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Julia Shalom Aug 2020
That is what he thought I was.
But I am poisonous.
Deadly and beautiful, the greatest contradiction,

I long to be loved.
But I know that anyone who loves me,
I can't help love back.
But whenever someone gets that close,
My poison transfers to their heart.
Until the one I love, dies.

So I don't let anyone love me.
I don't allow myself to love.
The consequences are too great.
And I can't lose you.
Not again.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
Beautifully ordered chaos.
That is what he called me.
Like an overgrown flower garden.
From afar all you see are the flaws;
Scattered, secretive, excitable, overwhelming.
But upon close inspection,
One can detect a slight order.
Splotches of color and variety.

But to see any true beauty,
You can't just view it from the outside.
You have to get within.
You have to fully know it.
And when you get inside,
That is when you see the beauty.

He saw my beauty where others saw only chaos.
But he also saw my chaos,
It is a part of me.
And he thought it was beautiful.
He thought I was beautiful.
He saw all my flaws,
And accepted them.
Accepted me.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
After years of mistakes,
After pushing you away,
Are you still there?

I keep looking up,
Expecting you to be gone.

But ever time I do.,
I am bewildered.
Bewildered that you are still there.
Bewildered by Love.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
Bitter memories
Become bittersweet,
When you share them with a friend."
~Donna (Suits)
Julia Shalom Sep 2020
That morning Glory
Which children spread.
Over earth and sky,
Lingers like secret sunshine.
Permeating a multitude of roofs,
A multitude of rooms.

On oceanside grey,
Their precious feet tread.
Bringing refresh of light,
With every laugh.
I gaze at the sand,
With remnant proof that
Children of light walked here.
When I am still,
The Wind brings me
Whisper of their joy.

Giggling brooks,
Shining stars,
Vibrant flowers of the field,
Cannot compare
To the sweet music
Of Child's contagious laughter,
And the light God gave them,
Shining clear through their eyes of bright.
The first paragraph has some themes inspired by G.K. Chesterton's book on Saint Francis of Assisi.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
I am in a room.
So many people
They just can't seem to stop talking,
having a good time.

Can't they see it is futile?
Can't they see I am in pain?
Can't they see I need quiet?

No, they can't.
But maybe that is because I can't either.
Maybe I don't know myself so no one knows me.

I don't want to be seen.
I want to disappear.
To be a mystery.

But I can't stop their eyes.
I can't change who I am.
But I can change how I see myself.

So I will.
I will see myself,
Not through my eyes.
But through His eyes.
Julia Shalom Sep 5
Scared to break another heart
Scared to find love in all this dark
But love light came to my shadows
Chose me his target
Said I was worth it
Said I was gold
Every little thing you do
Echos the promise:
"I love you"
You screenshot our facetimes
You stay up all night
You listen to my fears
And help me to fight
You told me that I'm worth the risk
Of broken hearts and broken dreams
You told me but you showed me too
I know your promises ring true
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
No one understands me.
This is something I am sure of.
They might think they have me figured
But they only see my acts.
My mind is a place uncharted,
What you find there weird and unknown.
My friends think they have me figured,
But they don't.
I don't want them to.
If I can't even figure myself out
Then how can they know me?
They know what I show them.
And what I show them is real.
But it isn't me in entirety.
Why do I enjoy the sense of mystery?
Why do I like being the outsider?
All people are unique.
But not all people are this deep.
When no one understands,
There is not to do but leave.
Once alone my mind may roam,
Free to wander in secret solitude.
There I find that once again,
I am alone in my path.
No one, no not one
Know what it is to be me.
I can't truly place it,
I don't know if I could should I try,
But deep down inside
Is a secret.
My friends don't know me,
My family doesn't either,
Not even I.
But there is one who sticks closer,
Closer than a brother or sister.
He knows my heart,
Where I only know confusion.
He saved me from myself,
His Name is Jesus.
When I am stressed or not doing well I tend to feel the negative sides of an enneagram 4. Even in my darkest days though, Jesus loves me and always saves me. He fully knows all my faults, and even though he knows me better than I know myself, he fully accepts every part of me.
Julia Shalom May 13
it's 3am
you're on my phone
so close
and yet so far
and so many times
when I heard your breathing
did I want to listen to your heart beating in your chest
and feel the rise and fall of your breath
I wanted to kiss those sleeping lips
and whisper pretty truths
and never have to leave you
till the morning dawned anew
Julia Shalom Jun 18
You say I'm the best you've ever had
But how does that make any sense
Cause I've never ever been good enough for you
For you
I don't know if I can ever be enough
So how can anyone
Anyone else
Ever be good enough
For you

