smile**
forcing that smile throughout the day
once I get home
the tears pour
pour like a waterfall
how am I able to cope
I want to go elope
off somewhere
where no one can find me
where no one is
let me leave
let me escape from all this
misery
im dying here
dying inside this world
I want help
I need help..
I don't want to be here anymore..
-te

I just miss the old days.
Where there was no worries
when I didn't feel like this
suffocated.
by family
by friends
by school
by my future
what if I don't want a future
what if the only reason I'm staying right now is because people need me
my sister especially
she needs me here to help her through her troubles
I wonder what she's going to be like when she's my age
I really hope she doesn't turn out like me.
I hope she ends up being happy..
-te

one of those nights I lay here wide awake
where everything just aches
thinking about the world
and all of its mysterious questions
lately its like everything swirled
into new directions.
not enjoying the change
its all too strange.
making my view not very lovely
when things used to be seen so beautifully
now its all dull and grey,
a blur, even on the best of days.
a smile appears quite often,
fake or real,
its important
to know how I feel.
-te

I
j u s t
w i s h
I
c o u l d
t e l l
y o u
a l l
m y
t h o u g h t s
-te

You
Are
my*
guilty pleasure
-te

I lay here with 9,000 thoughts going through my head
I lay here with 1 thousand thoughts about school and my grades.
The number of bad grades and the times I've made honour roll.
I lay here with 2 thousand thoughts about my friends and their lives.
The ones who have stayed and made my life 10x more exciting
I lay here with 3 thousand thoughts about my future and how it will turn out.
The amount of things I will be able to accomplish and the things I will learn.
I lay here with 2 thousand thoughts about my family and how much they have impacted me
The amount of love being brought Into my life because of them.
I lay here with 1 thousand thoughts about you and our story
The memories we created and the times we shared
I lay here with 9,000 thoughts
And they are all keeping me up at night.
-te

when they ask why
I back away, not wanting to answer
when they ask what I use
I back away even more, ashamed
when they tell me to stop
I yell back at them
when they cry
I cry too
they think it is so easy
the thought of stopping makes me feel queasy
its hard
to let go of something that made you feel so
alive
making everything go away for that moment
relieving me from feeling so broken
when they tell me I need to stop
when they tell me I can't give up
when they tell me I shouldn't disappoint them again
when they tell me I can overcome this..
I back away and do it again.
-te

mind going blank
no thoughts
no feelings
just numb
all around
staring off into space
not controlling my body
anymore.
everything is gone
and over.
-te

I stopped for 4 days..
That is pretty good
I got the urge so much
But resisted at the best I could
I broke today and feel horrible about it
Horrible for getting so low again
Not telling my friends
Getting to the point where I couldn't continue
I broke
-te

everything was fine
what changed your mind?
I wanted to see you
but I guess I'm just too blue
for you to handle all the time.

you made things so much better
and made them go away
what can I do to make you stay?

I am sorry for bothering you 24/7
I just want to go to heaven
no one else could see that
or understood
but I knew you could.

I just wish I knew why..

-te

i dont get why people talk to me? im so anti social. i may be nice or friendly, but once i think we're good friends and i try to hang out with just me& you or just text you, i know you'd rather be doing something else then talking to me because i **** conversations. i'd rather sit by myself then have to carry on a conversation. i dont have any ambition, i've made so many mistakes. i try to make things right but nothing works. no talent, no grace. i dont get why people call me their friends or enjoy talking to me, because i wouldnt. yes, some nights i need that 1 person to just talk to, but even though i hate messaging first, i still do it. even though i know the conversation wont last long after that, i still continue to press send. the dumb stuff i've done and been through is crazy. im not surprised how i lost a ton of friends. i feel like everything needs to be about me, some histrionic **** thats what it is. i cant deal with this. now that i know, it actually bothers me even more.

Can you make me feel like a summer day breeze
Instead of a stormy night cloud
Can you show me the snow but not let me freeze
Instead the crashing lightning that is so loud
Will you write me a poem to express your love
Or will you not even call when you're going to sleep
Will you compare me to a beautiful dove
Or will you leave me alone to weep
Did you buy me flowers on our special day
Rather than going out with the boys all night long
Did you make the reservation at the cafe
Rather than playing beer pong
Can, will and did
Were my dreams since I was a kid
-te

Thoughts take over
Tears fall down my face
cut
cut
cut
"I'm doing it again, I don't know what to do..help me!"
"Just try to forget about what's bothering you!
cut
cut
cut
"Its not that easy"
"Well stop what you're doing! It doesn't make things better"
"To me it does.."
cut
cut
cut
"I find what you're doing nasty and pointless,just do something to get you're mind off of it. Talk to someone!"
(I'm trying to talk to you but you find what I'm doing nasty..thanks for the help)
cut
cut
cut
"I stopped"
"Good,don't do it again"
I can't promise that..
-te

