who was I one year ago?
a sad little drugged up ***
no one taught me anything
I was so desperate, so eager to please
please don't go, stay with me
I'll do what you want, give you anything
everyone took advantage
of my biggest defect
I don't know how to say that word
I'm programmed to talk but not to be heard
I can't stand up
I don't fight back
but if I was Marty McFly
I'd take it all back
I'd save myself
from my biggest heartaches
the worst mistakes
I've ever made
I wouldn't be so troubled now
so negative and bent
maybe I'd be loved right now
if I hadn't hurt all of them
but **** it all
I'll just get high
fly to the moon
and drown in the sky.


*s.mndi

feeding me lines
and I take them with ease
I take as I please
codependent like daddy
can't stand to stand alone
always need somebody
for me to call my own
take care of me
oh baby please
I need I need I need
I fall in love way too fast
becoming too attached
and then I can't seem to grasp
the idea that you could leave
now I'm alone
I can't find where to go
because I've only been taught to follow
to hold on and depend
I just want love and nurturing
I'm sick of all my friends
but somehow I've made it this far
broken, bruised, and left with scars
but I'm still alive and I'm all I need
I'll say goodbye to the broken me
like I said goodbye to you.


*s.mndi

sew my eyes shut
no I don't want to see again
I want to learn to see within
I don't want to see myself
in all my glorious filth
point me to the sun
eyes wide open and run
let my demons out on the way
gotta be clean for judgement day
nobody wants a *****
a home wrecking bore
all she does is take take take
self destructive nature
is the downfall to her fate
you'd think she has no ears
ignoring the bad things that she hears
how can you possibly stay?
get out now, baby, run away
close your eyes and count to three
spin in circles, now you're free
don't go back, they're history
come on, baby, now you're free
run further than the eyes can see


*s.mndi

I am my father's daughter
the apple of his eye
that didn't fall too far from his tree
the fruit of the same loom
that I use to weave my web of lies
always shady
like I'm perpetually standing under those branches

I am my mother's daughter
her second cracked egg
that should have grown into a dove
but came out a vulture instead
didn't need a nudge to leave the nest
I was first to fly the coop
a free bird
while the others flew straight into a cage

Now the tree went up in flames
and took the nest with it
and I'm starting to think that
maybe
I was a Phoenix all along
and from the ashes
comes the new soil
that I need
to grow.


*s.mndi

We sat in the backseat of your car
parked across the street from the
godawful
house I was staying in at the time.
We sat quietly for a few moments
still unsure of how to act around each other now.
I could feel your eyes on me
a smile forming automatically.
(**** nerves)
"What are you thinking about?"
I turned to meet your gaze
and an unspoken staring contest began.
Without a pause
you answered,
"I was wondering if I've ever told you you're beautiful."
It was unexpected.
It was honest.
It was cute as hell is what it was.
I thought about it for a second. "Probably."
I shrugged. Playing it cool.
Pretending a whole migration of butterflies
did not just migrate right into my stomach.
We thought some more
and then
you whispered
"you're gorgeous"
and I felt my heart break.


*s.mndi

You know that feeling when you can't remember if something really happened or if you only dreamed it?
That's what it felt like the first time you said you loved me.

It happened in that fine line of time
the border
between late that night
and early the next morning
when you can't find the sun
or the moon
and the sky's a pinkish shade of blue.

On my knees
in the bathroom
too much liquor
never been sicker
my stomach coming up
through my throat
angry with me
letting me have it

You stood behind me
"shh baby" & "its okay"ing me in cooing whispers
rubbing my back
petting my hair
despite all the times I slurred my words at you
telling you to get out
thinking about how disappointed you must be

and then I heard it
and I know I was drunk
but I heard it
you said
"I love you too, Sarah. I love you too."
and you kept saying it
and I kept thinking
"This is real. She said this. Please remember this. Oh god, please remember."

I woke up the next morning
next to you
thank god, you were still there
and you asked if I remembered anything from last night
and I said I think I do
but I still wasn't sure if it really happened
and you confirmed it
and laughed
and said "of course that's the only thing you remember"
and I smiled
because that was all I needed to


*s.mndi

When she kisses me?
It's like a fairytale in reverse.
Her lips put me under a trance.
Instead of waking me up
I fall into a deep unconsciousness.
Rather than breaking a spell
she puts me under her own.
Maybe that's the reason
I'm always dreaming of her.


*s.mndi