You saw me in a light
That made it appear I had no flaws
So once they started coming out
You thought it was all wrong
I've always had this side to me
The closer you get the more you'll see
But you thought I was perfect
So when my struggles appeared
You weren't prepared
You aren't prepared
For me

You're afraid to lose me
And I'm afraid to lose you too
But I also need me
And if you're so afraid to lose me
That you can't let me be me
Then I don't know what to do
I want to be perfect
For you
But I have to be true
For me
So I don't know what to do
For us
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
I don't want the world to see me.
Because they wouldn't understand.
Julia Shalom May 15
I don't want to hear how your day's been going
I don't want to hear what cool things you did
Cause you left me here instead
You broke me open
and now I'm dead
I don't want to hear how your girlfriend's feeling
I don't want to know that you love her more. 
I was your best friend
But I guess nothing ever more 
And I hate that. 
Cause you left me all alone
you broke my heart and didn't even know
So I'm all alone
Crying on my own
And you'll be with your friends
she's probably there taking you to her bed
and I'm just here
where you left me in the dark
crying on a bench
So please don't tell me any more
How great you're life is now that you found her
Cause I can't help but wish
that you would notice me
Julia Shalom Mar 7
First we were falling,
Falling in love.
I wondered if you felt the same,
You were also thinking of me.
You became the reason,
for all the good and the bad.
Then I asked you not to leave,
I wanted to love you my whole life.
But what is happening now.
Are we drifting apart?
could we?
If you had all this love,
would you let it go?
Please don't give up on me,
i'm not giving up on you.
Hold on.
I still want you.
If you want this love,
you have to go through the pain.
are you prepared?
or not...
I want someone to die for,
I thought you were the someone to die for.
Please before you go,
Could I have done something differently?
Now I'm just someone you used to love.
But I'm so lost without you.
I call out,
but you were already gone.
And now I cry alone.
Because how could I ever love someone else?
What made you leave,
Leave me brokenhearted.
You hurt me a lot,
but I don't want to ever lose these bruises you left behind.
Every night,
I'm jealous of the sheets that hug your body.
I know it didn't last,
but thank you for the happiest year of my life.
You left me,
and now I'm drowning.
Clutching your shirt you left,
Wishing it was you.
I can't fall in love without you.
Please never fall in love without me.
You said forever
You said you'd grow old with me
But where are you now?
If you ever decided to love me again,
I'll be waiting.
I'm waiting.
Julia Shalom Nov 2020
My heart has been infected,
Infected by a plague.
A plague that was once neglected,
And is yet somehow still vague.
It has changed me in a way,
Changed by finding my true self.
My heart, for this plague, has had to pay,
But what it has gained is of greater wealth.
My heart has been torn in two,
And one half has been given away.
Some for me and more for you,
I hope in you my heart will stay.
My heart has been infected,
By what you might ask?
My heart has been infected,
Infected by another,
Infected by a truth,
Infected by a lover.
My heart is infected by you.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
They say it isn't personal.
But it is.
When life throws it all at you.
Every heartbreak,
Every betrayal,
When every person,
Who you thought was a friend,
Breaks your trust.
It is Life saying, "I have a personal vendetta against you."
What do I do?
Julia Shalom May 16
I want to see your smile
I don't think you can ever know
the feeling that you give
when those lips widen in happiness
and your eyes crinkle in glee

I want to see your smile
Bright and cute and sweet
It fills me with warmth and peace
to know that you aren't down

I want to see your smile
the smile that you've shared
I want to kiss that smile
and tell you that I care
I want to gaze into your soul
I want to show you love

I want to see your smile
and gaze into your eyes
and notice that you're gazing back
and suddenly realize
that you're smiling for someone special
You're smiling for someone loved
I want to see your smile
a smile meant for me
Julia Shalom Mar 2
You release a balloon,
And it floats to the moon.
Symbolic of life,
Traveling to new horizons.
The soul isn't lost,
It's freed.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
Why does the human heart break?
Sitting by you, at the lake,
I wondered
With a simple word, we falter.
But with a lack of words entirely,
We break.