I
wish
I
was
d
e
a
d


-te

never thought about cutting before
never thought that it would have to come to that.
I guess I was wrong.
not sure how or where I would do it.
not sure if I would be able to handle
the pain
the marks
my nails are long
sharp
thought it would work
I tried to dig,
tried to break through
my skin
nothing!
only a mark
a red line
appearing on my wrist
to fade away
or
become deeper
-te

You understood me
You made me happy
You made me think things were going to be different this time,
That not all guys leave after a few months,
Not all guys get tired of me
You may have lost feelings, and that is my fault
I'm sorry I'm so broken, it's hard to keep up
I didn't want this to happen
I thought it would be different this time
To have a guy truly love me
To have him care for me
In ways no one else could
For him to show that everything will be okay
And I just have to stay on this earth to see the amazing things
For him to actually make me think about my future positively
With him
For me to think that things get better if I'm with him
My feelings only got stronger over time
And this was a shock
-te

why stress about all the regrets
when we can smile for just a little while
dont use the word hate
knowing everything will turn out great
forget about the pain
and the depressing rain
the pouring tears
and countless fears
take it all away
your days aren't so grey
there's colour in the sky
no need to cry
a new perspective is always needed
the scars and wounds become treated.
one change makes a big difference
it gives us some independance.
-te

My eyes lit up like an entire city when you walked through those doors
I have never seen someone so amazing before
I could not believe that I was all yours
I knew I couldn't lose you because we had swore.
To have and to hold each other's hands
Through thick and thin and all of it within
We have been brought together with these metal bands
But back to reality, I realized my life took a spin
There was no more " I love you" at night
While I laid there alone waiting
I was hoping to wake up and your face be in my sight.
Because this whole time I've been debating
Does love overpower
When it isn't right anymore
-te

on  Wednesday I have to go to school for pre-registration
I just want to
shoot myself
seeing all those people again.
happy smiles on their faces
having to face those certain people I happily avoided all summer
I find out whos in my classes
I find out who I will be sitting next to while being taught a lesson
school really brings me stress
just knowing I have to deal with all the judgement all over again is torture
it wouldn't be so bad if there was no one there
this generation is horrible
criticising everything you do!
no wonder some people avoid going to school some mornings.
I would too.

I'm drifting from everything around me
I wish I could hold onto something
Hold onto a smile , a look, a hand
But all I see are backs
Walking away and I get farther and farther
They keep turning to peek at how far I am
And mouth to me "try harder"
But it doesn't help
I'm drifting away
And no one cares enough to help
To pull me back to reality
-te

I feel like I'm drowning..
drowning in my own sorrow.
the waves are too harsh
pushing me back
lower and lower
til' I drown
drown in my sorrow
my sadness
choking on all the hurtful words
burning sensations of the scars
the sorrow filling up in my lungs
until...
I can't breathe!
-te

I have been sitting here for an hour
trying to figure out what to write
I've been sitting here crying
not knowing why
I have been sitting here tapping my fingers on the keyboard
like a crazy person trying to write a good poem
I'm avoiding people's messages
I'm avoiding listening to music
just to write a good poem
but this is all I got.

sometimes I wonder about
e v e r y t h i n g
it hurts my brain
making me go insane
trying to release this
pain
it produces
even more excuses
come out of my mouth
more lies
faint cries
teary eyes
all because of what?
e v e r y t h i n g
-te

being used so much
I melt every time I feel your touch
it is hard to resist
when I feel so wanted
in your arms you are holding me
I wish we never started
this needs to stop.
-te

I sit here in the dark
forcing my eyes to fix images
images in the darkness
all I see is the monsters
that keep destroying me
why is it so hard to get rid of them
I'm alone
in the dark
tears streaming down my face
the monsters are so cruel
saying remarks like
"you are so ugly, you fat troll"
"just continue pressing that blade against your skin"
"no one wants you here"
its so hard to tune them out when I know it's all true
I can't wait until I'm dead
so my only peaceful place isn't just my bed
I need to get away from this fast
because I really don't know how much longer I can last
-te

YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY AND IT BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES BECAUSE YOU CAME AT SUCH A GOOD TIME AND I AM SO THANKFUL YOU ARE IN MY LIFE NOW BECAUSE I WOULD STILL BE IN MY DROWNING STATE OF SADNESS IF YOU HADN'T TALKED TO ME AND NOW I DON'T STOP SMILING AND I FEEL BUTTERFLIES IN MY TUMMY WHENEVER SOMEONE SAYS YOUR NAME AND I THINK THAT YOU MAY BE THE ONE TO COMPLETELY SAVE ME
-te

Horrible.
This is horrible.
How could I not stop myself from kissing you?

