All I wanted
Was an I love you.
That didn’t sound like an apology.

Make love like an apology.
Shop for groceries like an apology
Hold me, like an apology
Eat your dinner,
Like an apology
Watch TV, like an apology
Take a shower, like an apology
Brush your teeth, like an apology

Fall asleep,
Dream of a life where you don’t have to feel so lonely.
When you say I love you
I say I’m sorry
I wanted a love that felt like celebration.
All you knew how to do
Was feel guilty,
For not wanting me anymore,
But refusing to go.

Seafoam green
Blond waves
Crashing
Into weary seas

I saw an entire ocean
In your eyes
Your gaze could move mountains
But calmed the storm in me

A lone lighthouse
Your heart was a beacon
Guiding me home

But an albatross
Won’t make a nest
Until it finds a mate
And it’s hard to swim
In a hospital gown
All you can do is drown

You can’t reach the ground
What I would give to hear the sound
Of your voice
One last time

When asked how I feel about men
I have come to a reply
That is at once concise and yet insufficient
But I say
Men make me wish I didn’t have a face.
Make me contemplate how much easier it would be to be a featureless blob
Men turn the phrase “flesh prison” from meme into reality
Men make me feel less than human
Men make me feel helpless
Bound tight within a world that tells me
The struggle is futile
Your cries for help will be silenced
Men make a mockery of beauty
They smother and crush all that is precious in this world
Men make me want to light this body on fire
Just to watch them choke on the smoke.

I want to wake up to you every morning
And kiss you before bed every night
I want to hold you when I want to
Just because it felt right
I want to tell you how much I love you
With my hands when words just wont suffice
I want to keep you
I've waited so long to meet someone
Just like you
Just, you

I would argue that to miss someone is a form of grieving.  So many of our emotions are related to a sense of loss however real or imagined.   Although we may be able to conceptualize that a separation is temporary that fact may be of little solace to one's body.   To long for someone is synomnous with grief. Desire is rooted in a want for something that is lacking.   To miss someone is to ache for them.  To both reject the notion of being parted and to be compelled to correct this error.  Yet we so often can not.   Our bodies protest.  They cry out for regularity,  to right this wrong, to motion to correcting this sense of loss.   Perhaps this is why I feel justified in saying that parting from you is a little death that I am still grieving from. That I am attending a funeral no one else can see.

It's not like missing you
It's a withdrawl
It feels so consuming and yet
I witness it all with a clinical understanding

There's an emptiness inside of me
That moves to envelop the space
Where you once stood
Here I see myself
The quiet so much louder in your absence
I am reminded how disappointed I am in myself

my mental health has not been so good as of late
but I keep telling myself
it's alright
it's no big deal
it shall pass
and it does pass,
I tell myself that I should sleep
exhaustion weighing down on me
and yet my worry makes it impossible to sleep.
I am brooding.
Reminination is what they call it.
and so I am greeted with the fear,
the paranoia
of every could be.
My chest is aching
my heart beating too heavy
I tell myself that I am fine
it's not so bad
I wonder tho
what healthy looks like.