Cracked lips,
starving for just a drop,
running my tongue over them,
hoping that you'll grace me with a few dark clouds,
a rain shower,
no matter how brief.
The crackling lightning and thunder
would be a welcome consequence
to the desperate vying for your attention.
I drag my anguished limbs across the expanse of your sand and clay floor,
wavering between a hope for an end,
and a hope that if I keep going
and prove myself,
that you'll put me out of my misery yourself.
Your sun beats down on me with a hot weight
that I've grown used to.
In the distance,
visions of lush, green-dusted mountains dance,
but I learned long ago that they remain at the same distance,
no matter how far I walk.
I've had fantasies of shimmering lakes
and Edens full of colorful blossoms and succulent fruits,
but despite my hunger,
despite my thirst,
and despite the aches that burden my body,
the most beautiful delusion I've succumbed to,
is one of you,
appearing before me,
and holding out your arms in that perfect, sweet embrace,
knowing that it would relieve my every ailment.

Sometimes a single apple
Can ruin the whole lot.
Perfect
and shiny
and ruby-red,
crumbling into bruised wrinkles
and spotty, brown lumps.
Before long,
the bowl is brimming with the sundown of a harvest's life,
and flies begin to swarm.
And even when some are left,
bright and fresh,
newly ripe,
I won't go near them,
for fear of turning them over and finding the ugly,
mushy
evidence of their flaws.
Just like the others,
almost worse,
because they allow for an optimism,
in your hunger,
you allow the glimmer of hope
and reach for one
hesitantly.
But no,
it's just like the others,
only deceptive,
pretending to be something that can satiate your needs,
when in truth,
it's just another piece of rotting fruit.

Walking outside, I feel the cold before it really hits me.
The loneliness of the campus after night class amplifies the bone-deep chill sweeping between cement buildings.
It’s nights like these that are the worst for my memories of you.
This liminal season, the bridge between fall and winter, is ruled by you.
The rough texture of your wool coat
brushing against my soft cardigans and billowing scarves,
the opaque black of your irises apathetically gazing down
into my upturned, wide-open ones,
liquid chocolate and trusting.
These are the things that plague the colder nights,
particularly when I’m on my own.
The evening drizzle descends and ****** my skin, as if trying to drive the memories deeper.
**** you.
I try to shake off the droplets, but they cling to my clothing, unwilling to let go.
Part of me pretends that when I arrive at my car
and turn on the heat
and the steady thrum of the engine drowns out the silence of solitude,
that the memories this weather brings will fade away.
But I know that's not true.
I want you.
Even now.
With the knowledge that behind your charming, lopsided smile,
you're a disorganized monster,
I should be able to tamp down the recollections,
like weak, sizzling embers.
Instead, they flood into me as the rain grows colder,
and I grow more numb.
Images of you,
unruly, wind-blown locks,
just begging for my caress.
You scent clings to you, a heady mixture of old books,
paint,
sawdust,
and tobacco.
From your lips, your cigarette dangles as if it belongs there,
taking a drag with all the nonchalance of a person slowly killing themselves,
and enjoying it.
In this particular memory,
I stand beside you,
as opposite from you as one can be.
The scent of the jasmine oil I bathe in floats on the wind, wafting off of my soft, pink scarf,
and my white coat conceals every inch of my body, from neck to knee.
But you,
your coat wide open,
gaping in the wind,
reveals the taught, black t-shirt  underneath,
narrowing into long, lean legs,
that I can't forget,
can't forget what they look like crossed,
stretched out in front of you as you lean back in your chair.
I'll never forget that image.
And, unfortunately,
I'll also never forget the sound of you
saying that I'm not enough.
Your tone suggests that I'll never be enough.
And it's not a rejection of my affection.
Just a fact.
I'm not enough.
When you're near,
I can have what I want from you.
But it's a passive action,
and no matter what I take from you,
it always feels as though I'm the only one giving.
And of course
that I'm not enough.
Reaching my car, I fish for my keys,
the familiar fluttering of my chest reminding me that I'm not safe,
a woman lingering alone in a parking lot,
but soon, I'm in the comfort and safety of my car.
The intimate and achy feeling of being somewhere I know,
but still feeling unwelcome,
wrong.
I sigh,
my breath coming out in a cloud of vapor in the cold, stale air of the car.
Even here, visions of you appear out of the corner of my eye,
vibrating with the hum of the radio,
and yet another memory crawls up my throat.
You,
breathless,
reaching for me,
because you've succumbed to the ferocity pumping in your veins
and clawing your fingers,
digging into my hips and my hair,
with complete disregard for the ornate pins holding it up.
The windows are frosted with our breath,
and from the speakers croons an indie singer,
singing something about her self-worth,
because "what good is she
if she can't speak her mind?"
At the time,
my only concern was how to steal your words and your breath,
straight from your lips,
but now,
I think back,
as I peer through the downfall on my muddled windshield,
and wonder...
what good am I?
If I'm not enough for him,
what good am I?
If I'm not enough for anyone,
what good am I?