I got my unanswered questions
Answered.
I love that.
But this is horrible.

Horrible how I fell back in your arms
Horrible how I can't stop myself
-te

this time at night
everynight
i get like this
depressing thoughts
tears running down my face
stuffy nose
its like a routine
over and over
day by day
some days its better then others
but others
are horrible.
-te

It's not possible for someone to love a girl like me
Who is not able to see
Anything in her future
Or what is in store for her.
A girl who relies on a blade for a glimpse of happiness
And cries herself to sleep every night.
A girl who picks out every one of her flaws
Expecting to never get an applause.
So mentally unstable it is so hard for her to function
And to live life to the fullest
Without overthinking everything
Her mind full of nothing.
How could someone ever love me when I am so empty..
-te

The tears are starting to hurt
Starting to burn
As they roll down my face
Thinking of you
Is what leaves me like this
At midnight
Every single evening
Just hoping I can have you again
Even when I know it's impossible
Impossible for things to be good for me
For things to ever go my way
-te

I
am
getting
better!


Hallelujah!

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE DEMONS IN YOUR HEAD TELLING YOU THAT YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH EVERYDAY THAT YOU AREN'T WORTH LIVING THAT THERE IS NO POINT IN YOU BEING HERE ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST A WASTE OF SPACE? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IS IT LIKE TO NOT KNOW WHY YOU HAVE THESE DEMONS BUT YOU HATE YOURSELF SO MUCH BECAUSE OF THEM? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS LIKE TO WANT HAPPINESS SO BAD THAT YOU WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET EVEN A GLIMPSE OF IT?
-te

feels like this whole week I have been like this
sad
crying
frustrated
headache
pain
loneliness
fear
what is going on...

Doing something so horrible to myself
Is meant to be kept a secret
To not be seen
But at the same time
If someone every does see
I don't want them to question
I don't want them to freak out
And if they ask if I am okay
And I said yes
I want them to hold me and say they know I'm not
I want them to be able to not look at me any differently
I want them to accept that these are just my battle scars
And I am trying to get better
-te

I gave you my all that day
My heart
And my soul
The one thing many people wait to do until they are much older
We had a connection
Which you could feel through your fingertips
And every time you touched me
It was electricity
Electricity through our skin
Through our veins
It was electricity of our love
I gave you my all that day
And now that's thrown away
It may have happened fast
It may have happened where no one would expect
But it was still special
In our hearts
How do you give up something like that..
How do you break up with someone knowing they gave you their all
How at 15 years old did you not realize that was so special to me
I did not regret it
I still don't regret it
But maybe,
Just maybe,
You could've stuck around a little longer with me
I gave you my all that day
-te

some days I watch those tv shows or movies that have some cute but sappy love story in it. I always think to myself, I wish that could happen to me. for my relationships to be perfect. I realized relationships arent perfect at all! everyeone argues, and disagrees. everyone has some issue, but usually couples are able to fix that. there is always the "i guess it was meant to be" or " theres other fish in the sea" I feel like I have said those lines way too much for a 14 year old. I think back at all my relationships and even though I say I regret some, i shouldnt because at the time that person made me feel happy, special, and just made me feel good. I think back at my relationships and they were horrible. They were horrible because of me. I was the problem. The horrible problem. Im not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Dont talk that much. Well sorry I have acne, like to eat and very shy. Im trying to work on those things and I guess no one is able to see that. I think about my past relationships and go through them one by one. part by part. to see why it ended, why that person couldnt be my soul mate. some were that we hardly talked, it was awkward, he liked other(better) girls, I just wasnt good enough. Most of them was my fault. I've been through the dumbest relationship problems, and now its effecting me. now it is really getting to me, and I truly wish I could go back in the past to fix everything. To fix my broken heart. To not put it out there so much so it could get hurt. I think about my relationships in the past and then I look back at that one. The only one who I liked through everything. who never left my side either we were together or best friends. the one who had issues himself but still put me first. who made me feel like a better person, and the most beautiful. the one i trusted the most and couldnt live without. where is he now? he is off, doing his own thing, moved on. why do i still think about him? because I love him. i love him so much, no matter what. He knows. Nothing has happened for about a year now, and Im guessing nothing else will. He'll be over at his school, dealing with his own problems, with his best friend. Me at my own school, trying to deal with everything happening around me.Now because all of these dumb relationships, I just try to find someone who doesnt care about all of that and just likes me now. doesnt like me for love and relationship, but likes me for what i do. I can flirt, talk and kiss him all he wants. both of us missing two different people and since we're not able to see them we just use each other for what we want. I hate to say it. to say that im friends with benefits with someone, but its just come to that. i hate to acknoledge it. to acknowledge that my first love has moved on, and im just here, slowly getting away.

