I let it all out to a stranger tonight..
its helpful.
there are more tears
but
that's okay.

I want to cry
But not die
I want to hurt
But not alert
I want to be noticed
The attention I seek
Has been wanted for more then a few weeks
To notice me
To see if you care
Care about me at all
-te

I could never **** myself
too scared of death
or maybe im not...

I couldn't do it myself
but I wouldn't mind dying
seeing if things are better on that side
not having to worry about anything
the judgment,
the stress,
the fear of
EVERYTHING.

I could never **** myself
but
sometimes I wish I was in a car accident
sometimes I wish I was just injured.

I could never **** myself,
but I wouldn't mind dying right now.
-te

why do you come back to me 2 months later..
why do you ask if I miss what we had?

I know you miss the things we did..
the pleasure it gave you.

I know you're just lonely,
you can find anyone else, am I right?

why do you decide to come to me..
when you're the one who ended things so abruptly?

Just don't.
Please don't make me talk about how I felt..
how much I liked you.

Just don't.
Please don't make me the bad guy here..
because I'm not.

Just don't.
Please don't make me feel like I can go to you about anything..
when we both now I cant.

If you're here for me now, where were you when I actually needed you.
If you say how you missed me and the things you did, why did you wait this long to say it.

Don't
Make
Me
Want
You
Again.
-te

They say love cures all
The heart and soul come together
What they don't know is that sometimes we fall
And the pieces come crashing down like a feather
The heart breaks like a piece of glass
Breaking away into tiny shards
The soul vanishes into gas
Spreading over many yards
Leaves the person stuck
Not knowing what to do
Feeling like they are out of luck
Has them feeling very blue
They say love cures all
Once the person has broken down their wall
-te

friends
with
benefits*
three words
means two lips
always
together
means hands everywhere
touching
skin
means a lot
no
emotion
means
n o t
r e a l
-te

it's a bunch of tangled thoughts
all trying to escape
creating huge knots
that I'm unable to break
some are working harder than others
overpowering my head
some are being such a bother
I feel so brain dead
the more knots it creates
the more it hurts
causes me to debate
do I think more just to make it worse?
-te

I love music that numbs my brain
makes me forget about things for a while
seems better that way

theres love in my eyes that no one is able to see, i dont think anyone is able to see the despaire i have inside of me i try and try to  let it out but nothing works except crying just balling my eyes out it feels better like im refreshing my screen, or talking to  people who are actually there to help, with helpful words that help with the tears just makes me feel better in the end i dont know how to explain the feeling to certain people because a lot of them dont understand it maybe i just feel the need for attention so im forcing myself to feel like this..i have no idea. those thoughts i have of "i wish i was sick or hurt so people would notice me or see me or at least pretend to be my friends" i hate the fact that some days i can be off in my own world in this mood that just sweeps over me and starts tearing me apart piece by piece and then i just sit there in silence eating my lunch with friends all around laughing and smiling and having a good time or even a bad day but they seem to make themselves happy again with a fake smile that almost everyone brings along with them. but instead i forgot mine and i just sit there thinking of all the things, maybe thinking of that stupidness that i want myself hurt so people would notice me more, or  just maybe people will notice how i look today and they'll ask or wonder and i'll be able to tell them all about it and they can help or relate or just say a few words to put a smile on my face. but then the fear comes back..the fear of what if they dont care? what if they get annoyed..that big fear too its like how do i get the attention i want when its hard to . i think now i should nust continue getting all the help and advice and support i need from friends because thats the only thing going to help me keep going.

why does it hurt so much?
I guess its the feeling of
being alone again.
not being able to see a happy face
a face of someone I adore
I adore so much that I do so much to impress
all for what?
a hug
a kiss
a few laughs
or the fact that , his
face
hugs
kisses
laughs
are the only thing that makes me feel
wanted
special
beautiful
most of all..
safe
-te

parents don't understand what society is like nowadays.
the hypocrites
the back stabbers
the way people treat each other is horrible
I actually want to cry thinking about it all
please
don't
make
me
go!

can all of this please just stop
the tears
the anguish
the thoughts
I need everything to just stop
I want everything to be
normal
-te

