and used,
debri left as rubble to make roads,
but none to pave my own cause I have no resources
cause im that alone....****,
maybe I can just leave it for those who wish me back if I do something foolish like giveback the life Ive live, for a plaque and a name and a date?
or should I just lookback and keep cruisin passed the bruissin and showin scars of my mistakes as a human,
all I know is....nothing,
and thats why I stay cruissin, freedom of the road and music,
away from the world and my ruins.



-Deep Though aka
Linguist Musician
aka Emmanuel Hernandez

send me a breeze, baby blue
maybe i'll swim on that love, to
her speckle-dust cobwebs
fingerstemmed
in her skin
tinting my feathered heart
with her mosaic smile,
shards of a past she screams,
"stay a while,


baby blue"
long enough to hold her frozen hands,
kicking at the ashes
sift.
sift through
breaststroke through the debri


i caught your smile,
and fed it to,
the holes in her heart
wearing her
in
out
in & out.

a scream in the night- or dark early morning- "i am not sleeping another night alone." and it cracks my bones through my ears. i am brought back from my grave, i am a zombie with an intention. aren't we all starving now? it seems like things are more clear when i have less to focus on. now, disobeying the natural function of shutting my eyes. now, as the apartment complex lights are mere trinkles on the stairs. nobody moves but the shadows and the dissapointments on the other side of my door. everybody listens when they shouldn't. these aren't empty conversations filled with empty words. this isn't the simple act of eavesdropping on a bus. this isn't just another dialogue with defense mechanism cavities. there's a million things that these words aren't. funny, i couldn't tell you exactly what they are, what they mean, what they have to offer anybody. it's all so transparent but oh so opaque, and i am caught between the fragmented spectrum, between where i can and can't be seen. when you are on your knees with a gun to your head, that's when you finally catch some attention. crave as you might, but you're never taken seriously until there's nothing left but words versus silence. some scream, throw glasses at the wall. some lay down and cry the same old sob story over and over again. some take their thoughts and put them in jars, filled to the brim with formaldehyde. some break down in all these ways, the jars make the shelves finally collapse. i've watched it happen, i've watched bombs explode in my mother's eyes. it frightened me- how could anyone survive the blast? debri thunders down, litters the earth with shame and rage and those godfrosaken lost hopes. the hopes you pin up like ribbons in a young girl's hair, they are so beautiful and so simple, and they stream in the lights when she dances. you are taunted and you are made to believe. even when the girl passes out on the dance floor and the ambulance comes to rush her away, you remain calm. fixated. ambitious. you count to three and lift her onto the stretcher. you keep telling yourself that she will open her eyes, even when the ribbons come undone and begin to strangle her.

i forget whether it's loss or gain, i can't recall whether or not it's a good thing to be electrocuted when you put your own finger in the socket. it is good to wake up. it is a release to make the world stop spinning once in a while. but we are in motion. we are supposed to be rushed. so many of us are forced to grow fast, and we lose touch. the glue that holds our pieces together slowly dissolve and then we are fluid. we let others contain us in any shape they desire. we adapt, and we manifest more hopes. it's like we have a treasure chest, full of them. under our beds/ from behind our ears, from where magicians pull out coins. i may rest. i may sleep most of these nights. but i am still a river. i will always flow until i flood the land again. and maybe someone someday somehow won't run away when they see the warning flashing on their television screen. instead, they will grab their lifevest and dive in, like i always have. they will forget what fear is. they will forget that they had an ego that usually kept them safe and dry. they will feel surprisingly comfortable in my serene waters. they will realize that risk isn't so bad, that belief powers it, make things happen. but sometimes the pressure builds and the dam does break. it is too much. step back. you've gone too far.

it is a circle. emotions can recycle. the same hopes are used all over again, just in different disguises, colors, voices, names. they will try to build the dam again. they will think they have the perfect blueprint. but weakness always resides in something.

we only live and we learn. we only get rich or die trying. we only get twenty-four hours in a day, and we only have the ability to use them to our full advantage if we are alive and awake enough to see them.

we only see and we only feel. we only have ourselves to blame.