Oh why is man, who seemed so strong
Crushed in spirit by the silence of a lover?
And how could woman, with all her grace
Lose compassion for he who adores.

Oh my heart by this lovely lake
Do not of man abhor!
Lose from you the folly of youth!
Why must we love when it isn't shared?
Why must we, when one loves us
Be filled with cruel indifference?

Oh, my heart like the lords of this peaceful sky
Like those who return every rotation to shine,
As the stars glimmering in the sea above,
Oh, my heart, be redeemed.
Even when the human heart is cruel and nothing makes sense, the love of Christ surpasses it all. Find redemption in this Love that will never leave you.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
The girl was young.
There was lightning in her eyes.
She was small but fierce,
There was lightning in her eyes.
Her face was solemn with lost innocence,
There was lightning in her eyes.

Fists clenched and jaw tightened at the sounds of injustice.
There was lightning in her eyes.
With barely controlled zeal she approached the scene,
With lightning in her eyes.
In impassioned tone, she released her fury,
With lightning in her eyes.
One word led the oppressors to the gloom of the grave,
The lightning flashed in her eyes.

Her frail body suddenly weighed much more,
The lightning in her eyes flickered.
Those she had freed cautiously approached.
The lightning gaze fixed on them and softened.
A boy came near and held her failing strength together,
He saw the lightning in her eyes.
In one last sacrificial gesture,
The girls instructed him in ancient lyric,
And the lightning left her eyes.

And as the boy stood,
There was lightning in his eyes.
Inspired by the lightning storm, cultivated in a longing for justice, and revealed with selfless sacrifice.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
Where is peace?
When all the world seems in shambles
The cries of the wicked fill the streets
Fill the media
Fill politics
And break in the doors of family.
We have strayed from the path, into brambles.
We have lost our unity,
And traded it for outrage.
Among all this folly, where is peace?
We find peace among creation:
The constant lapping of ocean waves on morning beaches
The chattering of birds as they fly between trees,
The wind rustling in the aspen leaves.
But when you no longer hear those things,
Gone once again is peace.
To survive we must find Peace Everlasting
The Prince of Peace who is
The beginning of all creation's peace.
This Peace is living in you.
He will not leave you nor forsake you.
So when the cares of the world
Burden you with extra weight
And seem to stifle your shalom,
Pray to feel the greater Shalom.
Spread Him to the world.
Accept Him, and live in Peace.
Constant, fearless, joyful, and true,
Is the Shalom living in me and in you.
When I get stressed over the constant outrage in our culture and the world I find inconsistent peace in God's creation. But the supernatural peace provided by Jesus, the Prince of Peace, is everlasting and filled with joy.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
Promise me,
If you are hurting,
If you are lost,
Even if you hate me,
Promise me,
That you will call.
Because I promise you,
I will always be here.
Julia Shalom Jun 18
I've heard it said that beauty is when scars become art
And all I can hope is that that's true
Because I want us to be beautiful.

Right now we have so many hurts,
Skin is torn and hearts are broken.
Trauma clenches our throats,
And trust is still broken.

We have so many slices,
They cut patterns around us,
In our hearts
And between our lips.

As time wears on,
We try to heal.
But these don't really disappear,
They become scars.

So all I can hope,
Is that scars become art.
These patterns tell stories,
They express who we are,
What we've been through.

Our scars express what it is to be us.
And our scars make us beautiful.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
Now she is gone.
Someone I truly loved.
Her name means everlasting beauty.

She is dear to my heart.
The one I could tell anything and everything

She is my sister.
My only sister.

And now she has left.
Moved on to new things.
To a new life.
One without me.