It is so easy to say "I will stop"
But when you actually try to,
It is so much harder.
So hard to not go rely on something during your bad times,
That makes you escape things for just a little bit.
Gives you a relief like this is the only thing that can save you,
Which at the time ,
It is the only thing .
Always thinking about it,
And wanting it
And just wishing you could do it
Everyday
Every hour
Just wishing that you were able to escape everything  with this
One piece of metal.
And during the time that you are
Struggling
People are around you saying
"You can do it"
"You are strong"
"Do other things"
But it isn't that easy!
Not many people get that..
-te

some days I get so bad
so sad
my demons are here
saying hello
their shadows are starting to grow
overcasting me
I need to flee
where else can I go
they are everywhere I look
everywhere I turn
can they all just burn?
moments like this
i sit still
feeling so ill
I am not able to do anything
all i feel is a sting
a tingle
where I want to be hurt
an urge so strong
things become a blur
I try so hard to resist
blast the music
fizz out the voices
focus on anything but it
but there I sit
hands around my neck
feeling like such a wreck
tears falling
like a water fall
I sit there and just bawl..
-te

Do you ever think that maybe there is someone out there for you?
Someone you are going to spend your whole life with.
Someone who will love and cherish you with all their heart ,
And you may not even know It but they just know you are the person for them
You are their soulmate
And it may take awhile for you to realize that they are your
Soulmate too
It may take awhile for you to realize the little things they do like
Holding the door open for you
Buying you a hot chocolate with little marshmallows just the way you like It
Maybe even singing that song you love extra loud while you two dance and dance and dance
It could be the way they mock the way you talk just to make you laugh
Or even play with your hair until you fall asleep.
Takes time for someone to know how special those things are,
How much love is put into them
When you do figure these things out,
You have probably moved on to someone else..
Not knowing what you had right infront of you
-te

What is it like to feel like your whole life is a dream?
What is it like to not feel anything?
What is like to think your family and friends aren't real?
It feels like everything has been ****** away from you
It feels like you have no control over anything anymore
It feels like  nothing exists.
-te

Not sure who I miss anymore in my crazy life
-te

I'm numb
Everything around me doesn't feel real
Everyone around me doesn't feel real
I'm so extremely exhausted of everything that I have no clue how much longer I can take
It's hard to believe that "It gets better"
I'm numb
I'm tired
I just want to be gone
-te

Why do I feel like this,
like i've lost all my bliss.
To tired to talk,
and just wanting to walk.
Wanting to walk all the way down,
down to the ground, where no one can see ;
all of this pain inside of me.
I know I should feel more alive,
And that this society is so easy to survive,
but I'm not able to fake something that is not there,
to fake that everyone loves you with care.
People say to let yourself be who you want to be,
but if there are friends holding you back,you aren't able to see..
The chances you miss out on,
and the regrets you make.
Are just things to put you down, and feel like you're about to break.
Don't let pain blur your sight,
while you take this journey of a wild flight.
-te

Psychosomatic Illness  


1.  Of or relating to a disorder having physical symptoms but originating from mental or emotional causes.
2.  Relating to or concerned with the influence of the mind on the body, and the body on the mind, especially with respect to disease

a.k.a. thinking I am mentally sick can actually make me become mentally and physically sick.

is this what has been happening this whole time..

Its sad I'm not able to tell you everything
Everything about what's going on
How sad I've been lately
How I feel every night
How much I want to cry
The reason why I want to be alone
Or the opposite
And always want someone by my side
Its sad that we're best friends and I'm still not able to exactly tell you how I feel.
Its really sad.
-te

I guess I'm just obsessed with listening to
sad music late at night.
Helps the tears come down.
Helps the thoughts to take over.
Helps me feel worse about myself.
-te

I turn and all I see are shadows
Shadows of people
Shadows of monsters
Shadows of things I don't want to see
It hurts
They are coming
They are creeping up
They are clawing to get onto me
Into my head
They are trying to destroy me
I know what they want
They want to hurt me
They want to see me suffer
These shadows are vicious
They have a mind of their own
I look forward
Close my eyes and whisper to myself
"They can't destroy me. They can't hurt me. They can't see me suffer. Because I've already destroyed myself."
-te

I don't want to fall for you just yet

I don't know if I'm ready to put all my trust into someone
someone new.

