Say what you want
Say how you feel
Every word to me is real
Every emotion, I feel it
Because what matters to you,
Matters to me, too

dear you,
I don’t know why I still write about you, whatever we had cease to exist, but I guess that’s another concept I cannot wrap my head around.
Half of me screams out that I’m over you, and the other half is still very much in love with you, quite the turmoil you’ve created within my heart.
Some days you don’t cross my mind, and others you’re all my mind wanders to.
Everything reminds me of you though, in some aspect at least.
I cannot stop associating things with the golden haired boy who was the physical form of sunshine with the dazzling blue eyes that looked like the ocean.
The sun feels different now, I hate to go outside and feel it because it makes me feel how you did, you were the sun, you still are.
The ocean makes me sick and pitiful, when I go near I a tempted to drown myself in its glisten, the glisten that’s shared with your eyes.

I still care for you, with all of my heart.
I always find myself wanting to tell you certain things like “you should get some sleep darling it’s getting late” or “I hope you’ve eaten good today” or simply asking if you’re okay, but I stop myself because that’s not my position any longer.

I want to stop loving you and I promise I will eventually
the idea of you is still every much infatuated by my heart
my god i promise to stop loving you, we’re different people now.

I promise,,

You know those movies where there is someone who can read minds?
They are able to know what everyone is thinking?
That person usually does the coolest things with his power
Except at the end, he kills himself

You see, I have a power kinda like that
Except I feel what others feel
There was this girl I met once
This is how it went

The second she walked through the door, here overwhelming presence of pain and lost dreams collide over me like a tsunami
And she spoke, knives of steel spit from her tongue slice into my lings letting in more of the water
As we go to shake hands, the poison from the blade she once held drips onto my skin burning like acid
Every faulty statement and untrue word is like a **** to my head
She tried to cover up her scars with a smile that fades when the lights are out, and a personality made up of broken promises
If you were to meet her, you'd fall in love
But to look inside her mind is like opening Pandora's box
I smiled and waved as the last of her words ripped my heart apart

With the last of her presence leaving the room
I wake stretching for breath
Opening my eyes to find I'm in my room
Realizing I've just met myself

I’ve been holding on
just to see if maybe
you’d pull me out
on the other side
But I’m not strong
and I can’t hold up
my limp body
I can feel my hands
slipping off the edge
I’m falling now
I can feel the pain as
I wait to hit the ground
as I watch the light
turn to darkness
You watch me
You let me

She sits rather still, stitching her loom
shackled and bound to the whispering room
While the walls shutter speeches
she slouches then reaches,
her stitching resumed.

Threads of silk pool in spools
cast to the floor
Hushing the voices
as they pour

the voices repeat their crippling phrase
dancing the space
bound to their maze

“It’s just a disease”
They tell me.
But really, it is more than that.
Taking, taking, it just takes what you love
And leaves a big
E M P T Y
Hole.

“It’s just one person”
They tell me
But really, it is more than that.
Taking, taking, it just takes who you love
And leaves a big
E M P T Y
Hole.

“We can still remember him”
They tell me.
But really, how can you?
When he didn’t remember you?

It’s not just a disease.
It’s not just one person.
You may not ever remember him,
How he was
Before.

Before,
He offered us popsicles,
And told us stories
Like the one with the toll bridge.

Before,
He knew my dad
And not just as a “Gastonia boy”.

Before,
He gave us hugs
And you can’t hug someone
You don’t recognize.
You can’t love someone
You don’t recognize.

And yet he does.

i hope everything is okay
i still worry about you
i engraved you in my heart
you're still one of my first thoughts in the morning
i want to be normal friends
i miss the conversation
how's your girlfriend
i hope you're happy with her
how's the family
i hope they're well too
i hate how awkward we are now
anyways
i hope you're doing well
i am i promise

s.s