7 hours of tears
An incessant cascade
Swollen eyes and pale face
Deep blue crescents carved
With blunt knives
By 1 hours sleep and
All functions cease because
You don't want me

When your 3am text shot me
It hit my spine and I was paralysed
The deepest layer of hell is ice
And that’s where my body resided
Agony spilling over into numbness
As infection set in
I stood in front of the tsunami of misery
And let it smash down on my head

I think it broke my skull
I keep finding fragments of me
On the shores of my subconscious
Trying to gently piece them together
Dedicated to the hunt and
Giving them everything
But they don’t want to come back
They say they need time

I wanted to care for you
Until you forgot how to be broken
But it was muscle memory for you
That didn't leave on whim
You had to break me too
Until I became the floor
Under your feet
That couldn't stop supporting you

I gave you my existence
But you gave me half
And I was still thirsty after
Half a glass of water
On a warm night
During passionate ***
But I'm even more parched
With the nothing I have now

Now I have to erase
Your dancing tiger eyes
Burning holes in mine
And talking
Late into the night
Until we hallucinated
And didn't know who we were talking to
Anymore

I just want you to stop leaving
Over and over
Like you do in my dreams
A thought loop I can’t leave
And even now you’re gone
You still want to play
With the wound in my chest
Picking off the scab when it tries to heal

If you had nails
You'd dig them into my brain
But you chewed them all off
Leaving unsightly stumps
So you resort to other games
Touching me tenderly
Then pushing me away
I hope you’re having fun

We were only alive during the night
You were nocturnal
And I wished the day away
So I could fall into your arms
And admire the contrast
Of our hair and skin
Rich brown on milky white
Gold on black

The sun always anaesthetised you
As it peered into your room
Stealing your essence
Leaving you a demotivated husk
But the night gave it back
And I was always grateful
That I could have the real you then
I gave up my day for my nights with you

I’d wait through all the smoking
Watching you try to fill the void
Hunting for a way
To try and straighten out
All your vicious insecurities
Too scared to deal with them sober
But you never needed to be high
For me to love you

I want my nerves to register
Your teeth clamped on my bare skin,
Pressure around my neck
And hands on my hips.
Your touch snaking all over
My fragile body
With locked lips
And your soft hair under my fingers

You infiltrate every memory
Imprinting your half smile
Behind my eyelids
I can still feel your hands
The lines they traced
I wish they'd trace more
Something to sooth
The hole in my chest

Sunlight shines through the hole but
Even as its edges become less raw
It's still punched through my chest
My heart’s missing
I hope you have it
Because I’d like it back at some point
Maybe we can plant it in the hole
And fertilise it with new flesh

I wish I could make more memories
And lie in bed with you for hours
But you won’t let me
You’re tidal, pushing and pulling
Until I disintegrate
In your sea of indecision
I’ll do whatever you want me to
I just wish it didn’t make me so sad

Sugar
A thousand colours combine
        in a war, a rage against darkness
and nothingness, the evils and goods of this anaesthetised numbness
residing within me,
                blinding with the promise of the blank canvas
                                                             the porcelain wrist before the cancer takes hold.
For that is what I am, a Cancer.
   A breath of hot air against your innocent flesh,
         suffocating, intoxicating.
   You yearn for me in all I am
      from the moment dark hands drag me from life
      til your lips close around my scent,
            an envelope of love letters
            you never sent.

I am your addiction
    (let me be the sugar within you)

               your infatuation
                   (stir me into your tea)

                              your drug.

Let me in.
Let me in
                  and I will **** you from the inside out,
I will ignite your eyes with flames
                  and the world will marvel at your beauty,
   like acid at the back of your throat
      tears burning
         like fireflies
            like embers dancing
                  none but me will see the ashes fall inside you.
A black snow,
   drifting slowly down inside you
A black snow,
   nothingness has won; the war is over
   as your speech becomes slurred
A black snow,
   come
      to make me grey
         as I watch your mind unravel
                                           like the wire of an old cassette tape
                                                                                           and wind around my neck.





You thought it made sense,
this story.
Like the words had an order
Like your footsteps had an order
as you danced across the ballroom of my flesh.
one two three
       two two three
engraving your history
into my skin.
As though it cannot be undone,
Like the letters cannot unwrite themselves
Like you cannot find yourself
in a snare of black cassette wire
screaming
as it winds itself around the tree trunks and branches that scatter your mind;
piecing me back together.
Like the letters cannot unwrite themselves
the snow cannot fall upwards
the ashes cannot fall upwards

Like you cannot find yourself lost in the forest of this story you found yourself in
and retake
       retake
your very last breath.

You thought it made sense,
this story

*J.S.

Turning nocturnal
Eternally slipping deeper
Into sleepless abyss
Darkness shrouds
Thoughts drowning
Crowding internal
Futile attempts
My vile mind can't find peace

Awake but paralysed
Open eyes
But anaesthetised
Restraining
Taming fury that abides
Inside
Cold to the core
Unsure
What it's all for

. Thought tormented mind

       pain pierced heart

            tortured soul.


     Hide this dementing

    daylight, inhale utopia,

    ****** an eternal now.

I lie in the half light, shadow of dusk approaching.
Beside me lie the empty boxes of every prescribed drug I could find.
Confetti of blister packs surrounds me.
Too late now.. It's done!

The telephone lies within my drowsy reach.
Three little numbers.... I picture them in my head... Those three 9's that could still change the outcome .....
My index finger twitches briefly.. I see it.. Then it returns to stillness.

I feel a little sedated now....ever so slightly detached and I think to myself that's  a good thing ..
To drift away on a sea of peace and tranquillity,


I hear the most haunting melody.. Real or imagined I can't tell......then I smile to myself.
As if my exit from this world would be accompanied by beautiful music!
Alas I shall slip from this world unnoticed.. Without so much as birdsong.


I shall leave behind so little to aid remembrance  ..: no real evidence that I was ever here ,
A tinge of sadness in my drug soaked mind....
Not completely anaesthetised yet..still pain there in my heart.

I turn my head.. The telephone eyeballs me...
My finger twitches a second time .
I feel strange now.. Floaty and ethereal ,
The pain has nearly gone away.

I roll clumsily towards the telephone,
It seems to be moving away from me .. The bed is enormous,
I know there's not much time ...
I stare stupidly at the receiver.

Three little numbers....then nothing.
Nothing for quite a long while,
Then the smell of hospitals assuages my nostrils,
Wearing a crisp white sheet.. Not a shroud..

I muse  if my failure to die was a weakness or a strength?
To leave or face a nothingness world...
Perhaps there is no glory in either choice,
Each path as empty and desolate as the other....

well i went to the park,
for a lark,
and have to concede,
quaffed some beloved mead,
and briefly anaesthetised from pain,
will consider it again
and good company was to be had
of which i was glad
if not slightly mad
but glad to be mad
and will do it again
and remain
a girl insane
now drinking water
as i know i oughter
and glad of the relief
be it brief
Doctor, can you please prescribe me some mead?
by Jemia 🦋💕