I don't know if I'm ready to open up my heart and soul to someone
someone new.

I don't know if I'm ready to deal with another heartbreak because of someone

Someone new that likes me
-te

the breeze outside
makes me just want to ride
ride all the way up into the sky
where there is no need to cry
stand on a cloud
feeling proud
the accomplishments
and prizes
the wonderful surprises
the happiness i need to embrace
brings a grin to my face
light mist from the air comes down on me
making my body feel so free
i move onwards to the joyful times
and laughable signs
overlooking this life i've created
those times i waited
got frustrated
paid off into something wonderful
-te

im having a fresh start
starting everything over.

forget about the past
from the horrible mistakes
and terrible heart aches

the crying over dumb relationships
end with one kiss from your soft lips

I've realized im not a ****
im not  a *****
im just a girl who likes lots of boys

no more dating
no more hating

I will live how I want to.
listen to my friends whenever im blue.

im having a fresh start.
starting everything over.
-te

you honestly make me feel amazing
I tell you what I do when I break down,
and you don't judge.
You told me that you would always be here and that you'll help me get through this step by step
thank you so much for that.
It is making me more confident that I will get better.
You are the one who told me to actually get help
and I did!
thank you so much for that.
I know for a fact that you will help me get through everything and you will
catch me when I fall.
We will be there for each other
thank you so much for that
-te

Thank you for saving me at a bad time
Thank you for making me feel like the most important person in the world
Thank you so much for sticking by my side as long as you did
I'm sorry I pushed you away
I'm sorry things ended the way they did
I'm so sorry I am the way I am
But thanks again for helping for that little while, I just wish you were still here helping..
-te

if i could just see you for one day
a whole day to see your face
what would i say?
would i tell you how i think about you day by day?
or how you always made me feel like i was in the right place.
would i tell you how i compare everyone to you
and its so hard to go through
would i tell you how my body and heart aches
because of all of those dumb mistakes
would i tell you that i thought you were the finest
bringing my emotions to a high with your kindness
would i tell you that i know i wouldnt be able to funtion without you in my life
i've even dreamt about being your wife
all of these things i want to tell
but here i am back in my shell
back in where im too scared
very unprepared
while my lips spread apart
i say"maybe we can have a fresh start"
-te

YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE AND MADE ME SEE THE WORLD SO DIFFERENTLY YOU TOOK AWAY THE DARK CLOUD THAT WAS HANGING ABOVE ME AND SHOWED ME THE BRIGHT SIDE BUT THEN YOU LEFT AND THERE I WAS STARING AT THE CLOUD AGAIN HOPING IT WOULDN'T TAKE OVER BUT GUESS WHAT IT IS BIGGER THAN EVER AND EVERYDAY I AM WAITING FOR YOU TO COME BACK AND TAKE IT AWAY AGAIN
-te

I have an obsession with the sky
The way the sun shines through the clouds
The sun is so bright
Making everything light up
I have an obsession with the sky
Simply because it is limitless
Once you go up there is no stopping
I stare up there everyday
Wishing I could go up
Get away from down here
I have an obsession with the sky
Because it is my escape
-te

NO ONE SEES THE STRUGGLING ALL THEY SEE IS THE BIG FAT SMILE YOU WEAR ALL DAY BUT LITTLE DO THEY KNOW THAT IT IS JUST A FAKE ONE YOU SLAP ON EVERY MORNING TO FOOL EVERYONE AND THEY ACTUALLY FALL FOR IT ONE DAY I SHOULDN'T WEAR IT AND SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE LOOK AT ME DIFFERENTLY AS I SHOW THEM HOW I REALLY FEEL TO SHOW THEM HOW BAD IT HAS BEEN LATELY BUT THEN AGAIN EVERYONE JUST LOOKS FOR THAT SMILE AND IF THEY DON'T SEE IT THEN THEY DON'T BOTHER ASKING WHATS WRONG
-te

cried so much last night
over 2 hours
in my room.
lips quivering trying to stop it
closing my eyes
trying soo hard.
sister walks in
starts talking
I do one shake of the head and there it is..
the tears.
the tears that have been held in for too long
the tears that started for no reason
trickling down my face
forcing myself to smile
makes it worse
people saying "I hope you feel better"
makes it worse
so close to balling my eyes out in 2 of
my classes
today
held it all in.
just keep telling myself
"Keep it in.."
but
Its okay to not be okay
-te

maybe I talk to guys more then girls
because
they actually listen
they are sweet-talkers and know how to
turn my frown upside down
they're good listeners and help everything.
and I just
don't
want
my 'girl'friends
to
**worry..