I am going to miss her.
I already miss her.
Not dead, not married, just gone...
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
Do you ever get cold,
And not know why?
You find yourself clenching your teeth
For no reason.
Shivers run their course down your spine,
And for a moment you don't remember.
But then the moment is gone.
He is gone.
No, he would have still been here if not for you.
You pushed him away.
You were already gone.
And now you shiver alone.
This was written in the aftermath of my first break up. I realized I didn't love him and had to let him go. Since then Jesus has healed me and I have found comfort in His love.
Julia Shalom Sep 2020
We sigh and say,
"I hope that happens someday."

But I want to know,
How will it show?
When is "someday,"
Going to be today?

And when "someday" finally arrives,
Will I know that "someday" has come?
Will I realize that it is now?

Or will hindsight only tell,
Of how that day,
That "someday"
Was today?
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
So much to do.
Yet Bored.

Relaxed day.
So Tired.

Could do great things.
But Fill my day with empty acts instead.

Why can't I just be productive?

I can.
I will.
I will stop writing poetry just to fill time.
I go now to make the world a better place.
One act of intention at a time.

Will I see you there?
How I feel today...
Julia Shalom May 12
were you soulmates
and what does that mean
that your souls intertwined
and not just your bodies?
heart to heart
and soul to soul
you matched like puzzle pieces
but where does that leave you now?
i guess soulmates
aren't always meant to be
Julia Shalom Jan 20
Accompanied by blushing hews
The darkest skies chase the magnificent sun to it’s watery grave
The ocean waves rage,
patiently awaiting the burning head as it submerges into the depths
The baby blues turn to royal shades
The gentlest pinks fade to sickly yellow
The ocean greens turn to harsh steel
And down dies the sun
Its accompaniment is now red
Red as blood
The moon usurps the sky and reigns over the stars
Its silvery gleam rains on the ocean waves
It rains over the sleeping multitudes of creation
I witnessed this all
I witnessed the colors merge into black
And I exult in the solitude and the splendor and the magnificence of the moon
In the peace of the waves as they crash
And I lift my eyes to heaven and thank the Lord of hosts that he has given such beauty to the start of each day
In Hebrew culture, the day starts when the sun sets, rather than when it rises...
Julia Shalom Aug 19
I'm grateful for the pain you caused
Thanks for not shutting up about my flaws
Because of you I learned about toxic stress
I know how to be a manipulated mess

You held my face in your hands
Said you were proud of where my actions did land
I guess you like it when I cry
Maybe you feel better about your lies
But you didn't know I was crying because of what you made me do
You controlled my desires and I hated that about you

I didn't know
Scratch that, I knew
I knew you were wrong and treating me bad
But I hurt myself every **** time you asked
Because I thought you were the one
I tried to keep you from leaving
I thought you were the one
Till my heart no longer stopped bleeding

Don't speak to me that way again
Boy, I'm not your lover
Thanks for all the pain you've caused
Do your next girl better
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
Sometimes there is no moon.
Sometimes the sky is completely black.
Sometimes it is filled with beauty,
Sparkling and shining, filled with hope.

But tonight was different.
Tonight I looked at the night sky,
And found myself.
I saw the moon,
Bright and full in the darkness.
But this night was different.
This night it rose and found,
That no one rose with it.
All the stars, abandoned.
Not one was left.

I looked up in the night sky,
And the moon looked back,
With solemn shine.
And we were the only two.
All others had gone,
Gone without mention.
We were alone.
But we were alone together.
I looked up,
And found myself.
Sometimes when I miss him in the lonely moments, all that is left is to find fellowship in the lonely, beautiful, and majestic moon.
Julia Shalom Jun 24
The whys always stay
Why did we kiss
Now I’ll never feel your lips

Every night where I lay
Why does my mind remiss
On every time you put me on emotional trips

The whys never stray
Why’d I fall so hard
Now I’m wasting away
Was my heart to you just a thing for play?
When you left, you left a shard
A shredded fray

Why did I give you all of me
Because as soon as you disappeared from my life I had nothing
I have nothing
Nothing but the whys
Julia Shalom Dec 2020
The year fades like the day at dusk,
It weeps as a widow for what it has lost.
Weeps into the coming tide of the new year.
What this tide will bring
Is but a mystery.
Will it bring rest,
Rest much needed?
Rest from the tempest that was recently ours?
Only the waters know.
We watch the year weep away.
But we don't have to worry.
Whatever the tide brings
It will push me into your embrace.
Rest or toil we will be tied closer,
By a bond unbreakable,
By a love unbreakable.
As the year weeps away,
Our hearts can smile.
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
Look nice,
Wear makeup,
They tell me.