I'm opening my eyes,
I'm perking up my ears
I'm lifting up my nose,
I'm holding in the tears

I'm opening my hands
I'm reaching out to see
It's getting hard to stand
I've never been so free

Free of you and free of me
Free of this and all I see
I close my eyes slowly
My breath comes in rolling

Lifting my chest slightly
All this contemplating
Is ever so lightly
Reverberating

Slowly down
Deeply close
All this sound
Is so morose

Before I open my eyes
Can you promise me something
That I'll never hear you lie
Can you hear my heart drumming

May I see you for who you are
And not who you put on to be
May you be that thing so far
Away from all it is I see

May I never have to open
My eyes to see you that again
The old house we built is broken
My solitude may never end

It is time to build something new
Something that will stand so true
And hold us both and then you'll see
That you too my friend can be free

I promise you today
That if your tongue will stay
I can show you more
Than you've seen before

And as we continue on this path
Weaving something, hard to graft
I tell you it will last us long
Longer than the endless song

The one I hear when I see you,
Without the talking, just so true
As to show me more than words can say
And carry me somewhere today

Somewhere you have forgotten long
The melody to a drifting song
Coming from a far off place
Losing strength, losing pace

When I reach for you and hold
Your face in my hands I'm sold
But when it is all just up to you
Things start falling deep into

This endless chaos I feel right now
Is more than I can feel somehow
And when I'm happy you aren't here
To see that there is naught to fear

When all there is, is more than enough
Smoothing the face of once a rough
Mountainside made of stone
This sea has washed away the one

The one thing that I may have held
Closely to that drumming heart
May these words just be felt
For not an ending but the start

The start to something real and raw
Something breathing, pounding slowly
All of this, not what I saw
But what lives in me and is now growing

Like a sprout from winters ground
It has taken such a profound
Place in my heart a shining warmth
And never again will you feel torn

Never again will things just blur
When people talk as their words slurr
Just close your eyes and remember
That little sprout from that December

The part of me left cold and lifeless
Is now reaching out and making this
More than gold or something priceless
More than all that was, can be, or is

My eyes elude me as do you
May you both forget this sleuth
Someone who has found the truth
Lifting from all death a youth

You're face is made of frozen clay
Still it's not all I've to say
To be alone is to live
To stay with you is to give

My life for something small and fragile
My strife for someone falling and I'll
Never tell you yes, I say
Especially not today

Now you're gone my mind is free
The calm after a storm you see
Is better than the calm before
And more inviting still for sore

Hearts that float among debri
They may be gone but now they're free
And if it takes my heart to stay
I'll never do it, oh no way

I'll close my eyes and run away

Like qualified pilots who have lost control of their aircraft.
My strength and confidence is has been drained,
I have non no more.

Like the aircraft falling apart in mid-air.
I feel my self shatter,  
I can feel that am breaking,
I know that i have been splintered
And only love can stir me back into position.

With every piece of debri falling from the sky,
And into the middle of nowhere but the hospitality or open seas.
I am lost, deep in the depths of lonliness.
Sinking fast into the scary world of heartbreaks.

Falling so quick it cannot be stopped the last crush of the rest of the aircraft has been captured by the creatures of the sea and no other witness.
Sudden silence and then whispering waves hidding all the evidence,

I keep faking my smile everyday,
Being welcomed by a pool of tears every night.
The only witness present is my sobbered pillow.

Yet like air controllers,  
Those who care seem to wonder
"What on earth has happened to her sparkle?"
"The most inticing eyes have been powdered with grey"
"Where has she lost her zeal,
Her love for nature is gone,
What happened to all the inspirations that made her write?"
And at the back of my mind i wish somebody would get the answers.

All the answers can only be found by the search rescures,
Maybe somebody out there knows i need help, 
Somebody willing to get all the answers,  i guess...

Somehow i know,
That my heart like a black box lies,  
In the deepest ends of the sea bed.
Unless some one comes and opens it,
I will never really know is wrong with me.

A feeling in the wrong place
Can only corrupt and erode
Like a meandering stream,
That leaves a scar.
Our lives do not flow so easy
There is cleavage,
But there is also fracture
Eradict and unpredictable.
We are not all prized gems
We are impure and complicated
Not so easily identified by the eye.
Closer to quartz and feldspar than diamonds,
Yet we long to posess
a promise of value
and so we pull this image close
We  reach out for order,
Hardness and grace
But it was not the stream alone that carved the canyons
There was a grand collapse,
And the stream was left to carry that debri away.

