sometimes, i miss being sick.

i miss the feeling of my sharp ankles on the cold scale. the scale has been hidden from my judgemental eyes.

i miss the automatic caloric calculator, the blinding neon-sign. it's still there, always and impossible to ignore, like television subtitles. but i eat anyway.

i miss the feeling of my jeans becoming baggier around pencil legs. yesterday i had to go to american eagle to buy the same pair of ripped jeans, two sizes larger than what i was a year ago.

i miss the blue polka-dot Tupperware in the farthest corner of my closet that i used to erase the shame of feeling full. i can't have containers anywhere in my bedroom.

i miss the feeling of drinking so much water that my body becomes a shallow pool that my insides float in. i have a limit on the amount of fluids i can consume in a day.

i miss walking into a meal knowing exactly how to eliminate all of it, without question. now when i do behaviors i feel the shame of my whole family in my chest.

i miss karaoke nights. i can't sing any of the songs i did in the hospital. it just feels wrong.

i miss sitting in a circle of other sick girls and forgetting, for a moment. they're in different places all over the world, enjoying life as recovered anorexics.

i miss staying up late talking to my roommate and questioning whether recovery is worth it, or even possible. she's in california with her girlfriend, enjoying being alive.

i miss licking salt of ice cubes. everything is locked into safes.

but mostly, i miss you. you're gone.

.

my fragile skin may never fade
but maybe weeds
can still sprout through
i can paint daisy chains across my scars
and roses in the hollows of my collarbones
wildflowers grow
from the inside out
through cracks in my flesh
and in the valleys between each rib
slow and steady
up my throat until i choke
but that's okay because
at least it wasn't food
i'll swallow bouquets
to keep my starvation in full bloom.

two girls ran under the bridge, fingers intertwined
the ***** of their feet swept the concrete floor
their laughter filled up volumes
louder than the cars speeding through the night
louder than the church bells across the town
but they knew they were there.

loving an anorexic is hard, i would assume. borderline impossible. how can you love someone who has so much hatred for their body?

my first relationship ended because he was sick of watching me spit pasta into napkins and hide bread in my sleeves
he cheated on me and i watched the most cliché stereotype turn me angry and spiteful
he told me he couldn't love someone who loved their eating disorder more than they loved him

i want to be angry about this, but i can't
he was right. i was always going to choose ed over him
i would rather die from starvation than let go of my eating disorder for him

in that sense, he wasn't the only one who cheated.

i will not grow up, not ever! i will stay in my yellow house with my mummy and daddy and we will love each other forever. my sisters and me will play pretend all day and eat cookies if we feel sad. i will become a teacher like mrs. lewis but i will give all of my students extra playtime and let them know that i'm secretly a kid too. my daddy tells me that one day i will leave my house and go to college, and my granny tells me that she will die one day. when they say those things it scares me but it also feels too far away to matter! and i know if those things happen i will just eat ice lollies and reverse it with my secret witch powers. i want to be so many things, and i will be if i believe! i want to be a mermaid on a magical island and make friends with all the human children. i want to live in the jungle and have a huge tiger who will be my best friend and let me ride on his back. i want to be a ballerina quite a lot, but my daddy says all they eat is salad, and although i really love salad, i really really like burgers and ice cream too. my daddy knows so much. someday i will know as much as him but i will still be a kid. when i bring home good marks, my daddy says he is proud of me. i like it when he says he's proud of me. everything will stay exactly how it is, forever!