I have noticed all along,
That I was always the the one who was wrong.
Even tho I would try to make it right,
It always seems to lead to another fight.
I just want things to be alright...
But, your answer is to keep me out of sight.
As if you've concluded your own light,
While I still try to give this all my might.
Even tho it may not be bright,
Your worth something to me.
Your worth my life.
So until we talk again,
which I hope we might.
All I can really say is,
Goodnight.

How dare I
how dare I
do such a horrendous thing
how dare I
how dare I
do something I can't take back
well here I go
saying no more
            no more
my body my temple
my mind my palace
my soul... my ******* soul.
how dare I
fall so easily
how dare I
maltreat myself so
how dare I
let myself feel so miserable
how dare I
eat bad food
how dare I
lose all control
never again
no not again
I keep telling myself
next time I'll say no
but this time the hurt is too much
the need is too great
how dare I do these things
so no more
     no more
I'm going to make a promise
pray for me that I keep it
how dare I let myself hurt so
so no more
please, to yourself, say no more too
if you, like me,
have dared to inflict horror
have dared to give up your body
have dared to give everyone a try at your heart
make it like putty
drop it get it *****
how dare I tarnish my soul
so no more
    no more
here I go
taking a step forward
                                                         ­    saying
                                                 no ******* more.

The man who tries to prove a point
Is unsure of how sharp it is.
A man who wars with blunt arms,
Is confident in his own strength.

The man who bears armor brave,
Falls heavy into his own grave.
The man who comes naked
Is sure he will return unscathed.

But, not every warrior is the same;
And no war can be fought
In the shadow of divine aim.

Today was the morning like other days
but I cannot focus my mind just strays
the empty bowl stings with dull pain
like her would be none ever again!

I light the gas and look around
for her purr’s faintest sound
seek in air a long known smell
silky caress of a raised up tail!

Two deep blue eyes don’t beg of me
to love for love given freely
morn’s kitchen is only grey
where she haunts from yesterday!

These winter days she craved me close
if I refused lap sighed morose
softly spoke her petal face
I wouldn’t ever love you less!

She hid her away when strength failed her
beyond all eyes to quietly suffer
not let me know on what sunrise
dreaming of me she closed her eyes!

For a long time now, i’ve felt like i’ve been waiting.
To be let in on the secret,
To get it
To know what it seems everyone else already does. 
I’ve been walking towards the gap in the bridge with confidence that I will know how to get over it by the time I arrive
because I have seen everyone else on the other side.
but the closer I get
the more I feel as though i’m going to fall right through.

Sometimes I close my eyes while I walk. 
when I close them I can feel the entire daunting bridge disappear 
but as soon as I open them, it’s waiting in front of me 
and I will never know if it’s really gone when they are closed. 

But opening them to see where i’m headed makes me wonder
is someone responsible for telling me how to cross?
does everyone cross the same way, or am I being tested?
what happens when I fall through, 
for I surely can’t make it over.
why is it, that I feel such a strong need to get to the other side.
what do I expect to find at the end?

Mostly when I am afraid of crossing,
I consider that all the others who have already crossed, do not seem different from me.
if it was truly so difficult, they couldn’t have thought it so easy, right?
But every now and then, the ones who fell through, crawl from the shadows and creep close enough to whisper to me.
My body aches to run.
To turn around and go back where I came from
To never think about the bridge again
To convince myself that this is simply a vivid nightmare.

But it isn’t.
and if I know anything at all,
it is that one day, I will have to cross,
and that I can spend an eternity at the edge waiting for someone to tell me the answer.
to tell me how I can get over the gap in the bridge 
and to tell me what’s waiting on the other side.
to tell me what happens if I slip and fall 
or if I decide not to cross at all.
but if I do decide to wait,
eventually I will understand that no one is coming.
no one ever will.
and maybe it’s because no one else knows the secret either,
maybe even the ones on the other side are waiting for someone else.
and maybe, all along, there wasn’t anything to tell at all.

It never felt like the first time.
The way your hands rested on my waist
Was so familiar
Your lips on my neck was tradition
There was never a first time
My legs have been wrapped around you since
You, and I, and the earth were indistinguishable star dust.

And it didn’t matter that I didn’t know you
Because I was so comfortable
When there was nothing to hear but the small stutter in your breath

And I don’t mind that you aren’t here anymore
Because in the darkness it’s easy to pretend
That clocks don’t exist
But right now with the sun in my eyes,
I can tell myself there’s a time and a place for everything

And it’s okay that there is so much left to say
That won’t ever be said
Because I can’t tell them how it felt
To breathe you in
Or how I couldn’t stop my fingers from gliding through your hair
It’s okay that there aren’t words to do our night justice
Because this doesn’t exist for
All the other souls to know
How my body trembled in perfect response to your gentle force,
These words are for me
So I can remember the shocking comfort of hot finger tips
On my flesh.

Inhale, Exhale, Repeat.
Close your bright eyes, they say too much.
Don’t speak, you can’t change anything.
Inhale, Exhale, Repeat. As if you are sleeping.

Stretch your body as far as you can.
Make it bigger, longer,
like you have spent your life in a smaller man’s coffin.

Be still.
Don’t blink, don’t part your trembling lips, don’t move your toe three quarters of an inch.
Be still.

Scream. LOUDER. Softer.
Scream as high as you can. Louder. You have to scream to save your life. SCREAM.

Stop.
Don’t Speak. You can’t change anything.

Look into your eyes in the mirror.
Keep looking, you can’t back down.
Don’t blink, keep looking.
Keep looking.

Blink. Blink again.
More. Faster.
Blink until you can’t see anything anymore
until you are blind

Stop.
Clench your fists. Grit your teeth. Flex your muscles.
Your arms, your legs, your toes.
Make your body tight.
Tight.
Tight.

Release.
Melt.
Collapse.
Be liquid.
Don’t speak, you can’t change anything.

Its a big deep breath.
a gasp
a chance
a risk.
Its an exhale.
a sigh
a relief
a release.
It feels so good while its happening
and nothing could penetrate my euphoria

until,
inevitably,
I burst it from the inside out.

The moment makes me forget–
I can believe I am silky and seamless
for a moment I am an eel and I can
glide–
its as simple as that.

But when I remember them,
my unmistakable talons,
they will tear my delicate bubble to shreds

Frantically I try to rebuild,
to put the pieces back together
before I let in the whispers,
but it is too late and I shiver in the cold.
The whispers are so cold.
so cold.

They climb and claw their way into my ears

I wish I could lay there under the weight of the whispers
and say the fault belongs to someone else,
but the longer I lay there,
the quicker I realize
the whispers come from my mouth