Deep beneath dirt is where I would like to be
perhaps then, under rock, no one would find me
and my body would be left to decay not from hurt but debri
and you, my pain giver, I would not see
but I think, all the same, that eventually
I would crave you and want to dig myself free

My room is a mess

debri settled on the nightstand from sleepover confessions, spilling all the secrets collecting dust inside our rib cages 

ashes scattered across my roof from long nights of hoping the smoke would fill the spaces left 
by our fathers 
bladeless pencil sharpeners casting shame from my dresser 

empty liquor bottles downed with hazy eyes and thoughts of those stupid ******* boys who won’t stop breaking our hearts and
maybe 
I don’t know why I haven’t just put myself out but 
how can you smother a fire when the ashes are already cold

It was the sunniest of days, in the mids of July. The year I don't recall. I was a boy then, doing some chores to make extra money. I was good at yard work. Raking, cleaning twigs, cutting down trees etc. I learned how to keep a clean yard from my grandfather, (my papa)he believed in hard work and in being a honest man. He was raised on a farm and worked from sunrise to well past the darkened hour. "A little hard work won't **** ya" was his motto, I sought-after.  The sun was beating hot, without the shield of a single cloud. I took all I could, until I just needed to escape the sun, for just a minute. I ducked off into the near bye woods, where I knew all the trees would protect me. Their branches and leaves all intertwined, created a umbrella that would go on for miles. I found a moss covered rock bigger then me, in a dark damp spot of this forest. Laying my head down, I stared up at all the tree leafs, watching with anticipation for one to fall. I still remember the smell and feel of those woods. The smell of serenity and the feel of unjudging thoughts. "This is how I want to spend my life" I clearly remember saying out loud (to myself.) The woods were dark and cool. Yet calming and real to me. I frequented those woods for days on, through my childhood years up through my teenage years. Something had changed me that one summer day in July. Something had shown me a new light, a much more simple way of life and our expectations.  It was calming, nurturing and protective. It was me, it was my soul,  showing me how to be like you papa. My soul showing me how peaceful life is when we are at peace with ourselves. How everything we do, no matter how trivial at the time, really matters. Like all those times papa and I sat around a fire burning the days tree limbs and debri. Thinking it was just fun, when in reality, it was the best lesson I have ever learned.
The end.

I want to yell at the top of my ****** up lungs
Debri will fly out of my mouth
Like the smoke that I inhale
As I think of the fastest way to die

What is it that I feel toward myself?
That's the better question
I'm tired of thinking I'm tired of feeling
That when anything is possible why can't I die

Ayudame, help me
Talking to my mind
My soul my soul why do you break yourself
Berate yourself as if tomorrow is but a dream

Ghost

I steal from her
Brick and mortar
To add to my foundation
Made of so little
rubble and debri
she wants this and wants that
but never stops
Never ever listens
I know what I want
the expense, knowing
I'm not right,
I am ruthless, and uncaring
Selfishly overbearing,
I blame these things
Upon the tiny shoulders of my self esteem you of course, and you know them,
and they point and accuse you too,
Never me.  
I am a man
Made of Memories
splintered,
Like Glass in a window breaks
Then Falls to pieces
That find Places, spaces Beneath you
Made smaller and smaller still
Rushed away
carried everywhere you were.
Where the need of
Less and less fits,
unless like a man
It proves too imperfect,
Until I find my ending
I imagine it Deep & blue,
Richest Royal,
inviting,
Then I will forgive
Forget ever having been
Walked Upon By you

Anothers struggle is not your burden to bear. Let the washing of your cosmic tide keep you clean from all the debri thats being thrown into the sea.

Shh.
Let me listen to the silence,
Give my brain some space.
I can't hear what I feel
So I don't know what my
Heart is telling me.
Let me walk through the rain,
To help wash away the debri inside of me,
So I can think.
Let each drop
Distract each thought
Till everything I have thought up
Has been washed down.
Give me no reason but one to be happy,
I don't understand the negativity
You hand out like lollipops
And inject like a heroic vaccine  
Into the arms of those infected
With joy, peace, and laughter.
Bad blood donated to make a nation of bland,
Where every one is an emotional-*******...
Shh! Do you hear that?
It's my heart,
Speaking through the silence
Saying, there has been no conclusion
To my feelings
So mind whats left of your manners
And let me finish my story.