I love people
They can be so welcoming
Letting you into their lives
Showing you the crooks and crannies of everything inside
Making you feel like you are the most special person
To be seeing all of this
But then again they can turn around
And shut you out
Tell you to never come back
Because they don't like you
Making you believe you are not worthy
to see anymore
It's rude in a way
So I guess I hate people
-te

I know its wrong
I still continue
I know its wrong
I still want it
I know its wrong
But I still end up making my way towards your lips
Kissing gently then intensely
With only thinking
I know I should stop
-te

im crying
im hurting
im sad
im tired

im crying
so much
im hurting
everywhere
im sad
non-stop
im tired
of everything

-te

I just want to die
I could never **** myself but honestly I don't want to live anymore and I could careless if I did die. I used to be scared of death but I guess once you have reached rock bottom you realize that you just don't want to live in this cruel world anymore. I have reached rock bottom, I have Hit an all time low. I have to cut myself to feel better! That means something, I don't know how to handle my own emotions anymore, I can't go a day without feeling in a bad mood no matter where I am or who I'm with. I could be with my best friend and having fun whatever, but all of a sudden I get in a bad mood, I just wanna cry and feel better. I know I overthink too much because I feel like I annoy people with this too much and  that they are just getting bothered by it and want me to just get better so I stop bothering them about it. I wanna get better, that is all I'm asking for, is getting better and knowing that my life won't be as miserable as I think it will be. I dont want to go on meds, I don't want to cut everytime I feel down.. I just want this mood to go away, but my overthinking about all my stupid flaws on how I'm so ugly and fat and that I have no ambition in life and how no guy could ever like me because of all these things, doesn't make things easier. And no one can make me feel different about them either which is really hard. My life isn't bad.. Which makes no sense why this is happening to me, I just need to find out the reason. It so hard to, no one gets that, my mom thinks that I know the reason but just not saying it, why wouldn't I say it?! I want to get better, does no one realize that. Just because I'm not able to stop cutting for a long time does not mean I don't want to get better, it just means I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Just because I don't wanna go to counselling every week doesn't mean I don't want help I just don't want to talk to a different person everytime and just hear the same things over and over again. I just want to get better and tbh at this rate , I don't think I will be.. So I just wanna die and not many people will care anyways .

I miss you
Your touch
The way your thumb rubs against mine when we hold hands
The way you hold my waist when we kiss
The way you hold me when we hug
I miss your voice
The way you sing to me my favourite songs
The way you say my name
The way you mock me when I do something weird
I miss you
The way you smile when I say certain things
The way you kiss me multiple times in a row
The way you stare at me with your nice eyes.
I miss you
When you hang up the phone
When you walk out the door
And even when you say goodnight
I miss you
-te

why did saying I was getting better
make me feel so
happy?
Im not getting better.
I think im getting worse.
maybe saying it made me believe I was
but im not
someone
please
help

I think I should stop picking out all my flaws
because that is what breaks me down.
I think I should stop picking out all my flaws
because that is what ruins me.
I have cute freckles,
but lots of acne.
I have some nice curves,
but I am fat.
I have nice nails,
but my hands are chubby.
I think I should stop picking out all my flaws,
but that is impossible
-te

never felt what you're going through
but im trying to help
you always help me
its my turn to help you
sorry i give bad advice
sorry im not much help
but unlike others
i do care
i care about you
i care about what you do
i care about everything that has to do with you
and if me saying
"wow, im sorry, i know im not much help, but lets just get away from here"
isnt enough
then im sorry.
-te

i need you
i need you now
the only one who understood
the only one who stayed
things might have changed
but i still love you.
-te

I could stare at you all day
Just watching your ****** expressions
The way you get so into what you are doing
The way your eyebrows  scrunch up when you are confused
The way you lick your lips
And even the way your eyes glisten when you are watching me
I could never get tired of staring at you either
Makes me feel like I know you better, understand you better
You make me so happy
You don't judge me
I think I might be
In love with you
-te

Sometimes it's hard
To help out
Sometimes it's hard
To try and understand what you are going through
Sometimes it's hard
For me
With the thoughts and emotions taking over
Sometimes it's hard
For me
To give you advice when I **** at helping people
Sometimes it's really hard
To think you love me
Sometimes it's really hard
To expect anyone to love me for the way I am
It's very hard
-te