Talk to friends,
Talk to Strangers,
Talk to us,
They tell me.

Eat quietly,
Be generous,
Serve others,
They tell me.

But what if I am not okay?
Makeup can't hide what is inside.
Maybe others won't see it,
But I can't escape.
I can't escape the emptiness.
The pain.
The longing.
Longing to belong,
To be loved,
To love.

So I get down on my knees.
And after prayer,
I know I belong
I am loved.
I love.

And so in truth,
I smile.
I look nice,
But not of my own doing.
My joy is not from me.
My joy is showing through the cracks.
The cracks formed by heartbreak,
And loss.

But those cracks,
They enable the treasure inside to shine out.
So that all around can see,
I belong in Christ,
I am loved by my Savior,
And I love Him.
Julia Shalom May 13
it's always so slow without you
and with you
time seems to speed up
I just want a day with you
without the fear
that one of us will have to imminently leave
those glimpses of heaven
we spend together
are stronger than gravity
are more precious than jewels and gold
and I'd not trade one of them
for anything else this world can offer
Julia Shalom Aug 2020
True Love.
I used to believe in it.
I would dream of the moment I would find it
But that moment never came.
Love, I have never felt.
But I know it is there.
And it is cruel.

Love ends in heartache
Love ends in the separation of friends.
Why is love so important to us?
Why is it important enough to die for,
To sacrifice all for,
To break, over and over for
But then I realized,
We have corrupted love.
Love should be patient, kind, and never-ending.
But for us, Love did die
Love was broken
Love was beaten
Love died, for me
For me, the one who spat on Love.
The one who raged against Love,
While drowning in my own wickedness
I nailed Love to a cross.
I killed Love.
And Love rose, for me.
The one who murdered Him.
So I don't need to despair.
True Love isn't something I earn or acquire.
True Love acquired me.
True Love found me in darkness.
True Love abides in me.
And I will never be alone.
Love has a name, His name is Jesus. 1st Corinthians 13.
Julia Shalom Jun 24
You're in my head
Take my heart
And break it if you want
It's always been yours from the start

I know you don't want me
But I can't help adore you
So here, have my heart
Rip it to shreds
Without ever catching my eye

When I need you
I want you to lie
Say you love me
Say you want me
But it's just a dream
You never were forever

You deserve it all
And I broke myself apart to give it to you
You deserve the whole universe
But I'm just a star

I am nothing to you
But you're everything to me
I love you
Even though you don't let me

You ignore me now
But maybe you never knew me
Do you know,
That you are the obsession
Of a broken shadow?

You never ask what I'm thinking about
You never ask what's on my mind
The answer is always you

And if I could
I'd kiss you till my lungs gave out
You deserve every flower in every field
I'm just a rose who fell for your eyes
But you were afraid of my thorns

You're in my head
But you don't want my heart
Julia Shalom Jun 14
I like you for so many reasons,
but they can also be hard to place.
I love that you're a mystery,
one most have never solved.
I love that you write poetry,
that most will never see.
I love that you don't have a hobby,
Even though it drives me crazy.
Because while you don't have a favorite pastime,
You do have a favorite.
You have me.
I love that you chose me,
To lower down your walls.
I love that with me you're vulnerable,
when elsewhere you're closed off.
I love that your fingers are sweet and tender,
and your whispers are filled with care.
I love that no one else can see,
that you're a sensitive and loving teddy bear.

Beyond all these hidden things,
the open facts are clear.
I love that people love your smile,
Because it's more than dear.
It's the radiating of joy from your heart,
A window into your warmth.
It fills me with bubbly smiles,
whenever it comes forth.
I love that everyone can see,
how adorable it is.
I love that everyone can know,
that smile chose me as it's fit.

So the next time people ask me why it's you
I'll smile and ponder for a bit
Then say with absolute certainty
He's a mystery
And he's given me the key

— The End —