Scattered across the floor,
I see my life laid out in front of me.
Detailed pieces of my life,
Highlighted in yellow,
Red, purple, and green.

Sorted into lessons,
Triumphs, losses, and utter despair.
But something is missing.
Something's not there.

Laid before my eyes.
A lifetime of living,
With happiness missing.
There is no highlighting in pink.
No moment not ruined,
By loss or lesson.

My daughter's birth,
Ruined by a mother who,
Showed up to the labor room,
So drunk standing wasn't an option.

And now even in moments,
Of greatness.
My "happiness" is missing.
As if it never existed in my world.

A tattered and torn world.
Covered in Ash and debri.
Who created this world?
Was it really me.

My anxities and depression.
My agoraphobia and OCD.
Creating a world.
That isn't quite right for me.

Scattered across the floor.
Laid out in front of me.
Are highlighted moments,
In a world built to destroy me.

Somethings in life are just too good to be true and he was no exception. He was just another broken promise. He wasn’t the light at the end of the tunnel, he was the darkness. The reason the tunnel clasped on me bringing me to my knees, filling my lungs with debri making it impossible to breathe. He was an illusion, a mirage, a lie and false hope. He was the person I thought I loved, but he was just a boy. A boy who left me like I was nothing, leaving me feeling worthless, lost, empty and confused. Hopeless. Searching for answers. It's like I'm frozen and the world around me is moving and all I can do is watch. I have no control. I feel like no matter what I do, I lose. I try I give it my all and I'm the one left hurt and in tears. They all leave me and toss me to the curb like I'm trash. Like I'm disposable, expendable and replaceable. They break me. Destroy me and shatter me into pieces so small they fade into dust. I'm left alone, a damaged girl to pick up the pieces that fall through the gaps of my fingers and disappear into the cold, harsh wind. It's so easy to throw a smile on my face and pretend. Pretend I'm okay to make the people around me feel better, when I'm just a sad, lost girl who is hurting, not knowing where to go or who to turn to. Me saying I'm okay is just as useless and fake as his love was for me. They're just words, empty words with no truth or meaning to them. And now because of him my walls are castles. I'm the girl isolated and locked away, I'm screaming, but you won't be able to hear me. I'm hiding beyond bricks and walls that are so high they touch the clouds, I swallowed the keys. I don't know if I can be helped. He took an innocent part of me, a piece of my heart that I won't ever be able to get back. I know time heals all wounds, but time please hurry up, put me back together again, fix the hole in my heart, erase my mind and take away the pain. Show me a sign that my search for happiness isn't hopeless, that I deserved to be loved. I want to let go of all of this and move on, but I'm scared that this is going to haunt me forever. I feel like I'm waiting for something that will never happen. It really hurts when you realize that you aren't as important to someone as you thought you were. So sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart. Sometimes all you can do is smile, move on with your day, hold back the tears and pretend you are okay. I loved him, but he lied, cheated and took advantage of me. Destroying my outlook on love, future relationships and the peace within me. I never believed people when they said how much it hurts to have your heart broken until it was me. Until it was me laying on my bedroom floor with mascara dripping down my cheeks, until it was me. It was me gasping for air and crying uncontrollable. That night he killed me, his toxins filled my lungs. He broke down my walls, but then he just broke me. Sometimes I wonder if it's me, if I'm too broken to be loved. I often wonder if I will ever find someone who would be willing to love a girl with an imperfect heart covered in patches and scars. Falling in love is so scary, it's like handing someone a gun, having them point it right at your heart and praying to God they never ever pull that trigger. I have learnt that people will leave you even if they have promised you a thousand times that they won't, and saying goodbye to him was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me all at once. But I gave him seven months and he doesn't get to have another second of my time. Now all I want and all I need is to be okay again. And just maybe it is okay to feel alone, lost and empty. For all things that are lonely it finds company, everything that is lost is meant to be found and empty things eventually get filled. I have lived through terrible times and they to have passed. I am a survivor and I have gone through hell to find heaven. And maybe, just maybe I needed to break to make myself whole again. Deep down I know I will find myself again somehow, someway. It is a lesson I don't quite understand yet, but everything happens for a reason and I just need to keep moving forward. He broke me but he doesn't get to define me