someone who can take care of me,
through all these emotions,
like the rough and calm waves of the ocean.
through thick and thin,
before my head starts to spin.
see me at my worst
and be able to take care.
care of me and my fragile skin
not be annoyed from my mood swings
and give my heart wings.
-te

Kissing someone is magical
Its like your lips have a mind of their own
When becoming closer to the other person
Your lips scream and crave for them
Making it harder to resist
Once you've touched the other person
Your lips start to get excited
Moving like crazy
Your tongue wants some action
And joins the fun
Its all just a globbery mess from all your saliva but
No one cares
Because your lips
And tongue
And their lips
And tongue
Are too excited to stop
That's when our bodies get out of control...

my lips crave for yours
my fingers tingle for your touch
to feel your skin
bring you closer
and tighter
until there is no space inbetween us
our lips compressed
hands around my waist
every bad thought auto matically gets erased
i need your touch right now
i need your kisses
all over my body
my lips
my neck
my arms and stomach
showering me in soft kisses
while i lay there in silence
i lay there thinking about how much i want and need this
you make me feel better
thats all i need
those soft kisses
those hands on my body
to make me feel wanted
-te

I wish we didn't have to cry
To let go of emotion
To show our sadness
(or joy)
I wish we didn't get sad at all..
-te

It's hard to function properly when you have
People always
Nagging at you
For school
At home
With friends
Sometimes it's too much to handle

The feeling of being trapped
Trapped in this world
This school,
Trapped in my mind.
There is no escape.
Learn, learn, learn
It is so hard to breath.
Nobody sees,
Sees how it is,
How I am,
How hard it is to concentrate.
When you hear all these voices
"Do better!"
"Don't stress"
"It's easy"
"Think of your future"
My future seems to be a blur,
I have no way of escaping,
To reality
-te

your eyes are like black holes
they reel me in and there is no way of getting out
I stare deeply into the black holes and know that there will be
no escape
somehow my arms are around your neck
your hands around my waist
I open my eyes and see those black holes are covered
its my turn to stop this
I push you away
but
the black holes appear again
I appear back wrapped around you
feeling trapped
-te

DON'T TELL ME YOU LOVED ME
DON'T ACT LIKE YOU CARE
BECAUSE IF YOU DID LOVE ME
OR CARE FOR MY SOUL
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GAVE UP
LEAVING ME DANGLING HERE ALONE
DON'T SAY THAT YOU MISS ME
DON'T TRY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER
BECAUSE IF YOU DO MISS ME OR WANTED THINGS BETTER
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DISSAPPEARED AND MADE ME TRY TO FORGET
I THOUGHT IT WAS DIFFERENT THIS TIME
AND SO I HOPED YOU WERE THE ONE
BUT TURNS OUT YOU LEAVING CAN'T JUST BE UNDONE
-te

I hear your name
And my heart breaks a little bit more
I see your face
And my body aches a little bit more
I can't go a day without wanting to be with you
Holding you tight
Having your scent stick to my clothes
I can't stop replaying our best moments in my head
I can't stop the video
Over and over and over again
You said you loved me
Why would I believe you?
-te

It's weird how you want everyone to know how you're feeling. For them to know you aren't okay anymore. For them to know you have suicidal thoughts every single day. For them to know you cut. For them to know you just don't want to be in this world anymore. But then again, you don't want anyone to worry about you so you keep your mouth shut. It's weird how we want someone to help us but we stay silent so they will never know
-te

EVERYONE SAYS TO TAKE CHANCES AND DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT TO TELL THE PERSON YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM TO TELL THE PERSON YOU MISS THAT YOU MISS THEM BUT YOU SHOULDN'T BECAUSE IF THEY DO NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO BROKEN INSIDE AND NOTHING ***** MORE THAN WANTING SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT YOU BACK
-te