"You are a murderer of love!" At least, I think that's how the line went. I scream this all to often. Not at myself or my lover, no. No. I scream this at the content on the screen.

The **** on my lovers computer. The **** on my lovers brain. The **** in my lovers heart. The **** on my lovers skin. The **** that poisons my lovers hard drive. I scream.

My face will never look like hers. My skin will never look like hers. My hips will never be that small. My ******* will never be that perky, or big. My stomach will never be that flat. My legs will never be that long. My hair won't look like that. My *** will never look like that.

I try to compete, but I'm left in the dust. I try to find new ways to please you, but your mind drifts to her. Or is it her? Or her? I bought that lingerie because you liked in on the model. Or did you just like the model?

You tell me you love me. You say that I'm beautiful. You said your life would be nothing without me in it. You tell me you don't want to look. You tell me you want to stop. But, I see you. I see you disappear with your laptop. I hear you roll over and say "Not tonight, I'm sleepy." I feel your eyes on me when I change, as if they were comparing.

But listen. Her skin will never feel like mine. Her laugh will never sound like mine. Her voice will never soothe your heart. She will will never care for you when you're sick. She will never listen to you sing. She will never cuddle you on the couch. She will never hold you when you cry. She will never love you like I love you.

And how I love you.

Me,

Right now, you're in high school. Everything about it *****. You're not sure who your real friends are. You're so self-conscious. You've decided that no one could ever love you. You're afraid of being judged. You can't stand your parents. Well, let me tell you, it gets better.

Remember all those "friends" you thought you had? Well, they aren't your friends now. But that's okay, because you decided who was really important in your life. Now, you have your best friends. People who actually care for you and want to be in your life forever.

I bet Whats-His-Bucket reminds you how fat you are everyday, right? Well, that's okay. You'll come to realize, that you're not fat. You're thick. Now, you shouldn't use that as an excuse to not eat right or exercise. But it's in your genetic makeup, you'll never have a thigh gap. You'll always have a big *****. You're stomach will never be flat. You won't fit into designer jeans, but that's okay. It's okay because you are BEAUTIFUL. You have your mothers face, and she was gorgeous. You have a wonderful sense of humour, and it's attractive. You're smart, passionate, witty, spunky, weird. You are beautiful.

Love? You'll never find it in that town. All those boys you wanted to date in high school, married. Your first boyfriend, ******. But that's okay. It took some time, and some heart break, but you found the love of your life. He is someone who makes you feel special. He makes you feel worth it. When you have felt dead inside for so many years, he has brought you to life. He loves you, and you love him. Don't worry, he's not going anywhere. You're getting married to him.

You're so afraid of what people think of you. Maybe they'll think you're weird. Maybe they'll think you're too religious. Maybe they'll think you're a freak. Maybe they'll think you're too tall. Maybe they'll think you're dumb. But that's okay. You'll leave your hometown, you'll go to college, and you'll realize that no one cares. And if they do care, they aren't worth caring for. It's part of weeding out the fake people, and truly accepting your self. ***** them! You're you, and they won't change that.

Parents. Now, this one is tricky. You can't stand your father or your stepmother. You wish they would disappear. You just want them to leave you alone, and stay out of your life. Like, I said this one is tricky, but that's okay. You see, you moved out and your relationship with your dad got better. You respect your father, and you love him. But with your stepmother... you've learned to respect her as a person. You have yet to respect her as a mother figure. But, you've learned to compromise. Things have gotten better.

Sweetheart, it gets better. Life seems so tough right now. It seems so hard. At times, it's just too much to bear alone. But kid, know that you are never alone. You have angels watching over you. You have real friends who will pick you up when you fall. You have a God who will never let you go at something alone. I wish someone would've told me all this sooner, but I'm glad I had the experience. I'm glad that I could learn and grow. Now, since you're not in high school anymore; when you get down on yourself, read this letter. This letter will assure you that everything will get better. Life can get tough but that's okay.

Love,
Me

{Jo(e)}

Momma,

This isn't going to rhyme like the one to Poppa.
This is simply going to be my thoughts.
My feelings.
Nothing complex, but not simple.
I miss you, and I know it's not your fault.
But who's fault is it? You see,
I can't blame Poppa, or God.
So, who can I blame?
Sometimes, I blame myself.
Crazy, right?
How could I be the one who made you die?
Your heart just wasn't strong enough.
Maybe I broke it one too many times.
Maybe I stressed you out to the point,
it just stopped.
Maybe it is my fault.
Mom, I just miss you so much.
Why can't I talk to you?
Why can't I call you up when I need to?
Most people my age can, and do.
But I can't.
And I don't.
I wish I could reach through the veil.
I wish I could touch your face.
I wish I could talk to you.
Mom, life is a living hell.
And I can't get any advice from you.
I wish I could.
But I can't.
I'd trade places with you in a heart beat.
Then you could help the others with life.
But, that'd be selfish.
You'd be in pain.
You'd be sick.
And I'd be at peace.
That's not fair to you.
I guess life isn't fair.
I guess I'll have to learn to be okay with that.
If that's possible.
How does one become okay,
knowing that they have to live without their best friend?
I don't know.
But I'll figure it out.

Somehow.
I love you Momma

{Jo(e)}

Poppa,

You left me. I mean, you were always there, but in part.
You didn't leave the house. You left my heart.
You left my trust, shattered. You left me angry.
You left me confused.

You claim to love me. You claim you're proud.
But, when I open my mouth you just shut me down.
Am I not that important? Do you care?
If so, could you show it?

I know your 'bride' is important. I really do.
But don't forget, I am HALF of you.
Your DNA runs through me. You made me.
Well, physically.

Emotionally, you've destroyed me. Did you know?
I guess you couldn't. I'd die before I'd let it show.
You say I'm stubborn. Yeah, I guess I am.
You taught me that.

I'm just trying to make you proud. Sorry, I've failed.
But how would you be, if your father bailed?
Bailed emotionally, no support. Just physically there.
Yeah, it's made me tough.

Poppa, I miss you. I know things won't be the same.
But I'm really tired. I'm bruised from this game.
Poppa, I'll accept you back, I really will.
I still love you, Poppa.

{Jo(e)}

not in the actual sense
but i killed my soul
i left the doors closed,
and i slammed the open ones
shut.
i closed the windows
i left opportunity alone
i turned off social media,
i just asked them to leave me
alone.
i locked the door to my room
i shut out my family
i ignored my friends,
i told them to go away from
me.
i turned on the music
i reopened the old scars
the ones you helped close,
the ones that were almost healed
completely.
i killed myself,
with loneliness.

{Jo(e)}

Ignore the words they throw at you.
Ignore the hurt they make you feel.
Because they don't know you.
Not like I do.

{Jo(e)}