Little white lights and little white pills,
Hoping they both do something for the memories sloshing around in my head,
**** them like bacteria?
Little bit of alcohol,
Shrivel them up with that bitter bitter,
***** ‘em out with my head under water,
Voice out far,
I’ll put on a show,
Strutting around on that hardwood floor,
Emerge stage right, through a prop door,
Blow a kiss to the crowd
At the end of the show,
If I pretend hard enough,
They’ll never know.
But won’t they,
If they find the empty, orange vials,
While I’m caking on stage makeup,
All the colors of denial,
And they know those aren’t tic tacs in my bathroom sink,
And it’s not apple juice
In my iced down drink,

But I can stand up, dress up, and play with the rest of them,
Run with the best of them,
Binding my panic in,
Tangled up in mic wires
And hair pins
As long as I medicate
Don’t communicate
And wrap it all up
Wind it all in
Nice and tight,
Not a hair out of place,
Big smile on my face,
That’s it,
Maybe that’ll do it,
Maybe I’ll get better this time.

Fighting every step my feet take past the heavy, wooden doors,
my own sharp, shallow breaths the only sound,
interrupted by the scrawl of my name on the gilded book.
Tunnel vision,
it's a real thing after all.
I can't even tell if there's anyone else here,
I can only see the blurry faces of the dejected couple
who grow closer
as I will my legs to keep moving,
moving closer.
I'm not sure if I want to see.
I heard it was horrific,
how are they going to cover that up?
I pause by the couple.
I'm morbidly curious about the way they look,
exhausted,
faces blotched with the discoloration of relentless sadness.
I peel my gaze away at the sound of a familiar tune.
From the soft, dusty speakers in the corner plays a song
one I'd tried to forget for the past few days.
As the strumming of a ukulele layers over the breathy voice,
I close my eyes and allow,
briefly,
the image to appear fully.
There he was,
colorful,
grinning,
seeming to bring a light to the dimly lit wings of the stage,
plucking at the little instrument,
and crooning away.
Around him, gathered, would be his delighted peers,
their usual, foul teenage spirits lifted by his magnetic presence.
Opening my eyes, the colors fade away to the dull browns of the pews and the oak box before me.
With a shuddering breath,
I advance.
Despite the numerous times I've done this in the past,
it never disturbs me any less.
And this time,
I'm extremely aware that just moments ago,
we were children together.
It's wrong, the image of him emerging over the edge of the box
as I come nearer.
It's wrong,
seeing the most active boy I've ever met,
lying so still.
It's wrong,
seeing a somber expression on his face,
already crinkled with laugh lines.
It's wrong,
whispering my goodbyes,
when I've always shouted to him,
from the stage,
from the audience,
across the courtyard,
cheering,
laughing,
singing with him.
It's wrong,
to see him in his stone grey suit,
his ashen knuckles clasped around
black and white rosaries.

Se casse
se brisé
comme des os
ou on verre
alors
je ne guéris pas
parce que je ne suis pas
de chair,
je suis fragile
je suis fait de porcelaine.
Je suis une mosaïque de fissures
et défauts.
On peut dire
je suis né brisé.

Finis, *****.
Nous sommes le finis.
We're done like a bad movie
that's not bad enough to gain a cult following.
Finis, *****.
When you die,
I'll cheat on my diet,
because it'll be worth the calories
to celebrate.
Yeah.
I hate you that much.